naginnudej
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2009
- Messages
- 1,127
Higher education is an interesting animal. More often than not, I find myself humbled by the mass of knowledge and experience that this beast offers to those willing to listen. However, this knowledge comes with a price—financially, emotionally, physically, and otherwise. These negative sentiments usually find a comfortable home in my heart during finals. It was time to change that.
While more than halfway done with my coursework, some of the most intensive assignments awaited my attention. My intentions were as follows: a few hours with a friend and 2C-T-2 would first facilitate a deconstruction of my negative sentiments and perhaps produce insights into my upcoming work. A night of dancing would follow to relieve stress.
Miss C picked me up at 7:30PM and we headed over to my apartment to begin preparations.
En route (8:00PM) I received a call from K, a friend I promised a few doses of 4-AcO and 5-MeO-DMT to—I hop out of the car and meet K in front of my building. She brings an unexpected guest: D.
Giving out drugs to people I don’t know is not something I do—too many risks with too little reward (relatively speaking). However, D happened to be K’s boyfriend of 4 years and she repeatedly vouched for his psychedelic ‘experience.’ I reluctantly obliged.
After weighing out their doses, it was clear that they wished to stick around for a little while to get a feel for the drug before they were on their way. Again, I obliged.
At 8:50PM, Miss C returns just as K and D ingest their doses. We heat up the vape and smoke a fair amount of marijuana. Perhaps it was the nervous excitement, but I was pleasantly surprised by my ability to counteract the ‘stoney-bologna’ effect I am oft smothered by when excessively hitting the vape.
Conversation begins to get interesting as the 4aco starts to creep on K and D—I relate my desire to develop a moral framework of love that finds root in the intrinsic qualities of all human and nonhuman life. I walk them through my course of study and the interrelationship between apparently unrelated subjects. I present them with some insight into how they can integrate such sentiments into their upcoming experience.
I always enjoy relating information that, to me, appears so obvious, but to others is hiding just below the surface. The light that shines through people’s eyes when it ‘clicks’ makes me feel so good inside. I was happy that they were happy that I was happy that they were happy because we were all happy.
It was 10:15PM and K and D were just about full swing. Conversation turns to my eating habits: I’m a longtime raw foodist and D appears resistant to the idea of not eating meat—he wishes to challenge my beliefs.
With as much care as possible, I inform him of not only the environmental, but also the effects that the meat industry has on the human condition. Effectively, a significant portion of fertile land in our country is allotted to growing feed which could be used to grow food for starving people in our country. Lastly, I cannot eat an animal that was raised on a farm in horrific conditions—not simply for the way they are treated, but I am of the opinion that those emotions do not dissipate after the animal passes. When you consume that animal product, you absorb those emotions of sadness, confusion, fear, and hate. Take that as you will, but that is my opinion on the matter.
K and D were acting a bit funny—it appeared as though D could not decide if he wished to stay or leave. He repeatedly brings K to the corner of my apartment to discuss the situation. K clearly wishes to stay, but D seems hesitant. I make it clear that they can do whatever they like, and that I will need to be dosing and leaving soon anyway. I ask D what was wrong, but couldn't find the word.
As 11:00PM approaches, D is still struggling to formulate coherent sentences. It became increasingly apparent that I could not responsibly allow him to leave my apartment. He was laying on the floor laughing and acting like a goofball. I cut my losses, called my friends to inform them I won’t be making it out, and leaft D to his own devices.
Miss C and I were ready to dose. 10mg ± .001 was weighed out, dissolved in distilled water, split in half, and prepared for injection.
+0:00 Belt. Pinch. Pull. Blood. Breathe. Whoa. WHOA.
Before the needle was out, every inch of my body was engulfed by an intense energy that gripped my very existence. My body shook as the cold mass of energy shifted from top to bottom, left to right, in and out, and back again. I thought: did I take too much? I told Miss C to wait before she joined the party.
Almost immediately, my visual field was overcome by my beloved 2C ‘focus’—everything filled out and took on a new depth with a slightly yellow hue.
As I focused on my breathing to remain calm and centered, I heard K pressing D to relate what’s wrong—something was clearly off.
+0:03 My favorite part: the purge. I made my way to the bathroom but was unable to follow through. K and D were still struggling to communicate. This time, however, D was a bit more reluctant. Just as I told him to sit down, I was once again overcome by the need to purge.
+0:05 I run to the bathroom and do my business. I knew I wasn't finished yet, but it was a good start. I reenter the room to see Miss C lying on the ground clearly enjoying the current state of affairs—inside and out. K and D appeared to be making progress.
+0:07 Bathroom. Purge. Repeat.
I’m of the opinion that nothing is free—if you wish to learn about yourself and make strides to better your life situation, you’re going to give back somewhere. In my experience, it’s the purge. Like I said, the best part.
I left the bathroom and observe K and D. D looked at K and told her that he had been cheating on her—he’s deeply sorry and follows the comment with the desire to that they take a break from the relationship. K agrees, but wishes for them still to be friends.
I couldn't help but make the connection between my purge and D’s ‘purge.’
+0:15 I make my way over to the couch where Miss C is enjoying herself. I lie down and close my eyes. Miss C puts her head up against mine and we enjoy a surreal mind melt.
The infinite space that was the inside of my eyelids was cut down the middle by a blue line—wrapped around it was an array of breathing geometric patterns that danced and morphed with light and love. The shapes liquefied and moved in every direction. Beautiful.
+0:20 Despite D and K’s breakthrough, D was apparently still unsatisfied. He began to get unruly and I was getting worried. He continued to scream for water even though there were multiple glasses sitting directly in front of him.
In hopes of calming him down, I turned the lights off and asked him to sit down. With the lights off, my visual field turned into a mural of smearing colors—faces melted and dripped into the depths of darkness.
I stood up and snapped at D: “Be a man! Say what’s on your mind and sit the fuck down!” Immediately, I was overcome by the presence of my father. Exactly what I wanted to avoid—I apologized to D and asked for forgiveness.
+0:30 My mood shifted from anger to apathy; if D had made it this far, he was going to be fine. It was simply a matter of guidance. With all the love I could muster, I attempted to present the current situation to D in a more fruitful manner. Despite my efforts, he repeatedly returned to the ‘mistakes’ he’d made in the past and how he will never forgive himself.
I responded: “Imagine yourself one year from now; you’re in a great place. Life is good. If you hadn’t made that mistake, you could be somewhere completely different. Is it still a mistake? Look at the big picture, brother.”
+0:45 D looked at me and asks: "Now what?" "Now what, what?" I retort? He says he sees the world differently now--his eyes have been opened. "Integration." What you do now is up to you; this experience can be mean as little or as much as you choose to make it. I discuss the idea of writing a TR.
+1:00 Things were finally starting to look up. D calmed down and asked to smoke weed. I turned on the vape and got comfortable on the floor. Out of the blue, D looked at K and asked if they can have babies together. Stunned, I chose not to speak. After a short back and forth, K accepted his offer.
I interject: if you wish to have children, please adopt. If you want a child for the child's sake, please do not bring another child into this world. The cost to the environment and to the human condition is far too great. I can appreciate the 'connection' a mother has with a child she gives birth to, but the act of having a child is only a small slice of the pie.
In reality, that connection can be made through the nurturing and upbringing of a child adopted from all walks of life. If you cannot see past this, I'd venture to say you are having a child for you, not for the child.
+1:30 K was not immediately convinced, but after some discussion she was willing to see my rationale. I then thought, well perhaps my rationale is erroneous. Where does one base their rationality? Conversation turned to the liar's paradox: [True] objectivity cannot exist as long as we retain our identity as humans in our subjective realities.
"I am always a liar." Well, not if you're always a liar you're not. Or, "this statement is false." It's true that it's false and it's false that it's false. We create the reality for something to be right, wrong, or otherwise. If this is the case, then on what basis do I make decisions? There must be a realm of objectivity which we can tap. I'll keep looking. We really are rationally irrational in our own little worlds.
Silence filled the room.
+2:15 "Then there's you" says D. "K clearly likes you, how do I deal with that?"
Life is a constant ebb and flow, D. You fight it and you get left behind; you go with it and things just might work out in your favor. I cannot deny feelings that have been exchanged between K and I, but I can say that whatever happens is for the best. In this situation, I'm not [particularly] interested in having a relationship right now, so let's leave the conversation at that.
+2:15-3:15 Miss C and I left the apartment to allow K and D some alone time. The sky was unreal: the 'twinkle' in my eye took hold of the monstrous buildings that were surrounded by the milky blue sky. No matter how long I've lived in the city, my amazement for these man-made mountains will never cease.Conversation danced from subjects of botany, psychology, and philosophy.
Fatigue took hold.
+3:30 We returned to the apartment and got ready for bed. Before long, I drifted into a warm, peaceful sleep. An interesting night indeed.
While more than halfway done with my coursework, some of the most intensive assignments awaited my attention. My intentions were as follows: a few hours with a friend and 2C-T-2 would first facilitate a deconstruction of my negative sentiments and perhaps produce insights into my upcoming work. A night of dancing would follow to relieve stress.
Miss C picked me up at 7:30PM and we headed over to my apartment to begin preparations.
En route (8:00PM) I received a call from K, a friend I promised a few doses of 4-AcO and 5-MeO-DMT to—I hop out of the car and meet K in front of my building. She brings an unexpected guest: D.
Giving out drugs to people I don’t know is not something I do—too many risks with too little reward (relatively speaking). However, D happened to be K’s boyfriend of 4 years and she repeatedly vouched for his psychedelic ‘experience.’ I reluctantly obliged.
After weighing out their doses, it was clear that they wished to stick around for a little while to get a feel for the drug before they were on their way. Again, I obliged.
At 8:50PM, Miss C returns just as K and D ingest their doses. We heat up the vape and smoke a fair amount of marijuana. Perhaps it was the nervous excitement, but I was pleasantly surprised by my ability to counteract the ‘stoney-bologna’ effect I am oft smothered by when excessively hitting the vape.
Conversation begins to get interesting as the 4aco starts to creep on K and D—I relate my desire to develop a moral framework of love that finds root in the intrinsic qualities of all human and nonhuman life. I walk them through my course of study and the interrelationship between apparently unrelated subjects. I present them with some insight into how they can integrate such sentiments into their upcoming experience.
I always enjoy relating information that, to me, appears so obvious, but to others is hiding just below the surface. The light that shines through people’s eyes when it ‘clicks’ makes me feel so good inside. I was happy that they were happy that I was happy that they were happy because we were all happy.
It was 10:15PM and K and D were just about full swing. Conversation turns to my eating habits: I’m a longtime raw foodist and D appears resistant to the idea of not eating meat—he wishes to challenge my beliefs.
With as much care as possible, I inform him of not only the environmental, but also the effects that the meat industry has on the human condition. Effectively, a significant portion of fertile land in our country is allotted to growing feed which could be used to grow food for starving people in our country. Lastly, I cannot eat an animal that was raised on a farm in horrific conditions—not simply for the way they are treated, but I am of the opinion that those emotions do not dissipate after the animal passes. When you consume that animal product, you absorb those emotions of sadness, confusion, fear, and hate. Take that as you will, but that is my opinion on the matter.
K and D were acting a bit funny—it appeared as though D could not decide if he wished to stay or leave. He repeatedly brings K to the corner of my apartment to discuss the situation. K clearly wishes to stay, but D seems hesitant. I make it clear that they can do whatever they like, and that I will need to be dosing and leaving soon anyway. I ask D what was wrong, but couldn't find the word.
As 11:00PM approaches, D is still struggling to formulate coherent sentences. It became increasingly apparent that I could not responsibly allow him to leave my apartment. He was laying on the floor laughing and acting like a goofball. I cut my losses, called my friends to inform them I won’t be making it out, and leaft D to his own devices.
Miss C and I were ready to dose. 10mg ± .001 was weighed out, dissolved in distilled water, split in half, and prepared for injection.
+0:00 Belt. Pinch. Pull. Blood. Breathe. Whoa. WHOA.
Before the needle was out, every inch of my body was engulfed by an intense energy that gripped my very existence. My body shook as the cold mass of energy shifted from top to bottom, left to right, in and out, and back again. I thought: did I take too much? I told Miss C to wait before she joined the party.
Almost immediately, my visual field was overcome by my beloved 2C ‘focus’—everything filled out and took on a new depth with a slightly yellow hue.
As I focused on my breathing to remain calm and centered, I heard K pressing D to relate what’s wrong—something was clearly off.
+0:03 My favorite part: the purge. I made my way to the bathroom but was unable to follow through. K and D were still struggling to communicate. This time, however, D was a bit more reluctant. Just as I told him to sit down, I was once again overcome by the need to purge.
+0:05 I run to the bathroom and do my business. I knew I wasn't finished yet, but it was a good start. I reenter the room to see Miss C lying on the ground clearly enjoying the current state of affairs—inside and out. K and D appeared to be making progress.
+0:07 Bathroom. Purge. Repeat.
I’m of the opinion that nothing is free—if you wish to learn about yourself and make strides to better your life situation, you’re going to give back somewhere. In my experience, it’s the purge. Like I said, the best part.
I left the bathroom and observe K and D. D looked at K and told her that he had been cheating on her—he’s deeply sorry and follows the comment with the desire to that they take a break from the relationship. K agrees, but wishes for them still to be friends.
I couldn't help but make the connection between my purge and D’s ‘purge.’
+0:15 I make my way over to the couch where Miss C is enjoying herself. I lie down and close my eyes. Miss C puts her head up against mine and we enjoy a surreal mind melt.
The infinite space that was the inside of my eyelids was cut down the middle by a blue line—wrapped around it was an array of breathing geometric patterns that danced and morphed with light and love. The shapes liquefied and moved in every direction. Beautiful.
+0:20 Despite D and K’s breakthrough, D was apparently still unsatisfied. He began to get unruly and I was getting worried. He continued to scream for water even though there were multiple glasses sitting directly in front of him.
In hopes of calming him down, I turned the lights off and asked him to sit down. With the lights off, my visual field turned into a mural of smearing colors—faces melted and dripped into the depths of darkness.
I stood up and snapped at D: “Be a man! Say what’s on your mind and sit the fuck down!” Immediately, I was overcome by the presence of my father. Exactly what I wanted to avoid—I apologized to D and asked for forgiveness.
+0:30 My mood shifted from anger to apathy; if D had made it this far, he was going to be fine. It was simply a matter of guidance. With all the love I could muster, I attempted to present the current situation to D in a more fruitful manner. Despite my efforts, he repeatedly returned to the ‘mistakes’ he’d made in the past and how he will never forgive himself.
I responded: “Imagine yourself one year from now; you’re in a great place. Life is good. If you hadn’t made that mistake, you could be somewhere completely different. Is it still a mistake? Look at the big picture, brother.”
+0:45 D looked at me and asks: "Now what?" "Now what, what?" I retort? He says he sees the world differently now--his eyes have been opened. "Integration." What you do now is up to you; this experience can be mean as little or as much as you choose to make it. I discuss the idea of writing a TR.
+1:00 Things were finally starting to look up. D calmed down and asked to smoke weed. I turned on the vape and got comfortable on the floor. Out of the blue, D looked at K and asked if they can have babies together. Stunned, I chose not to speak. After a short back and forth, K accepted his offer.
I interject: if you wish to have children, please adopt. If you want a child for the child's sake, please do not bring another child into this world. The cost to the environment and to the human condition is far too great. I can appreciate the 'connection' a mother has with a child she gives birth to, but the act of having a child is only a small slice of the pie.
In reality, that connection can be made through the nurturing and upbringing of a child adopted from all walks of life. If you cannot see past this, I'd venture to say you are having a child for you, not for the child.
+1:30 K was not immediately convinced, but after some discussion she was willing to see my rationale. I then thought, well perhaps my rationale is erroneous. Where does one base their rationality? Conversation turned to the liar's paradox: [True] objectivity cannot exist as long as we retain our identity as humans in our subjective realities.
"I am always a liar." Well, not if you're always a liar you're not. Or, "this statement is false." It's true that it's false and it's false that it's false. We create the reality for something to be right, wrong, or otherwise. If this is the case, then on what basis do I make decisions? There must be a realm of objectivity which we can tap. I'll keep looking. We really are rationally irrational in our own little worlds.
Silence filled the room.
+2:15 "Then there's you" says D. "K clearly likes you, how do I deal with that?"
Life is a constant ebb and flow, D. You fight it and you get left behind; you go with it and things just might work out in your favor. I cannot deny feelings that have been exchanged between K and I, but I can say that whatever happens is for the best. In this situation, I'm not [particularly] interested in having a relationship right now, so let's leave the conversation at that.
+2:15-3:15 Miss C and I left the apartment to allow K and D some alone time. The sky was unreal: the 'twinkle' in my eye took hold of the monstrous buildings that were surrounded by the milky blue sky. No matter how long I've lived in the city, my amazement for these man-made mountains will never cease.Conversation danced from subjects of botany, psychology, and philosophy.
Fatigue took hold.
+3:30 We returned to the apartment and got ready for bed. Before long, I drifted into a warm, peaceful sleep. An interesting night indeed.
