Vastness
Bluelight Crew
24 mg 2C-B + 80mg MXE
I feel like I might be saying this a lot recently but apart from a fairly harrowing and difficult experience on another psych and dissociative combo recently, which was far more immersive and far stranger, this one was in a sense completely different, and also in many ways so much more powerful because of the consistent lucidity of the experience.
Some parts of the experience as ever, defy words, and although at the time I wondered if I would change forever from this point forward, as ever the descent back from the higher consciousness of the psychedelic state brings back all the illusions and trappings of sober life, and the accompanying doubt in the existence of anything beyond this thinly veiled illusion of the material.
In any case, firstly, some backstory. I was not in the best place mentally. I had been looking forward to a date with a very interesting and beautiful girl which had been cancelled at the last minute, her having just started getting serious with someone else. I had tried to stick to my usual routine of gym, meditation, positive habits and exercise and thus had seen a friend earlier in the day and worked out for about an hour and a half. A relevant factor is that in the morning that day, I imbibed 200mg Phenylpiracetam, and 100mcg Adamax (longer lasting analogue of the Russian nootropic “Semax”), as an exercise performance enhacer and slight mood lift. This was at about 9.30 AM. Five or so hours later, I was very tired, and starting to feel quite down. Although I had told myself I would not use any MXE for at least another few months (I did also use 100mg yesterday) I found myself automatically getting the baggie out and starting to cut 20mg lines.
One note before we being - timestamps are essentially guesses, as I didn't make any real notes, just looked at the clock a few times, but I think they're accurate enough.
T-1:00 Pre-doses, MXE, analysis of potential interactions
I started dosing about 6 PM – 8h30m after the nootropics. Phenylpiracetam has a half life of 3-5 hours, so going by the approximate 5 half lives rule for essentially total clearance, I probably still had at least 25mg in my body, although whether this was exerting any residual effects is an open question. Semax itself has a much shorter half life of just a few minutes, although allegedly it’s effects on the body can persist up to 24 hours – so it’s quite possible this small dose of Adamax was exerting some residual effects on my neurochemistry.
Anyway while watching a show on Netflix, a hobby which I have previously had something of a problem with, but have really made a solid effort at knocking it on the head recently through practicing positive habits and attempting to always be present and not waste my precious time on Earth, but was allowing myself to indulge in just to self-sooth through external sensory distractions. I started out with 40mg, then was dosing lines of MXE every 20 minutes or so, so was done with the 80mg by about 7:00 PM. Just prior to the last line, I started thinking that maybe I should take a psychedelic instead.
I always feel dissociatives are somewhat dark, destructive drugs, yes maybe they provide access to a similar realm as psychedelics do, but they do so through twisted channels and at considerable psychological cost – especially for more habitual or frequent users, where the corrosive effects of the psychic intrusions, so to speak, start to cause wear and negative effects on the mind – this is true for most people I think, although I don’t doubt some people DO manage to use dissociatives safely, mindfully, and while steering clear of them whenever the darker edges start to show. I personally just did not – indeed, even using small doses of MXE, 100mg or so in a night, makes my bladder hurt a little even after a several month break from ketamine, which should be concerning enough for me to stop entirely – but it so far has not been.
T0: 24mg 2C-B
I have been planning to take a new 2C-x chemical soon, but this night I did not feel up to taking something unfamiliar – so I settled on 2C-B, a substance I have done a few times and which I find to be quite forgiving on the whole. I took a small dose – 8mg, at first – then decided to up this with another 16mg, taking my total dose to 24mg 2C-B combined with 80mg MXE.
At first, I continued watching the show I was watching – it was a somewhat dark episode where a character had just hung themselves, but I tried to just keep myself present, and began to think I was being shown this to remind myself that no matter how bad I thought things were, they were still a lot better than they could have been. I had, prior to this, been starting to feel quite good – a combination of the gentle come-up of 2C-B plus the MXE starting to set in although, I did think initially that the MXE was feeling a little mild – maybe dose played a factor, maybe the famous dissociative sobriety-delusion – either of which could have contributed to my decision to take 2C-B, which was rather spontaneous and unplanned. But in any case, at this point, maybe 30 minutes in to the 2C-B, I was not getting any real visuals as such, but was starting to feel a strange, slightly anxious feeling – maybe not too unfamiliar with any psychedelic – at least for me.
Finally I decided I could no longer stomach the grim storyline I was watching, so switched to something more light-hearted. I found I could not really follow this, and in fact found the fast moving pace of the pictures and colours a little hard to follow and disorientating – so I tried putting on some music. This was equally disconcerting, so I shut my laptop and went to simply lie down, telling myself I was just going to meditate lying down and feel the sensations wash over me as they may.
T+1:00? Lying down with eyes closed
I lay down in silence and closed my eyes – at this point, the experience I would say, although veering into somewhat uncomfortable territory, was still quite mild. With my eyes closed, I watched the movements of roiling shades of grey behind my eyes, like some kind of sea of liquid rubber suspended in white space while various blobs connected and diverged from the other floating blobs with rubbery tendrils. I was starting to feel something else at this point, although I could not put my finger on what it was, exactly. I decided rather than clearing my mind to try to take a more active role in the experience, and tried to feel my astral self and my chakras – I have been reading a little about chakras recently and although I am not entirely sure I believe in them – I had an insight of sorts during a period of sober mediation that appears to have benefitted me in controlling difficult feelings in everyday life. So I tried to focus on my energy body. As I did this, the grey sea of blobs began to darken, and new colours began to appear – bright colours of electric green and yellow and blue and red, and I realised that I was no longer seeing the field of view behind my closed eyes, but a network of energy that was within myself. Honestly, the specifics of this experience, especially the chronology, are somewhat lost to my drug-infused memory, but I was vaguely aware that something magical seemed to be happening. I opened my eyes, got up went to the toilet, and could feel that familiar mild urinary retention and bladder twinge while urinating – this concerned me, of course, although it immediately struck me that it was not permanent, nothing was, and this was a challenge that the universe itself had set before me – as long as I just don’t do any more MXE, I’ll be fine…
T+1:30 – wandering… entity contact
While I was walking out of the bathroom, it was like my body was coursing with energy – not all of it comfortable – some of it worry about my having damaged my health in a way I knew I should have known better than to do – additionally just unidentifiable uncomfortable body sensations – I decided to try to probe this further, and had an urge to just close my eyes, and try to listen to the sensation, to feel, again, my “astral self”. During my sober meditations, as I mentioned, I became aware of some kind of tingling, erratic, unstable energy in my chest, which I identified as my heart chakra – upon reading further (earlier, while sober), an energy blockage in the heart chakra seemed to match a lot of the negative psychological issues I had been struggling with – and still am to some extent – anxiety, demotivation, apathy, trouble connection with others… and I was granted/thought of/had the insight into a visualisation I could do envisioning a golden orb in the center or my chest, like I was consciously stabilising this blockage and allowing the life energy of the cosmos to flow through me unimpeded. I have since been able to use this technique to bring myself back to the present, and separate myself from the ceaseless ocean of my seething, human mind – with some success, I must say.
In any case, I tried to begin with this, to feel the energy in my heart chakra – and use this energy to create a suction effect to draw energy from the Earth through my legs, abdomen, to the top of my head, and thus feel where my body was weakest. As this happened, it was like suddenly I was separate from this pain – I was within my body still – but I was also something else – like I had partially uncoupled my soul from its incarnate form, and I could observe myself, without judgement, objectively, see the areas I was doing damage (bladder, kidneys, lungs from the occasional cigarette, more general effects of poor health decisions in some sense) – but for these moments, I did not feel it. The same multi-coloured fractalising ocean of blobs in blackness like an infinite multidimensional lava lamp danced behind my eyes. I opened them again – and, partially – came back to the physical.
At this point the open eye visuals were ramping up – I was seeing tracers, no solid object was truly solid any more, the black textured marble effects of my kitchen worktops were swirling and moving like water, and I realised this point that everything was shimmering in the winds of eternity, my mind’s filtering mechanism for the all-consciousness that pervades all of existence was no longer able to keep things constrained, and I felt like in a moment everything could just dissolve.
Everything is surface detail, and illusion, but the illusion of time keeps us anchored to it. I felt like the veil of reality was becoming translucent, offering me the chance of a tantalising glimpse at what lay beyond. At the same time, my body was feeling like it was suffering somewhat, possibly under the strain of overstimulation from the MXE and 2C-B combo combined with the hour and a half of high intensity training I had done earlier and, probabl, not given myself ample time to recover from.
I walked back into my front room, slowly this time, trying my best to just BE, not think of the past, the future, or the worries of the day, or of life, just focus on this moment, right now, for this moment surely would not last, but I was in a holy place of magic and if I wanted to get anything out of it I needed to not fight it, in fact savour it as best I can. But, as I mentioned, I do have some residual anxieties and fear I am working through, which manifest typically as a tightness in my chest which sometimes makes everyday life a struggle even when it should be easy – or, I should say, would seem easy to some.
I sat down on my sofa and opened my laptop – immediately after I closed it again – technology was not what I wanted right now. I had a few moments of apprehension, even fear, and considered if I could truly handle this, whether I should take an etizolam or valium of 2 to calm down. I told myself I would not however – I have softened the majesty of such celestial experiences enough times – it was time to brave this onslaught of divine grace with courage without diluting it with anything else. I had zero desire to do any more MXE at this point, accessible though it would have been. I was probably still on it, that said – but I wanted to have as pure an experience as I could. I could see no way to distract myself, or make it easier, so I sat down in my chair I usually use to meditate, again in silence, and closed my eyes.
The visuals now had taken on a different character, of impossible shapes, moving more slowly, but of incredible beauty. The tendrils within myself I felt before were now reaching out into something that was not myself. Something before me began to form a shape of indefinable dimensions, ever changing colours, and some kind of background, slow music like it was coming from a far distance started up in my head – writing this now, I believe I heard this far more faintly when I was first lying on my bed – but it was low enough in volume to dismiss – this time, it was not. This is some kind of celestial song of the universe or the divine that I often hear during trips, especially if I do them in silence, although to be honest I do not trip in silence too often, but usually towards the end when I am lying down, trying to come down, I will hear this sound.
In any case, this shape was a smooth fluid of electric tendrils branching out in all directions, it was somehow rotating but in the same way that a shape of more dimensions than we can usually perceive would rotate. If you’re not sure what this means, watch a video of a rotating tesseract/hypercube as visible from a 3-dimensional observer – it looked like that, but far more complex, somehow with infinitely more vertices, corners, and possibly changing form as it went. The energy tendrils entwined with my own and I felt their touch – I immediately felt something not of this world. I could scarcely handle the electricity which seemed to be filling my mind to the exclusion of all thought, all that I thought I knew, and I felt the telepathic communication from this being, or rather, collection of beings, without words, but they told me that I had been put on this Earth for a purpose, and that while I was on Earth I would not know them, I would not see them, and I would forget what I truly was – but everything is playing out as it always would, everything was playing out as planned, no matter where I was in life, I was here for a reason, I was here because of the orchestration of forces I could not hope to comprehend. All this being the case, in some sense, I recognised that I was a part of them, or had been at one point, maybe would be again.
At this point, I opened my eyes. Within the room before me was a translucent being, with some kind of triangular head, which seemed a more stable, less fluctuating and incomprehensible version of the shape I had seen before. But the being was entirely translucent – if you’ve seen the camouflage suit in the film “Predator” - that’s what they looked like.
My eyes were transfixed, I did not dare look around or away - in this moment I had no doubt of the reality of this, but I also felt I just should not look away. The entity stood very close to me, but towered over me, I’m not sure if it had limbs but I felt it enveloping me with some kind of energy field, maybe long, spindly arms, maybe the same tendrils I saw before with my eyes closed.
Out of the corner of my eyes I could see more such figures, standing back, almost invisible in their translucent forms – some anthropomorphic, some amorphous, some just something else. I had the sensation of being in the presence of the divine movers behind reality. No words were spoken – and I was frightened – but I did not feel any malice from these entities – only love. I had the sensation that some of these entities had been humans once – this was like an innate sensation, like my own soul could sense others of my kind – but some of them had never been human, not that they were alien, maybe just never incarnate, truly of a different plane. At this point I did speak – believing fully that I was in the presence of consciousnesses immaterial that had transcended or just always been above this physical world - I asked if my father was with them – my father died recently, about 2 years ago – and I was informed that he was. At this point I had closed my eyes again – the visual impact seemed to somehow cloud my ability to perceive whatever was coming through from behind the veil – and I sensed some kind of chatter, and was told that he was – at this point it was like I could suddenly feel his presence – although I could not see him. The translucent shapes when I closed my eyes gave way to oscillating layers of colour, intertwining, overlapping, some kind of energy I cannot truly describe but which I understood to be both a conglomerate of all who had given me the gift of this vision as well as some kind of higher reflection of individual consciousness from elsewhere in space and time.
My father was very ill when he died, and not the person that he once was. We also had a very difficult relationship, for which we could be said, in some sense, to both share blame, although I take responsibility for it because I am only responsible for my own actions. At this point I perceived a particular sheet of rippling energy move forwards to overlap most of the rest, behind only the oscillating hyper-object which remained directly before me, seeming to facilitate this connection with the otherworld. Again – no words were spoken from the entities – but I sensed from them that indeed, my father was with them, and I perceived my father making himself known kindly, although he did not speak – indeed, could not speak, for the veil could not be entirely surpassed, perhaps not even by these pseudo-gods or eternal spirits.
T+2:00 Overwhelming emotional release…
At this point, I found myself crying, something I have not really done since my father died – I bent over in my chair, opened my eyes and looked at the ground, immediately abashed to be given the audience I had been apparently given, I thanked my father tearfully for all he had given me in life, and said I was so sorry that I had not been kinder to him – as I spoke these words, I had the sensation that he understood, and more, and I would too one day, but for now could let it go, and I felt other entities voicing their input like a silent celestial cacophony of direct-to-mind silent sounds overlaid with the celestial music and a new, deep, oscillation from ”The Object” that had started to change faster and create a noise like an oscillating piece of thick metal in air until it reached a crescendo and was gone. I suddenly breathed, great, gasping breaths, sucking in air to take everything in, so humbled and awestruck as I tried to appreciate the majesty of what I had touched and what I had seen – I looked around the room and realised that everything was exactly as it was supposed to be. The moment is all there is, and this was the moment – at this point, I had no worries at all – I had absolute faith in the universe, myself, and god himself/herself/itself that I was on the only path I could be on – I had arrived here in the only way I ever could – and I would live my life in the only way I was ever going to, even if the future was uncertain, unknown, or simply forgotten to me.
I got up – just to try to orient myself after this breath-taking inner journey – I wasn’t sure where I was going but I walked back into the kitchen under the bright fluorescent light to look at the shimmering visuals. Everything was alive still, and shimmering – while the entities themselves were starting to recede from my consciousness, I could still feel them just behind the veil. The room sparkled with magic energy, rippling again with waves from the ether that coursed through my mind and forced open the usually tightly closed filtering mechanisms that allow us to operate in sober reality. I realised I was now quite dizzy, even sick, like I might need to purge, throw up, collapse, lie down. I really didn’t want to do this and tried to steel myself – bizarrely, I remember thinking I didn’t want to embarrass myself in the presence of the gods, like this was a test to see if I was worthy to be given the lesson they wanted to give me.
Suddenly I just stopped still, standing bolt upright, looking at a white tile on the wall – this time I felt another presence reaching through the void – one of something Almighty, of inconceivable power and as it observed me the power of its gaze sent an invincible feeling of divine, otherworldly power surging through my limbs, and at that point I felt like I could truly could weather anything – indeed, had a duty to, and would be granted strength by god. I realised again that life was all around us, not as we understand it, but awareness, consciousness in some form. I realised also that I was but a vessel for the Almighty Lord God of All Creation (I’m using a somewhat Christian metaphor here although I explicitly am not Christian, don’t subscribe to the Jesus mythology at all, yadda yadda, it’s just what came to my mind – arguably because my upbringing was Christian). At this point I just had to fall to my knees, and again I spoke, I said something like “I surrender to your grace, use me as your vessel, I am your instrument on Earth”. I might have cried again while I said this. I felt honestly like a warrior for god. But the battle was life itself, and to live it, and exert my will in the only way I am able.
I think some of this – I must admit – beautiful as this experience was – was the classic dissociative egotism creeping in and casting shade on the psychedelic experience like I myself was unique and special – but my belief was not entirely egotistical in nature. For I understood at this point that this is true for all of us – we are all vessels, mere conduits for the universal, multiversal omnipotent self-creating Boltzmann brain of infinity itself. I touched the Earth (actually the tiles on my kitchen floor) and could feel the raw power of history surging beneath me. I knew I was not the first to be touched in this way – and I felt the strength of every strong, courageous, brave or good action taken by any human being, indeed, even pre-human beings, that had brought me to where I was now.
I had been feeling quite lonely as I mentioned at the beginning – but in this moment again I realised that we are never alone – we are always surrounded by the souls of all who have come before us, and indeed, all who will come after us. Love is all around us, and all of us no matter what our differences are working towards the advancement of life and love in the only way we know how – even when it seems we are doing the opposite, everything happens the only way it can.
T+2.30 – breaking one of my golden rules of tripping and calling someone
At this point, I had the urge to call someone. I noticed with some surprise it was only about 9:30 – so I had been tripping for 2.5 hours – although it seemed like a lot longer. As I say, at this point I had an urge to call someone, so I picked up my phone, put it down again quickly and thought about that again. I have a golden rule so as not to cause nuisance, embarrassment or fallout while in deep trips alone, which is to under no circumstances text, call, or answer phones unless it seems to be an absolute emergency, and I was lucid enough that my previously ingrained safety subroutines were still intact. Whatever news this was that I wanted to share, it could wait until later.
At that point however, my sister texted me about someting, I texted back that I loved her, and she immediately guessed I was tripping. I phoned and we had a brief chat, although after voicing my love and finding she was actually about to drive from work and seemed a bit stressed I felt a little awkward so quickly let her go. She was cool about it though and my decision to call her definitely was the minimal amount of fall out, all things considered, she might joke about it later but that’s it. Other considered options were my Mum (so glad I didn’t do this) or my friend who actually is recently going through the whole AA/NA thing so might have got a judgey vibe which I didn’t desire. On hanging up however the awkwardness was immediately dismissed, as I realised this was just another joke of the grand game of the human condition – an illusion of the mind.
I realised as I started to come down some of my anxieties about what I had done, my life, how I was going to operate tomorrow, work, etc, coming back – but was able to quickly dismiss them and just laugh – this is the cosmic joke of the game of human life – these things have been put here for a reason, challenges to help us grow and fulfil our divine purpose, and we need to live with them, overcome them, indeed we have a sacred duty to do so, as best we can, and to help others to do so, as best we can, but there is just no reason to surrender to them – only to surrender to the whims of the gods / the universe / fate, or whatever reality is, which is surely something stranger than any of us can ever imagine.
T+5:00 coming down…
I did start to feel very scatty, over-stimulated, just not pleasant, and my bladder pains started to return at around 12:00 midnight – 5 hours after dosing. I tried to just resume what I was doing but was just feeling very restless, still quite overstimulated, and uncomfortable. Eventually I took 2mg etizolam and 10mg of valium to sleep.
Day after and afterthoughts…
I woke up early and honestly have taken about the same amount of benzos/thienos today – I put this down more to the MXE than the 2C-B – but I felt very scattered and uncomfortable – but, also, just great, very, very grateful to be alive, and with an overwhelming love for everyone I know – I plan to make a point of telling all my friends and family I love them when I see them next, which I never do, but we should tell the people we love that we love them.
I won’t say this was so powerful it changed me overnight – but I have a resistance to such immediate change anyway, as drugs of course delude just as much, or arguably more often, than they offer us real insights. I prefer to let things settle, and see what sticks.
Honestly though, I think I am done with all arylcyclohexylamines now. They never offer me too much that I don’t believe could be offered in a more pure way with psychedelics alone – they are in many ways just pure self-indulgent hedonism, and most importantly, they make my bladder hurt, even in low doses, which is surely asking for trouble. To continue would be insane. Same goes for cocaine – minus the bladder thing. I won’t say I’ll never do any of these ever again. I know how fickle and changeable and forgetful the human mind is, no matter how profound the lesson. But it will be years.
This is probably the closest I got ever to developing an actual, honest to god, belief in god, afterlives, prelives, and an ethereal realm beyond what we can perceive in the material. I don’t know what to make of this now – I’m just so cynical and bound to neurological/mechanistic explanations of human interpretations of divine phenomenon. But during this trip I felt without doubt that god is real, the gods are real, death is not the end, ethereal beings are always with us, and there is an ethereal plane inaccessible to us but always around us.
Is it true and not a delusion? Who knows, I guess it’s impossible not to forget again once we return to a sober state, our minds just filter it out, or maybe start functioning normally again and separating reality from fiction.
One final good thing happened, towards the tail end of my trip I sent a message to my not-to-be date that I had done 2C-B alone instead, had a really profound spiritual experience and so wishing her all the best and thank you so much. Bit of a risk obviously with many women… She found this absolutely hilarious though, somehow I just knew she would, and we are chatting occasionally again. So who knows what will happen, no big deal either way though, everyone involved will surely be happy in the end, and whatever the eventual outcome, that’s always how it was gonna go and exactly how it was supposed to go.
I hope you all enjoyed reading.
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Sometimes those just happen
It was a horrible thing. I had a really good relationship with my dad so it was just 100% fucked, worst thing I've ever experienced or seen. I couldn't cry for the 6 years it was slowly happening, except briefly a couple of times. At his wake, while hundreds of people were telling me stories about how he saved them or changed their lives, I couldn't cry, in fact I (and my siblings too) had an almost celebratory vibe, as it was actually a relief for everyone (him the most) that he finally passed. It was fucking with my head. Then the next day at his funeral, to my surprise I cried the whole time except when I gave my speech, I managed to hold it off. It was a great relief and it was a very healing day. I'm glad you've been able to cry as well. 
and I trust myself to look after myself - so I'm going to properly seal it up and keep it stashed away, and maybe in a few years I'll feel like coming back to it.
