Recovery 20 months clean 2 seconds later dirty

[ViperCon1975]

It took me 20 months to get comfortably and completely clean and it took me just 2 seconds to get dirty again.

Let me explain, 20 months ago I was a heavy user of Meth. Shooting up was my way of taking the drug. Meth wasn't a drug for me. It made me something that wasn't human. I was not me when I was on it. I was loosing myself to the power of Meth. I finally woke up and realized what the drug was doing to me. I realized what the Drug was doing when I noticed I was being followed every time I used Meth strange things started happening. Like people in my back yard flashing lights at me. I had gotten so freaking weird when I was on the Meth I would bring attention to myself. When I noticed I went into rehab for a total of 128 day's . I then spent 20 months living on the streets and working nights and sleeping during the day. I stayed away from other people that I knew or expected to be on Meth. I smoke lots of weed and every now and then I had a few beers.....I started talking to my children again. My life was good and I was starting to be happy again. I was enjoying life. Then just 7 Day's
ago it all came crashing down on me when I came across a little bag of Meth... How I got it, is not important. What is important is I didn't stop and think I just ate that shit without even a thought of the consequences . It's been a week since that happened it I've been cleaned for 4 days now. I'm being followed again and it's my fault. I'm scared not going to lie. I feel like dying. I don't trust myself. I know I shouldn't have used Meth again but I did and I had lost control over it. What can I do to make sure that shit doesn't happen again.

Sorry I just had to speak about this. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. I'm lost and I'm seriously thinking of ending my life just because I'm not strong enough to say no to a drug.

 

[Electrum1]

Definitely don't end your life. You being followed is very likely the meth sending you back into a state of psychosis and isn't actually happening. Psychosis will happen easier from now on when you use meth, so with 4 days of not using you gotta just stay clean from it and most likely everything will go back to normal. If you keep doing meth then eventually you may not recover mentally, so stop now so at least you can be involved in your childrens lives and be there for them

 

[ViperCon1975]

No I am being followed and I got proof of it on video but that's beside the point I thought I was losing my mind but no being followed is actually happening. I never broke the law that's why they never arrested me but they know that I'm on Meth and I act very strange. I know I shouldn't do Meth. And I thought I can be around it and just say no but apparently I haven't gotten there yet. Thanks for replying I like to hear other people's input. Thank you again for replying

 

[chippermonk]

And to add to what Electum said, 20 months is a long time to be clean. It shows that you can do it. Fuck ups happen to anyone, you can start again .

 

[Quasimoto]

Relapse is part of recovery. Don't beat yourself up too much my friend. 20 months is just a number.

 

[jasperkent]

Thanks for replying I like to hear other people's input.

It's sadly funny how we are shocked when a drug addict uses drugs. It's kinda built into the definition of addiction, is it not?

Take it from me, a recovering alcoholic & poly-drug addict (and a chronic relapser), that it is possible to be free of all that shit. I also contemplated suicide many times and I came very close in a few instances. But that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it doesn't seem temporary at the time, but it is. For the past couple of years I've been happier than I've ever been in my life. My circumstances have not been ideal, but my ability to handle them has been pretty damn good. I am serene.

What worked for me may not work for you. Everybody is different. But I would suggest that you use whatever tools and support systems you can. If you're not ready to recover, nothing will keep you sober. But if you are ready, nothing will prevent you from it.

Keep us posted.

 

[thatmf]

It took me 20 months to get comfortably and completely clean and it took me just 2 seconds to get dirty again.

Let me explain, 20 months ago I was a heavy user of Meth. Shooting up was my way of taking the drug. Meth wasn't a drug for me. It made me something that wasn't human. I was not me when I was on it. I was loosing myself to the power of Meth. I finally woke up and realized what the drug was doing to me. I realized what the Drug was doing when I noticed I was being followed every time I used Meth strange things started happening. Like people in my back yard flashing lights at me. I had gotten so freaking weird when I was on the Meth I would bring attention to myself. When I noticed I went into rehab for a total of 128 day's . I then spent 20 months living on the streets and working nights and sleeping during the day. I stayed away from other people that I knew or expected to be on Meth. I smoke lots of weed and every now and then I had a few beers.....I started talking to my children again. My life was good and I was starting to be happy again. I was enjoying life. Then just 7 Day's
ago it all came crashing down on me when I came across a little bag of Meth... How I got it, is not important. What is important is I didn't stop and think I just ate that shit without even a thought of the consequences . It's been a week since that happened it I've been cleaned for 4 days now. I'm being followed again and it's my fault. I'm scared not going to lie. I feel like dying. I don't trust myself. I know I shouldn't have used Meth again but I did and I had lost control over it. What can I do to make sure that shit doesn't happen again.

Sorry I just had to speak about this. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. I'm lost and I'm seriously thinking of ending my life just because I'm not strong enough to say no to a drug.

Oh jesus Let it be a once-off. I think in a few weeks time you should recover. You were doing all that you could to stay off it really well! Just use this as another learning experience, don't let it get to you too much. We all make mistakes. And one eff up in 20 months is still pretty good!

 

[thatmf]

No I am being followed and I got proof of it on video but that's beside the point I thought I was losing my mind but no being followed is actually happening. I never broke the law that's why they never arrested me but they know that I'm on Meth and I act very strange. I know I shouldn't do Meth. And I thought I can be around it and just say no but apparently I haven't gotten there yet. Thanks for replying I like to hear other people's input. Thank you again for replying

Dude who knows it could be real. I've found myself in messed up, supremely messed up situations when I would use. Hold your head up and you'll be fine. Just hang in there and I'm sure you'll recover in a few weeks time at most. Just don't slip back into it all.