They say writing down your feelings and expressing yourself is good for you. So here I go:
When I was younger my psychologist would tell me to keep a journal. However, every time I did all I would write was angry nonsense. I would never enter more than two days because there was no satisfaction in writing down depressing bull crap.
Now that my life has begun to improve, I feel like I can actually write and not seem like a psychopath. It's funny how just the little changes can have a positive snowball effect on so many other facets of life. I don't know what this blog will turn into, probably just stupid blurbs about the emotions I'm feeling at the moment (which I guess what a blog is).
I live such a double life. On my first side I am a sweet, high excelling student, with a bright outlook on life. On the second side, I am a depressed and dark soul without anybody to talk to or confide in. Everybody believes in the first side that I always portray. If I didn't portray this first side, I wouldn't be able to make it through schooling or just everyday life. However, I always have to be in touch with my second side. It is such a careful balance between the two, like two poles on a magnet that keep each other perfectly attracted and repulsed at the same time.
I have bad anxiety at times, anxiety that will make me literally hide from socialization. After all, what is the point of socializing with people that you will never truly be connected to? All they see (and all they want to see) is my first side. They refuse to accept an imperfect me. I feel that because of this, I have never had a true friend.
I've considered going to a doctor or seeing a psychiatrist about this problems, but I feel as if I can't maintain my first side and good image towards other people if I do. It would ruin my upcoming professional life as I am trying to become a MD. I guess you could say I've done a good job at hiding my second side, for several years....
My mother is a bipolar and my father was an antisocial genius so I've got some pretty interesting genetics. Sometimes I feel so scared that I will become just like my mother. I ponder these things quite often, but just keep pushing them to my 2nd darker side. I know at one point I'll either have to face these feelings or I would just crack under the pressure.
When I was younger my psychologist would tell me to keep a journal. However, every time I did all I would write was angry nonsense. I would never enter more than two days because there was no satisfaction in writing down depressing bull crap.
Now that my life has begun to improve, I feel like I can actually write and not seem like a psychopath. It's funny how just the little changes can have a positive snowball effect on so many other facets of life. I don't know what this blog will turn into, probably just stupid blurbs about the emotions I'm feeling at the moment (which I guess what a blog is).
I live such a double life. On my first side I am a sweet, high excelling student, with a bright outlook on life. On the second side, I am a depressed and dark soul without anybody to talk to or confide in. Everybody believes in the first side that I always portray. If I didn't portray this first side, I wouldn't be able to make it through schooling or just everyday life. However, I always have to be in touch with my second side. It is such a careful balance between the two, like two poles on a magnet that keep each other perfectly attracted and repulsed at the same time.
I have bad anxiety at times, anxiety that will make me literally hide from socialization. After all, what is the point of socializing with people that you will never truly be connected to? All they see (and all they want to see) is my first side. They refuse to accept an imperfect me. I feel that because of this, I have never had a true friend.
I've considered going to a doctor or seeing a psychiatrist about this problems, but I feel as if I can't maintain my first side and good image towards other people if I do. It would ruin my upcoming professional life as I am trying to become a MD. I guess you could say I've done a good job at hiding my second side, for several years....
My mother is a bipolar and my father was an antisocial genius so I've got some pretty interesting genetics. Sometimes I feel so scared that I will become just like my mother. I ponder these things quite often, but just keep pushing them to my 2nd darker side. I know at one point I'll either have to face these feelings or I would just crack under the pressure.
