nonnihilnitoris
Bluelighter
1g P. Cubensis - Experienced - ɥʇɐǝp obǝ sı sıɥʇ
=====SKIP DOWN TO READ THE ACTUAL EXPERIENCE===THIS IS THE BACKSTORY======
A few weeks ago I had an experience with Mushrooms, which, for lack of a better phrase, was akin to being bitch-slapped by God....if that makes any sense.
Let me preface this by saying, I am not new to the psychedelic circus. I've experimented with intravenous DMT in doses exceeding 50mg many many time. I've eaten a half oz of Mushrooms in the space of six hours. And yet, I never felt threatened. When I felt myself heading into a dark headspace, I would simply accept the situation as-is and wait patiently for the anxiety to pass.
This time was different though.
I've got several theories, but my mainly I think this shadow-people thought-loop is a remnant of the damage from a multi-week bath salt binge this path summer. Yes, I injected MDPV (of dubious quality) about 8 times a day for several weeks. Yes, I did suffer moderate psychotic symptoms like daylight hallucinations, mood swings and severe paranoia.
However, I tripped several times after the binge and suffered NO ill effects until this fateful day. I figured I must be somewhat sane, since I could still articulate my thoughts and I was even able to overcome my addiction without relapsing (difficult!) but now I am doubtful about my long-term sanity.
=======STORYTIME===STORYTIME===OMG======
I had eaten a gram of average Cubensis mushrooms. Spent the time watching a documentary (Planet Earth) and listening to music.
Three hours into the trip, I'm almost completely sober. No visuals to speak of. Baseline. I'm laying on my bed, sideways, staring at the folds in the sheets. I glance to the left and....suddenly...the folds in the sheets become the a shadowy figure, who seems to be forever ducking into the corner.
These are the shadow people you see when you've been awake for 36 hrs. You know the ones. At this point, I was not afraid, simply startled and confused. It didn't make sense to me. Why should I suddenly be hallucinating when I am stone sober?
I started to become concerned when the shadows multiplied. Once the adrenaline hit me, I became extremely nauseous and began tripping EXTREMELY hard. Remember, this is 3 hrs into a standard weaksauce mushroom trip. Yet, here I was, being assaulted by a roomful of shadowy figures. I knew they weren't real, that was obvious. What I did NOT know, was if this was permanent.
I became to pass out from the intensity of the fear. I simultaneously vomited and pissed myself. Fun, right? I crawled into the bathroom and lay down, continuing to vomit, due to the intensity. Let me STRESS that this trip exceeded ANY DMT trip by an order of magnitude, due to it sheer insanity. High dose DMT is like watching a Disney movie compared to this mindfuck.
Before I began to astral project, I realized I could no longer conceive of numbers/letters/names. I tried to cling to the last vestiges of what I knew. 1-2-3-4-5 A-B-C.....but it was no use! The numbers merged with the letters, which also merged which platonic shapes (pyramid, cube, tetrahedron) until all I could think of were these chimeric images...they reminded me tarot cards or astrological symbols but they were basically archetypal shapes with every possible memory-idea attached-to/inside-of them.
I have premonitions of the future. I can see myself, backed up against a wall, in a padded room. I am in a straightjacket. My friends and family are crying. But I am smiling, utterly unaware. God speaks to me, offering me a choice: I can merge with the creator and leave my body behind, where it would rot in a mental hospital, or I can roam the earth, spreading god's word and doing what I can to help my brothers/sisters. I was afraid, so I chose to stay with my earthly body. God made it clear to me that I could change my mind later, but I decided to postpone what would essentially be "total" enlightenment" because it would be impossible to communicate and share this state of being with anyone. It's just CANNOT be put into words. Fail.
At this point, I passed out blacked out completely.
For ANOTHER THREE HOURS, I lay on the bathroom floor, comatose and shaking, reeling in shock, while my consciousness traveled back and forward through space/time, sometimes by 1000 years, sometimes a few seconds, sometimes millions of years. I passed through many other dimensions at the speed of light. The universe, from a higher dimension, tends to look like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OW5RnrlTeow
I was forced to live life after reincarnated life, in terrible pain. I felt the pain of every sentient being, past and future, forever. I watched as, NOT my body, but my soul became a conduit for evil things. Millions of dark things were born and died inside me, without my permission! I was not happy about this!
Gradually, I began to sense light. Feeling returned to my skin, my fingertips. I didn't know who or what or where I was. I did not recognize myself, didn't remember that I had taken a drug! The bathroom door was slightly ajar, and I sensed that I must leave the bathroom. So, with a heroic effort on my part, I began to half-crawl half-stumble through the door way. The light outside was blinding, and I DISTINCTLY remember the deja-vu of being reborn. It was astounding. I crawled, with each second remembering more and more.
I still could not speak at this point, except for gibberish...along the lines of "GGiiiberrsttthhhshhtaathuuwwoooweenananmedaaadda"
Exhausted, I pulled myself up onto the bed (still covered in vomit) and lay down, trying to recall my name/history. When I FINALLY remembered, I was ecstatic. Words cannot describe the euphoria of regaining my sanity. Immediately, I began to write in my notebook, about what happened. My brain was still somewhat scrambled. Here is a poem I wrote to help me remember the experience.
it's called "Transcendental Mentalism / Godhead Hypercube"
i surfed the fractal chaos
i was the pain
endless, it's truly cosmic scale terrified me
it dwarfed, i shrank
stripped down, naked.
i lay. paralyzed.
defenseless to my own desires.
that moment, lucifer passed through me.
ages, eons, infinity after infinity of evil
was birthed. each experienced itself,
and fought, valiantly sometimes
and underhanded the next
the smell of vomit soaked my clothes
it tainted my
very soul
the universe, that moment,
imploded, folded and folded again! it multiplied,
expanded, resonated, oscillated,
molted, shifted, danced,
jiggled, zoomed, burned, was consumed
and reborn, over and over, until my poor,
rattled, nervous, shaken, shit-stained,
puke-faced, pitiful, sorry body
ceased to exist
pure, unadultered
"is"-ness
is downright dangerous
to the fractal-fearing, god-loving, vegetable-eating
general populous.
soul is in between us and god for a reason, my friends
that is where we dive in
that is where the waters
surround us in ancient
amniotic glory
truth, love and wise words will
soothe your weary heart.
cleanse your mind.
less baggage is
more room for love,
young ones
Since this trip, I've found that small doses (1g or less) CONTINUE to trigger this feedback loop. I'm afraid I can no longer trip, because I'm starting to see these shadowy figures even while sober. This scares me. I've also noticed that time seems to slow down and speed up, at random intervals, again, while I'm sober. If this is HPPD, then I can really understand why people find it so unpleasant.
I feel like I did nothing to bring this upon myself, as I took a small amount in a safe environment with plenty of good-vibes and life experience to boot! Yet, weeks afterward, I'm finding myself slipping back into that trip. Caffeine, cough medicine, even laying on my bed in the same position (as when the loop began) have a tendency to trigger the loop.
Odd, yeah?
=====SKIP DOWN TO READ THE ACTUAL EXPERIENCE===THIS IS THE BACKSTORY======
A few weeks ago I had an experience with Mushrooms, which, for lack of a better phrase, was akin to being bitch-slapped by God....if that makes any sense.
Let me preface this by saying, I am not new to the psychedelic circus. I've experimented with intravenous DMT in doses exceeding 50mg many many time. I've eaten a half oz of Mushrooms in the space of six hours. And yet, I never felt threatened. When I felt myself heading into a dark headspace, I would simply accept the situation as-is and wait patiently for the anxiety to pass.
This time was different though.
I've got several theories, but my mainly I think this shadow-people thought-loop is a remnant of the damage from a multi-week bath salt binge this path summer. Yes, I injected MDPV (of dubious quality) about 8 times a day for several weeks. Yes, I did suffer moderate psychotic symptoms like daylight hallucinations, mood swings and severe paranoia.
However, I tripped several times after the binge and suffered NO ill effects until this fateful day. I figured I must be somewhat sane, since I could still articulate my thoughts and I was even able to overcome my addiction without relapsing (difficult!) but now I am doubtful about my long-term sanity.
=======STORYTIME===STORYTIME===OMG======
I had eaten a gram of average Cubensis mushrooms. Spent the time watching a documentary (Planet Earth) and listening to music.
Three hours into the trip, I'm almost completely sober. No visuals to speak of. Baseline. I'm laying on my bed, sideways, staring at the folds in the sheets. I glance to the left and....suddenly...the folds in the sheets become the a shadowy figure, who seems to be forever ducking into the corner.
These are the shadow people you see when you've been awake for 36 hrs. You know the ones. At this point, I was not afraid, simply startled and confused. It didn't make sense to me. Why should I suddenly be hallucinating when I am stone sober?
I started to become concerned when the shadows multiplied. Once the adrenaline hit me, I became extremely nauseous and began tripping EXTREMELY hard. Remember, this is 3 hrs into a standard weaksauce mushroom trip. Yet, here I was, being assaulted by a roomful of shadowy figures. I knew they weren't real, that was obvious. What I did NOT know, was if this was permanent.
I became to pass out from the intensity of the fear. I simultaneously vomited and pissed myself. Fun, right? I crawled into the bathroom and lay down, continuing to vomit, due to the intensity. Let me STRESS that this trip exceeded ANY DMT trip by an order of magnitude, due to it sheer insanity. High dose DMT is like watching a Disney movie compared to this mindfuck.
Before I began to astral project, I realized I could no longer conceive of numbers/letters/names. I tried to cling to the last vestiges of what I knew. 1-2-3-4-5 A-B-C.....but it was no use! The numbers merged with the letters, which also merged which platonic shapes (pyramid, cube, tetrahedron) until all I could think of were these chimeric images...they reminded me tarot cards or astrological symbols but they were basically archetypal shapes with every possible memory-idea attached-to/inside-of them.
I have premonitions of the future. I can see myself, backed up against a wall, in a padded room. I am in a straightjacket. My friends and family are crying. But I am smiling, utterly unaware. God speaks to me, offering me a choice: I can merge with the creator and leave my body behind, where it would rot in a mental hospital, or I can roam the earth, spreading god's word and doing what I can to help my brothers/sisters. I was afraid, so I chose to stay with my earthly body. God made it clear to me that I could change my mind later, but I decided to postpone what would essentially be "total" enlightenment" because it would be impossible to communicate and share this state of being with anyone. It's just CANNOT be put into words. Fail.
At this point, I passed out blacked out completely.
For ANOTHER THREE HOURS, I lay on the bathroom floor, comatose and shaking, reeling in shock, while my consciousness traveled back and forward through space/time, sometimes by 1000 years, sometimes a few seconds, sometimes millions of years. I passed through many other dimensions at the speed of light. The universe, from a higher dimension, tends to look like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OW5RnrlTeow
I was forced to live life after reincarnated life, in terrible pain. I felt the pain of every sentient being, past and future, forever. I watched as, NOT my body, but my soul became a conduit for evil things. Millions of dark things were born and died inside me, without my permission! I was not happy about this!
Gradually, I began to sense light. Feeling returned to my skin, my fingertips. I didn't know who or what or where I was. I did not recognize myself, didn't remember that I had taken a drug! The bathroom door was slightly ajar, and I sensed that I must leave the bathroom. So, with a heroic effort on my part, I began to half-crawl half-stumble through the door way. The light outside was blinding, and I DISTINCTLY remember the deja-vu of being reborn. It was astounding. I crawled, with each second remembering more and more.
I still could not speak at this point, except for gibberish...along the lines of "GGiiiberrsttthhhshhtaathuuwwoooweenananmedaaadda"
Exhausted, I pulled myself up onto the bed (still covered in vomit) and lay down, trying to recall my name/history. When I FINALLY remembered, I was ecstatic. Words cannot describe the euphoria of regaining my sanity. Immediately, I began to write in my notebook, about what happened. My brain was still somewhat scrambled. Here is a poem I wrote to help me remember the experience.
it's called "Transcendental Mentalism / Godhead Hypercube"
i surfed the fractal chaos
i was the pain
endless, it's truly cosmic scale terrified me
it dwarfed, i shrank
stripped down, naked.
i lay. paralyzed.
defenseless to my own desires.
that moment, lucifer passed through me.
ages, eons, infinity after infinity of evil
was birthed. each experienced itself,
and fought, valiantly sometimes
and underhanded the next
the smell of vomit soaked my clothes
it tainted my
very soul
the universe, that moment,
imploded, folded and folded again! it multiplied,
expanded, resonated, oscillated,
molted, shifted, danced,
jiggled, zoomed, burned, was consumed
and reborn, over and over, until my poor,
rattled, nervous, shaken, shit-stained,
puke-faced, pitiful, sorry body
ceased to exist
pure, unadultered
"is"-ness
is downright dangerous
to the fractal-fearing, god-loving, vegetable-eating
general populous.
soul is in between us and god for a reason, my friends
that is where we dive in
that is where the waters
surround us in ancient
amniotic glory
truth, love and wise words will
soothe your weary heart.
cleanse your mind.
less baggage is
more room for love,
young ones
Since this trip, I've found that small doses (1g or less) CONTINUE to trigger this feedback loop. I'm afraid I can no longer trip, because I'm starting to see these shadowy figures even while sober. This scares me. I've also noticed that time seems to slow down and speed up, at random intervals, again, while I'm sober. If this is HPPD, then I can really understand why people find it so unpleasant.
I feel like I did nothing to bring this upon myself, as I took a small amount in a safe environment with plenty of good-vibes and life experience to boot! Yet, weeks afterward, I'm finding myself slipping back into that trip. Caffeine, cough medicine, even laying on my bed in the same position (as when the loop began) have a tendency to trigger the loop.
Odd, yeah?
