whenever she's around for anything drug-related. I met her at AA while I was attending some courses for the court, and we bonded over our common interest, heroin, and have been copping every now and then together over the past 6 months or so. But we're like polar opposites in so many ways. I'm a snorter and what I'd consider a (for the most part) functioning addict, but she injects and is an absolute train-wreck (not that IV is the reason she's a train-wreck, but it certainly doesn't make things any easier). But she's not very good at practicing HR topics, despite my constant pressure that she cleans her act and technique up if she doesn't want to end up in real trouble. But she continues to share needles, shoot up all wrong and then is always trying to pull something shady to obtain money or to convince people to give her more than she originally bargained for. Underneath the madness she's actually a really attractive girl and is a former cheerleader and teen model. And does she ever get frustrated that her sex appeal doesn't work on me like it probably does on other dudes (which sucks for her since I'm her only way to h right now). But ya, I cringe watching her shoot up and I dread being around her while copping because of her lack of street smarts and her constant scheming for just a lil more dope than she needs (and I hate bringing her around my dudes because it's embarrassing for me when she begs for used rigs or stuff like that), but every now and then I do rely on her for a ride.
So after that bullshit about the eye contact with the dealers, she's driving me home and she's flying down the highway way over the speed limit and isn't using her indicators. I tell her to try and obey traffic laws and it is "don't tell me how to drive!" I tell her that I don't want to swallow dope but I will have to if she gets us pulled over and she says "I'll murder you in your sleep if you swallowed the dope in something like that," which makes me wonder what she'd do if she did get involved with the cops. We were going to split up(what was supposed to be) approx. .9 in a bag so that I'd giver her a small bit in exchange for the drive (and that's it, she didn't throw down.) I always tell her a percentage instead of a $ amount, so that if the bag is short, I don't suffer as much. The bag was short this night too, and I had promised her twenty percent in exchange for the drive I split the pile in half, and then in half again, and give her the smallest looking one. She first accuses me of having my dude give me the h in two bags and me only bringing out the one. She then accuses me of magically taking some and hiding/doing it during the ride. Then she starts begging me for more (if I gave her what she actually wanted from te start of the night for a twenty bag, I would have been way short on my own and would have ended up hurting today at work, which was not realistic given today of all days), trying to convince me to trader her for valium or gabapentin, she probably would have traded sexual favours (which, knowing her IV practices, would be a great way to get real sick). She is headed to some guy's house after taking me home to use his rig to shoot up, and is furious when I tell her that the bit she's going to break him off in exchange for his services will come from her dose (all along, on the drive she's arguing with her boyfriend over the phone about whether he said "I love you" to her over the phone and she didn't hear it, or he didn't say it ata all...good god, I cannot stand women who want to have conversations like these....it's terrifying) and threatens to make me walk home if I don't hook her bit up. I refuse and finally get home with most of my dope left for me.
But ya, she drove my dude crazy, drove me crazy, freaked out the dealer, lied to her boyfriend over the phone and is probably going to infect him with something, drove so that we'd risk getting pulled over, has no street smarts, has a power/bitch complex, can't understand why my dude and I don't fawn over her and give her free stuff. Man, I'm so glad I didn't sleep with this girl when I first met her and had no clue that she shot up with shared needles and lied to people about it. Anyway, and then she bitches if the dealer/middleman is late, is 27 and yet still has a curfew and has to show her parents receipts to document where she was and where her money was spent, which creates a ton of anxiety for her when the timeline for the drug deal affects the rules she has to follow for her parents, and then on a day when she doesn't want to use and instead attends AA and talks with her sponsor, she looks down on the rest of us for using and repeats to us about how shitty we look and how we're going to die.
After that disaster of a time last night, I'm done involving her in any type of drug deal ever again. I'm going to block her number from my phone and hope that she doesn't show up at my place making a scene outside of my front door when I won't let her in (like happened last time). Don't know why I keep inviting her back, it's like she is a stray dog I keep trying to get rid of, and yet keep letting her back in whenever she whimpers and I need a ride to make the sick go away. But ya, haha just me sharing one of the characters from my night job as a heroin addict.
Just picked up .9 and it's hooked up fat tonight, so this makes up for last night being short. And since I picked up so late tonight (didn't use until just after midnight after having made it through the day on just under a point in total), I could kinda do a big dose without it being much to the detriment of tomorrow morning/afternoon. So about .4 up the nose and the rest saved for tomorrow. I have a weird clicking sound/feeling going on with my left nostril. I hope that straightens itself out without me having to get too concerned. And hopefully I can make a good amount of money tomorrow and can spice things up a bit, perhaps buy a little cocaine or even stock up on some benzos for my upcoming kick before I go on a little vacation several time zones away.
Last thing, I just got spooked by something that happens rather often - voices saying something in my head. I know, I know.....oooooo, RL is turning into a crazy person! True or not, sometimes when I get really high after a long day sober, as I'm enjoying the high I'll hear what sounds like a tiny chorus of voices say my name, or say another name or word in unison real quick. It definitely catches me off-guard and sometimes scares me, or at least makes my heart skip a beat. Right now it happed while I was typing this post, and I think I heard the name "Rachel," though shortened to "Rach." It had a weird echo to it, so it was like "Rach, rach, rach...." Just kinda odd, everything's back to normal and, obviously, Rachel's not around.
who knows
