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14-10-08 Sweet Things

IXinX

Bluelighter
Joined
May 2, 2004
Messages
1,158
Location
Sydney
Hot coffee in the cold rain.
Uncombed hair, and my fingers curled around the scalding styrofoam cup,
this warmth is pain but it's so good.

I raise a shaky hand to place my head in a hood.
The tommy hilfiger raincoat i bought for $10 flaps in the breeze.
My shoes are not laced properly
and as I traipse up the hill on the way to work
there's an ache in my knees.

The air is heaving with expectation
Idolatry, raindrops.
It's early in the morning
and Jeff Buckley's cover of Van Morrison's "Sweet Thing" rings in my ear.
I had everything to fear
when i heard you were coming.
There was nothing gained
by the time you left
So i walk to work
In the resemeblence of someone bereft,
sallow-eyed, my knees jerked and I stumbled over a crack in the path.
Listening to a funeral dirge,
I light the pyre hanging from my mouth
and exhale souls into the slate grey sky.
I had nothing to fear
We are dynamite and I don't know why.


been smoking too much weed the night before and waking up to a very overcast day. I couldn't help but think about chasing things, sweet things. it helps me get through the 9-5. It helps me stay alive
 
i like this poem. I appreciate the everyday imagery because it sets the stage for your thoughts as they occure which seems fitting. One bit of criticism is that some of your tenses are a bit off which slows the pace of your work.

In the last stanza you use a present tense and a future tense. "knees jerked" as if it has already happened. but this line "The air is heaving" is a present tense.

I think once the tenses are fixed this poem is a keeper. I appreciate you posting this poem as i can relate and enjoyed it a great deal.
 
Thanks liquidphil1

normally i would pay more attention to the strictures of the poetic form but I was too in the moment to do so. I literally wrote this straight onto bluelight as i just sat down at my desk after walking up the hill.

And i wasn't in the clearest of mindsets. But i am pleased you are pleased and that you noticed my synctatical errors.
 
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