13 Years Clean & Sober PLUS Relapse

[Mayonnaise5]

13 years clean and sober after 15 years of shit ,Jail ,prison , rehab after rehab then it clicked and I ran with it. Still just as fast as if I was tweaking balls. Success after success without even really trying. Newly married to my true soulmate. Just Watching her look back as she walks away takes my breath away and makes it hard to even stare. But.... Now I'm a junkie again. It happened so fast I really can't remember how or where it started. I need help but can't risk losing my career. I guess that's why I'm here but I'm not sure.
Does being strung out again take away my recent success? It's hard for me to decide. On one hand I went 13 years; on the other hand I blew it! Swimming through the shame and guilt after that first shot was so painful i needed another shot. Then another and another etc...I'm sitting up in bed right now and my sweet wife started stirring and seeing her face relaxed and seemingly happy makes me cry; because I know she knows I'm a piece of shit AGAIN! Regardless of sayings and 12 step rhetoric I know and you know that relapse doesn't have to be part of recovery. I am not powerless against this beast. She rolled over again and put her hand on my leg... I feel her reaching; reaching for the other me that disaapeared after that first shot. Damn I miss me too.
So where do I go what do I do. Which me is going to show up? The fighter me? He scratches and crawls and bites and isnt willing to give in even an inch.i say that knowing that that version of me doesn't exist right now. This version is selfish and greedy and deaf to all normal pleasures except those that scream like sex and dope. This version of me loves that beautiful woman lying by my side and she was sent here to save me cause this me doesn't want to wake up. This me wishes for death but is too cowardly for one but would miss her too much. As if I wasn't fucked up enough I also have a voice in my left ear. I Used to have episodes that lasted a day or 2 this one is now 2 years old. I call her B and she hates me. Now I know your wondering about my lossof reality? It's only happened twice. I burned money because I thought B needed it to survive, well at least that's what she told me; "that's my money and I need it to survive" over and over until I realized she was telling me she would die without the cash so I burned it.. 65k the first time and 35 the last.
Would have been helpful right now too. See I own rehabs and I can't even show my face or walk with my chin up. I'm dying I think or maybe that's a wish. But she just rolled over and rested her hand on my leg and I reakize she's worth the fight.

 

[Sexysassystacy]

It must be really difficult to deal with your current situation.its time to throw away your pride and admit you have a pro Lem that you can't control and get help! If your wife loves you she will push you in the right direction as hard as needed. I had to leave my husband for him to get help and it worked. Maybe that's what needs to happen and maybe not but only time will tell!
Are you from Springville?

 

[herbavore]

Mayonnaise, you do not have to feel shame. You can probably remember from your last fight with addiction how utterly damaging shame is to the recovery process. Remorse and regret are fine but those you allow yourself to feel and then you walk on with them. Guilt gets under the skin and feeds exactly what you do not want to feed: a sense of powerlessness and lack of faith in your own capabilities to control your own mind and life.

Come on over to Sober Living and post this as a new thread (you can copy/paste). I think you will find a lot of support there.

 

[Mayonnaise5]

Stacy the tough love shit really doesn't work. It's been shown over and over as a detriment to recovery and especially long term. When it comes down to it all that matters is relationships and see ability to keep the good ones growing and the unhealthy ones weeded out. If my wife decided to tough love me and kick me out or whatever the case would be I would go on the runner of a lifetime and nurture the wrong relationships. I've seen it happen over and over.

 

[Mayonnaise5]

Herbavore thank you and I will.. I understand the whole process and detrimental effects of especially shame but I have this almost uncontrollable urge to let it all out. I've had it all tied up in a tight little package just waiting for it to blow. I'll get the shame handled I just need a bit. I'll copy and paste over in sober living. Thank you

 

[Sexysassystacy]

Mayo,
Don't worry your secrets safe with me but how long can you keep it up? How long before something goes wmring? How long before your wife had had enough? And if you are rocking a lab again how long before your door gets kicked in? If you really want to save and protect what you cherish get hel NOW! In clean because if you. I have my kids because if you. I'm alive because of you. I have hope because of you. I've watched you work with other addicts and we all hang on every word you say. It's our beacon of hope, our light at the end of the tunnel because you were one of us and got out. Do it again. Just like you tod me and hundreds of others you helped I believe in you!

 

[Sexysassystacy]

Hey I hope I didn't offend or scare you. I want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers constantly.I really want to help you and I really can help if you just let me.

 

[Mayonnaise5]

Stacy thanks for the support but you are starting to creep me out. I really don't want to come home to a booking rabbit. If you haven't noticed I have enough problems of my own but my wife isn't one of them. I'm head over heels and amazed that she loves me. By the way I'm not accusing you of anything inappropriate I'm just making sure it's out there . I freaking love and adore my beauiful amazing wife!

 

[Sexysassystacy]

Wow! Wow! That's about all I can say. So if you love her so much then why are you getting high? If you love her so much then talk with her and get her help. I wish you all the luck in the world.
By the way do you even remember me?

 

[catoblepas]

Powerful story. Your words give all of us hope. Strength like yours is what keeps this community together. Welcome.

 

[Mayonnaise5]

So I disappeared for a bit and now I?m back. Clean for 4 months and running my company again. It?s still hard though when people ask me how long I?ve been clean I always answer like me I never relapsed. The lie is starting to bother me more than just a little. But if I admit to anything my career and business are done... sometimes I can feel it ( the truth)swelling up inside begging to get out but I stuff it back... am I setting myself up for failure?

 

[CFC]

Hey mayonnaise, thanks for sharing, and for the update

I'm going to move this over to Sober Living if that's ok, as I think it will resonate well with the folks there and will be a good place to update as things develop in the future.

Good luck!
CFC

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

I can't help thinking that you would receive far more support in Sober Living than in New Member's Introduction .

Welcome back !