Wow, it is finally coming down to it. It's finally time to just accept the out come of what my actions have cost me. I have finally lost the one girl I thought of my soul mate. The past couple of days have been really rough but I think I am coming to terms. She try to use it's not you it's me but I didn't accept that. She believes that she doesn't love me like she used to and she believes that she needs to go experience the world on her own (meaning fuck as many guys and she can?) Now, I have to see it like this, I want her to be happy. If she believes she cannot be happy with me then I will give her what she thinks will make her happy and I will have to grow a pair of balls and just accept what Fate has given me. I know where I fucked up too. Here's the story on that:
We were sentenced to rehab for various crimes, but since I have a record before hand I had to do some time before I was released. When I was in my rehab I felt like she was being very distant in her letters to me, they were only coming once a month. So instead of being patient and waiting to finish the rehab I left and went to find out why she is being that way. She just said she was working on her self or some bullshit doesn't really matter now anyway. So I remember the day she finally got a day pass and we spent it together. She was insistent on getting a substance to get high on, so I got one that was not really a doc for us. But when it was time for her to go home she asked me if she can go to my home instead of her rehab. I said it wasn't a good idea but you have to decide. That was the biggest mistake in my life. That led us down a path that we never recovered from. We stayed "clean" for a couple of weeks if that, she got a warrant eventually and we got arrested and she went to a rehab (actually the one I went to for 40 days) and I went to jail.
While in that rehab I know they told her what a piece of shit I am, her parents told her what a piece of shit I am, shit most likely even strangers told her what a piece of shit I am. She stopped sending letters, her family lied to my dad and said they sent her out of state and she straight pulled a Kaiser Sosa and disappeared. She finally came in to contact with me, of course by than I am using again and she basically tells me she only called to see if she can get high and I tried to say no but..... That was a little over a year ago. She said than that we needed to be apart, but we started using again and she needed me to keep her high so she strung me a long. She finally got busted for dirties and they instead of violating her they resenteced her, she had to do 4-5 months and than another rehab. She kept stringing me a long this whole time until a few weeks ago, something changed. She refuses to tell me what, but I now believe it don;t matter. She will make some very happy because she is special and I guess I need to learn to let go of the past. But I gave her a lot. I gave us a lot. I tried to protect her, but heroin made it very hard to do that.
It has been a few days since she told me there is no hope after giving me hope for reconciliation for over a year. I am at wits end about everything. I am methadone now, in a different state, I have a job and an apartment. Shit, I have a car. I make pretty good money (sells, but I work my ass off) but I would rather be back where I was before January 8, 2011. I rather be a junky and have her, with a shitty job, selling H and meth to keep are habit going, because even though I was putting a lot of junk in my veins, I was happy. I was with her, my one, my soul-mate. Now, now I have only me. I don't have any real friends anymore from being a junky so long, if you ever do junk long enough, you don't have friends, you have acquaintances and all your friends leave you. I know my pain will eventually go away, but I really think it will never be totally gone. We were together for so damn long, she wasn't just my spouse, she was my lover, my best friend. We did everything together. We were attached at the hip and I actually enjoyed it. She isn't like other girls who are needy and bitchy. She was, is what every guy looks for in a girl. Feminine, but also, a person that you could chill with and say anything to. She will eventually find someone who will treat her right. I tried and got locked up because of addiction beyond control.
We were sentenced to rehab for various crimes, but since I have a record before hand I had to do some time before I was released. When I was in my rehab I felt like she was being very distant in her letters to me, they were only coming once a month. So instead of being patient and waiting to finish the rehab I left and went to find out why she is being that way. She just said she was working on her self or some bullshit doesn't really matter now anyway. So I remember the day she finally got a day pass and we spent it together. She was insistent on getting a substance to get high on, so I got one that was not really a doc for us. But when it was time for her to go home she asked me if she can go to my home instead of her rehab. I said it wasn't a good idea but you have to decide. That was the biggest mistake in my life. That led us down a path that we never recovered from. We stayed "clean" for a couple of weeks if that, she got a warrant eventually and we got arrested and she went to a rehab (actually the one I went to for 40 days) and I went to jail.
While in that rehab I know they told her what a piece of shit I am, her parents told her what a piece of shit I am, shit most likely even strangers told her what a piece of shit I am. She stopped sending letters, her family lied to my dad and said they sent her out of state and she straight pulled a Kaiser Sosa and disappeared. She finally came in to contact with me, of course by than I am using again and she basically tells me she only called to see if she can get high and I tried to say no but..... That was a little over a year ago. She said than that we needed to be apart, but we started using again and she needed me to keep her high so she strung me a long. She finally got busted for dirties and they instead of violating her they resenteced her, she had to do 4-5 months and than another rehab. She kept stringing me a long this whole time until a few weeks ago, something changed. She refuses to tell me what, but I now believe it don;t matter. She will make some very happy because she is special and I guess I need to learn to let go of the past. But I gave her a lot. I gave us a lot. I tried to protect her, but heroin made it very hard to do that.
It has been a few days since she told me there is no hope after giving me hope for reconciliation for over a year. I am at wits end about everything. I am methadone now, in a different state, I have a job and an apartment. Shit, I have a car. I make pretty good money (sells, but I work my ass off) but I would rather be back where I was before January 8, 2011. I rather be a junky and have her, with a shitty job, selling H and meth to keep are habit going, because even though I was putting a lot of junk in my veins, I was happy. I was with her, my one, my soul-mate. Now, now I have only me. I don't have any real friends anymore from being a junky so long, if you ever do junk long enough, you don't have friends, you have acquaintances and all your friends leave you. I know my pain will eventually go away, but I really think it will never be totally gone. We were together for so damn long, she wasn't just my spouse, she was my lover, my best friend. We did everything together. We were attached at the hip and I actually enjoyed it. She isn't like other girls who are needy and bitchy. She was, is what every guy looks for in a girl. Feminine, but also, a person that you could chill with and say anything to. She will eventually find someone who will treat her right. I tried and got locked up because of addiction beyond control.