10 years; 10 rehabs later; Suboxone; STUCK no end in Sight.. HELP

[lkjksjldsjfldskjf]

Dear Dark Side,

I had the perfect childhood anyone could have ever asked for; perfect family parents etc;.. everything was fine until the age of 18;

I had felt depressed; felt a hole lacking inside wanted to kill myself; so i thought well i wanted to die might as well try drugs..I felt shitty before i did drugs..

10 years later.. Im now 28; Ive been to 10 inpatient rehabs in 5-7 years.. each one atleast over 30 days.. Ive had periods of sobriety.. thats a shitload of rehabs

My addiction to opiates got so bad i was shooting up 15x a day;

Lately I've been on Suboxone stable; but i feel like I'm fucking just STUCK in life and all things;

I have absolutely no friends, thank god i have the most loving and supportive family; but I just feel like fucking ending it; I need to drastically change EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE; the way i brush my teeth; the way i make my bed; EVERYTHING

because i am so miserable it is getting worse and worse and worse... Yeah I'm not shooting 15 x day but I'm not sober either; Ive come a far way but still on sub i just don't feel real to myself

I don't know what to do honestly; I mean I'm the type of addict if i go back out i will die; i know it;

Deep down inside i hear myself calling that somethings not right.. this life on suboxone just isn't life;

Isolation is killing me; i cannot break the type of behavior i am in currently living;

Fuck i don't even know where to start; I've had therapists and stuff; Ive tried na, aa, everything; did the steps stay sober for 15 months than rationalized relapsing

I have EVERYTHING going for me in life; seriously; the whole gambit besides my addiction;

Seriously i need to to some longterm program or island for atleast 5 years where i have no choice to live completey sober i don't know..

Ibogaine maybe? fuck i don't know; whats the point

 

[Captain.Heroin]

To me it sounds like you're suffering from depression.

Have you considered seeking treatment for it?

 

[asdfdsafsd]

yeah

Ive tried treatment before; i really don't like antidepressants and psychiatric drugs.. but maybe I'm doomed and should just go back on lexapro and feel the void...

Also will they move my post to the dark side?

 

[xxsicknessxx]

the advise I can give is the advise I never took.

Be truthfull with your self and keep trying new things untill something works. Example try NA meetings, Try aa mettings, try working out, try telling friends, try meeting friends, try school, try work, try taking a vacation, try taking a walk

Serious. I made the mistake of lying to my self saying I tried everything and doing the same thing over and over and so nothing ever changed and I let drugs ruin my life... all of it untill things are so bad that I feel as if I can't undo it this time I can't fix things, I can't get it back this time

After chance after chance that I fucked up I finally feel out of chances... even though I tell my self you always can change things I feel stuck

SOOO if your not there yet if you got a chance, a option, some form of help, something you have not tried yet

TRY IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD untill it works and your clean... and thats the hardest thing to try is being clean not for a month or a year but as long as you have done drugs (lets say did drugs for 3 years and life sucks) then try sober for 3 years and see if things get better if they don't you can go back to drugs but give it a chance

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like you still need to go deeper psychologically. You say you have tried everything. What you have tried are programs and practices that have been designed by others and are all just tools. You can be locked in a cell with a lock pick on the floor beside you but you have to be the one to pick it up and figure out how it works in your hands. What is the hole inside you? What does it look like? Where is the source of your pain? These are hard questions but they do have answers. Life is always going to be trying to answer these questions--even sober. When you are in active addiction, you can't really go deep. You get scared and then you use. Try to face what is scaring you, what is hurting you long enough to get a good understanding of it; then you will know better how to fight it.

 

[sickofthisshiz]

It's so hard to say cause addiction is so individualized...we are all and become addicts for very different and personal reasons. I don't think maintenance drugs are wrong... if l would have kept relapsing l probably would have went that route. But your right, until your mind and body are completely free of all drugs, including maintenance, your brain won't start functioning the way it's supposed to. It was amazing to me aftrr being clean for a little over a week l started having thought processes that l hadn't had in years, this is when you can really start internalizing some of the shit you have been through and try and figure out why you have been doing it...get to know yourself sober, then stuff finally starts to make sense. Long, hard, personal process...but we owe it to ourselves! You can do it! Get off the subs they just delay the inevitable, you might crack up...but sometimes this is how we gain the most insight into ourselves.