homeydontplaythat
Bluelighter
mods move this where you may
since 2004 i have been addicted to heroin. i started on the east coast buying 25 dollar bundles which only had .25g in them. i ODed twice in 2 months in 2004. moved to PA, and would use about once every 1 or 2 months. my girl left me when i tried to kick subutex.
i moved to nyc and got a mild habit again simply because i was so poor. i got locked up in rikers island for a month on a charge. left ny and came back to my parents city. started slamming coke and got back on H after a few months on subutex. eventually i started stealing cash from my rents, grossing $7,000 in 3 months. i was shooting 1 gram of VERY high quality H from a Dominican delivery guy. that fag bought a nice car solely because of me.
i ended up homeless and moved to arizona to a halfway house for a year. i was in PAWS from suboxone the ENTIRE time. i simply was not back to baseline and so eventually i ran off with this chick with a boon job from the OC, cali to cop in phoenix. the dope there is actually the best ive had as far as tar. i ended up shooting a half g of tar, like 40 bucks of rock, and 40 bucks of shards in one night, and taking 20 bucks of molly. the next day i hopped a bus with the remaining money i had and left for LA. i was so fucking psychotic that i pulled a giant 22 gauge needle on a dude on the bus and almost stabbed him with it because i thought he was starting shit with me. i was so fucking paranoid and talking to myself. i thought everyone was a cop.
in LA i was homeless. however, i was so poor i couldnt get high. eventually i met this girl that referred me to this wacky punk rock christian place and crashed for 2 weeks. i met a recovering meth addict that referred me to a residential rehab in the macarthur park area of LA. i stayed there for about 4 months, graduated the program, and started back on suboxone. somehow i starting using heroin again though. they kicked me out just as i was looking for jobs.
being homeless in los angeles was the MOST traumatic experience i have ever endured. skid row is the worst of the worst and the only scene that is just as bad as a 3rd world country in the US, IME. i remember sleeping outside the homeless shelter on the concrete as the place was full. everything i owned was in a plastic shopping bag i used as a pillow as to prevent anyone jacking my stuff. there are SO many stories i could recount. basically i ended up being raped while on the street there and developed PTSD from it which manifested in anxiety so bad that it melded with paranoid episodes and panic attacks that required 911 and IV ativan.
after becoming addicted to heroin again i left LA for TX. there i was homeless and still using. eventually i got locked up again after breaking into my own friends house. i became suicidal after they confiscated my suboxone and was released being sick as shit with no resources. i got kicked out of the apartment i lived in because my friend ODed and i called the ambulance. back on the street. somehow, i managed to get a job while sleeping in a tent in the woods just outside of downtown. i would show up to work reeking of mildew from being rained on the night before. i got an ear infection from being exposed to freezing rain while sleeping outside in that tent.
eventually i moved into a series of apartments but my panic attacks and paranoia from what happened to me in LA were so bad that i couldnt feel safe living with people. i felt safer on the street. i met a couple at work that i knew from the street and started using again. within a month i caught a dwi case and got locked up again. i tried to kill myself 3 times in 48 hrs.
i came back to my parents house in the NE of the US though they told me i couldnt stay with them for more than a few days. they did not trust me. i eventually decided to go back to a monastery i trained at in NY. it was too intense this time around as it was in the zen tradition and for formal training. my anxiety was so so bad and the practice of zazen was just too much for me. i spoke to the abbot and he agreed that this was not where i belonged. i had what was then thought as a staph infection on my chest i got from cockroaches crawling on me in my sleep in austin. i collapsed while walking down the street in austin with a temp of 106 and was treated with iV antibiotics. i tried several antibiotics and had stabbing pains so bad they thought i was having a MI(heart attack).
turns out it was a fungal infection. eventually the sore opened up and started draining. i know have a giant indent on my chest that looks like a stab/bullet wound. it ate away at the cartilage on my chest. they didnt want me there in fear it was contagious.
by MERE chance, i found a monastery in another tradition. it has been my salvation in every sense of the word. since being here i have stopped using, been able to wake up and work every day, and dealt with my emotional baggage. in 6 months i was stable for the first time in my entire FUCKING LIFE. the timing was uncanny, as within 1 month of feeling like i could actually take care of myself i met my future wife. in the past i have fallen in love with 2 women but been so emotionally fucked up that i ended up losing them. drugs and mental instability are not anything a partner can endure forever. this time i didnt have that guilt and baggage. i am more thankful for this than anything.
so here i am, the assistant director of a monastery, i will be pursuing my CASAC lisence in 2 weeks, i have a GORGEOUS and AMAZING woman i intend to start a family with, and im fucking clean from heroin.
FINALLY+
i have been abstinent from intravenous heroin for 1 year. i NEED to brag. i am very proud and overly thankful. the hell i have been through....my god. i have so much love right now. it feels so good to be stable, responsible, and able to take care of myself and my girlfriend. not having to deal with shame and guilt, its simply amazing. i havent been this well in about 10 years. also, i have NEVER been this happy. i just wanted to share this.
i am starting a course which will end with me taking the state board exam and append the title of CASAC counselor to my name. i am so excited. my life is finally coming together. FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH.
post script- my success has nothing to do with 12 step programs. ive been to several rehabs, was clean for 3 yrs at one point, and VERY active in NA. i cant stomach the ideology anymore since i realized it is essentially neo-Christianity. i do concur with the belief that a spiritual change is needed though. i was able to experience that and maintain it through a religion of my choosing.
i feel it really important to say that im not very relgious. you DONT need 12 steps, or religion. you DO need faith though. you NEED spirituality and a great sense of things being ok if you keep striving. having the support of a community and the wonderful mein of a holy place has helped me more than any meeting or rehab. the BIGGEST THING THAT HAS HELPED ME is meditation. i started meditating everyday when i got here and it allowed me to calm myself and see what was going on with me. that hard work, just keeping busy, it just all came together. so while im not religious i am very in touch with myself and i do meditate regularly. it could be meditating, singing, working, whatever brings you closer to yourself and opens up your soul.
this is my personal experience as well. i am convinced though that a spiritual change does need to occur in order to recover from such a serious addiction as i have. something really needs to change inside you. i dont think forcing it works either. you do have to try though. whatever, im not trying to preach. im just so happy i found something that works for me. im 30 yrs old and i finally feel like i have a life. ITS AWESOME!!!!!
since 2004 i have been addicted to heroin. i started on the east coast buying 25 dollar bundles which only had .25g in them. i ODed twice in 2 months in 2004. moved to PA, and would use about once every 1 or 2 months. my girl left me when i tried to kick subutex.
i moved to nyc and got a mild habit again simply because i was so poor. i got locked up in rikers island for a month on a charge. left ny and came back to my parents city. started slamming coke and got back on H after a few months on subutex. eventually i started stealing cash from my rents, grossing $7,000 in 3 months. i was shooting 1 gram of VERY high quality H from a Dominican delivery guy. that fag bought a nice car solely because of me.
i ended up homeless and moved to arizona to a halfway house for a year. i was in PAWS from suboxone the ENTIRE time. i simply was not back to baseline and so eventually i ran off with this chick with a boon job from the OC, cali to cop in phoenix. the dope there is actually the best ive had as far as tar. i ended up shooting a half g of tar, like 40 bucks of rock, and 40 bucks of shards in one night, and taking 20 bucks of molly. the next day i hopped a bus with the remaining money i had and left for LA. i was so fucking psychotic that i pulled a giant 22 gauge needle on a dude on the bus and almost stabbed him with it because i thought he was starting shit with me. i was so fucking paranoid and talking to myself. i thought everyone was a cop.
in LA i was homeless. however, i was so poor i couldnt get high. eventually i met this girl that referred me to this wacky punk rock christian place and crashed for 2 weeks. i met a recovering meth addict that referred me to a residential rehab in the macarthur park area of LA. i stayed there for about 4 months, graduated the program, and started back on suboxone. somehow i starting using heroin again though. they kicked me out just as i was looking for jobs.
being homeless in los angeles was the MOST traumatic experience i have ever endured. skid row is the worst of the worst and the only scene that is just as bad as a 3rd world country in the US, IME. i remember sleeping outside the homeless shelter on the concrete as the place was full. everything i owned was in a plastic shopping bag i used as a pillow as to prevent anyone jacking my stuff. there are SO many stories i could recount. basically i ended up being raped while on the street there and developed PTSD from it which manifested in anxiety so bad that it melded with paranoid episodes and panic attacks that required 911 and IV ativan.
after becoming addicted to heroin again i left LA for TX. there i was homeless and still using. eventually i got locked up again after breaking into my own friends house. i became suicidal after they confiscated my suboxone and was released being sick as shit with no resources. i got kicked out of the apartment i lived in because my friend ODed and i called the ambulance. back on the street. somehow, i managed to get a job while sleeping in a tent in the woods just outside of downtown. i would show up to work reeking of mildew from being rained on the night before. i got an ear infection from being exposed to freezing rain while sleeping outside in that tent.
eventually i moved into a series of apartments but my panic attacks and paranoia from what happened to me in LA were so bad that i couldnt feel safe living with people. i felt safer on the street. i met a couple at work that i knew from the street and started using again. within a month i caught a dwi case and got locked up again. i tried to kill myself 3 times in 48 hrs.
i came back to my parents house in the NE of the US though they told me i couldnt stay with them for more than a few days. they did not trust me. i eventually decided to go back to a monastery i trained at in NY. it was too intense this time around as it was in the zen tradition and for formal training. my anxiety was so so bad and the practice of zazen was just too much for me. i spoke to the abbot and he agreed that this was not where i belonged. i had what was then thought as a staph infection on my chest i got from cockroaches crawling on me in my sleep in austin. i collapsed while walking down the street in austin with a temp of 106 and was treated with iV antibiotics. i tried several antibiotics and had stabbing pains so bad they thought i was having a MI(heart attack).
turns out it was a fungal infection. eventually the sore opened up and started draining. i know have a giant indent on my chest that looks like a stab/bullet wound. it ate away at the cartilage on my chest. they didnt want me there in fear it was contagious.
by MERE chance, i found a monastery in another tradition. it has been my salvation in every sense of the word. since being here i have stopped using, been able to wake up and work every day, and dealt with my emotional baggage. in 6 months i was stable for the first time in my entire FUCKING LIFE. the timing was uncanny, as within 1 month of feeling like i could actually take care of myself i met my future wife. in the past i have fallen in love with 2 women but been so emotionally fucked up that i ended up losing them. drugs and mental instability are not anything a partner can endure forever. this time i didnt have that guilt and baggage. i am more thankful for this than anything.
so here i am, the assistant director of a monastery, i will be pursuing my CASAC lisence in 2 weeks, i have a GORGEOUS and AMAZING woman i intend to start a family with, and im fucking clean from heroin.
FINALLY+
i have been abstinent from intravenous heroin for 1 year. i NEED to brag. i am very proud and overly thankful. the hell i have been through....my god. i have so much love right now. it feels so good to be stable, responsible, and able to take care of myself and my girlfriend. not having to deal with shame and guilt, its simply amazing. i havent been this well in about 10 years. also, i have NEVER been this happy. i just wanted to share this.
i am starting a course which will end with me taking the state board exam and append the title of CASAC counselor to my name. i am so excited. my life is finally coming together. FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH.
post script- my success has nothing to do with 12 step programs. ive been to several rehabs, was clean for 3 yrs at one point, and VERY active in NA. i cant stomach the ideology anymore since i realized it is essentially neo-Christianity. i do concur with the belief that a spiritual change is needed though. i was able to experience that and maintain it through a religion of my choosing.
i feel it really important to say that im not very relgious. you DONT need 12 steps, or religion. you DO need faith though. you NEED spirituality and a great sense of things being ok if you keep striving. having the support of a community and the wonderful mein of a holy place has helped me more than any meeting or rehab. the BIGGEST THING THAT HAS HELPED ME is meditation. i started meditating everyday when i got here and it allowed me to calm myself and see what was going on with me. that hard work, just keeping busy, it just all came together. so while im not religious i am very in touch with myself and i do meditate regularly. it could be meditating, singing, working, whatever brings you closer to yourself and opens up your soul.
this is my personal experience as well. i am convinced though that a spiritual change does need to occur in order to recover from such a serious addiction as i have. something really needs to change inside you. i dont think forcing it works either. you do have to try though. whatever, im not trying to preach. im just so happy i found something that works for me. im 30 yrs old and i finally feel like i have a life. ITS AWESOME!!!!!
