Old thread but I'll engage for once here for the sake of responding. I do get asked this a lot. Some people question why I would be into guys after transitioning to be male.
For the same reason the label of lesbian never felt comfortable when I was younger even though I presented and behaved like one. I wasn't really into women. I don't mind them, hugely since I'm biromantic and when I do have sex I am interested in women as well, but I was always into men.
So it stands to reason I would remain interested in men. Transitioning isn't about becoming straight. We just like who we like. I know straight trans men, gay trans men, and bisexual trans men. Just like trans women, and cis men and women. We're not different in that regard.
With regard to the overall question, using the royal you, there is sexual preference, and there is a genital preference. And look, both are fine.
But equating the two leads to issues. If people are gay and have a genital preference, they're really not for me. If they're open to exploring that, then sure, as long as they know (which I have experienced) that if they want to stop for whatever reason that's fine. Sure, it socks for a moment being reminded that your body just isn't quite right, but their comfort is more important at the time and frankly I remind myself of the first thing constantly anyway, it isn't like the person maliciously did this to hurt my feelings. If they did, id question if they were mentally OK since leading someone on like that even when they know they find an element of who i an a dealbreaker is sort of cooked, as an understatement lol. We still have to be compatible personality wise for me to engage with them though.
If they are gay and have no genital preference, then if we are compatible that is fine too.
So no, having a sexual preference isn't transphobic.
Having a genital preference, also isn't transphobia, despite some trans people who erroneously claim it to be so.
What *is* transphobic is saying that one is interested in (gender) but not transgender members of that group because they aren't 'real men' by some standard.
It isn't transphobic to say 'I am not sexually interested in pre phallo trans men because I have a preference for men with penis.' If you want to go further and specify it needs to be a biological penis, then you exclude trans men but also any cis man who has also had a phalloplasty since they aren't exclusive to transgender men. It may also imply that you would have sex with a trans woman, should she be pre transition even if she identifies as female, which if I'm honest I find the concept of that sort of uncomfortable were someone to do that to me (find out they pretended to be a gay man, but we're actually straight and viewed me as female for their own benefit).
It's not even transphobia to say one isn't sexually attracted to trans men, unless you found them attractive and then decided upon finding out they were trans decided you didn't. Then it's them being trans you dislike and that's clearly transphobia. Still, you're not obliged to date or fuck them despite that and they usually won't want you to. Or I wouldn't, at least. I think mutually we'd agree not to. As long as you're willing to reflect on the reasons you don't find this group of people attractive/want to sleep with them and accept them, there isn't really a problem with that. I'm not going to change someone's mind who says they are only attracted to biological men. I don't think a person can make that statement with any certainty if they are gay, lots of trans men pass as cis (myself included) and people who say they don't find trans men attractive have found me attractive. Then when they found out I'm trans have gone 'ew I just read you're a (slur)' so yeah that particular position ime tends to be transphobic in nature but as long as your response isn't like that, I don't think a sane trans person would fault you. If someone told me politely 'I am sorry but I really only find cis men attractive' I would assume either they don't realise they can just tell me they like dick on men, or they have an aversion to it. Either way, not compatible. Just don't be rude about it honestly.
I mean as someone interested in men and women, sometimes I only want one or the other, or one set of genitals or the other so I actually do understand the preference thing.
People just need to be clear. It's not hard. If a trans person approaches you and it seems like things may go in that direction or they do, just respond saying 'I'm sorry, I am gay/straight (whichever is the correct sexuality for the situation) but I actually have a genital preference as well.
Generally, we will thank you for not wasting our time and for being so upfront and not shitty about it, and may just ask if you want to be friends. I've made friends like that.
Trans people do not generally desire to have sex with people who 1) do not view us as who we are and 2) do not find out bodies attractive, much like cis people.
I hope this clears up some confusion.
Eh, what some may call taking to an extreme was a lot of the time me just existing on here. And the reason most of them don't come on here to debate was largely due to how I was treated and a lot of the stuff that happened. Now that it's changed there are more people coming on here. I think they just know better than to debate because it often ends the same way. I'm not going to really debate what I've said though since it's not really controversial at all, it's not one of those really subtle may it is maybe it isn't things. There's nothing transphobic about preferring certain genitals, nor having a sexual preference. The transphobia is when a person uses a sexual preference to exclude trans people from the group they identify with instead of just being a bit more accurate with the wording they use.
And may I reiterate after all this, even if it is transphobic to say or do something wrt this specific topic. If someone doesn't want to have sex with someone they can't be forced to have sex with someone. That's not morally or ethically right and I don't understand people who think that forcing people into doing something they aren't comfortable with for the sake of this issue is acceptable. Would it be good for some people to reflect on why they have those views when it's about the person being trans rather than genitals? Sure. I know
@mal3volent has shifted his position on this while I've known him without us even really discussing it. It's actually one if the first things me and him ever talked about. But he still wasn't transphobic before when he said it would be a deal breaker.
I find the concept of getting caught up on this issue when it could be the difference between finding my life partner or being stuck dating people I hate or don't mesh with or being alone forever to be somewhat absurd, personally. To me I tend to worry more about if I can find their personality fun to be around, they share mu values, and that they bring positive things to my life. Of course I need to find them attractive at a base level, but I would be a hipocrit to not date someone for being trans. I suppose i am, given I haven't yet hooked up with another trans man but I think I.would be chill with that post bottom surgery for either them or me.
and as far as I know, no one 'fits-in' , nor should they - you just find what works, what makes you whole ( which is a process; dynamic and involving a time-line), even if that isn't in a stereotypical concensus. Essentially, it's personal; when you are comfortable with who you are; it's not for trade; not for display or, show - it's yours.
