I could never hold a job no matter how much energy I had on heroin. There would always come a day when I would be sick a rattling, shaking and burning muscles unable to focus at all. Wasted days like that. I am fearful of re-entering the work force without heroin or cocaine or both as a crutch. It terrifies me; I'm scared. It doesn't work long term at all, but it makes it bearable for a short while. I guess I have a lot to work out and I do. The aftermath is extreme.
Just need to remember that as little as 4 days ago I was doing really well. Wanted a little coke for a party this weekend if anything, opiates were not on my mind until I realized I could hustle my prescription back.
Side effects total destruction of sex drive and performance, constipation that can be so severe it feels like I imagine getting raped would feel like, and the withdrawals and cognitive side effects are much much worse and impossible to describe until you experience them.
I have several physical and mental health problems for my age, unemployed with 2 university degrees, and I sit in a basement when I'm using. When I'm not using, I try to deal with my back pain in healthier ways (turmeric supplementation and cooking with it really helps). I feel like I recovered really fast because I am one of the rare functional junkies. I held career jobs for years on dope before everything fell apart. I need to realize that it just is not worth it anymore because every penny of the money I earn and more will go to heroin. It's not that though. It literally steals the soul, the spirit, the vitality and joy of life out of a person. I was also only a sniffer. I shot myself up 5 times this year with very good stuff, chipped off a brick, and that was when I began the quitting process. This was many months ago and I disposed of the rest of my needles - my favourite colour has always been red and I dye my hair that way, you see... the needle was a whole new thing.
When you sniff it, the drug slowly comes on over 15 minutes. One gets a rush of energy and euphoria (if you have brain chemistry similar to mine, I actually become much more productive and that was the most seducing part of all... my thoughts are normally scrambled, I find it hard to pay attention to my surroundings and it's like H sorted everything out and I knew just what to say and do). Later on, comes the feeling of physical relaxation and sedation and this is when I would always drink cup after cup of sencha or white tea to try and keep myself from nodding off (I hated the nod, I used / use opiates for energy and pain relief and well they cure everything wrong with me except for the severe, extreme panic disorder which unfortunately I need a few benzos for... not ready to tackle that yet).
I had early life trauma, and a lot of traumatic experiences with my parents as a teen, culminating in getting kicked out on a frigid winter coat by my own mom unable to have time to grab a jacket and hat as I smelled of cannabis. That is her choice, I can't blame anyone but myself but I was a straight A university student at the time, had developed a cannabis habit while away from home, and ever since there has been so much instability. I've been moving around from place to place at a rapid pace, I just don't feel like I have a home and I'm the type of person (Taurus) where I need that personal space. Panic attacks, depression that is at times suicidal, failed relationships and with one female I loved so much I was planning to marry her and I was clean the vast majority of the time... this i cannot forgive myself for, I know people have it worse with prositution and stuff but a heartbreak that intense is NOT easy to get over... I feel like I want to be single the rest of my life because I can't imagine falling for someone like that ever again. We just clicked, and I've never had that in a decade of trying. I would still be with her if it wasn't for drugs, but we will never talk to each other again. That really breaks my heart and it was the starting point to my three weeks of solid, dedicated, cold turkey clean time.
I took the 15mg ir oxycodone. I don't think it's a bad thing for me at this moment because I have tried tapering with oxycodone for 3 months last year with very little disruptions to my schedule. I think if I can soften the blow by getting some mild relief, and using that time wisely with a direct focus on my health is not a bad thing so long as I stick to 8pm dosing once daily and lower my dose every couple of days by 2.5m oxy. It's the very pure afghan heroin, or the no longer existent real china white that really fucks me long term. If you get a connect for the good stuff it will destroy you, and if you don't, you'll probably die from a shitty fent high at some point. Of course none of it can be trusted at all.
By the way, if you are a chronic pain patient like me (I have excruciating pain in the thoracic region, that really affects my life in a negative way) - regular pain meds won't work after this stuff. The reason is tolerance. When I quit and made it three weeks, it was after a horrific heroin binge (do you notice I never see this positively now, I have seen what it's like to be clean, I never thought it was possible, and I am down for the lifelong struggle). However, the amount of heroin I was sniffing would drop me dead right now. I know I'd do the same amount, because it is an ingrained habit. And that's what I really have cravings for. I prefer sniffing heroin to injecting it for many reasons, and it doesn't matter what way this drug gets into your body apart from potential iv complications. I'm just saying, sniffing and smoking are extremely addictive too considering I've shot up enough to know what it's like, and I strongly prefer sniffing it.
Yeah though, I'm at the point where even a 5mg percocet will negatively affect me. It's because my brain never forgets the addictions, it is primed to relapse and was primed to get hooked from the start (I skipped pain pills and went straight to heroin, and I knew I wanted to use it all the time before I started using it... I knew this deep down, as I have unbearable chronic pain and that was the reason). However, it is crazy how much tolerance plays a role. Those 3 percocets gave more of an effect than a point of very high quality smaack (it's not a good thing if you find a connect for the real deal, it accelerates the self abuse) and 4 days of oxycodone left my brains fried and scrambled and my body hurting all day. It has been nothing like the cold turkey heroin detox, but this never would have happened before. When I started using 18 months flew by, it was wonderful at the time to be numb yet still retain my intellect and creativity, with ungoldy amounts of chemically induced energy. I was helping me out of a bad place so well at the time, that it wasn't until that much long later that I realized I was a drug addict. I knew before of course, but I could aways shake off those dilaudid binges.
Last year I took 8mg dilaudid orally while detoxing, and nodding out in heavenly bliss for 6 hours. This was 2 weeks clean, and the following 10 days I felt no physical withdrawals but I felt the same loss of spirit and joy for life. I was hell because normally I find the physical symptoms distracting and almost necessary to combat the suicidal tendencies. It's insane how weak I am physically nd how dead I am inside.
I will make it out of this mess, though. I told myself I would never use again when the opiates caused me to lose her. She was really special to me, and I to her, and it makes me cr sometimes. Ever since then, well I binged on heroni for a while moving on from my oxy script and then I was clean for 3 weeks. It is only a 4 day slip-up, those three weeks really strengthen me and I can't see myself ever going back. One of my points was the pain pills were at one point much less worse and less dangerous for me than heroin. That really isn't the case anymore. It has everything to do with tolerance. The percs completely fucked me this time it wasn't even dope. There comes a time when it doesn't matter what opiate or opioid it is, any of them will ruin your life if not leave you dead. The withdrawal can't kill you but it is my opinion that a lot of OD's are suicides and it happens a lot when people are trying to get clean and can't handle it.
I want to bounce back and be a success. Even if it ruined my potential, an average job and a cute girl would make me happy with all my hobbies and interests. I can get there, it's really just taking a while and I am really getting impatient. At least I have gotten a little relief at the one hour mark, I should be abe to sleep before the oxy wears off and then I will withdrawal more harshly in the morning hours and have anothe garabage day. Reallly getting tough to find the will to carry on.
