Meth I did meth for the first time/ 3 diff ROA’s- I don’t need judgement I just need support

[Daniii]

I have to get this out for my own mental health.

I am coming down from using “Tina” for the first time, I went on a second date with a guy that you’d never think does Meth 2 nights ago. He was clean, nice teeth, and fucking SMART. Said all the right things- nowhere near a “tweaker.” He’s also fucking gorgeous. I mean, he was my second hinge match after me coming out my 15 yr relationship with my ex.

The second night we hung out he offered me to smoke some “Tina” and being in the insanely depressed state of life right now (I won’t get into details but know I’m at a low, scary point in my life) and just wanting to feel SOMETHING, I said fuck it and out my lips around the pipe and hit it. We did this a couple time driving to the motel. (Yeah I know. We both have clean sexual recent records so don’t judge my asss) I felt nice but not like insane from the couple hits we smoked. At the hotel he offered me “hot rails” which I can barely remember… I think I did like 2 of those?

As He was walking to the table when one of his rig caps came off and fell on the bed. I noticed it right away and he admitted freely to using intravenously recently for about 7 months . (I have been a former IV heroin but sober since 2009) At this point I’m so fucking lit from the the meth, the high on crushing on him and the fucking seexxx…HOLY. I keep Telling myself “I need a night like this. I deserve it” and before I knew it I asked if I could have a shot. Without hesitation and my consent he said he was dying for one- perfect timing and loaded a .5 shot. And of course, I flew into a world of swirling heat and pure, hot, bliss. My pupils dilate so fast the room actually becomes lighter. I have to stand up to catch my breath, not afraid, but delighted. By this time I’ve now taken meth for the first time in my life, in 3 separate methods: smoking it, hotrailing it and lastly- IV shots in the span of 10 hours.

Next thing I knew is that it’s 4am and he’s like chilling’ on this shit. Laying on the bed flaccid of course and I’m talking like a spaz. My insides legit vibrating. And we smoke some more and touch each other some more as we had all night until 930-ish am. As we’re about to leave the motel I ask for one more shot and happily obliges. This time I ask for “a little more than the last) he makes a somewhat surprised face, asks in I’m sure and I hand him my arm. He sloooowly pushes .65 in to me and again, I’m booted back into the hot, blissful universe I was not only hour ago.

He drives me home. I talk the entire way, way too damn much… I couldn’t stop. I’m so cringed out by how many fucking topics I brought up yapping away a mile a minute but not as cringed out and disgusted I am with myself now. I asked him how much he thinks I did this past Saturday (bc idk wtf meth even looked like until now)- two nights ago and he said probably about 2gs…over 9-10 hours, which I’m assuming is a pretty heroic first time dose? I took seroquil and 2 Xanax after he brought me home around 10:30pm after not doing any more since 930 am. The euphoria was gone and I’m left riddled with guilt, tired eyes but a an intense feeling of anxiety like no other. I feel hollow but still high…it’s hard to explain. I smoke weed and it makes me feel worse. More strung out.

I was like in an afterglow high all of yesterday and had to work 9 hours. My body is aching like the flu. I go from normal to sweating super fast and I’m trying to put down a yogurt and keep drinking water. I’m still not sure how I pulled that off. Any time I moved quickly my face would get hot and I get lightheaded.

I came home repeated the seroquil and Xanax and I got about about 6 hours of sleep last night. Today all I feel is anxiety, I have to keep telling myself to breathe, drink water, and eat what I can. It’s like I can’t even nap yet without a benzo. I’m riddled with guilt. My mind keeps replaying scenes of that night and part of me wants more while the other is like “WTF ARE YOU DOINGGG?!” How much longer do you think I’ll feel like this? I’ve definitely almost completely come down and now I’m left with a sore body, a racing mind, a want to sleep but can’t..

I fucking hate myself. For all the people who say I’m stupid for doing this- I KNOW. I have been self-destructive my entire life. There’s nothing shitty you can say to me that I haven’t said myself.

The WORST PART? I feel like bc of the chemsex, it was so fucking absolutely delicious and like even I’d crazy intimate. Tight hugs in between type shit- not just fucking to fuck -I mean how could I NOT feel somewhat connected to him as my serotonin receptors were being flooded to the max while we were together that nighttime.

That’s it
I’m cooked aren’t I? There’s no damn way this man feels the same way. My gut tells me he really likes me, but he likes meth more. He’s also Pansexual. And veryyyy openly sexual.

If I’m not strong enough to never touch this shit again, I’m so afraid of what’s going to happen with my life. I don’t understand why I cant function without drugs in my life. This is my own doing and I’m certainly paying for it. Any tips or advice is insanely welcome

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Hydration, rest, food, sleep, then repeat and add light exercise

From my experiences with stims, and from what you've written - I'd say you are quite correct to be terrified of what could easily happen to your life should you indulge again

The ball is in your court friend

EDIT - stop beating yourself up though, right now. It won't help anything at all.

 

[ByThePowerOfGrayskull]

Hey friend, I'm going to admit I skimmed the first two paragraphs and nothing else, basically. Plus I just vaped some bud, so I might need to edit this later.

Anyways, the usual advice is drink water, eat food/good meals (I can consistently scarf down some white rice + tuna + mayo/Kewpie + cayenne after vaping some meth), go to sleep at a normal time, and excercise (admittedly I usually skip that..).

I've run out just half an hour ago, vaping (too much) meth for a good few weeks. Wish me luck, I already knew what I'd deal with for the last time and I've got no trouble with never getting more.. hopefully.

I can't say I agree you're stupid. People get scammed, conned, etc. all the time. I wouldn't call those people stupid, as I (tech support for everyone around me, sorta similar to how people use AI to figure out everything for them lol) have been even dumber numerous times.

Trust me when I say this: You will regret getting even just 500mg so much more than never taking meth again. ESPECIALLY since you smoked(vaporize) it for your first time (If I read correctly?), and even did IV. I wish you luck, it may suck a lot for a bit, but it's not the worst and you can make it, I've CT multiple times from 50-200mg doses daily (oral, nasal spray, vaporized starting tonight), so you at least won't be alone.

Oh yeah, and avoid that guy. Read books if you have some, too!

Edit: I'll mention that the comedown is horrible for most people but it's more comforting to me, weirdly. But as I'm audhd, my body is constantly extremely tense, so the "low-energy/depressed" comedown actually feels really nice for me, almost like I'm high. Even better when I am lol

 

[KattyKorner]

Don't judge yourself for using a drug, imo, but for what you do on the drug, and what you don't do in order to do the drug.

Say you go to work, pay your bills, have friends, have hobbies, and take care of your health, especially sleep, and hygiene. Include working toward dreams you always wanted to accomplish.

If you can do all of that, and use a drug at a whatever usage you like, then what is the harm?

The issue is "are you actually doing that, or are you lying to yourself?"

Are you going to work, but doing shitty work that might eventually get you fired? Are your bills paid but every other cent is going to drugs? Are you seeing friends less and less? Are your hobbies becoming centered around drugs, or becoming less important? Are you not sleeping, eating, and taking care of your teeth? Are you letting life and your dreams slip by?

What you do onnthe drugs and not do in order to do is much more important imo.

Don't be hard on yourself, you did a drug, that's just a fact. That fact doesnt deserve self criticism.

 

[chippermonk]

No real point in dwelling on the past, we all fuck up now and again, that's just human. Just forgive yourself. It's just one short binge. Hell, you kicked heroin and stayed off of it all these years, that's impressive! Just take of yourself physically right now as others have suggested, you'll get over the hangover.
Drugs and sex and the desire for love is a powerful mix. I'd trust your intuition and lay off the meth. Very distructive stuff and this guy is obviously pretty far down that road. You can do better.
Good luck!

 

[drewbocop]

That seems like beyond heroic doses for someone with no meth tolerance, let alone no stimulant tolerance, yeah... like, scary high. Must have been cut heavily. I cannot even imagine a first timer doing .5 and a .65 SHOTS, plus all the other... What the hell. 2 grams in 10 hours is nuts. I've smoked meth twice in my life, both times were a single point, and I felt like I was shot out of a cannon. I could practically hear my pupils dilate. Granted, that was glass from bikers in Arkansas.
Most of what you are describing sounds like crash and the resulting anxiety... and then just regular anxiety and rumination. It shall pass. I would say if that guy falls by the wayside, that may be a good thing for you.