Depression I miss the warmth of opiates

[Yunai]

I had written a long post but then my thing died but it’s whatever. It was not good anyway and I got way too off topic. So let me try another time. Since my good old www.sanctioned-suicide forum got completely nuked I’ll just move my thing over here because addiction is a big part of my story. I want to give you a quick background bout me. I’m 25 male. From late 2017 to 2023 I was severely depressed. With that I mean major major depression, thinking bout suicide everyday. There were reasons but all of them are dust now so they are whatever, none of it matters anymore. What’s not whatever is what happened 2023-2024. I met the most beautiful perfect girl I have ever seen in my life. We had so much in common, we were like magnets and stuck together. She did like me too in the beginning but I was too shy and awkward. I rarely ever fall in love, it was passed down from my parents. I fall in love once a decade and stick to the person for years after years, probably for a lifetime (my family members are like that), no matter what I do, that’s just the way my brain works. I don’t even want sex. It disgusts me. Only with deep feelings I’d feel comfortable to do that and even kiss the person. You could put prime Megan Fox in the room with me naked and I wouldn’t even get hard. All I want is to hug someone real tight that means the world to me. Anyway, since I took too long she found someone else. I didn’t know at first but when she told me March 2024 I fell into the darkest hole I’ve ever been in. I never did drugs before but at that point I was dead set on “okay either I end it all right now or try medicate the pain my own way”. Doctors only gave me SSRIs SNRIs. All that shitty trash meds. They never gave me any benefits but huge side effects: completely killing my sexuality, brain fog, headaches, being asleep the entire day it was awful, since I had that experience already I was like fck this and went to my bad influence friend’s trap house. Everyone else was sick and tired of me only having misfortune in life and hung up on me on the phone but this bro got me. Gave me opiates and thank the Lord for Papaver Somniferum. The warmth, the bliss, the feeling of everything’s okay. It was amazing. It saved my life. Even in hindsight. Rather became a junkie than having ended it all.
Now, 2 months after heavy opiate abuse (Morphine was my drug of choice, sometimes Dihydrocodein but always from the pharmacy, I never took anything from the streets and I never did IV use). 2 years later now I am in substitution. I am a hyper responder to opiates btw. I never ever had any side effects, they don’t slow my thinking down, never had nausea, never had constipation even when I took insane amounts every single day.
Unfortunately though, I can’t get the warmth anymore. The tolerance is too bad. My plan now is to get off substitution and have a 6 month break. I miss the warmth, I never felt love, I never felt the love of another human being, my body severely lacks endorphins and opiates bind to those same receptors hence why they work so well with sadness, grief, loss of a loved one, etc. I regret having tried out a few other drugs but I never regret opiates and Xanax also. Anxiety right now as I’m getting older is as bad as it’s ever been. Thankfully I sneakily got 2 doctors to gave me a huge stash. Junkies are sneaky and lie, that’s the way it is. I am a junkie. It’s what it is. I never did any of it for fun or to try it out. I was desperate, very desperate, very close to suicide and tried anything to help numb the unbearable pain. Listen, I had broken bones before, horrible physical pain but the mental anguish of losing the person you loved the most is a quadrillion times worse. Weed also helped me a bit for a while but tolerance built up and compared to Xans and Opiates for which 2 weeks abstinence resets the tolerance (almost) fully, Weed takes 6-12 months at least for me, so I quit Weed completely too.

So what’s my plan now. I’m glad I have a huge stash of xanbars ready, I’ll try to not burn through it too quickly. Then, I try to taper off my substitution (for opiates) completely this year. If I don’t succeed, well I still have about 2 years to join the Club 27. I already gave up any hopes, any hope of forgiveness, of ever saying how sorry I am for hurting her (what hurts me the most is that my actions hurt her so much and she cried so much because of me), I never could apologize but I came to terms with the facts I’ll never be able to say how sorry I TRULY am. Maybe if I do end it I’ll send her a letter. Who knows. For now: get by with my Xanax stash, and taper off my substitution FULLY.
Opiates in the beginning felt like almost as if she was still next to me, almost, even all drugs combined can never come close to the real feeling but it was similar, i miss the warmth, i miss it so soooo much, I had a very very hard life. When I was sitting next to her it felt like I was in heaven, when I heard her voice, it was like angels singing, her scent was so so so mesmerizing… There’s so much more to say but I leave it at that. For now. feel free to ask any questions please.

 

[Opana313]

Sounds like you really do care for this girl,even sounds like she may be the one to hold you down too bro!

Give it a try! I know you say its tough and may never say what you really mean but I think this might be a good plan, especially if that girl means everything to you..you run into people for a reason!

Hell if you can go 2 weeks, I would like to congratulate you for being able to do so..alot of ppl simply can't go without when anxious or in WD, unless all money and resources are already tapped.. addiction is a motherfucker and I hope you will cross yourself out of the 27 club..idk what you have been through but I feel that you're being about it and this is a good thing.

Anyway I miss the warmth too but all in all it is worth it to me but things have changed in the past decade..when I was in my 20s, I had no plan for slowing down but like I said things do change and usually its for the better in the long run!

Peace bro i really hope you try and stick it out with her, just let her in on your whole struggle man!!

 

[Yunai]

I could write paragraphs about her but to keep it very simple. She meant the world to me if someone came round the corner blasting I’d use my own body to shield her. I would sacrifice my life for her well-being that’s how much she meant to me. And I meant a lot to her too but it’s complicated and many things I pinky promised her I will never tell no one. We had a deep emotional connection, and I miss her so much. I know now she was affected by this much more than I thought. So you are saying I should try and maybe have a conversation now all these years later?

I studied 4 months 12 h a day every day to get into one of the worlds most elite medical universities. You have to be top 5% from 15000 participants. But I passed. Then there is small groups of ten people ,

Sounds like you really do care for this girl,even sounds like she may be the one to hold you down too bro!

Give it a try! I know you say its tough and may never say what you really mean but I think this might be a good plan, especially if that girl means everything to you..you run into people for a reason!

Hell if you can go 2 weeks, I would like to congratulate you for being able to do so..alot of ppl simply can't go without when anxious or in WD, unless all money and resources are already tapped.. addiction is a motherfucker and I hope you will cross yourself out of the 27 club..idk what you have been through but I feel that you're being about it and this is a good thing.

Anyway I miss the warmth too but all in all it is worth it to me but things have changed in the past decade..when I was in my 20s, I had no plan for slowing down but like I said things do change and usually its for the better in the long run!

Peace bro i really hope you try and stick it out with her, just let her in on your whole struggle man!!

me and her got in the same group 1/80 chance for that to happen. Second semester. Both of us same group again. So 1/80 chance TWICE. Yes, we run into people for a reason. I believe there is more to it. I truly do.

Thanks for the kind words and thanks for seeing I am being a 100% honest here. I have nothing to lie about. Again thank you

 

[Yunai]

Also odd question and I understand if it gets removed but please don’t remove the other posts above. I’m not asking for a vendor but do u guys with more knowledge think I could, once I am off substitution, get good cut (not laced ) H from the dark web? I always got my weed from the dark web never had any issue. I want to at least try H one, the strongest euphoria (in terms of Opiates) , it’s on my bucket list and if K… my beautiful girl, still sees me as monstrous, worse than if I was exposed in a pred sting operation, yea we argued a lot, she sees me as monstrous, at least back then, if all goes very very bad which in my 25years of life I have more misfortune than any other person who ever lived, I will want to try H. If not, I’ll just stick to Morphine, Morphine was so so so good anyway, maybe add some Oxy and Hydromorphone in it but H truly gives the biggest euphoria, warmth and bliss, has to do with it being metabolized into 6MAM first before being turned into Morphine.
I will rest that plans aside for now, we will see in half a year but I hope I can find a good darkweb vendor. Sorry for the ramblings. Depression eating me up big time right now.

 

[crazyotter87]

Also odd question and I understand if it gets removed but please don’t remove the other posts above. I’m not asking for a vendor but do u guys with more knowledge think I could, once I am off substitution, get good cut (not laced ) H from the dark web? I always got my weed from the dark web never had any issue. I want to at least try H one, the strongest euphoria (in terms of Opiates) , it’s on my bucket list and if K… my beautiful girl, still sees me as monstrous, worse than if I was exposed in a pred sting operation, yea we argued a lot, she sees me as monstrous, at least back then, if all goes very very bad which in my 25years of life I have more misfortune than any other person who ever lived, I will want to try H. If not, I’ll just stick to Morphine, Morphine was so so so good anyway, maybe add some Oxy and Hydromorphone in it but H truly gives the biggest euphoria, warmth and bliss, has to do with it being metabolized into 6MAM first before being turned into Morphine.
I will rest that plans aside for now, we will see in half a year but I hope I can find a good darkweb vendor. Sorry for the ramblings. Depression eating me up big time right now.

Firstly, things will get better, man. They always do. You and I are both 25, and our lives are only just getting started.

Real smack does exist. I'm from the States, and it is out there. I bought some tar a while back. Obviously, sourcing isn't allowed here, but if you do decide to order brown, be smart about it. Take the time to thoroughly vet the vendor. In my experience, it's usually pretty easy to spot the ones who aren't acting in good faith. Go through their other listings and really read the reviews instead of just skimming them. If you end up getting anything, use test strips, call Never Use Alone, and consider sending a sample out for additional testing.

That said, I honestly don't think you're missing out on much. If you've tried one opioid, especially morphine, you've got a pretty good idea of what the experience is like. I tried heroin with no tolerance for a couple of days before I ended up throwing the rest away. Personally, I find opioid euphoria to be one of the least interesting drug experiences, but everyone reacts differently. The one thing I will say is that heroin felt noticeably dreamier than the other opioids I've tried, probably because of the other alkaloids present. Morphine being named after Morpheus, the Greek god of dreams, feels pretty fitting.

If you can avoid going down that road, I'd recommend it. Stay safe with the benzos, and use your best judgment. We only get one shot at this so-called life we've been given, and I think it's far too beautiful to risk throwing it away. If you're struggling, please reach out.

 

[Yunai]

Firstly, things will get better, man. They always do. You and I are both 25, and our lives are only just getting started.

Real smack does exist. I'm from the States, and it is out there. I bought some tar a while back. Obviously, sourcing isn't allowed here, but if you do decide to order brown, be smart about it. Take the time to thoroughly vet the vendor. In my experience, it's usually pretty easy to spot the ones who aren't acting in good faith. Go through their other listings and really read the reviews instead of just skimming them. If you end up getting anything, use test strips, call Never Use Alone, and consider sending a sample out for additional testing.

That said, I honestly don't think you're missing out on much. If you've tried one opioid, especially morphine, you've got a pretty good idea of what the experience is like. I tried heroin with no tolerance for a couple of days before I ended up throwing the rest away. Personally, I find opioid euphoria to be one of the least interesting drug experiences, but everyone reacts differently. The one thing I will say is that heroin felt noticeably dreamier than the other opioids I've tried, probably because of the other alkaloids present. Morphine being named after Morpheus, the Greek god of dreams, feels pretty fitting.

If you can avoid going down that road, I'd recommend it. Stay safe with the benzos, and use your best judgment. We only get one shot at this so-called life we've been given, and I think it's far too beautiful to risk throwing it away. If you're struggling, please reach out.

Thanks man. I’m not dead set on trying H. It’s just a thought. Of course I’d always use test strips etc etc. which I never had to because I only got pure drugs from the pharmacy. But if I get my hands on it one day I’ll make sure there is no fent in it. Yes, we all react differently. Uppers for me never gave me any positive effects only horrible horrible side effects. Especially MDMA which I was spiked with once and I ended up having a seizure and ended up in the hospital. That was the worst drug ever for me. We all react differently because of many reasons. I never had a serotonin problem, never a dopamine problem but because I am the most ugly monstrous disgusting looking person on Earth I never felt the endorphins, the warmth of hugging a girl I love ever. And I already gave up on that a long time ago now. Bc opioids bind to the same receptors that’s why I reacted so well to them. Well, I only want to feel the warmth one more time but I probably never will. I am struggling a lot right now, my mental health spiraling. I am doing very very very bad. Getting by day by day feels unbearable. I lost everyone I loved so much.

 

[samcmf]

I had written a long post but then my thing died but it’s whatever. It was not good anyway and I got way too off topic. So let me try another time. Since my good old www.sanctioned-suicide forum got completely nuked I’ll just move my thing over here because addiction is a big part of my story. I want to give you a quick background bout me. I’m 25 male. From late 2017 to 2023 I was severely depressed. With that I mean major major depression, thinking bout suicide everyday. There were reasons but all of them are dust now so they are whatever, none of it matters anymore. What’s not whatever is what happened 2023-2024. I met the most beautiful perfect girl I have ever seen in my life. We had so much in common, we were like magnets and stuck together. She did like me too in the beginning but I was too shy and awkward. I rarely ever fall in love, it was passed down from my parents. I fall in love once a decade and stick to the person for years after years, probably for a lifetime (my family members are like that), no matter what I do, that’s just the way my brain works. I don’t even want sex. It disgusts me. Only with deep feelings I’d feel comfortable to do that and even kiss the person. You could put prime Megan Fox in the room with me naked and I wouldn’t even get hard. All I want is to hug someone real tight that means the world to me. Anyway, since I took too long she found someone else. I didn’t know at first but when she told me March 2024 I fell into the darkest hole I’ve ever been in. I never did drugs before but at that point I was dead set on “okay either I end it all right now or try medicate the pain my own way”. Doctors only gave me SSRIs SNRIs. All that shitty trash meds. They never gave me any benefits but huge side effects: completely killing my sexuality, brain fog, headaches, being asleep the entire day it was awful, since I had that experience already I was like fck this and went to my bad influence friend’s trap house. Everyone else was sick and tired of me only having misfortune in life and hung up on me on the phone but this bro got me. Gave me opiates and thank the Lord for Papaver Somniferum. The warmth, the bliss, the feeling of everything’s okay. It was amazing. It saved my life. Even in hindsight. Rather became a junkie than having ended it all.
Now, 2 months after heavy opiate abuse (Morphine was my drug of choice, sometimes Dihydrocodein but always from the pharmacy, I never took anything from the streets and I never did IV use). 2 years later now I am in substitution. I am a hyper responder to opiates btw. I never ever had any side effects, they don’t slow my thinking down, never had nausea, never had constipation even when I took insane amounts every single day.
Unfortunately though, I can’t get the warmth anymore. The tolerance is too bad. My plan now is to get off substitution and have a 6 month break. I miss the warmth, I never felt love, I never felt the love of another human being, my body severely lacks endorphins and opiates bind to those same receptors hence why they work so well with sadness, grief, loss of a loved one, etc. I regret having tried out a few other drugs but I never regret opiates and Xanax also. Anxiety right now as I’m getting older is as bad as it’s ever been. Thankfully I sneakily got 2 doctors to gave me a huge stash. Junkies are sneaky and lie, that’s the way it is. I am a junkie. It’s what it is. I never did any of it for fun or to try it out. I was desperate, very desperate, very close to suicide and tried anything to help numb the unbearable pain. Listen, I had broken bones before, horrible physical pain but the mental anguish of losing the person you loved the most is a quadrillion times worse. Weed also helped me a bit for a while but tolerance built up and compared to Xans and Opiates for which 2 weeks abstinence resets the tolerance (almost) fully, Weed takes 6-12 months at least for me, so I quit Weed completely too.

So what’s my plan now. I’m glad I have a huge stash of xanbars ready, I’ll try to not burn through it too quickly. Then, I try to taper off my substitution (for opiates) completely this year. If I don’t succeed, well I still have about 2 years to join the Club 27. I already gave up any hopes, any hope of forgiveness, of ever saying how sorry I am for hurting her (what hurts me the most is that my actions hurt her so much and she cried so much because of me), I never could apologize but I came to terms with the facts I’ll never be able to say how sorry I TRULY am. Maybe if I do end it I’ll send her a letter. Who knows. For now: get by with my Xanax stash, and taper off my substitution FULLY.
Opiates in the beginning felt like almost as if she was still next to me, almost, even all drugs combined can never come close to the real feeling but it was similar, i miss the warmth, i miss it so soooo much, I had a very very hard life. When I was sitting next to her it felt like I was in heaven, when I heard her voice, it was like angels singing, her scent was so so so mesmerizing… There’s so much more to say but I leave it at that. For now. feel free to ask any questions please.

How did the medication take away your sex drive? It sounds like you didn't have one in the first place

 

[Yunai]

How did the medication take away your sex drive? It sounds like you didn't have one in the first place

Nope, I have definitely low libido but not none at all. If I had none it would not have been bothering me in the first place. Right now it’s restored to its normal form (once, maybe twice a week which is low for my age). SSRIs made it completely impossible, every single time, so yea. The other drugs I have taken in my life have no effect on it, apart from THC which actually increases it a bit. Opiates and Benzos both do not affect it either positively nor negatively for me.

Just research PSSD or SSRI sexual dysfunction it’s very common, can persist even after stopping the medication, etc.

 

[Northerngyal]

I’m sorry to hear about you losing this special person. I know it sounds so cliche but you do deserve much better. If she found someone else quickly without considering you ect. Time heals, you will be okay in time.
Have you considered getting on methadone instead of using pills? I think you would experience that warmth feeling from methadone. Not so much suboxone. Just a thought.

 

[Yunai]

I’m sorry to hear about you losing this special person. I know it sounds so cliche but you do deserve much better. If she found someone else quickly without considering you ect. Time heals, you will be okay in time.
Have you considered getting on methadone instead of using pills? I think you would experience that warmth feeling from methadone. Not so much suboxone. Just a thought.

Hey thanks for the compassion. My opiate abuse was only for about 4 months. That’s when I got to help. They gave me Methadone first, I had some mild side effects from it so they switched to L-methadone for a while. That was definitely better but still not the best for me, then they prescribed me Morphine extended release which I am on for a little bit over 2 years now. That’s the best medication I ever had in my life. I never had any side effects from it. Even when I was on a very dose I never had constipation, my brain is not slowed down, etc. it works wonders. I am highly functional on it, could continue studying at my elite Uni, riding a motorcycle etc, all completely normal. The best part is even after all this time I still feel a strong antidepressant effect. I was s*icidal for so so long but thanks to Morph that went away completely and I am very happy that I am still alive. I try to make the best of my time on Earth, focus on myself only, found new hobbies that gave me a new purpose to life etc. i also wanted to have the “natural” opiate that’s not purely synthetic like Fent or Methadone. I tolerate Morph so well to a point they even told me I am exception (literally not a single side effect).

Anyway, maybe important to mention here, I am neurodivergent, maybe Asperger, I have not seen anyone ever who is as monogamous as me, apart from my father’s side family who just like me almost never ever catch feelings apart from once or twice. I was only ever in love twice. The first girl was from high school (I was friendzoned) and it took me 5 or 6 years of not seeing her ever again for me to finally get over her. That’s when K (the second girl) came into my life after having to study 10 hours every single day, never a day off for 4 months to pass the hardest of hard entrance test to my Elite Meduni. it was like being struck by lightning. The odds of meeting her in the first semester, she was the first person I met at my Uni, plus we fatefully got into the same course group. She was the first cute girl that’s totally my type that was into me (at least in the beginning for the first semester). She wanted to spend time with me, we spent a lot of time together, we had many deep personal events and she trusted me fully because she has seen how much I cared for as a person and I went to great lengths to make sure she is safe (she did appreciate that a lot and told me many times I was an exceptional kind, compassionate, etc etc) and I slowly but surely got very strong feelings for her. She was my world and I would’ve died for her, if something awful would’ve happened I would’ve shield her with my own body catching a bullet so she can survive, that’s how I thought and I literally cried so many times in my audio diary, for example during the winter break when I knew I wasn’t going to see her for a few weeks. The feelings were extremely strong, I never experienced something like this, so when I effed everything up and she left me I fell into the worst dark hole I ever been in. I never did drugs before but when that happened I was like “okay either I end it or all try to self medicate” because Drs only gave me SSRI which never gave me any antidepressant effect for me but severe and devastated side effects, so I was like “I am not ending it all but see if I can find anything that suppresses the pain so I can survive” and opiates saved my life, literally, in the beginning it worked wonders but once the dependence and tolerance creeping up I got into treatment. I never ever did drugs for fun, never, all I wanted is to survive. The pain drove me very close to ending it because it was unbearable. I had a major surgery in the past but nothing ever ever ever even came to close to the agonizing pain of grief and heartbreak. Yes time heals it, it got better after all these years (hence why I taper off my substitution right now) but I am still thinking about her at least once a day and I miss her so much still. .

 

[CalicoCatLover]

Not many things feel like love