Hitting the wall

[washingtonbound]

Lately I have really begun to feel such disgust for myself, it makes it hard to perform in the way I need to in order to succeed in life. I'm 31 and have never really supported myself. I've driven Uber, been a security guard, tried working in real estate but none of that helped me gain independence. I have been living with my mom and it's no longer bearable. In the past I was homeless a few times and that wouldn't have been as bad until I started getting robbed. The danger of being around other people is the real problem.

Abusing psychedelics in my early 20s caused me to get diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which I began collecting disability for around 25. It is 900 dollars a month and I've tried taking this money to countries with a cheaper COL than the US but it has never worked out and I always end up back at my moms eventually. My dad recently passed away and I was not included in the will. This disturbed me not because of the money but because it highlighted what a horrible relationship I had with him.

The major problem I have is feeling weak, unable to deal with past trauma and stewing in my own crap. I had a lot of resentment towards my dad especially for sending me to a "troubled teen" wilderness program and boarding school over smoking weed and drinking and high school, and haven't seemed to get over it entirely all these years later. My mom tried to file a guardianship over me when my substance abuse was at a high point around 24, which I had to battle in court. Thankfully I beat it but the point is, I just sit around feeling disgust for the fact that I don't seem to have enough gall to make a damn living and stay the hell away from her.

There just isn't a lot of positive I feel towards myself or life in general. I don't believe I'm taking a victim stance at this point, I just don't really care to be here period. Hearing bullshit all the time about needing to have a real job that's not uber or security and frankly I don't give a shit about people enough to be giving it my all at the workforce. Last job I had lasted three weeks because I was disgusted to be honest. So I stew in my own trash feelings and lately my kratom use has gotten out of hand, which never helped me cope much to begin with.

Basically I hate myself for being weak and can't seem to force myself into society for extended periods of time, so I end up in this shitty loop. I'm also in a very high cost of living state (FL), so even renting a room requires a better income that I have right now, which is jack shit. I have just been getting worse and hardly like being out in public now.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

I'm sorry you are putting yourself through this. I was diagnosed mid-70s with borderline schizophrenia and can relate to feelings of unworthiness. My diagnosis came about the same time using MDA, however I disagree with the cause being from abusing psychedelics. I've gone through 3 bouts of psychosis in my lifetime all of which were chemically induced, my brain snapped and shutdown altogether. I think it was a way of preventing further damage which I attribute to self-preservation, a natural response to trauma.

Prior to your psychedelic use in your early 20s did you notice any precursors mood wise before being diagnosed? I was a moody sob who would pout thinking I could persuade parents to grant favors and get my way. Of course, it never worked to my advantage. What I'm saying I doubt psychedelic use was the main cause for your diagnosis.

Getting back to the present state of living, a book that helped me immensely is available on YouTube , give it a listen. The contents describe how your body and mind work together and the physical implications of depression and illness.

Let us know how you are doing. You have much more going for you than you realize.

 

[washingtonbound]

I'm sorry you are putting yourself through this. I was diagnosed mid-70s with borderline schizophrenia and can relate to feelings of unworthiness. My diagnosis came about the same time using MDA, however I disagree with the cause being from abusing psychedelics. I've gone through 3 bouts of psychosis in my lifetime all of which were chemically induced, my brain snapped and shutdown altogether. I think it was a way of preventing further damage which I attribute to self-preservation, a natural response to trauma.

Prior to your psychedelic use in your early 20s did you notice any precursors mood wise before being diagnosed? I was a moody sob who would pout thinking I could persuade parents to grant favors and get my way. Of course, it never worked to my advantage. What I'm saying I doubt psychedelic use was the main cause for your diagnosis.

Getting back to the present state of living, a book that helped me immensely is available on YouTube , give it a listen. The contents describe how your body and mind work together and the physical implications of depression and illness.

Let us know how you are doing. You have much more going for you than you realize.

I never had any predisposition towards psychosis until after my first year of college, when I started using LSD and MDMA fairly often and smoking weed everyday, often concentrates. After returning home for the summer I had a big fight with my dad, smoked with my friend and then had my first psychotic break. It was definitely weed that the caused the break I am certain of that. Not sure how much the other drugs played into it but I'm sure if I didn't start down that road I could have avoided the psychotic breaks. I was stubborn and continued to use different things and had other breaks later from ketamine.

Luckily I haven't had psychosis in three years, what I deal with more now is anhedonia, boredom, agitation and guilt over not having the sort of life I had in mind for myself.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

Yep completely agree and hear you loudly...weed defiantly played a huge part in my psychosis. In the 70s, when I first smoked weed I didn't get anything out of it, I thought this was normal, so I smoked more and more.. back the it was social thing that was expected by peers, otherwise you would be labeled a narc or something of that nature. I didn't catch the warning signs until it was too late.