in beginning of the year i quit using amphetamine, then also the benzos for a while (actually just because i ran out of my stuff and haven't yet found ways to get it in another country i moved to). but now i find myself using tons of amphetamine, benzos and also kratom every fucking day, having horrible tolerance
today is a weekday, don't have to work so there's less excuse to use amphetamine, did it only a little, but craving it right now again. feels like i can't live a single fucking day without speed.
i came to using kratom every day for about several weeks, then quit and used it only occasionaly, but this week i used it each day. drinking it right now
even though life cirsumstances are much better now than in the past (hell i don't even know how i was able to survive in the past), it's not getting much easier
my BPD shit, anxiety, OCD and procrastination keep hitting randomly. and to cope with these, and stress and workload and living daily life, i need drugs, that's my excuse. that i NEED them, or my life will break apart. i need to use because otherwise it'll be worse, to get work done or i'll be fired from job, to appear positive and avoid emotional breakdowns and anxiety or i'll upset the person i love and my relationships will be lost. i need speed to wake up and work, need benzos to sleep
some small random thing upsets me, like feeling not being good enough or other person doing something that my BPD dislikes? alright now i can't focus on anything except suffering or procrastination and will skip night's sleep, unless i use.. or even if i use.
life feels like a constant crisis
it's crazy how much money i'm spending on this shit (1g of speed is >100$), how i'm risking my life and still magically avoiding being caught by law (i'm not in US btw, any drugs=prison here), how i ended up consuming tons and relying on so many substances just to cope with living, and how stupid it all is