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Depression, and anxiety

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Fast 'n' Bulbous

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 8, 2011
Messages
11
(sorry if this is unclear, I hard time talking about myself sometimes)

Hey everyone, I'm not quite sure what I want to accomplish with this thread but I need some help. To start, about myself. I'm a sophomore in highschool and although I know I have my whole life ahead of me already, I just wish it would end for the past year or so. I want to kill myself but I'm too afraid of death to do it, so instead I have started cutting (never very deep,just enough to bleed). I've been diagnosed with dysthymia (chronic moderate depression) and aspergers syndrome. These mostly manifest themselves in a combination of very low self esteem, bad social skills, anxiety and general depressive moods. I have very few people I would consider "friends" (countable on one hand) and in any social situation with people I dont know well I basically shutdown. I feel like a royal ass because of this as I basically grew up under "ideal" circumstances, with a loving family in the middle of an upper-middle class suburb. Currently I attend talk therapy for the past year or so but its not helping much. I feel like Im just going through the motions in life like im supposed to, and I can't remember the last time I have felt genuine non-drug induced happiness. I am currently looking to try some form of medication (like SSRIs) and if that doesnt work I don't know what to do. Thanks for any help, and if I anything is unclear just ask.
 
Hi Fast n Bulbous, firstly welcome to Bluelight <3

I want you to know that you should NOT feel bad that you are having these issues considering the favourable upbringing you had. The symptoms you experience e.g. anxiety, depression etc, are occurring on a chemical level in the brain, and you have absolutely no control over that. So it's definitely not something you should feel ashamed or guilty about.

Are you currently taking any recreational drugs? If so, they could be making your anxiety and depression significantly worse so I would strongly recommend that you lay off any recreational substances for the timebeing.

That's great that you go to Talk Therapy regularly. Does anyone know the extent of the bad feelings/thoughts that you have? Have you told your parents or doctor or therapist that you're currently not coping? I know it's hard to reach out for help, especially when we're depressed. But I really think you need some support so it would be a good idea to tell someone how you're feeling.

Also please be careful with the cutting, as the very act of self-harm can become addictive in its own right. If you need specific support for that, we have a self-harm thread here in The Dark Side.

There are lots of different ways you can overcome these problems so please know that there is hope. You won't feel like this forever. But reach out for help, okay? Good luck, let us know how you're going, and please take care of yourself because you are a beautiful and very worthy individual <3
 
Ive been through everything you have been going through. It gets better. Def stay away from rec. drugs for a long time, it just makes things worse and worse. It does take time though. I came from the same backround as you did. I used to self inflict wounds on myself as a measure of coping but it just makes thing worse. If the therapy you are in now isnt helping may i ask you to try to find another therapist. I went through 5-6 before i found the right one.
You just have to hang in there, there is help everywhere and always someone to talk to. Never feel discouraged to talk. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Ive been to the end and back and managed to pull through. It may take baby steps but you WILL get better.
 
thanks for the kind words.

In terms of drugs, I really will take whatever I can get my hands on, although most of the time this is just weed/alcohol. I doubt they are making anything significantly worse as I only started 2 ~ years ago and I've felt this way for at least 4 years now. I generally feel much better when I'm drunk/high, but as soon as I come down I feel like shit once again.

My therapist knows that I feel shitty most of the time, but I dont think she knows that it is literally to the point that I literally spend 50 % of my free time lying around wishing I was dead. I'm a rather aloof person and I don't really feel like im close enough to anyone to tell them how I feel. I like my therapist, and I definitely feel that they want what is best for me but I have a very hard time opening up to her.

The cutting is strange, I don't cut deep enough to cause any harm. Just enough to cause pain and to bleed.

As for the last point, I think that's my biggest problem. Currently I feel like I'm defective, and unless a miracle occurs I don't see what could change it. Of all the things I can change, I don't think I can change myself and that's the root of my problems. I know that its a very slow process, but every day that goes by Is even harder. I hope you guys are right though, and that I will get better.
 
Alcohol is known to cause depression from the drop of dopamine if im correct? Eventhough i have mostly overcome my depression/anxiety everytime i drink it hits me again. The longer you use to feel better the harder it is to remove those things from your life when your ready to take a step. I had no faith that i would get better but you just have to take that one step in the right direction and in time you develop that sense of motivation to make a change. If you cant open up to your therapist they cant help you and trust me when you start talking about the things that you have sunken into your brain you feel a great weight lifted. The cutting can be just as addictive as any drug, i understand that it feels right at the moment but like i said it is just another drug needing to be removed from your mind.
 
I think you are probably 100 % right, and although my alcohol consumption is mostly binge drinking (drink till throwup/blackout every Friday) im sure it cant be helping. It's hard to stop though as its one of the few times I actually feel happy. The funny thing about cutting myself is, I don't really feel better after doing it. It's mostly just when I feel like complete shit and want to hurt myself/watch myself bleed.
 
what STilife said about finding the right therapist is a good point that should be emphasized imo. call and ask to speak to them on the before setting up an appt. Make sure theres a good connection.
 
just consider this point. right now you are opening up to complete strangers. You may be able to connect with more people here but think if you can open up to complete strangers, what will it take to just speak these words to your therapist.
 
Heh, its actually easier for me talk to complete strangers online then it is for me to talk to someone I know face to face. My next appointment is this Tuesday and I'm going to try to tell my therapist how I actually feel. I'm afraid to talk about self harm with her though, as I'm fairly sure since I'm a minor she would be required to tell me parents which would not be good.

Have never thought about keeping a journal, but if you think it would help it seems like something I could do. Do you have any personal experience with one/has it helped you?
 
i can definately see that it is easier to talk to strangers because of the no face to face judgement..etc Just know that your therapist is here to help you just like we are, im going to be honest with you and say that my therapist was required to tell my parents about my self inflicting wounds. Journals depend on the person, i may suggest that you try it but it didnt really help for ME as much as face to face talking. Everyone is different and its worth a try if you are willing
 
Fast 'n' Bulbous said:
Heh, its actually easier for me talk to complete strangers online then it is for me to talk to someone I know face to face. My next appointment is this Tuesday and I'm going to try to tell my therapist how I actually feel. I'm afraid to talk about self harm with her though, as I'm fairly sure since I'm a minor she would be required to tell me parents which would not be good.

Have never thought about keeping a journal, but if you think it would help it seems like something I could do. Do you have any personal experience with one/has it helped you?
Click to expand...

i've kept notes with points that I wanted to discuss with my dr. and in your case, I think it would be very helpful to right it all out.
 
Do you exercise on a regular basis? This can do a lot to counteract anxiety.

Before going on SSRI's, read about what SSRI discontinuation syndrome is like. A lot of people get on these types of drugs and don't know what they're going to be facing when they want to discontinue them.
 
Fast 'n' Bulbous said:
In terms of drugs, I really will take whatever I can get my hands on, although most of the time this is just weed/alcohol. I doubt they are making anything significantly worse as I only started 2 ~ years ago and I've felt this way for at least 4 years now. I generally feel much better when I'm drunk/high, but as soon as I come down I feel like shit once again.
Click to expand...

Weed and alcohol can definitely make both depression and anxiety worse, even if you've only been using them occasionally for 2 years. I know this from personal experience. Perhaps just while you're trying to get better, maybe you could abstain from all recreational substances including alcohol and weed, just to give yourself the best chance of feeling more stable. Then who knows, perhaps in the future when you're in a better headspace you can indulge in them again.

schwiftee said:
what STilife said about finding the right therapist is a good point that should be emphasized imo. call and ask to speak to them on the before setting up an appt. Make sure theres a good connection.
Click to expand...
I totally understand why you made this suggestion, and I agree with you as well. However for someone like FnB who has aspergers syndrome, it might be difficult to a) call and speak to a new therapist over the phone that they've never spoken to before and b) be able to tell if there's a good connection straight away. But I definitely agree that FnB should try another therapist :)
 
^ whoops yes, good point that I overlooked.

but yes, you have absolutely no obligation to see anyone in particular. I hat to use the word shop but certainly be free to look around. its your money.

a little reseach goes a long way. I'm sure with google you may be able to find someone with a backround in helping people of the aspergers' community.
 
About the therapist shopping, I don't really think that a new one is needed. I have a lot of trouble opening up to anyone, and honestly I feel like my therapist really does care. It's hard to talk to her often but that's just because I really have a hard time talking to most people. Verbalizing my feelings has never been a strong suit for me and even though I know that what I say wont leave the room I still have struggle with it. Your right n3ophy7e that I have trouble talking to people over the phone and especially connecting with people.

I can definitely cut weed out of my life pretty easily, but alcohol might be abit harder. As I said I have a few friends and I often hang out with them/drink on the weekend. Would be really awkward to be the only sober one.

I try to exercise , 3 times a week 20-30 minutes on the treadmill., but realistically I usually only get 2 miles in once or twice a week. I'm not in very good shape, at 110 pounds 5' 7'' (male).
 
Hi FnB, hope you get threw this rough time in your life. I dated a girl a while back that was a cutter when I met her. I remember the 1st time I seen cuts on her upper left arm, I asked what they were from & she said her cat, but im not stupid, I knew what a cat scratch looked like vs a knife cut.

It seemed she would cut herself when something went wrong in her life &/or she got depressed. This girl was gorgeous but looks dont matter when we have psychological issues. She cut herself & smacked her head into a brick wall once when she thought I was cheating on her when I was on vacation for a week & I was away from her. Needless to say, we are not together but still remain friends.

OP: I was gonna ask if you were male or female because women are usually the cutters but you've stated above you are a male. I see you are a skinny guy. Do your looks have anything to do with you not liking yourself? I am a skinny guy myself, im 5ft 8 & 135 pounds. My friends always wanted me to go lifting with them but weights never interested me.

Do you play sports? Maybe you should try participating in some sports. Shit, even table tennis on the Wii is fun & you get a work out. I always play it with my 2 young neices, keeps me active & sociable.
 
Usually when I cut its when I feel really shitty, more so then when something bad happens. I guess its more wanting to hurt myself if possible. It generally makes me feel less depress/shitty after wards.

I don't think that many of my self esteem issues are related to how I look, even though I am skinny I think im pretty average looking. It's more that I feel inadequate as a person.

I played soccer up until 2 or 3 years ago, but even though I liked to play being on a team always made me uncomfortable. This summer I'm thinking of playing some kind of sport, but I'm not sure which one.
 
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