Crossed a line that I didn't want to cross - need to humble myself and stop

[Legerity]

So this weekend turned into a complete fucking disaster. I went out with somebody on Friday and drank too much, knowing I had shift the next day where I would be evaluated to determine if I get the job. I ended up with 3 hours of sleep and feeling like complete shit. So of course, I "had no choice" but to take some speed to stay awake. Speed being the drug that messed me up in the past and brought me into rehab. But this summer I decided that after being away from drugs for 6 years I wanted to find out how I would handle it.

The shift felt like a never-ending nightmare. I won't go into details but it's definitely a place that has zero tolerance for any drug use. The whole time I had terrible anxiety and it was so hard just to stay focused and listen. Then coming back home after I had more speed left so I ended up staying up until the following night.

So now my whole sleep schedule is fucked, I have my regular job today, another evaluation shift at the new job tomorrow. I've been smoking heavily all weekend after having quit for 9 months. I feel dirty, empty, and ashamed of myself.

I've told myself that I felt I had changed enough in the 6 years, that there would be something that prevented me from developing a problem again. I said if I saw things got excessive, I would stop. I was able to do fine with MDMA, I could take one and then hold on to the rest for a month until I did it again. But when I do speed I don't have the strength to stop until it's gone.

So if I was right, and would be able to stop if I saw that I was not as in control as I thought I was - then this would be the time.

The fact that I put a job that I really want at risk and had to ignore phone calls from family members because of how I was feeling, brought up a lot shame and feelings from the past. I can't allow myself to go through that again.

Anyways, I got rid of the rest of my MDMA and weed. I've been smoking cigarettes for a couple of weeks but only heavily this weekend so I'm hoping that it'll be easier to get rid of than last time.

So I guess now I'll find out, will I be able to stop myself from falling back into it, now that I've crossed a line that I set for myself?

 

[Ixchellian]

you answered that last question, before it was even finished.....
Ah, the beauty of syntax.

So I guess now I'll find out, if I will be able to stop myself from falling back into it, now that I've crossed a line that I set for myself?

|×××××|

Will I be able to stop myself from falling back into it, now that I've crossed a line that I set for myself? Now I'll find out.

 

[Legerity]

Well I think I gave myself a pretty vague and unsatisfying answer in that case

 

[ChickenScratch]

sounds to me like you've got a case of the post bender low seratonin blues.

keep your chin up, get through this week and acknowledge your mistake (which you've already done).

just remember how this felt and don't do it again.

you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, but it's a slippery slope so be careful.

 

[dipitch]

Props for the 6 Years!

But now that you "crossed the line" you cannot go back?
You did it once, you can do it again.

You have something great to look for, a job you actually want, who can truthfully say that from themselves?

 

[Asclepius]

The shift felt like a never-ending nightmare.
So now my whole sleep schedule is fucked, I have my regular job today, another evaluation shift at the new job tomorrow. I've been smoking heavily all weekend after having quit for 9 months. I feel dirty, empty, and ashamed of myself.

I've told myself that I felt I had changed enough in the 6 years, that there would be something that prevented me from developing a problem again. I said if I saw things got excessive, I would stop. I was able to do fine with MDMA, I could take one and then hold on to the rest for a month until I did it again. But when I do speed I don't have the strength to stop until it's gone.

So if I was right, and would be able to stop if I saw that I was not as in control as I thought I was - then this would be the time.

The fact that I put a job that I really want at risk and had to ignore phone calls from family members because of how I was feeling, brought up a lot shame and feelings from the past. I can't allow myself to go through that again.

Anyways, I got rid of the rest of my MDMA and weed. I've been smoking cigarettes for a couple of weeks but only heavily this weekend so I'm hoping that it'll be easier to get rid of than last time.

So I guess now I'll find out, will I be able to stop myself from falling back into it, now that I've crossed a line that I set for myself?

Guess you have to re-draw the boundry but with some different conditions added this time; based on what happened at the wknd and it's consequences.
I would use positive and negative reinforcement for training my behaviour in the future. Going out of the way to make it impossible/or as uncomfortable as possible, to maintain contact with those people who supply you with Speed. It completely negates your interest to use them, for whatever reason, and also be wary of those peope you drink with and let yourself get 'out of control with'. Rather than feeling ashamed with 'work/family/whatever; after the mistake, use the way your feeling now from wrong action to keep yourself on the right track,-turn the situation on its head , like a palindrome; use guilt and shame as a negative reinforcement now to detract you from situations/drugs/people that your partial to use impulsively though which inevitably bring about the detereoration of your own welfare in the longterm.
Dont let yourself use your feelings/moods to sabotage yourself, work on recognising what state/mood you were in before you went out that night. And for krist sake get some sleep(if you can) and rest if you cant.
Dont beat yourself up, just try to do something constructive about what happened and listen to the guilt and shame - they are teaching you a valuable lesson once you dont indulge in them! How are you getting on now Leg? Having read some of your posts, I see how much great advice and guidance you share with other people-Really hope you can do this for yourself right now.

 

[Georgie25]

Well i know one thing...if you keep using the speed then your problems are just gonna keep getting worse. Better to stop now before it's too late again!

 

[Legerity]

Thanks all for the replies. I slept last night but I think I need a few days to settle down a bit. I just happened to pick the worst possible time for this, so many things are going on that need to be dealt with. Maybe that's part of the reason?

The people I hang out with don't really do any drugs, so that's not really an issue.

I'm just a bit shocked by the weekend to be honest, it has been so long since I felt like this that I forgot how it is. I don't know how the hell I used constantly go on binges that were even worse. I guess now that I actually have a normal life going on, I can feel the full disruptive effects of making bad decisions.

Since I can't really undo it I guess I need to learn something from this and move on. I guess that's easier said than done sometimes but I don't really know what else to tell myself...

 

[Lolie]

You may have crossed the line, but which side of it you stay is totally up to you.

 

[Legerity]

You may have crossed the line, but which side of it you stay is totally up to you.

Agreed...this is something that I always try to tell others, I should maybe start looking at myself for now...

 

[sid3]

It appears that you are learning from this. Thats huge, it limits this to a slip up instead of a full blown return to the lifestyle where getting fucked up is all that matters, let alone not even questioning it. Drinking too much may not be a great excuse, but your not the only one who has made a bad choice after a night of heavy drinking. I think its one of the number one causes of recoverying/clean people picking up......I think your right, having a lot on your plate at this time more than likely had a lot to do with it. Having enough clean time does allow us to look back on just how destructive active use had become and not wanting to go back to it. For the most part I agree when people say, relapses are typically a process and not an event. Usually things like stress play a major role. Im sure Im not telling you anything you don't already know, it seems like your back in control now. Good luck moving on.