^the specific detail of her behaviour goes far further than the behavioural suggestions and cues that hormones give us. There is real disdain for him. Whilst hormones do control many aspects of human behaviour they are part of the macro picture of our psychology and you are being far to deterministic in their powers. If the non-existent libido were simply due to her hormonal profile she would be apathetic about sex, whereas she's decided to be a bitch from what the OP wrote. There are deeper issues.
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Wife of 2 years refusing sex, I am angry as hell!
- Thread starter oxyboy
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hyroller
Bluelighter
I'm going to offer a completely different perspective here that may cause some upset, but it's not meant to: Who are you being that has your wife in a space that she is not into sex?
Before you write me off, hear me out for a second. As absurd as it sounds, if you take 100% of the responsibility for you and your wife not having sex regularly, then you place yourself in a position to effect a change in your relationship. As long as you view that she has the problem, then the only way it can ever be changed is if she changes. That leaves you powerless in the matter and subject to her whims. If you take complete responsibility, then you are the one who has the power to make the difference. Taking complete responsibility comes at the cost of needing to give up that you are right and your partner is being wrong in this matter; but do you want to be right or do you want full sexual expression with her?
Over the 10 years that my partner and I have been together, our sex life went to near zero. There were all kinds of excuses along the way - too tired, too soon after a big meal, out of shape, etc. I became frustrated and started to fantasize about going outside of our relationship for sexual fulfillment.
It's just a philosophical position that isn't inherently true, but when I took 100% of the responsibility for our lack of sexual intimacy, it didn't take long and things started to turn around and we discovered some incredibly hot sex that was satisfying for us both. It took me looking at possible ways that I was being that was stopping our sexual expression, and it also took me really keying into my partner's world. I don't know what that means for you and I can't tell you how to do that, but it is there for you.
Consider that your wife is a sexual being and that in her private moments she has some fantasies that make her lust with deep desire. Consider that you have the power to key into those fantasies and bring her pleasure like she's never experienced before while also having an incredible sexual experience yourself. I don't know what that means for her, but it probably has less to do with your physical appearance and more to do with the space you are in with her. Again, I don't know what that means for you, but a good start may be talking and finding out about those "hidden" spaces in your wife that maybe she even doesn't know exist.
Before you write me off, hear me out for a second. As absurd as it sounds, if you take 100% of the responsibility for you and your wife not having sex regularly, then you place yourself in a position to effect a change in your relationship. As long as you view that she has the problem, then the only way it can ever be changed is if she changes. That leaves you powerless in the matter and subject to her whims. If you take complete responsibility, then you are the one who has the power to make the difference. Taking complete responsibility comes at the cost of needing to give up that you are right and your partner is being wrong in this matter; but do you want to be right or do you want full sexual expression with her?
Over the 10 years that my partner and I have been together, our sex life went to near zero. There were all kinds of excuses along the way - too tired, too soon after a big meal, out of shape, etc. I became frustrated and started to fantasize about going outside of our relationship for sexual fulfillment.
It's just a philosophical position that isn't inherently true, but when I took 100% of the responsibility for our lack of sexual intimacy, it didn't take long and things started to turn around and we discovered some incredibly hot sex that was satisfying for us both. It took me looking at possible ways that I was being that was stopping our sexual expression, and it also took me really keying into my partner's world. I don't know what that means for you and I can't tell you how to do that, but it is there for you.
Consider that your wife is a sexual being and that in her private moments she has some fantasies that make her lust with deep desire. Consider that you have the power to key into those fantasies and bring her pleasure like she's never experienced before while also having an incredible sexual experience yourself. I don't know what that means for her, but it probably has less to do with your physical appearance and more to do with the space you are in with her. Again, I don't know what that means for you, but a good start may be talking and finding out about those "hidden" spaces in your wife that maybe she even doesn't know exist.
KingdomCome
Ex-Bluelighter
There's two possibilities.
First, you suck in bed, or you don't stimulate her in one way or the other.
Two, you're too much in bed, you take too long or your dick is too big.
Which one is it?
Once we know which one it is, we can help give you a proper response.
First, you suck in bed, or you don't stimulate her in one way or the other.
Two, you're too much in bed, you take too long or your dick is too big.
Which one is it?
Once we know which one it is, we can help give you a proper response.
I highly doubt either, I'd give much more credence to it being the birth control as Ive been through the same thing with my ex because of it or she's cheating, probably the first if he hasn't noticed her acting any different other than being uninterested.
KingdomCome
Ex-Bluelighter
Fair enough, it could be both of which you said but that really depends on what kind of birth control she's on. Some are harsher than others.
As for cheating, well that relates to what I just said.
What I said was far more basic and more likely lol
As for cheating, well that relates to what I just said.
What I said was far more basic and more likely lol
KingdomCome
Ex-Bluelighter
Actually you'd be surprised, well that's why there's divorce after all.
I've seen female friends make horrible decisions about marriage with men that they seemed to be genuinely in love with. The female mind is not for us to understand.
one of my friend's suddenly found sex painful even tho she's been with her partner for years, after many tests they diagnosed it as being a physical manifestation of stress.
Another more obvious suggestion is she's got stuff bothering her and either she hasn't told u, and it may or may not relate to you - but negative feellings, stress, anxiety and sadness are all passion killers. So maybe she can't explain the 'no sexual desire' to you - but maybe there's other stuff that she should talk to you or someone else about and she hasn't made the connection to it potentially adversely affecting her sex drive.
Just a theory or 2 I thought I'd throw your way
all the best with it! I would seriously discourage you from seeking relief outside the marriage - there's a whole lot of other shit that goes with that. Persevere! U don't seem like a bad sort of bloke, try not to let it get u down
Another more obvious suggestion is she's got stuff bothering her and either she hasn't told u, and it may or may not relate to you - but negative feellings, stress, anxiety and sadness are all passion killers. So maybe she can't explain the 'no sexual desire' to you - but maybe there's other stuff that she should talk to you or someone else about and she hasn't made the connection to it potentially adversely affecting her sex drive.
Just a theory or 2 I thought I'd throw your way
all the best with it! I would seriously discourage you from seeking relief outside the marriage - there's a whole lot of other shit that goes with that. Persevere! U don't seem like a bad sort of bloke, try not to let it get u down
hyroller
Bluelighter
Word... I'm wondering how long the OP and his partner have been together for in total? Did you used to have a satisfying sex life until recently? If it's gone from good to bad then you need to retrace your steps to figure out what's happened. There are so many possibilities but none we can know for sure unless you talk to your wife....
Sure, maybe - just maybe - it's 100% down to birth control. But saying stuff to him like "hurry up" when they finally get to have sex is just insensitive and unfair, so I think he has a right to be angry. She's clearly not recognising the hurt and damage this is causing.
no it isn't. this isn't normal behavior in good marriages. from previous posts, i understand you're all about open relationships and never settling down, but people can and do have life-long, loving and fulfilling monogamous relationships.
further, that is a poor opinion. relationship counseling is for couples and individuals who have discovered a problem that they themselves do not understand nor have the resources to fix. counseling is admitting you need help, which is often times much more difficult and requires much more courage than waving a white flag. however, relationship counseling does not always repair a marriage, but it can give a couple better insight to why it failed.
the OP and his wife definitely need to seek counseling. they need a safe forum to discuss and discover where the problem lies, which i can bet is outside of the bedroom.
others have suggested the problem is the BCP but because she's not at all reciprocating sexually leads me to believe there is something deeper. she is deliberately avoiding and rejecting intimacy.
OP, another thing i would consider and bring up during your counseling session is: how does she feel about your hydrocodone use? it would be a pretty disappointing relationship if i or the person i was with was consistently too inebriated to function let alone be emotionally available.
badandwicked
Bluelighter
MyDoorsAreOpen
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Oxyboy, I don't think any of us can give you any really helpful advice without knowing quite a bit more about the circumstances surrounding your marriage, and how your relationship dynamic works and has always worked. What did your sex life used to be like, when you were first together?
I'm seeing one of three possible scenarios at work here:
1. In my experience, women lose the ability to feel sexually attracted to men they've lost respect or trust for, or no longer feel emotionally connected to. If this is it, a good marriage counselor should be able to get to the bottom of this without too much trouble, and be able to come up with some practical solutions for rectifying this.
2. Women can become frigid due to psychological and emotional stress, or old baggage, that has nothing to do with you. How well do you really know this girl and her past? (I'll not naively assume you know each other inside and out, just because you're married.) How well do you know her present life, and what's she's currently up against at work and in other realms of her life?
3. Low sex drive can have physical causes. Try having her come off birth control, and using condoms instead. How well does she eat and sleep? Does she take care of her health? DOES SHE USE ANY RECREATIONAL DRUGS??
When my wife and I first started getting serious and thinking about marriage, I lay this brutally frank card on the table, along with all the others: going indefinitely frigid on me is absolutely unacceptable. I told her straight up that I was a very sexual person, and considered sex a very important component of a healthy marriage, for its entire duration. I told her that a loss of interest in sex on either of our parts would always count as a major problem in need of prompt fixing, in my mind. I told her this because she is not a woman with a high sex drive, and because other than one encounter that happened against her will, she was a virgin to penetrative sex when she met me.
I love my wife dearly. But if she were to ever enter a protracted phase of disinterest in sex with me, I would have no problem letter her know that I was not happy with this, and that we needed to come up with a solution, if I was to remain happily married to her. Somehow I don't see this being a problem, though, despite our differences in sex drives.
The key is very clear and open communication about what each other want. Do you and your wife have that? If so, I don't see it ultimately being a problem for you either -- just a bump in the road in the long run. If not, then my advice for you is entirely different.
I'm seeing one of three possible scenarios at work here:
1. In my experience, women lose the ability to feel sexually attracted to men they've lost respect or trust for, or no longer feel emotionally connected to. If this is it, a good marriage counselor should be able to get to the bottom of this without too much trouble, and be able to come up with some practical solutions for rectifying this.
2. Women can become frigid due to psychological and emotional stress, or old baggage, that has nothing to do with you. How well do you really know this girl and her past? (I'll not naively assume you know each other inside and out, just because you're married.) How well do you know her present life, and what's she's currently up against at work and in other realms of her life?
3. Low sex drive can have physical causes. Try having her come off birth control, and using condoms instead. How well does she eat and sleep? Does she take care of her health? DOES SHE USE ANY RECREATIONAL DRUGS??
When my wife and I first started getting serious and thinking about marriage, I lay this brutally frank card on the table, along with all the others: going indefinitely frigid on me is absolutely unacceptable. I told her straight up that I was a very sexual person, and considered sex a very important component of a healthy marriage, for its entire duration. I told her that a loss of interest in sex on either of our parts would always count as a major problem in need of prompt fixing, in my mind. I told her this because she is not a woman with a high sex drive, and because other than one encounter that happened against her will, she was a virgin to penetrative sex when she met me.
I love my wife dearly. But if she were to ever enter a protracted phase of disinterest in sex with me, I would have no problem letter her know that I was not happy with this, and that we needed to come up with a solution, if I was to remain happily married to her. Somehow I don't see this being a problem, though, despite our differences in sex drives.
The key is very clear and open communication about what each other want. Do you and your wife have that? If so, I don't see it ultimately being a problem for you either -- just a bump in the road in the long run. If not, then my advice for you is entirely different.
MaW
Bluelighter
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MyDoorsAreOpen
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^ Whew. It's always nice when the simplest fix works, isn't it. 
Especially since you'll be boosting YOUR libido by coming off a drug too, at the same time. Seriously dude, lay off the opies, and just enjoy what you've been missing for so long.
Especially since you'll be boosting YOUR libido by coming off a drug too, at the same time. Seriously dude, lay off the opies, and just enjoy what you've been missing for so long.
It's likely the birth control is causing the problem. She may need to try other kinds of birth control. Different types can make a difference or go off of it and you use condoms. Good luck! Talk to her doctor about the problem and they should be able to make changes.
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