How do you confront a family member about alcoholism?

[WorldWarMe]

Alright, my mom has a serious alcohol addiction (drinking every single night), and I want to confront her about her problem.
The only thing stopping me is the fear, I'm scared of confronting her about it. I know this is probably normal, but I can't seem to get enough confidence to confront her.
I'm really worried because her doctor told her that her liver is shot (she blames it on Tylenol, which is a lie), yet she continues to drink every night.

If anyone's gone through this situation, could you please give me some advise on gaining confidence to confront her? I was thinking of taking a low dose of oxazepam to release my anxiety and then confront her.

What do you guys think?

 

[Bob Loblaw]

-> tds?

 

[hyroller]

I would form an alliance with some other family members instead of approaching her alone.

Alcoholics are famous for being a) in denial and b) aggressive when they feel threatened... so.. if you can get some more kin on side, that would be your best bet.

good luck! certainly not an easy thing to do, but really one of those things you can't ignore....

 

[RedLeader]

^ I don't quite agree with that, as I feel like an alliance (the "intervention thing") is extremely threatening (the whole aggressive thing) and probably won't end well.

You say that she only drinks at night, so that's good in that it means you can catch her during the day when she is sober. I would definitely bring this up to her when she is sober. Ya, she may or may not react all that well, and she may have to go out and drink away the pain of a family member saying such that night. But keep at it. If that's what she has to do, then bring the topic up again in a day or two.

Do you ordinarily have a good relationship with your mother? This is huge here, as if you do, then you're a lot more likely to plant seeds and get through to her. I would say something, but make it less objective ("You're an alcoholic and you need to stop") and more emotive ("I love you and I cannot see you doing this to yourself...I don't want to lose you.").

As hyroller said, most alcoholics are in extreme denial, but there gets to be a point where they do kind of deep-down *know* that they *shuold* stop. It just comes down to not being able to stop drinking pain away - a lot of which has been caused by alcohol. Not to mention that alcohol, when used frequently over a long time, is extremely physically addictive. And ya, stopping, even if you want to, feels terrifying.

Hammer home the points that 1) You love her 2) You don't think she's a bad person because she might feel the need to drink to escape pain and 3) You want her to stop soon. Maybe not this second, but definitely sooner than later.

I'm guessing that your father and/or her husband would not be in this picture? Who else is around often?

Please do keep the forum updated on how this goes. I wish both you and your mother the best

 

[hyroller]

It depends on what approach you take, as to how they'll react... if the other members of the household (if any) are willing to be supportive of her need to curb her drinking, instead of simply pointing the finger, then it holds more weight than if one person said something on the side.

Having lived with two generations of alcoholics, I still stand by the belief that it is easier to confront someone about something like this with the aid of mutual support than going it alone.

 

[RedLeader]

Perhaps. I think it depends on the degree to which the family members taking part in the confrontation know about the severity of the situation *from the eyes of the alcoholic*. If everyone already knows, and it's one of those "matter of time" things, then it would be a lot less intimidating than an alcoholic finding out that his/her entire family has somehow caught-on, been briefed, etc. And finding that all out at once. That's when the aggressive denial would start.

Support is great and all, but having several of your family members come forward and adress a disorder/disease when you weren't aware that they even had a clue...that's going to be humiliating at first, embarrassing in the middle, and quite possibly triggering afterward. No matter how supportive or caring it come across objectively as - alcoholics see their disease as an extreme type of weakness and letting too many new people (in their minds) tell them that they want to help them become stronger...eh it's risky.

Let's wait and see what the OP's situation is like, concerning other people s/he could bring to such a meeting.

 

[WorldWarMe]

I still haven't been able to bottle up enough courage to confront her. Any tips?

 

[Cyc]

I don't know. I've confronted my mother (as have many other people) several times over the years about her alcoholism. She's been to rehab 3x, and always relapsed.

At this point in her life, I've accepted that she will drink herself to death. There's nothing I can do about it. Every plea has been made, every word has been spoke. She's barely in my life anymore. She has made her decision and her entire family knows it and has moved on.

I wish I had a more positive message, but perhaps you will fare better. I sincerely hope your mother is more receptive than mine.

 

[semigenius]

Alright, my mom has a serious alcohol addiction (drinking every single night), and I want to confront her about her problem.
The only thing stopping me is the fear, I'm scared of confronting her about it. I know this is probably normal, but I can't seem to get enough confidence to confront her.
I'm really worried because her doctor told her that her liver is shot (she blames it on Tylenol, which is a lie), yet she continues to drink every night.

If anyone's gone through this situation, could you please give me some advise on gaining confidence to confront her? I was thinking of taking a low dose of oxazepam to release my anxiety and then confront her.

What do you guys think?

My father was an alcoholic, which led to his death. He had built a pretty good life for himself, but he lost everything. His kids, his wife. He had two very young children, but he still drank, even when he admitted that it was a problem. I hope that you can reach your mother before it is too late.

Anyway, it's pretty hard to confront an alcoholic. My father was a good example of that. My uncle was too, but he stopped after he needed surgery on his liver. My grandmother, at over 70 years old, is another example of this. I remember when I was 12, and I said to my grandma, 'grandma, can you not drink so much?' She got mad at me and yelled at me. It sounds like your mother is going to react with anger, so you need to keep this in mind when you do confront her about it.

I can first suggest that you make sure you don't seem hostile. Trust me, this will only push her farther away. Instead, try and calmly and carefully bring this up to her. That can be very hard to go about doing. She will most likely seem angry, but this is nearly inavoidable. Just tell her that you really care about her, and you don't want to lose her to alcohol. Invite her to do something. Avoid restaurants, as this is a perfect place for her to order alcohol. She may only want to go to the places that serve alcohol, so don't even suggest going to non alcohol serving restaurants. Maybe suggest going to the movies, or going to the park (if she doesn't drink in those places, that is). Show her that you care about her.

Spend more time with her, if you don't already. I assume that you're older and have moved out.

 

[pstyles89]

Alright, my mom has a serious alcohol addiction (drinking every single night), and I want to confront her about her problem.
The only thing stopping me is the fear, I'm scared of confronting her about it. I know this is probably normal, but I can't seem to get enough confidence to confront her.
I'm really worried because her doctor told her that her liver is shot (she blames it on Tylenol, which is a lie), yet she continues to drink every night.

If anyone's gone through this situation, could you please give me some advise on gaining confidence to confront her? I was thinking of taking a low dose of oxazepam to release my anxiety and then confront her.

What do you guys think?

I feel your pain brother. My entire life my mother has been a functioning alcoholic. My mother is a wonderful person, but when she gets a drink in her she becomes the meanest person on earth.

My best advice is to just confront her, preferably before she gets blasted. Tell her how you feel, that it hurts your feelings and you're worried about her. Interventions with other family members CAN work sometimes, but it can also make your mom feel like shes on the ropes which may not help your situation much.

Its obvious you care about your mom so I would try and tell her how you feel. Tell her everything. Hopefully she will see the damage she has caused and try to seek help. Usually things like these dont fix themselves immediately, its a process.

Personally, ive never been able to get my mother to put down the bottle. I've tried and tried and tried. Some people just dont want help no matter how much pain they cause. I hope everything works out for you man, alcoholism is a serious uphill battle and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[deadhead507461]

I have this problem also, I got my dad to stop for two weeks when I pointed out exactly how much alcohol he consumed, a handle of vodka is supposed to last longer than a week I said.
I couldnt stop it for good, just made a break.
You should start aiming for a break from the drink first, challenge her that she cant do it for one week.

 

[unsettled]

That's a good question, I'm in the same situation with a friend who can't see the damage his drinking is doing. But it's tough, besides I'd be a bit of a hypocrite considering I've got my own addiction issues, the only difference is that I can function consistently and he can't. Don't confront her when she's drunk would be my main advice, you'll get nowhere if she's smashed, at least in my experience. It's hard to get an alcoholic to stop drinking if they don't want to stop, if not impossible.