Having a hard time being happy with out drugs

[tee aich see]

So let me start by giving a little backround on myself: Smoked weed for the 1st time at the beginning of my senior year in high school when I was 16. I pretty much continued smoking a few times a month during that year of school. I drank for my first time a couple months after I turned 17, drank a few more times during the school year. Well the summer after I graduated I started partying and smoking a lot more than I ever did when I was in school. As well as doing that on a regular basis, I dabbled in lots of drugs, shrooms, acid, mdma, vicodin, adderall. I wanted to give everything a try, glad I held myself back from doing really sketchy shit like coke, meth and heroin. Now I'm a sophomore in college, and the longest I've gone being sober since that summer has been a week. I just feel like I need a break from it all. Smoking weed isn't really the same as it used to be. Drinking makes me depressed. I took a break from drinking after having a couple nights of drinking where I drank way too much and was saying that I wanted to kill myself and had to get talked through it by friends. I still feel like I haven't really gotten over having that happen yet.


Well anyways, I've been able to not drink since the last time I got suicidal, which was a month ago. Not smoking weed has been hard though, but I think it'd be good for me. I've been using it, and drugs in general as a crutch for too long. I feel like drugs have been my something to do, and an escape from things for as long as I've started doing them. I feel depressed because I feel like an empty person. I feel like I have no personality when I'm sober. Its been so long since I've had any extended period of being sober, I feel like I've lost sight of who I am. I know I'd be more content with myself if I felt like I had more accomplishments to be proud of. It's just hard to give up drugs when nothing else feel satisfying. I've been having to see a substance abuse counselor because of a drinking citation I got back in February. Had my first meeting them last monday, have the next one this coming monday. I decided I'm gonna be a little more honest about my drug use next time I see him. I kind of downplayed the problem drugs are for me the first meeting, but he seemed genuinely concerned about me so I think he'll be able to help me out more If I can just be more honest.

Anyways I feel like Im rambling a bit here, forgive me but i took a 30mg adderall earlier haha. But basically, I'm just looking to see if anyone here can give me some advice. I need all the help I can get. I feel like a fucking mess and I wanna get my self back together so I can be more content with myself and not so fucking depressed.

 

[InvisibleEye]

Hi, I'm sorry that I can't give you any «specific» advice, but I just wanted you to know that I was struck by some things you said in your post: «Smoking weed isn't really the same as it used to be. Drinking makes me depressed», «I wanted to kill myself and had to get talked through it by friends», «I just feel like I need a break»,... To me, these sentences tell something good about your current state of mind - they mean that you are ready to quit! First, you realize that you don't enjoy drugs as much as you once did; second, you actually have friends that care enough to talk you out of a suicidal episode; third, you've already lowered your drug usage.
So hang on bro... go out, try new activities, and get as much good sleep and good food as you can! You'll be ok, hang on!

 

[Noboru Wataya]

yea i can really relate to a lot of that...i use drugs a lot to forget about shit i haven't accomplished. it sucks.

so just cutting drinking alone will help. i have a friend that's been alcohol-free for like 23 weeks and she's doing much better, especially emotionally. chilling on weed is a great idea too. maybe it can't be a lifetime habit for everyone. invisibleEye's right for sure; just go find some cool shit to do. it's not gonna solve everything but there isn't a perfect and easy solution to these kinda things.

 

[emotionsickness]

So let me start by giving a little backround on myself: Smoked weed for the 1st time at the beginning of my senior year in high school when I was 16. I pretty much continued smoking a few times a month during that year of school. I drank for my first time a couple months after I turned 17, drank a few more times during the school year. Well the summer after I graduated I started partying and smoking a lot more than I ever did when I was in school. As well as doing that on a regular basis, I dabbled in lots of drugs, shrooms, acid, mdma, vicodin, adderall. I wanted to give everything a try, glad I held myself back from doing really sketchy shit like coke, meth and heroin. Now I'm a sophomore in college, and the longest I've gone being sober since that summer has been a week. I just feel like I need a break from it all. Smoking weed isn't really the same as it used to be. Drinking makes me depressed. I took a break from drinking after having a couple nights of drinking where I drank way too much and was saying that I wanted to kill myself and had to get talked through it by friends. I still feel like I haven't really gotten over having that happen yet.


Well anyways, I've been able to not drink since the last time I got suicidal, which was a month ago. Not smoking weed has been hard though, but I think it'd be good for me. I've been using it, and drugs in general as a crutch for too long. I feel like drugs have been my something to do, and an escape from things for as long as I've started doing them. I feel depressed because I feel like an empty person. I feel like I have no personality when I'm sober. Its been so long since I've had any extended period of being sober, I feel like I've lost sight of who I am. I know I'd be more content with myself if I felt like I had more accomplishments to be proud of. It's just hard to give up drugs when nothing else feel satisfying. I've been having to see a substance abuse counselor because of a drinking citation I got back in February. Had my first meeting them last monday, have the next one this coming monday. I decided I'm gonna be a little more honest about my drug use next time I see him. I kind of downplayed the problem drugs are for me the first meeting, but he seemed genuinely concerned about me so I think he'll be able to help me out more If I can just be more honest.

Anyways I feel like Im rambling a bit here, forgive me but i took a 30mg adderall earlier haha. But basically, I'm just looking to see if anyone here can give me some advice. I need all the help I can get. I feel like a fucking mess and I wanna get my self back together so I can be more content with myself and not so fucking depressed.

i really relate to a lot of what you said and i wish i had the magic words to tell you but i want you to know youre definitely not the only one who feels this way. its like after you do drugs/drink if thats ur poison nothing is ever the same. but you can be happy without drugs im telling you its possible. you have to find something that makes you happy and gives u a purpose. im sorry if this wasnt helpful at all cause im in a similar boat 2 u

 

[tee aich see]

Thanks a lot for the advice guys. I definitely have a lot of issues with anxiety and depression, and I find that every time I get high or do anything right now I just feel guilty because I feel like I'm using it as a way to escape my problems. I think i just need to understand that I have control of myself and when it comes down to it, no one else can make the right choices for me except for me.

 

[pharmakos]

it sounds like maybe there's a lot of stuff in your life that you're procrastinating on. i always get like that when i use while i'm putting off something important.

 

[Depressicaa]

Do you have a DoC? I really like stimulants (Adderall) because I feel that I am a better version of myself.

What I think is that when you used drugs, you had common activities on drugs, such as eating on weed, smoking on Adderall, sex on coke (yeah theses are just examples, not necessarily what you did). What happened is that you didn't really do these things without drugs, so you have to start doing fun things without drugs. You are empty because you chose to not have fun without drugs, all you have to do is start.

 

[caroline55]

t.a.s.
Don't know how old you are, but it sounds to me that you are just about to start your working career life!!What do you work as?
Anyway I ask, because whatever you intend to do as work to become independent, you should consentrate on!!
Set yourself a medium to long term goal and make it happen.
From my experiance your happiness will come once you start realizing your dreams and plans as a responsable adult!!!
Look inside yourself too and be knid to yourself!!

 

[ranunky]

Well done for staying away from heroin coke and meth. Those ones can really take over your life. Be very fucking careful with the adderall and vicodin too, they can be every bit as dangerous as the aforementioned three in terms of addiction.

 

[broagan]

get some exercise

 

[tee aich see]

t.a.s.
Don't know how old you are, but it sounds to me that you are just about to start your working career life!!What do you work as?
Anyway I ask, because whatever you intend to do as work to become independent, you should consentrate on!!
Set yourself a medium to long term goal and make it happen.
From my experiance your happiness will come once you start realizing your dreams and plans as a responsable adult!!!
Look inside yourself too and be knid to yourself!!

I'm not working yet, just going to college now. I'm in my sophomore year, working on a bachelors degree in health psychology, then I'm planning on getting my masters in counseling. I definitely need to work on being kind to myself like you said. It's really hard for me cause I've pretty much never cared about myself for my whole life and I'm just starting to realize that I'm the only one who can make good decisions for me. I bottle up the things that bother me though, I always try to act like I'm fine when I'm really not. I'm afraid to let people know when I need help, makes me feel really lonely sometimes.

 

[QuasiStoned]

I bottle up the things that bother me though, I always try to act like I'm fine when I'm really not. I'm afraid to let people know when I need help, makes me feel really lonely sometimes.

I can relate to that, drug use is an excellent crutch for these things and has lead to problems for me

 

[Listening]

Thanks a lot for the advice guys. I definitely have a lot of issues with anxiety and depression, and I find that every time I get high or do anything right now I just feel guilty because I feel like I'm using it as a way to escape my problems.

Don't be too hard on yourself: it sounds like you're on the path, even if it's slow going. And here's a little secret: the path is pretty much always slow going.

I think i just need to understand that I have control of myself and when it comes down to it, no one else can make the right choices for me except for me.

It's great that you have this attitude, but don't deny the truth either: We're human and we're not perfect! When you tell yourself that "I should be able to just stop smoking weed since I don't think it's useful anymore," there can be a tendency for backlash, leading to further guilt and taking you away from your goal instead of bringing you towards it (i.e. the opposite of what you were trying to accomplish).

I would recommend you do some reading on mindfulness and give it a serious try. I recommend this mostly because I'm on a mindfulness binge right now, and because I recognize a lot of myself in what you have written in your OP and know (in retrospect) what I needed when I was there...

There is a way to live a happy and satisfying life. Keep the faith that you will get there, and know that what's good for you may be painful and may take much longer than you would like it to take. It's a long road ahead, but you will get there.

Good luck.

 

[dd2bj]

yeah i been there dude. Its time to quit the drugs and remain sober. Its not hard to do you just need to stick to it. Im going on 5 months so it is possible. Its your choice decide what you going to do.

 

[Cloudburst]

First! Congratulations on admitting you have a problem. That is the hardest step. If you can do that, you can quit.

Now for the hard part: I personally do not think it is possible to have a chance of ridding yourself of full-blown serious addiction without being in a hospital setting, and ONLY when you are absolutely determined to the point where you REALLY fucking mean it, absolutely mean it. Otherwise it simply will not work unless you encounter a much more unfortunate situation. As was said, you are doing a great job on the path to recovery, but there will be a point when you know exactly what I'm talking about, it's going to be a drastic change in perception. All I can say it's profoundly surreal and profoundly disturbing often to the point of tears, at least from what I've heard from others in rehab and my own experience. Trust me, you will know when you're absolutely 100% ready, which honestly is probably not right now. If you're not ready for rehab, you're not ready yet, basically. Yes, it is true 95% of rehab patients relapse eventually (including me) but I doubt they were completely ready. For instance, pretty much everyone except one or two people constantly talked about drugs and experiences with it, not much negative really during smoke breaks.

I've read from people in rehab, and from my personal experience in rehab it is reinforced that addiction leads to only three paths: hospitalization, imprisonment, or death. It could be an exaggeration just to point out the severity of the situation, but regardless of whether or not those are the only outcomes, it essentially is THAT bad. You're close though. I was pretty determined like you but rehab did not help (what a coincidence I'm on 30mg adderall too ), wasn't 100% yet. It will happen eventually though unless a tragedy occurs from your disease.

There's really nothing I can say to soothe you much in particular except make you at least a bit more aware you are nowhere near alone and you better not DARE (pun not intended) give up! Be happy you're not in complete denial which does unfortunately happen to some people regardless of how bad and long their abuse was.

 

[Noboru Wataya]

What happened is that you didn't really do these things without drugs, so you have to start doing fun things without drugs. You are empty because you chose to not have fun without drugs, all you have to do is start.

this is possibly one of the largest hurdles to my overall sobriety. at the point when i was totally clean for the only time in about 5 years, i was SOOOOO fucking bored and desperate for a buzz. at that point i realized i didn't even like exercising without smoking weed first.

me aside, depressicaa has made a fantastic point. somehow u've got to learn to be happy. sounds simple but is so incredibly complicated and difficult.

i love and hate drugs

 

[Draigan]

Its just a matter of getting used to sobriety and then making the best of it.

I know how fucking hard it is to be sober. Its like facing life all over again. Its scary. I was running from it for years. Its worth facing though. When something happens and it makes you happy and your sober, you know its true happiness!!

 

[Psychedelic Jay]

I never say I can't get happy without drugs, but everything is so damn dull! I never have trouble finding something interesting, and it seems like there is nothing now other than guilty pleasure that can make me smile. I think I am just very insensitive to everything.

Even though the physical manifestations and cravings have subsided, LIFE STILL FEELS LIKE ONE BIG WITHDRAWAL.

 

[hyroller]

When something happens and it makes you happy and your sober, you know its true happiness!!

this is true - being genuinely happy is the best position to be in to be able to enjoy other indulgences, also... because you can actually get a conscionable high, not just use them as a means to flatline....

 

[getreal]

I decided I'm gonna be a little more honest about my drug use next time I see him. I kind of downplayed the problem drugs are for me the first meeting, but he seemed genuinely concerned about me so I think he'll be able to help me out more If I can just be more honest.

This is truly the best way to go tas. Thats the only way the doc will be able to help u if you re honest. The PAWS that stick around after drug use can be devastating to ones mental health.
You may be Rx'd some medication to help. In the meantime Good Luck and keep being strong!