• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

Status
Not open for further replies.
zombiesarepeaceful said:
FTM RANT

Who. Am I?
I say I stand on the crossroads of gender with both middle fingers raised.
Sort of crude in some opinions, but I've had it with society.
Ripping, tearing, ridiculing, laughing, mockery...
Where's the joke? Cause I'm obviously out of it, cause I'm not getting the punch line.
I'm finally starting not to doubt myself.
I'm finally feeling legit in my own skin. Still hate the hell out of my body but...
The evidence of the body I was born in will fade over time.
The Rogaine is working its magic.
And like a little 13 year old boy trying to match up to his older brother,
I try to get buff.
But here comes the motherfuckers with the shitfaced grins and the eyes of steel.
They see through me.
Time to stare back, laugh back, do anything but run.
I ran in the past. I lost. I let them mold me. This time I win.
You better run away buddy cause this time,
I'm getting mine.
If only, if only, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Where are you living? Or who's to say reality isn't pliable like putty?
Why do I feel high on life most of the time,
Why do the energies around me swirl so violently that it makes me feel like this?
Or why am I finally now perceiving them?
But I'm still afraid to breakdown.
Not afraid to admit it to myself, but to others.
Cause this time around, I'm the stronger one.
Cause this time around I'm the only one I completely trust.
But I have a family I never had before,
Created and found inside of a gay bar, of all places.
But they get us the most. And the few don't like it, fuck you.
I have a social life for once as well.
Took me 19 years to get it right but hey,
I'm a late bloomer.
I'm hoping I haven't passed up the last 19 years of my life,
Caught up in self-pity, loathing, bullshit,
Cause I couldn't bother to pull my head out of my ass long enough to try to live, to even exist.
My style of writing has changed, along with everything about me in the past few months.
I'll end this for now...maybe someday I won't be so amped up on ADHD that I can write something which resembles something more than a disjointed rambling of word vomit
Click to expand...

Totally understood. Normally I'm pretty comfortable about my gender identity (being a MTF), but lately I've been feeling a bit more insecure. I'm REALLY wanting the operation, but to get that done I'll need around $20,000 and a flight to a Thai hospital. I don't think that's gonna be happening anytime soon. :\
 
its fucking stupid that everyone would be so upset, sad, and mad. saying things like selfish prick!

sooooo, they can wonder around, have fun, have jobs, have a life, have children, earn what hey worked for, and know nothing of pain, and how pathetic and humbling it is to have to ask, for anything and everything. they will get over it, in the mean time, bye bye grandpas lifes saving, and my parents retirement, why tell me, why complain about it, yes its seroius as all hell, but, no way could anyone i know pay $3250 a month in prescriptions, or the countless mri's CAT's, x rays, sooo many specialists, doctors, er bills there guess 100k a year+ and there is more diagnostic work to do.

why? why should they continue suffering financially, complain, then act like id be selfish.
i will get around $1000 a month, plus medicaid, for the rest of my natural life, why? why live that way? why expect my wife to, why expect anyone else to? i surely dont, why should they expect me to?!?

my family can hardly stand hearing of current ! issue on my list that is pressing issues, of many which i receive reminders of constantly in the mail, or in thought.

they ant handle it, or want to hear it, and if they do listen its" oh my god? wha? what are you going to do? omg?!? how much? when where? wtf why?

you neeed money why?!? toilette paper paper towels, soap, medicine, milk, water, juice, daily living things... why, what why?


fukd
 
I fucken hate being so dependent on my parents... having to live with them in their snobby neighbourhood cos I can't afford a place of my own, nor can I really take care of myself. People in this neighbourhood are all rich pricks who look at me as if I don't belong here. I can see it on their faces when I walk or drive past them. I'd much rather live in the hood where most of my friends are. At least I fit in there, being an unemployed drug addicted piece of shit.
 
oaky,

ive cooled down, the adrenaline is subsiding... sigh


BUT, you kno wwhat, it feels like im pulling the wool over my eyes, and pretending that, things are ok, it will be altight, youve got it good, you wouldnt want to work again/coulodnt do anything worth a shit, the grass is so much greener in the other side. hmm?

no, its idiocy of me to entertain such thoughts, and to believe that i wished not, i wished not to have a career, a life, a happy wife and family, money, self sustainability. no, there is no green grass here. this is not what normal folk who 'struggled' through college, got that graduation car, made a great impression! got that job! yes baby, its all coming together! the life we always wanted! ohh, those trashy people on welfare should try harder, they are being handed what we work oh so hard for, ohhh. arrg.

i hate waking up, seeing my home and items, and wife whos proud, still asleep in bed, the bed i bought, the dog or cat, the sheets i helped pick out, the ones we lay together in, trying to be quiet stumbling around the morning routine, she lays dreaming, safe and comfortable. eating an actual breakfast, you bought and made, with the pan, paper towles, butter cups, silver ware you picked out together, driving the car you earned, and keep up, stopping for a coffee, being so fucking clueless, that us welfare sick fuck, cant afford to get coffee's and sheets.

it will not be.

there is so much that, normal, people are sooo fucking clueless about. and there is so much that normal can never understand, and that is, not everyone who begs, wants to, sometimes, they are put in a position to where they have to. HAVE TO. i can not do anything for me mor my family, or as i said, well will be a million in debt with in 3-5 years.... so fuck you.
 
^Believe me, I understand the frustrations, as you well know.
Having to depend on others, though I am incredibly grateful, is extremely depressing and life sucking. BUT there is a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back.......
I have a vehicle and a family who loves me, 2 kitties who adore us and my soul mate.
I may be VERY poor in material/ monetary resources but I am wealthy in love and spirituality.
I think that is most important.
So while yes, I myself have been extremely depressed b/c of some of those same things you listed (and more), I am remembering that what I do have is pretty lucky.
There are some people with a lot less.
 
yeah.

and i, or we have our youth.

thats where the real fear lies, most of the people in my family live a looong time, my body is not made for that. my mind, yeah, my body, no.

how long can i say, think, or hear, dont worry about that now, what matters is _____. but, in 10-15 years... even the thought is 5 is scary, because 5 years are a zip, thats just enough time to place a plan of action in order, and room for some error... but, the next 5 are reserved, easy. okay so i got 5 years to plan, but that again is pulling the wool over my eyes, in my eyes...
 
^I don't know what you're meaning about the whole 5 year thing......
But I think you forget I am watching my life pass me by as well. My mother and her mother both had heart attacks in their early 50's- My Dad's dad died in his early 50's of a heart attack. I already have 4 illnesses that basically cause more illnesses and some life threatening. My reproductive system is giving up on me, so the thought of fulfilling my dream of having children is disappearing before my eyes. My bones all crack, I'm in pain every single day........I know, though I do not have the same illness as you, what it feels like to know that as each year goes by you will deteriorate more and more. BUT we can sit around feeling sad for ourselves, or we can respect the life we have, enjoy it to the fullest and cherish every moment.
I'm unclear on the 5 year thing, but you have more than 5 years f that is what you are thinking!<3
 
^I hope one of those things hits you too :D

I need to bit hit with some motivation!!!! In a MAJOR way! I have less than a week- really like, one week to get this chart done and I feel so conflicted b/c normally I just love it but I guess b/c I HAVE to it makes it less appealing :) hahaha I gotta work on it at least an hour today though.....I really need a printer damn-it.
 
ocean-- That's why I'm hesitant to open my own restaurant. I love cooking, like nothing else in the world, but I fear that if I have to do it for a living it'll just become work. Then what?

I feel you on the 'wool over the eyes' PIP. I've been doing a lot of examination of my life lately, and I've been finding the reality of it to be quite different of what I think it is like on a day-to-day basis. In short, I've withdrawn from the world again, and I'm worried that I don't have the skills or confidence to pull myself back out. It's comfortable in here, but also soul-crushingly lonely. The only difference with this time is that I had convinced myself that I was more or less happy. Last night I opened my eyes and saw my life for what it was, and recoiled in disgust.

Today I plan on how to fix it, but I have yet to demonstrate the wherewithal to follow through on any sort of plan.
 
as a restaurant owner, you wouldnt be doing a hole whole lot of cooking. i would prepare certain sauces and rubs, specialty dishes, float around the kitchen, float the dinning room, then go start making paper air planes haha.

i would absolutely love owning a restaurant, that was my greatest ambition, that or at least a chef, or saucie. i know that business, i can say with confidence that im one hell of a creative cook, and thrived on the end of the night rush after kicking ass and perfecting orders.

but oh lord lol, me in a kitchen, i was used to ducking pots, pans, and oven corners but now... forget about it, same with DJing, haha nooo way. this disease has been in me my whole life, and it killed my back(i thought then) hunching over the mixer.

its sucks not drinking, i just dont want to, it makes me feel nasty, i love the taste of some pinot noir or malbec, but uhg, gross later, even after 1-2 glasses. and like everything i cook i use some type of wine with! i mean, if i make marinara, i use some f'n merlot, if i make steak - cab syrah or malbec, if i make lamb, game hen, or veil its pinot. then the whites...

ive watched too many bottles go bad, i know how to find the actually good cheap stuff ;) im a good on the go somillier as well, i could work in the wine industry, washington is serious about wine, and old world methodology.

a local vineyard well, chateau st michelle does a lot of work with the vintner Dr Loosen of germany, they produce the most smashing highest of, rieslings. the riesling he produces with chateau SM win more awards, and score higher then his german vineyards. drloosen.com

he is big on micro climates as youll se if you go to his page, the information about the wine has pictures of the particular vineyard it was grown at, they are amazing. if you havent had the wine for some reason, all riesiling, you must try. i would order a cheap bottle for a store i worked at, it was dr loosen brothers, a semisweet, but one i liked, pear skin, and some mineral, it was very slightly carbonated.

it came in a twist cap and wasnt advertised as but has some slight carbonation. which i like if its a decent wine to begin with, people act all odd about that, but if they knew about wine, they'd know that wines have a drink by time, and a dont drink until time too! so, if the wine is only good for 2 - 3 years, and the vineyard knows, its very convenient, and your chances of getting a corked bottle from a lower production producer as they are, are much better too.
 
I'm irritable and I don't know why. I kind of hate everyone right now. I really would like to scream but everyone is asleep and they would probably get mad.
 
I know that nobody here knows me at all, and I doubt this'll get much attention payed to it, but I have to vent about one friend of mine. This definitely isn't the place to be writing this kind of stuff, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it. Huge wall of text coming, so get your prescription glasses ready.

So, I have this one friend. We've been friends for quite a while, and I'd say she's the most fantastic person I've ever met. She was the one who showed me that there are people out there, my age, who have the same interests as me, who have he same fascination with drugs as me, and many other things. She lives in Vancouver and I live in Victoria... thus we only get to see each other a handful of times every year. The thing is... this past summer, we'd literally talk all the time we weren't out. I'd literally go out with friends around 2 PM, get back around 12 PM, stay up talking to her until 7 AM each day in the summer. It was amazing... she was amazing. She thought I was amazing too. She always talked about how she wanted us to live together once we both graduate. Even though we talked mostly through the computer and saw each other less than 5 times a year, I would not have hesitated to call her my best friend.

This wasn't just some stupid friendship that ended over trivial shit though. It hasn't even ended. The thing is, she was into drugs pretty bad for a period from the summer to about December (but that's another story). I was into them as well back then, but god damn, seeing the person you care for the absolute most over anyone and anything completely destroy themselves is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. Just thinking about her and what the fuck she could be doing at that moment almost made me tear up sometimes... it was really brutal. Around November is the worst part- I liked her as more than a friend (HUGE mistake but I can't control what happens in regard to that, now can I?). I thought about her even more than I had before. The amount of worrying I went through was ridiculous. I went to Vancouver in November, and we hung out... it was good. Awkward, but I was just so glad to see her. We walked around, talked and talked and talked, went back to her house and talked more, then watched porn on Showcase until we fell asleep (no amazing sex story, I'm afraid). The next day... I can't even describe it. I had to go home so we didn't have much time to hang out.

We were walking to the place where I had to catch my bus, and she turns to me and says "Could you come into the bathroom with me so I can shoot up?"...... I wish I could say I cried like a little bitch when she said this and pleaded to change her ways, but it was more of a quiet disdain. I said "No, I don't really want to do that..." because I just couldn't watch her do it. I've seen the most fucked up shit on the internet and I just couldn't even imagine what it would be like to see her do it. She ended up not doing it... I'm not sure why. I would have waited for her (and probably cried like a little bitch in the process) but I guess maybe she got the message. So I went home... on the way back I avoided listening to any kind of sad music whatsoever so that I didn't think of her. Fuck yeah, two hours of Venetian Snares. For the next little while, I did everything I could to not think about her, until I finally snapped. I just had to talk to her, hear what she's doing, or something. This is around the time we kinda stopped talking. She used to go on MSN all the time... I'd go on just to talk to her (I'd almost always appear offline). She never did. I texted her, she never texted back. This is when I liked/cared for her most. We didn't talk, and all I could picture was her, fucking her junkie boyfriend for another point. It was probably the worst I've ever felt... again!

Fast forward a little while. I basically just give up on talking to her. It felt good. I got a girlfriend in December (we're still together) and that took my mind off her for a bit. Naturally, after the new-girlfriend-joy wore off and me and her sort of started talking a bit more, things started to slide. She crept into my thoughts again, and I hated it. I almost hated her... but I could never hate her. She'd done so much for me and hadn't even known it. I just didn't want to think about her, but of course, I did.

Fast forward to about right now. We've hung out a few times since then. Some absolutely fantastic times, some absolutely shit times for a linearity of reasons. I'm breaking up with my girl this week... can't handle her stupid shit anymore. I want to be with Anna forever. Not even in a dating sense, just in a sense of, she is someone I literally could be with forever and I really and truly hope that she feels an iota of mutuality.

Anyway, I just needed to rant... sorry about all this. She is sort of a bluelighter and if she reads this I will be upset. :(
 
^If she is a BLer and it will upset you that she reads this, you could copy and paste it and post it in Blogs and then lock the Blog so no one can read it except the Mods.

Otherwise- In the recent times that you and she have spoken, how does she feel about you?
Is she still shooting up? Can you accept that?
Sorry to hear your current relationship isn't working out........that sucks.
Break ups can be rough.

And no need to apologize for your post! That is what we are here for!! :)
Keep us posted!
 
Well, for today, my hands are absolutely freezing, and its not even cold. This is weird for me, as I'm usually overly hot. My medication is making it so my hands are having a hard time not fidgiting and it is making it really difficult to type. I know many others have had to go through this, but this whole trying to find the right medications is so frustrating.

This brings me to this conversation my mother and I had last night. She notices that it only takes the littlest thing to make me burst out in tears. As if this isn't embarassing enough for a guy, she recommends I get my testosterone levels checked, and this little molecule is supposed to be all that manhood is.

Lastly, I was talking with my therapist yesterday and we came across the subject of my mother understanding and accepting my depression. I try to have this conversation with my mother all the time, I encourage her to look at literature, but somehow she thinks I'm self-diagnosing myself, even though both a doctor and my therapist diagnosed me with MDD, and I had a suicide attempt. I try to explain to her that normal people don't try to kill themselves, she kind of brushes it off. Its as though ignorance is bliss for her, as she is having a difficult time accepting all of this, and this has been going on for a while. She hates that I'm taking medicine, she is so anti antedepressant its not even funny, and this is odd from someone who is a nurse at a world renowned hospital in Boston.

But, then again, though my mother tries her best to be a good and loving mother, she ends up being brought up regularly in my therapy sessions. She doesn't understand that a lot of things she does is a trigger for either my anxiety or depression. And when I talk to her about this, she gets mad at me. This in turns exacerbates the problems.

There's my 0.02 cents for today.
 
^Huh. Weird.
Yesterday my therapist and I talked about my mother too- (I talk about her a lot in therapy) but I was telling my therapist I could never tell my mom that I discuss her in therapy though she is a large part of why I need therapy!
My mother would a) be pissed I represented her in anything less than golden light and b) She would not want to hear that she plays any part in any sort of dysfunction I may have! She would deny it.....so I don't even talk to my mom about my therapy, other than I see someone.
I told my therapist that I used to feel like a moron b/c I am an adult and I have parental issues but then I realized that, everyone does! :) She said Carl Jung said he had parent issues at 81 :)
It is such a huge, and heavy responsibility to be a parent.
I just try to remember that when I think of mine.......they're people, just like me. They did what they thought was right.........even when it was oh so very wrong :)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top