I think at this point I can rationalize commiting suicide (not seeking attention...)

[dilated_pupils]

WARNING: long fucking post...

At this point in my life I really see no point in living anymore. I have tried to kill myself before, and somehow my body always recovers - I've also had a few near death experiences and yet still my physical, biological body does just not want to shut off.

But I'm tired of this physical life and I want to get away from it.

You may say "Well go travel, see the world, get your mind straightened out, and find yourself!"

Well I've truly found myself, and once I found my spirituality I thought that I'd never be able to even consider committing suicide but now I'm reconsidering the thought because first off I know there is life after death, second I know there is no heaven or hell, I know what I believe is true you don't have to agree with me, but don't try to persuade me to believe in something other than what I do about life after death because I just know definitely in my heart and soul what happens...

You may wonder why this is even on my mind... well I'll break it down for you all, most of you know my troubles from the past but things have not gotten any better - I mean some things have but new things have taken the places of the good in my life, so the balance is still way off.

-I'm on parole for 2 DUIs (one I didn't deserve and I ended up serving time in jail because of this) and I'm unable to pay my fines and I'm supposed to be off parole on the 1st of April but that wont be happening because I still owe approx. $5500+/- so that means I have to violate my parole, stay on parole until I can pay it off, and if anything happens before I get off parole I will have a 2nd violation (and the cops love to nitpick and find little things when it comes to me because of my past (not going to get into it)) which means I'd serve 1+ years in jail and I'm not going to allow myself to do that, and I could also end up serving time for not paying my dept but there is no way to pay it off, honestly...

-I have no license it's suspended until May 11, 2012 which makes finding a job very hard, not to mention I cannot find one, although I admit I haven't been trying lately because I see no point since I have no way to get there and back, and my insomnia and sleep deprivation issues make it impossible for me to live a normal life

-I've been trying to stay clean, and have been doing very well for the most part but I always find myself wanting to get away from reality, doesn't mean I go and get high but still I hate my reality and I try so very hard to deal with it and I just get bogged down with more issues that I cannot do anything about, literally. I'm tired of collections calling telling me I owe all this money, and I'm 100's of days past due and if I don't pay I'll go back to jail or something...

-I have no friends anymore. I used to be the popular guy all my life; more friends than I could count. However my best friends who I grew up with all basically stopped talking to me, and I've tried to reconnect but it hasn't worked out whatsoever. All the other people in my life who are friends (more so acquaintances) either doing drugs, want drugs from me, use me, or don't talk to me anymore or ever hang out much if at all.

-The last meaningful relationship I had with a woman was over a year ago now, it was with my best friends cousin (my best friend died and I met her at the funeral). We dated for approx. 1 year and to this very day I love her, but I messed up so much I understand why she got away from me, no hard feelings there. Every relationship I've had since has been short, or I just have someone I sleep with and that ends after a few weeks... my last girlfriend dumped me the day after this past valentines day because she still had feelings for her ex, and this she tells me after I put my heart and soul into helping her (she had some issues but I really cared for her).

-I am a burden to everyone around me. I am living with my parents now, and I cannot accept money from them anymore, within the past year or two they've spent approx. $25,000+ on helping me with my fines, lawyers, and the liking. Now I'm stuck owing this money for parole and everyone keeps telling me to ask them for money, but they truly can't afford to pay it all off, maybe make payments but I just don't want to ask anymore and no it's not because of pride it's because I literally just don't want to ask anymore for many reasons.

-My mental stability has been VERY good I must say, the best ever in my life it has ever been. I'm on a med now that finally helps my bipolar - no more ups and downs roller coaster life/emotions. I mean I get depressed every now and again but it's just because normal stresses which cause it, everyone gets depressed sometimes thats normal. My anxiety is very under control these days better than it has ever been so that is not an issue here.

So, overall that 'spark for life' has not been with me for a long time. I got it back for a bit when I had my spiritual awakening but for the past few months I haven't been able to even find solitude within my spirituality. I truly wish I could go back to school, but with my dept and all it's nearly impossible, I already owe student loans as well which luckily I got a deferred for a year but if I went back I'd have to make payments and that is literally impossible for me to do.

The only way I can see myself being happy and living a good life is a) being able to help myself as well as others b) enjoying my profession, and obviously getting one c) being completely free and independent but that will not happen for a very long time (if at all) because of the position(s) I'm [forced to be] in d) find someone who truly loves me and can be compassionate towards me like I can be towards them, I have a lot of love to give but I find none being given back to me

I do have a family who cares about me, but even when it comes to my family I live with my father & mother, who both work at my fathers business constantly and I don't get much from them other than monetary things so they're not much of a help emotionally especially my father who never has been unfortunately. My mother has always been there for me but these days I find myself not telling her anything anymore, I see no point because I'll just end up arguing with her. I'm very stubborn and opinionated, and I always feel I'm right - and to be honest I usually am.

I am a very smart and bright person with a ton of potential but with the mistakes I've made in life it makes it very hard for me to overcome the obstacles I'm now facing. I truly am paying my dept (none monetary, and monetary) for my mistakes now and they are such a burden I feel like I cannot go on.

There is no happiness in my life whatsoever. I'm so bored everyday, I literally am sick of myself because it's depressing to think of what I've become... I wake up each day at random times, if I even sleep (which lately I have been actually), and when I get up I do nothing, I sit around watching movies, searching the internet and that is literally it for me.

You may say "Well find a hobby, or go volunteer or do something!" - I am very unmotivated to do any of those types of things. I can't afford to have a hobby although I know some don't cost money, there are too many things that go along with hobbies such as being able to get to the places to do said hobby which I had no car/license. It's not the end of the world you may say as well, but to me the end of the world is happening to me, and has been since the day I was born.

I always said I'd die young, and I truly felt it was something legit. And I didn't say that because I thought I'd end up killing myself, although that came to mind through out the years obviously considering I've tried multiple times, but there are other things I thought that may happen. Freak things, such as a car accident. I hit a telephone poll going about 45mph with no seatbelt on, broke the telephone poll in half and I lived, not to mention I ended up walking away with just a small cut on my head and forearm. I drank myself to a blood alcohol of .38 and lived as well. I was found on the side of the road not breathing and somehow I was found and revived. I was told my pulse was very low and that I was lucky to be alive. Why couldn't any of those things have killed me? I don't wish to do this to myself, but I find solace in doing so to be completely honest...

I'm not asking for attention nor am I seeking it. I'm not asking for really anything I guess, I just felt the need to type this out and vent. Yeah, I know... people who talk about hurting themselves just want attention or are looking for people to talk them out of it, and you know what I may end up waking up tomorrow or the next day (if I do wake up... not saying I'm going to kill myself this second or anything) and look at this post as stupid... but you know what? I doubt it, because everything I've said is true. All of it is completely true and the more I don't deal with it, the worse it gets. And the more I try and deal with it, the worse it gets.

What is my way out? I only see one viable option and as much as you may all frown upon it, seriously tell me what would keep you going in my position? And don't tell me that this is a quick fix for temporary problems - these problems aren't going away anytime soon and there is LITERALLY NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT THEM! Feeling helpless is a horrible, horrible feeling and I despise it!

-dp

 

[theotherside]

Man I don't know you, but I hope you seriously aren't thinking about suicide. The issues with the law will eventually be fixed, and it is just a matter of time until you meet a wonderful woman who will want to share her life with you. My life felt empty until I met my G/f almost five years ago, and while my life is far from movie star awesome, I have my hobbies, and I can tell you that life can be good. Be patient, work on getting a good job that is easy to do so you can get independent. Please hang in there man!!

 

[DexterMeth]

I'm not going to tell you I know what it's like, because that really doesn't matter at all. Sounds like you've given up even though you set out a handful of options that would take you out of the death spiral. Instead of killing yourself first, why don't you really give it your all, no matter how much stress, depression, and insanity might occur, and succeed at something. Stop trying for things that were in the past or never were. Maybe it's all been a test to really make you push your true potential through. To have all that baggage and actually make some happiness and prolonged contentness in your life. Sounds like you're chosing to fail instead of trying at all...and /or so you've failed. You're there, now move on..you're still alive, at least for now. I really wish I could meet a lot of you people. You guys seem so genuine. Fuck suicide, it narrows your options.

 

[dilated_pupils]

It's really not that simple. Because of my mental conditions, even though I'm doing well at the moment, I will never really feel 'happy' - I've come to this conclusion long ago and felt the need to end my life back then but decided not too because I thought maybe down the road things would get better.

However, things have progressively gotten worse for me. I will be honest with you guys, I pretty much am set on doing this now. I just got done reading a lot more information on suicide and if (or more so when) I do decide to follow through with killing myself, it will be pain free and I will die peacefully.

I know you're going to try and say that's not possible, but I've found a way to do so, and if you just google 'exit bag' you will see that for yourself. I am not condoning doing this for anyone else, but I have the right to end my life do I not?

And yes I know people around me will be hurt, but my very strong beliefs spiritually let me know that maybe this life I set out for, to learn a certain lesson, got contaminated basically. Now I am unable to learn what I am here for, either that or I have already learned the lesson I am here for and it is okay for me to go now.

I am not upset right now about this, to be honest I look forward to passing away. I know my family and my so called 'friends' will be upset, but time will allow them to move on, just as I've moved on with the death of many family members and friends. I lost my best friend 2 years ago on the 23rd exactly, and I know that things are okay. I know that his soul lives on, and I know that mine will as well. Honestly, I've never been afraid of death, but I guess I've been afraid of how it'd happen/occur. But now that I've got that down, I feel safe to say it will be okay.

I'm not going to be killing myself tonight, nor tomorrow, but the time will come much sooner than later.

I didn't know about all the information on the 'exit bag' before posting the OP so forgive me for bothering with telling you all this - I don't mean it to be rude nor disrespectful. I hope you all can understand, like I said, that I have a right to end my own life. I truly know that I am not cut out for living in this world, and with death I will have a fresh start. I don't know when that will be since I believe in reincarnation and all but I don't know how long exactly it takes (many people say it takes hundreds of years, while others believe much different amounts of time).

Anyway, I guess I can make this more of a goodbye thread.

I'm sorry by the way to everyone here on BL, especially TDS, for not being around lately. As you can see my life has been less than fun, to say the least. I loved helping and being helped on these forums and that I can tell you meant a lot to me and still does. The Dark Side will always be my home here on BL, however I am a person of Love & Light and I hope through out the years I've spent posting here that I've shed some love and light unto many people. If so, then mission accomplished

-dp

 

[DexterMeth]

You say you're not upset but you sure sound upset...or at the very least extremely lost. You can't claim you're not upset or something like that and then crave suicide...that's giving into those emotions in which you claim to not have. You'll get over it..it's not permanent..but death is. You are full of shit if you say there's nothing more to find, that your purpose is null. You're stuck in a terrible rut..what more can I say? I will continue to debate this with you until you check mate me, which I doubt you can.

What is your real fear? Ask yourself that and force yourself to answer it. There's always a solution.

 

[dilated_pupils]

I'm not going to tell you I know what it's like, because that really doesn't matter at all. Sounds like you've given up even though you set out a handful of options that would take you out of the death spiral. Instead of killing yourself first, why don't you really give it your all, no matter how much stress, depression, and insanity might occur, and succeed at something. Stop trying for things that were in the past or never were. Maybe it's all been a test to really make you push your true potential through. To have all that baggage and actually make some happiness and prolonged contentness in your life. Sounds like you're chosing to fail instead of trying at all...and /or so you've failed. You're there, now move on..you're still alive, at least for now. I really wish I could meet a lot of you people. You guys seem so genuine. Fuck suicide, it narrows your options.

Well like you said right off the bat, you don't know what it's like at all - and even if you had experiences like myself we are all different and all have a different psyche so it's impossible to fill someones shoes completely.

I have given up, you are correct. I have given up though after trying for many, many years. You have no idea what I've been through other than the tales I've laid out in the OP. I have not only tried seeing doctors, which I've lost count of how many but over 20, probably closer to 30, and I've tried more medications then most people can name, and if you combine the number of times I've combined different medication combos then you'd understand my position. However, at this point in my life there is no need to bring up my medications because they are doing their job. You may think not because of my wanting to commit suicide, but honestly I feel content with myself currently and this is only because I have figured out how I am going to do this.

I absolutely hate routine, HATE IT! And not only do I have a routine that's lasted for a long time, but it is such a horrible one too boot!

Like I said I wake up everyday and do nothing. I literally wake up, get up maybe have some breakfast and some coffee, go back to bed and lay in my bed all day watching tv/movies, and the rest of my time I spend on the computer.

This was not me for a long time. For a while I was the life of the party, the guy who everyone liked and knew could help them out when they needed help. I've probably saved many more lives in my short existence here on earth then I know. So yes, I have a reason to be content. I believe I have fulfilled the needs of my life. There is nothing left but pain and suffering for me, honestly. There is no up on the roller coaster ride anymore. It took a pit stop during the middle of the ride and decided to stay there, simply put.

I do discourage people from harming themselves for no reason, most definitely. But I have mine, and I have reconciled myself with them and once again I will repeat - I am content with my decision and I'm sorry to have to had posted this. I know it sounds disturbing to you all, and I mean that, and I'm sorry for that. If the mods feel the need to remove this thread then by all means do so, it's okay.

-dp

 

[DexterMeth]

Isn't there anyone that you know or know of that you could realistically meet and talk to, before you ended your life that you really want to that would possibly change your mind? I'd definately do this first. Not for any other reason than it'd be the best thing you ever did too.

I love routine. We should trade lives. My issues is that it's getting impossible to stay grounded, which really scares the shit out of me. I'd give anything for routine. You already said not to say this, but seriously, if you hate routine, why not "go out and travel"...but not just travel, like completely change your life. What is the med that has greatly helped your bi-polar and anxiety btw, I'd love to know.

 

[dilated_pupils]

You say you're not upset but you sure sound upset...or at the very least extremely lost. You can't claim you're not upset or something like that and then crave suicide...that's giving into those emotions in which you claim to not have. You'll get over it..it's not permanent..but death is. You are full of shit if you say there's nothing more to find, that your purpose is null. You're stuck in a terrible rut..what more can I say? I will continue to debate this with you until you check mate me, which I doubt you can.

What is your real fear? Ask yourself that and force yourself to answer it. There's always a solution.

Let me rephrase myself then. I am upset with how my life has turned out and how it is never going to get better. You may truly believe that it can get better, in fact I know you will all try to debate this with me until I'm blue in the face (no pun intended). The fact of the matter is, is that my life will not get better. I see no future for myself, and even if I were to try and make one my lack of motivation is so utterly low it's unfathomable to most people - in fact I doubt anyone can understand my lack of motivation. I think that is the biggest 'issue' if you will in my life. However, all the other things I've mentioned are contributing factors.

You are correct in saying I'm stuck in a rut, but this rut is not one in which I can get out of, honestly. I don't know how to prove that to you, or anyone, and you may think I'm insane for believing this but it's true.

And am I lost? I thought I was, but I have found myself, deep within I have truly found myself. I am happy with who I am inside yes, but my actual life, the life I live everyday is not something I'm happy nor content with. I'm happy and content with knowing that I may end my life peacefully. And yes like I said I know it will not be peaceful for anyone who cares for me, but at least my brains will not be spattered all across the wall or something. Also, the course of action I will be taking will ensure death - so there is no way I will come out alive.

-dp

 

[DexterMeth]

I don't think you're insane, yea right. The human mind can go far beyond even rationalizing anything, it can make anything true, even if you know it's irrational. I'm not personally concerned with any of this anymore, I'm more concerned with happiness, fullfilment, contentnes..etc.

Do you truely not want to change your life at all to make it something you LIVE to wake up for every day? I don't see how you wouldn't. What besides laziness and finances if keeping you from changing your life? You hate routine but you're lazy. You can't have both man. I hate mold bread..so I don't eat it. If more people like us stuck around, life would be incredibly awesome....it's just things don't get better for us maybe a handful of years after everyone else. I used to be the life of the party too...the fucked up thing is I still am, but I kind of willingly/unwillingly gave it up. I can tell I'm getting slowly better, and it started with swearing off even opiates and alcohol (I'll drink every now and then but binge use). I'll sure miss psychedelics. Anyways, I've noticed that since I've started to better myself, it seemed like I got worse, but I think it's only because I'm devoting so much attention to reality now. Yea, life can be harsh, if not mostly. It's a state of mind though, and you surely know this. Nothing is permanent..not even your state of mind.

 

[dilated_pupils]

Isn't there anyone that you know or know of that you could realistically meet and talk to, before you ended your life that you really want to that would possibly change your mind? I'd definately do this first. Not for any other reason than it'd be the best thing you ever did too.

I love routine. We should trade lives. My issues is that it's getting impossible to stay grounded, which really scares the shit out of me. I'd give anything for routine. You already said not to say this, but seriously, if you hate routine, why not "go out and travel"...but not just travel, like completely change your life. What is the med that has greatly helped your bi-polar and anxiety btw, I'd love to know.

Well it would be impossible for me to travel unless I survived by theft for food, and stayed with people who would be willing to take me in. Trust me on this, I have extensively researched every possibility on how to escape the situation I'm in. I have thought of every avenue of leaving this life behind, moving to another country, starting over. But it's just not possible, and you may say that if you haven't figured out a way then you haven't thought of every possibility. But I don't know how to tell you that I have thought of everything that is at least reasonable, and even things that are highly unreasonable. If you don't believe me I could share all the extensive research I've done on trying to leave this life and go travel, because I spent many, many hours doing this.

The medication I'm on is lamactil (lamotrigine). It has helped my bipolar extensively, but my anxiety and my OCD I have worked on myself. I am also on klonopin but I've been on benzos for over 7 years so they do nothing for me anymore really... it takes the edge off at most, but really I am only still on my klonopin because I was told I'd be on it the rest of my life for my anxiety and I cannot see myself being able to quit taking it. I guess to be fair it does help, at least somewhat. But for the most part I have worked with myself, through meditation, to help overcome my anxiety issues and my OCD issues.

-dp

 

[dilated_pupils]

I don't think you're insane, yea right. The human mind can go far beyond even rationalizing anything, it can make anything true, even if you know it's irrational. I'm not personally concerned with any of this anymore, I'm more concerned with happiness, fullfilment, contentnes..etc.

Do you truely not want to change your life at all to make it something you LIVE to wake up for every day? I don't see how you wouldn't. What besides laziness and finances if keeping you from changing your life? You hate routine but you're lazy. You can't have both man. I hate mold bread..so I don't eat it.

I guess I should have made the thread title different looking back on it now. I am not really rationalizing suicide here, I am just accepting it. This is not an irrational decision, regardless of what others may believe.

You can call me lazy, yes in many ways I am, but I also work hard when I want too. I just don't feel the need to work hard anymore towards making myself 'fulfilled, or content' with this current life.

Do I truly not want to change my life to make it something worth getting up for in the morning? No, not really. Because I've learned, over and over again, that everything is in the moment. Nothing lasts forever, that's not my opinion, that's fact. In my case, everything turns out to last for a very short amount of time. And worst of all, it is always the good things that don't last for me.

Every time it seems like there is a bit of hope towards achieving something that may get me out of this so called 'rut' it disappears and is gone before you even know it hit ya. I honestly feel like I was here to save some people, learn some lessons, and to be frank I feel finished with it all. There is nothing more for me to learn. I am a very well rounded person, very intelligent. If someone were to put all the right opportunities in front of me and hand me a big sack of money to get me going I don't know what I'd do with it all. It'd first off be overwhelming, and secondly it would not be right because I would only truly be happy if I worked my way to my own happiness. So having someone help me is not feasible at this point, I've had more than enough help; more help than most people will get in an entire lifetime.

I am going to go for now and lay down and maybe get some sleep. I will return later in the day and make some more replies but for now I feel like I've explained enough.

Thank you though DexterMeth for your concerns and I do appreciate it all.

-dp

 

[DexterMeth]

No one can change you but many people can help you...sleep on that one. Stop being so stubborn. I don't mean to sound smarter than you or more in the know, and surely from my pov I am not and don't. I think right now you may not be processing information 100% correctly...as in you have so much mental garbage clogging up the airwaves that it takes you a minute or two what a more ignorant person may computer instantly (Ignorance is bliss right? Sure sounds nice now. 8)).

If you want to help people, show them what it's like to get so close and then come back...to more than come back.. to change not just yourself, but the world. It's definately possible, and many people have done it throughout history. Face it, you're not a simpleton..you're not easily amused. Use that shit to your advantage. I'd kill myself if I wasn't such a fucking scientist. I guess most people would say "good luck", but I'll spare you the bullshit and tell you to stop being so selfish.

At the very least get any crap job and pay your parents back. -To stability...to enlightenment..to control.

 

[Free]

if you know there is an afterlife that doesn't have anything to do with a religious heaven or hell then shouldn't you consider the possibility that you're experiencing a shit life down here for some objective purpose(in the context of whatever existence is beyond this one?)

taking your beliefs into account, isn't it possible that you are here to learn through the experience of human existence? the extremes that a human existence has to offer you?

 

[DexterMeth]

He'll probably say that he's already met his purpose and came to all personal realizations...even though he admits that nothing is permanent. I can see many people flamming me for suposively treating him so harshly about this ordeal of his, but throwing him a bunch of flowers and rainbows isn't going to help (some acute problem solving however can and does)..unless you're some really nice hot chick that loves him and will meet up with him IRL and like totally take his breath away....

This is of course if he comes back. I can't wish you good luck bro, but I'll wish you good fortune...that'll you'll be fortunate enough to some how wake up and come to whatever realization you do, that changes and transforms you to a higher ground..that truely humbles you and makes you happy to simply be alive. Peace.

 

[nervousone]

Eh, if your money problems are your main concern, why not rob a bank? If you are going to kill yourself anyway, whats the worst that could happen; the cops taking you out? And if you get away with it you get the cash. So its really win win either way.

Of course I'm not suggesting this method of action, I'm more so just trying to point out that you haven't explored all possibilitys out of your situation.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel man, you just gotta find it.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[dilated_pupils]

if you know there is an afterlife that doesn't have anything to do with a religious heaven or hell then shouldn't you consider the possibility that you're experiencing a shit life down here for some objective purpose(in the context of whatever existence is beyond this one?)

taking your beliefs into account, isn't it possible that you are here to learn through the experience of human existence? the extremes that a human existence has to offer you?

Well isn't is possible that all the bullshit I've been through has provided me with enough grief to fill up multiple life times and I've learned everything I can?

He'll probably say that he's already met his purpose and came to all personal realizations...even though he admits that nothing is permanent. I can see many people flamming me for suposively treating him so harshly about this ordeal of his, but throwing him a bunch of flowers and rainbows isn't going to help (some acute problem solving however can and does)..unless you're some really nice hot chick that loves him and will meet up with him IRL and like totally take his breath away....

This is of course if he comes back. I can't wish you good luck bro, but I'll wish you good fortune...that'll you'll be fortunate enough to some how wake up and come to whatever realization you do, that changes and transforms you to a higher ground..that truely humbles you and makes you happy to simply be alive. Peace.

You're not being hard on me, you're just trying to make me see a point in existence here. I understand that, and I know that if I pick and choose of course I'll find something. But the reason I am here, why can that not be done with? How come I should have to suffer and wait until natural death? No I'm not comparing myself to some cancer patient that is going through physical pain, but honestly I have physical pain too (obviously no where near that of a cancer patient though). My emotional/mental stresses are things that have eaten away at me for a long time.

I'm unable to trust anyone anymore, every time I help people someone I get screwed over - and thats OK because like I said I have lived to help people. It's just I don't want to allow that to happen to myself anymore, what is the point? Everyone needs to be appreciated, and I can tell you right now I have no one appreciating me, but then again I'm not doing much of anything with my life am I?

-dp

 

[thelung]

Please seek help in the real world, somebody who you trust, and can talk this over in person. don't rationalize yourself into a casket , its not worth it: you have your whole life ahead of you my friend.

 

[Zodiakk]

My suggestion sounds extremely ignorant, I know. But take some Xanax.
Better yet, find some really good smoke buddies. I've tried killing myself 4 times, and I know how you feel having such strong faith in the afterlife. I was clinically depressed because my 3 year girlfriend and fiance was kidnapped, raped and murdered 3 months later. The thought of her precious smile still makes me cry on cue, but getting high helps me find myself. Most people think they 'find their self' when they just find one trait they didn't know about themself. You can find yourself a million times, and each time is better than the last. If it helps, I'm here for you. And I feel ready to help you through the use of Private Messaging. I'm no therapist, but I can't stand back and let you do what I almost did.

 

[ocean]

Unless you have less than 6 months to live, dying of cacer or some terminal illness- there is no reason why it is acceptable to take your own life.
Sure, things are really bad right now (and I can really understand some of them, b/c my husband has a mental illness, a few physical issues and no job or license due to 2 DUI's) BUT you never know what tomorrow will bring. You never know what your life will be like in one yr, in two years...... You have the chance to make it better, if you choose to.
I'm not going to sit here and argue with you but I think that hurting yourself would be terribly hurtful to your family and not any kind of real solution. You're a smart, open minded guy- you can come through this.
If you truly believe you will hurt yourself, please call 911 or go to the hospital.

 

[dilated_pupils]

My suggestion sounds extremely ignorant, I know. But take some Xanax.

If you read my posts I mentioned I'm on klonopin. I'm on 3mgs a day which does nothing much these days since I've been prescribed different benzo combinations for over 7 years now - I couldn't get high on benzos if I wanted too. I can take, honestly, 60-100mgs of klonopin and feel nothing. I haven't bothered trying to take more because I see no point in wasting the medication.

Unless you have less than 6 months to live, dying of cacer or some terminal illness- there is no reason why it is acceptable to take your own life.
Sure, things are really bad right now (and I can really understand some of them, b/c my husband has a mental illness, a few physical issues and no job or license due to 2 DUI's) BUT you never know what tomorrow will bring. You never know what your life will be like in one yr, in two years...... You have the chance to make it better, if you choose to.
I'm not going to sit here and argue with you but I think that hurting yourself would be terribly hurtful to your family and not any kind of real solution. You're a smart, open minded guy- you can come through this.
If you truly believe you will hurt yourself, please call 911 or go to the hospital.

I understand that you're trying to be compassionate here and all, but seriously your husband and myself are completely different people. He may have some things in common but he has much more to live for than myself.

What do I have, seriously? I have no responsibilities other than myself and I'm ready to take the action I need to do, and want to do to make myself much happier. You mention waking up tomorrow and it's a new day... yeah I know that, but guess what? I woke up today after writing all of this out in this thread and I was actually feeling okay, still knowing in the back of my head that I am going to kill myself, but otherwise I was having a great day. Now, my day has just gotten shittier by the moment, and I'm driving myself up a wall right now.

There is nothing left for me here, I have come to this conclusion a long time ago, luckily I was able to help some more people along the way to where I am now. So, really there is nothing left to say I guess.

And yes I know I will hurt my family, I've addressed this in previous posts. But to be honest about that whole situation, I don't have much family at all, other than my 2 parents and younger brother whom I live with. My younger brother I'm not too much worried about because I think that my death would help teach him a valuable lesson (I know that may sound stupid to you all but there are many reasons why I believe this to be true), and my parents are deluded with their own issues. They do very much love & care about me, no doubt about it, but there is nothing left for them to do they cannot help me. They've spent many years, well actually my entire life, trying to help me, and I've helped myself a lot as well. But there is nothing left to help, there is only hope for me if I follow through with my plans to end my life. I have caused much pain in everyones lives who have met me and have gotten close to me, there is not one person left that calls me, hangs out with me, cares about me, whatever... So really, I am just hurting myself - and it's not like I'm going to actually be 'dead' - my consciousness lives on, my soul lives on... my spirit will live on through the ones who do care about me.

And really, I know you said to call 911 or go to the hospital if I feel like hurting myself, but seriously who is going to do that in my situation especially? You really think I feel like getting involuntarily committed to a psyche ward? I've been down that road before, and it's not pretty nor do I feel like repeating it.

-dp