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Partner is all over the place

  • Thread starter Thread starter ConfusedToTheMax
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ConfusedToTheMax

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My partner and I have been together over 3 years. That said, he's always been a pretty illogical reactional kinda guy. By that I mean he tends to act hasty whenever things don't go his way. It has always been like this but recently it's been pretty drastic. As a background he basically never finished undergrad because of his hasty 'fuck this' sort of attitude after a semester or two.

He keeps threatening to drop out of college. He actually did successfully drop out a week ago... only to re-enroll 2 days later. The real thing that preempted the 'fuck it' attitude this time was getting a B on a test (no, I'm not joking). This back-and-forth has been going on for at least a week. He'll talk about dropping out then 4-5 hours later he'll start talking about grad school. Same day, entirely different outlook.

All this said I LOVE HIM so much. I'm so ready to be with him the rest of my life but I want him to succeed at his full potential. I know it's easy to say that you think your partner is genius but it's basically a fact that he IS a genius. Near perfect scores on the standardizes test he has taken. I honestly feel his intelligence is partially why he refuses to move forward and just deal with things. He expects to be the top of the top and when he isn't he just gives up. I don't know. Has anybody dealt with a problem like this? I feel like I'm on a huge roller-coaster.

Plus, he expresses that my frustration is somehow 'shallow' because I want someone else to depend on financially. In reality I just want him to reach his full potential. Yes, I've told him my real reasons for disappointment in his attitude.

Any experience or opinions would be so helpful. Thanks.
 
Does he even know what he wants to do after grad school? It sounds like he's in college without a goal or something he's working towards, hoping to figure that out as he goes along or after he graduates. From your post he seems very emotionally unstable. There could be something else to this situation that you're not seeing, something that has nothing to do with school. This doesn't sound like normal behaviour.

That being said, I think you need to look at how you fit into this equation. Also think about how his behaviour will affect your life in the future, since you do plan on spending the rest of your life with him (does he know this?). I think you need to really think about if he's the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, because there are many other guys out there who aren't so fickle. You don't seem to be on the same wavelength you know?

I would advise a serious talk with your BF to figure out where you both see yourselves in the future.
 
Binge Artist said:
Sounds like a sociopath.


Inability to follow through or make goals.

Easily frustrated.

Impulsive.

Blames YOU when questioned about it.
Click to expand...

theres a lot more to being 'diagnosed' a sociopath than the 5 characteristics you noted. the psychopathy checklist which is most commonly used to determine the extent of ones psychopathy has 20 items (including the 5 you listed). this checklist is also not recognised for clinical use.

the clinically recognised DSM-IV (diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders - 4th edition) however lumps psychopathy (sociopath) and anti social personality disorder into the same group and is defined rather by behaviour and social deviance rather than personality factors (which are contributors to sociopathy/psychopathy).

its a big jump from hearing a few common traits and jumping to the conclusion of sociopath. diagnosis of personality disorders, i believe, shouldnt be handed out easily.


OP:

has your boyfriend identified himself that his character traits when it comes to his opinion on further education as something negative, a problem that needs to be addressed? If he thinks his decision is logical and correct, then its going to be a difficult battle to try and open his eyes to your viewpoint.

if he does admit that there could be a problem with his own behaviour, then i would suggest that you direct him to seek professional help, or someone to talk to about it all. it seems that if he is deflecting your concern by manipulating the issue back onto you, which is not conclusive to addressing his own issues.
 
versd said:
its a big jump from hearing a few common traits and jumping to the conclusion of sociopath. diagnosis of personality disorders, i believe, shouldnt be handed out easily.
Click to expand...



Oh, I never claimed he was DEFINITELY a sociopath. I was just warning the OP of a potential "red flag" concerning the description she gave.
 
ConfusedToTheMax said:
Plus, he expresses that my frustration is somehow 'shallow' because I want someone else to depend on financially. In reality I just want him to reach his full potential. Yes, I've told him my real reasons for disappointment in his attitude.
Click to expand...

This is just simple projection. He's actually just afraid that his inborn qualities (like being super smart) aren't going to be enough to succeed in life (or for that matter keep you around), he's scared that he's actually going to have to do real dedicated work and make real money also. He's probably terrified of the idea because he's gotten by without a whole lot of effort his entire life and he never wants it to be proven to him that that's not enough. It's not personal, and it's not about blaming you, and it's just another symptom. As long as you don't take it personally, you'll be fine.

It sounds like this guy is either going to crash and burn or he's going to get his shit together and do something really cool. Right now it sounds like he wants to just keep putting off the decision because he knows that he won't really like either option.

I'm exactly like this guy, except I finished college. Now I'm stuck trying to find gainful employment while my girlfriend is pulling in 35K a year, and I do NOT want to go to all the trouble necessary to get my shit together even though I know it's definitely the best thing to do. Eventually I'm just going to sack the fuck up and start getting shit done, but I'm a procrastinator extraordinaire and I've always been able to get by with the minimum amount of real work. So I can totally sympathize with this guy.

The best thing to do here is to just be a mirror for him. Accept his decisions as his own, and don't push him to do what you think is best for him (even if you'd clearly be correct). Instead, just continue to ask him questions about what he wants, the kind of questions that would change his behavior if he answered them with full honesty towards himself. Supporting his self-direction and self-actualization is the only thing that will make your relationship with him a good thing for both of you. If he refuses to confront his inability to progress through his life, then his self-fulfilling prophecy of inadequacy and "she'll break up with me because I don't make enough money" will just come true, but it won't be your fault and there will be nothing you can do about it either way. The only way you can help is by encouraging him to make his life as good as it can be.
 
ConfusedToTheMax said:
My partner and I have been together over 3 years. That said, he's always been a pretty illogical reactional kinda guy. By that I mean he tends to act hasty whenever things don't go his way. It has always been like this but recently it's been pretty drastic. As a background he basically never finished undergrad because of his hasty 'fuck this' sort of attitude after a semester or two.

He keeps threatening to drop out of college. He actually did successfully drop out a week ago... only to re-enroll 2 days later. The real thing that preempted the 'fuck it' attitude this time was getting a B on a test (no, I'm not joking). This back-and-forth has been going on for at least a week. He'll talk about dropping out then 4-5 hours later he'll start talking about grad school. Same day, entirely different outlook.

All this said I LOVE HIM so much. I'm so ready to be with him the rest of my life but I want him to succeed at his full potential. I know it's easy to say that you think your partner is genius but it's basically a fact that he IS a genius. Near perfect scores on the standardizes test he has taken. I honestly feel his intelligence is partially why he refuses to move forward and just deal with things. He expects to be the top of the top and when he isn't he just gives up. I don't know. Has anybody dealt with a problem like this? I feel like I'm on a huge roller-coaster.

Plus, he expresses that my frustration is somehow 'shallow' because I want someone else to depend on financially. In reality I just want him to reach his full potential. Yes, I've told him my real reasons for disappointment in his attitude.

Any experience or opinions would be so helpful. Thanks.
Click to expand...

I don't think wanting to be able to depend on him is shallow , I mean depending also has a financial component , that's just the world we live in.

What else, yes I'm probably like this too , intelligent but unable to do anything if i can't be the best and then i get entangled into details and just give up. I actually have Asperger but i think a lot of smart guys have some form of it (in fact all guys have traits of it but it's especially noticeable with "geniuses")
 
he sounds a bit like I used to be... over inflated sense of self importance and pretty much knowing it all, without needing to be reminded or informed of my bad decisions. I am still the same,but have learned to "play the game" that brilliance alone will not create success, and that there are ways to get to where you want to be by using the system for you, rather than fighting it.
He may also be trying to hide his lack of a life plan, which is a very important thing, probably as important as intelligence in the big picture. I know a lot of people that have done well i the world with less smarts than me, but with a direction to channel their smarts.
 
connard said:
lol he sounds like a child not a sociopath.
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this

i used to go to school with this guy and he would always scrap his drawings and bin them if they weren't what he wanted when you get marks in uk art gcse for showing the development of your drawings (this has the effect of making your drawings not good by having to conform to practise drawings so the inspiration was gone for the final piece which was often just a half hearted regurgitation-i digress:))

a real adult could accept that they might not get the mark they wanted.

what job is he going to get after all this studying.VERY IMPORTANT

studying for the sake of it is fun but very expensive. there has to be a realistic endgoal
 
This post is like three years old. I'm guessing the situation has changed since them.
 
Lol you didn't bump it :p

I'm going to close this. If the OP would like it re-opened then she can PM me or another mod, but I kinda doubt it. :)
 
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