Alcoholism Thread V. ti martwonies

[Jamshyd]

Day 5 without a single drink. I think this is progress, even if bolstered by generous helpings of benzos and some codeine for a good measure.

I got admitted to the ER sunday night for internal bleeding due to ulcer AND esophagal wound. I'd bled so much without noticing that I was fainting when I called my parents to come take me to the hospital.

I had to receive 2 blood transfusions. After 2 days of extensive monitoring and completely empty and acid-free stomach, the wounds healed, and I was discharged.

While the alcohol was not the only reason for these problems, it definitely was a large part of it. I seem to have developed an aversion to it, the same way I did for amphetamine when I had an angina from an overdose.

I still crave a glass of wine, but that craving is purely gastronomic, not psychoactive...

I hope I can persevere. I feel so desperate these days. I think I am failing my school program that I've been working so hard for....

 

[RedLeader]

I am sorry to hear about this recent event, Jammy. However, 5 days is 5 days! That's almost a week, and a great start. I hope you can keep it up. Not having the psychoactive craving is something I think a lot of us envy. Do you have a secret!? j/k

phactor - Good to hear you didn't make this Thanksgiving like last year's. Also glad to hear about your continued progress.

D's - How you doing, man? Have you been able to get some sleep?

 

[Ds]

hey RL, no not at all man, I'm facing some serious tough life changing decisons coming up.
Probly going to move out west, I haven't gone any further that Texas, so wonder how this is going to work out.
Havn't been eating well, and sleeping at all. Pushing almost 4 days no sleep, and I'm sober!
Hey atleast I'm sober, it's not all the other stuff I have to work on.
My parents hate me, my family hates me.
My thanksgiving was spent in my dorm room, eating ramen noodles. I was thankful I have a such caring family! (being sarcastic.)
Things are looking rough for me at the moment, facing some jail time coming up.
Ugh shit sucks man.

 

[Mariposa]

Day 5 without a single drink. I think this is progress, even if bolstered by generous helpings of benzos and some codeine for a good measure.

I got admitted to the ER sunday night for internal bleeding due to ulcer AND esophagal wound. I'd bled so much without noticing that I was fainting when I called my parents to come take me to the hospital.

I had to receive 2 blood transfusions. After 2 days of extensive monitoring and completely empty and acid-free stomach, the wounds healed, and I was discharged.

While the alcohol was not the only reason for these problems, it definitely was a large part of it. I seem to have developed an aversion to it, the same way I did for amphetamine when I had an angina from an overdose.

I still crave a glass of wine, but that craving is purely gastronomic, not psychoactive...

I hope I can persevere. I feel so desperate these days. I think I am failing my school program that I've been working so hard for....

Jammy, this breaks my heart to read. I am so glad you made it through. You know I am here for you anytime.

I am SO GLAD you have stayed clean, man. I know how tough it is. I had wine on Thanksgiving but that's been it.

I'm starting to get the aversive feelings too, and am up early with a nice cup of Cuban espresso. There is no alcohol in the house and I still can't really walk or drive to get it anyways, and the family would KILL me if I did.

Jammy, if I can sit here (and I think you know that there is more to my situation than what I am willing to write here) and type this to you, maybe I just have enough hope to share with all of us alkies. I am glad you are on benzos (and hella jealous of the codeine). The key to success for me has been busting my ass to finish my own academic program, eating and sleeping normally, and lots of hugs.

I hope you are healing, Jammy. No one deserves happiness more than you, and happiness - lasting happiness - can never be found in a bottle. I fear I should take my own advice in this regard, and I thank you for coming forward here. I'm going to meet you sometime next summer, (either June or August) and you need to do it up well and proper with me and my friends to the north!

Be well, my friend - you WILL get through this.

 

[Cyc]

Jam, I know I sort of flaked on you the other week, but I think school was doing a number on the both of us. I'm sorry to hear about your health and I'm glad you're making progress.

Oh, and if you're ever in a pinch for V*****, you have my cell.

 

[Cyc]

The thing that pisses me off so much is that I'm so damn functional while drinking. I ref. volleyball at a licensed facility and I keep my water bottle spiked with vodka. I couldn't imagine standing up on that podium and making calls without a buzz. Yet my drunk ass gets called every week to ref another tournament.

I'm considering reffing another one tonight just so I have an excuse to drink. It's either that, or pop 1/2 a valium, cook dinner and study for my upcoming exam with 1/2 a 5th of vodka in the freezer, calling my name all night long.

Make money and get drunk, or study and suffer withdrawal.

Argghh!!

 

[TippyCup4Life]

Damn, fills me with emotion to hear about other people really going through that peculiar hell of drinking and barely holding on. One hand on the ledge, the other clutching a bottle.
That sounds really serious Jamshyd, in fact that's one of the things counselors, therapists, etc warned me could be a likely cause of death if I myself continued drinking. Esophageal bleeding, that's really scary stuff.
Please keep fighting as hard as you can. Meet this damn thing on the field and finish it off.
You too Cyc, trying to juggle those two lives and being able to do it is the loneliest feeling in the world- at least for me it was- talk about Pyrrhic victory.
To be able to do that speaks volumes about character, brains, perseverance... it's just totally in the wrong direction as you well know.
God I hate to know people are going through that mental and physical pain at this very moment, I relive the pain and anger- sucks that as alcoholics it's often our extremely empathetic nature that makes life so hard for us in the first place.
It's a gift and the bane of existence.
I wish there was more I could do then tell you what you already know!
Fight. Don't give up. People survive. People make it through this alive.

I forgot to add that I'm on the last days of a long taper from a 2yr pod addiction. I hear songs on the radio in the morning that make me cry, photographs that make me weep, sunrises that bring tears to my eye-- to be able to feel again, it's the most incredible thing and I love it, out of character as it is. It brings my empathetic tendencies to high-def clarity. Happy or sad, as long as I'm feeling things I know where I am again.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

I drink pretty much when i wake. I will have a beer. or two. eat. then sneak two more. then wait acouple hours then at night i will get full blown drunk. 4-6 more beers and some shots and some opiates and maybe a xany. Then do it all over. I dont have a job right now no car no girl no nothing so what the fuck else am i suppose to do hahahaha. it sucks ><

my real problem is opiates though god i love those little guys mmmmmm. But when id ont have them i drink like a fish. and when i have them i drink some before i take them to feel them more. then when i peak on the opiates i drink more to keep the buzz going. Plus i dont eat to feel the effects of opiates and liquor more. I mean i wish i could eat but i cant unless i am fucked up. bad cycle. im only 22

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

Damn, fills me with emotion to hear about other people really going through that peculiar hell of drinking and barely holding on. One hand on the ledge, the other clutching a bottle.
That sounds really serious Jamshyd, in fact that's one of the things counselors, therapists, etc warned me could be a likely cause of death if I myself continued drinking. Esophageal bleeding, that's really scary stuff.
Please keep fighting as hard as you can. Meet this damn thing on the field and finish it off.
You too Cyc, trying to juggle those two lives and being able to do it is the loneliest feeling in the world- at least for me it was- talk about Pyrrhic victory.
To be able to do that speaks volumes about character, brains, perseverance... it's just totally in the wrong direction as you well know.
God I hate to know people are going through that mental and physical pain at this very moment, I relive the pain and anger- sucks that as alcoholics it's often our extremely empathetic nature that makes life so hard for us in the first place.
It's a gift and the bane of existence.
I wish there was more I could do then tell you what you already know!
Fight. Don't give up. People survive. People make it through this alive.

I forgot to add that I'm on the last days of a long taper from a 2yr pod addiction. I hear songs on the radio in the morning that make me cry, photographs that make me weep, sunrises that bring tears to my eye-- to be able to feel again, it's the most incredible thing and I love it, out of character as it is. It brings my empathetic tendencies to high-def clarity. Happy or sad, as long as I'm feeling things I know where I am again.

jsut a note those random weepings and full blown emotional episodes will fade with time. Its part of the withdraw. Its all fun at first. pretty soon they will leave and the mental withdraws will start. Just be strong and get threw those , and those might take 1+years

 

[Ds]

seeing how drunk my roomates were, and them having headaches makes me think how good it feels to be sober.

I did think about drinking one of their nasty green apple beers, and thought about this chocolate peanut butter cake i was making.

So far thinking about food takes my mind off of drinking, lol.

feels good!

 

[Mariposa]

green apple beers? *shudders*

Still sober, still thankful to be, healing slowly but surely. Having nothing in the house to drink really, really helps.

 

[Mariposa]

Cyc, trying to juggle those two lives and being able to do it is the loneliest feeling in the world- at least for me it was- talk about Pyrrhic victory.
To be able to do that speaks volumes about character, brains, perseverance... it's just totally in the wrong direction as you well know.
God I hate to know people are going through that mental and physical pain at this very moment, I relive the pain and anger- sucks that as alcoholics it's often our extremely empathetic nature that makes life so hard for us in the first place.
It's a gift and the bane of existence.
I wish there was more I could do then tell you what you already know!
Fight. Don't give up. People survive. People make it through this alive.

Wise words, and Cyc, I totally identify. I am not a ref, but I used a similar trick and for the most part I avoided detection, which is what made it so bad. TCFL, good luck with the pods, that from what I hear is a very nasty addiction to kick.

 

[Wings of wax]

I don't get how you guys can exercise and drink regularly. If I drink, I get really lazy and physically weak, not just on the days I drink. The fatigue is overpowering.

 

[phactor]

I don't get how you guys can exercise and drink regularly. If I drink, I get really lazy and physically weak, not just on the days I drink. The fatigue is overpowering.

Drink less I guess. Last night I left the bar after having two because I wanted to lift today. If I had kept drinking I'd wake up feeling like garbage, unable to work out and with less money.

I need to look at it this way, because I am also really good at romanticizing drug use/drinking.

 

[Ds]

The urges are starting to go away now, I'm actually grateful that I put it down so early. My older sister told me that my parents just yelled at each other drunk on thanksgiving about who burnt the mac n cheese.

I tell my self now that I don't want to be like that when I get older.

I still see my room mates and "acquaintances" drink heavily, and it feels good to be a little more responsible then they are (at the moment), and watching how they get headaches, and hangovers.

Plus it feels good to be the Designated Driver for once.

 

[RedLeader]

Plus i dont eat to feel the effects of opiates and liquor more. I mean i wish i could eat but i cant unless i am fucked up. bad cycle.

Ya, not eating to further the high/intoxication is another one of the real tell-tale signs of dependence. I notice that in my worst stages, I I do this all of the time. For example, if I would go out to a bar with friends, I wouldn't order food as well so that I could get more "bang for my buck" with drinking. Also, I've used "food chasers" that I knew would be so small as to not damper my high. And when you're getting that picky about the food thing, it really is not a good sign. I am sorry you are falling into that pattern

Still sober, still thankful to be, healing slowly but surely. Having nothing in the house to drink really, really helps.

We are exact opposites on this! If I have nothing in the place to drink, I freak out and *have* to go buy something. The whole "safety net" thing. When I am at my worst is when I am buying alcohol on a daily basis, where I am buying "just enough to get through the night...plus a bit more." But, and it's a strange move on my part that I would only recommend to fellow oddballs like myself, I can go on these long sober streaks when I know that I have "enough" at home that I don't have to worry about the pressure of having to go out and buy more the next day, if I do slip up. And it gives me power - being able to look over at a bottle and tell it "not today," as opposed to feeling trapped by thoughts of being empty. Strange how our behaviors can be so different!

I don't get how you guys can exercise and drink regularly. If I drink, I get really lazy and physically weak, not just on the days I drink. The fatigue is overpowering.

It's a tough balance. Really, I guess when I do pull this off, I know it like clockwork just how much I can drink the previous night and "survive" a workout session, and whatnot. But really, the sad thought is when you think of how much further you would be in gym if you were not drinking at all. How many extra minutes, sets, etc. you are putting in to account for the "alcohol handicap."

To be honest, I have no idea how some of these "musclehead" types often seen at clubs and such can party so hard and so often and still maintain that physique. I guess some people are just born that way

 

[Cyc]

Ya, not eating to further the high/intoxication is another one of the real tell-tale signs of dependence. I notice that in my worst stages, I I do this all of the time. For example, if I would go out to a bar with friends, I wouldn't order food as well so that I could get more "bang for my buck" with drinking. Also, I've used "food chasers" that I knew would be so small as to not affect might high. And when you're getting that picky about the food thing, it really is not a good sign. I am sorry you are falling into that pattern

I just got back from the pub and did the exact same thing. I find any amount of serious eating completely destroys my alcohol buzz and makes me tired and cranky. I find that you need to eat just enough to keep your stomach from feeling sour, but not so much that you feel torpor.

I did save some money though picking at my friend's plates.

We are exact opposites on this! If I have nothing in the place to drink, I freak out and *have* to go buy something. The whole "safety net" thing. When I am at my worst is when I am buying alcohol on a daily basis, where I am buying "just enough to get through the night...plus a bit more." But, and it's a strange move on my part that I would only recommend to fellow oddballs like myself, I can go on these long sober streaks when I know that I have "enough" at home that I don't have to worry about the pressure of having to go out and buy more the next day, if I do slip up. And it gives me power - being able to look over at a bottle and tell it "not today," as opposed to feeling trapped by thoughts of being empty. Strange how our behaviors can be so different!

I am very much the same way. I sometimes take the bottle out of the freezer, put it back and I say the exact same thing. "Not today." But yes, it's there if I need it.

It's a tough balance. Really, I guess when I do pull this off, I know it like clockwork just how much I can drink the previous night and "survive" a workout session, and whatnot. But really, the sad thought is when you think of how much further you would be in gym if you were not drinking at all. How many extra minutes, sets, etc. you are putting in to account for the "alcohol handicap."

Physical exercise kills my alcohol cravings pretty good. I haven't been hitting the gym much, but I do play competitive volleyball and I actually dislike being drunk while playing. Reffing is another matter. heh.

 

[RedLeader]

I just got back from the pub and did the exact same thing. I find any amount of serious eating completely destroys my alcohol buzz and makes me tired and cranky. I find that you need to eat just enough to keep your stomach from feeling sour, but not so much that you feel torpor.

I did save some money though picking at my friend's plates.

The food thing is crazy, I tell you! "Masterminding" the trade-off between alcohol and food just endlessly complicates the anxiety side of alcoholism. What I mentioned above, but also thoughts like If I have a sandwich right now, I *know* my stomach can handle 1.5x the alcohol it would have if I didn't have the sandwich, and even though the sandwich will kill the buzz by a few stanard drinks, it's a net gain on the side of intoxication if I do eat it... I mean that's just nutty thinking!

And when you force yourself to become hyper-rational about things like that, you then desire more alcohol to "give the rationality a silencer." The more focused you become on all of the variables that go into producing the greatest intoxication, the more you then have to deal with drinking ALSO to counter this hyper-vigilance. It's just BAD.

And I know what you mean about being more focused when "buzzing." I don't judge volleyball, but I do feel like I write so much better if buzzing, am able to read books with more enjoyment, be more interested in stuff, and so on. Often a lot of the things I have no motivations to do sober (but wish I did), I get motivation to do drunk, but it would be a bad idea for me to attempt to act on these ambitions while drunk. Which ultimately just makes me feel sad.

 

[Jamshyd]

^ I totally third this as well, 'posa/cyc. Seeing that it takes miracles to actually get me hammered-drunk, I can actually binge-drink on absolut 100 and be perfectly functional. In fact, I taught a lesson and performed two counselling practises, all of which I got A's and B's on, all on amounts of alcohol that would have your average college student floored in a puddle of vomit.

---

Thank you so very much for your kind words, my friends. You really do help, since I only have 3 supports in real life, 2 of whom are parents who I don't want to hurt more with my own problems.

I am happy to say that I am now entering day 7 of absolutely no alcohol - and what's more, absolutely no craving for the alcohol buzz. The only thing I crave is the taste of a glass of Massi Massiano (one of my favourite Italian whites).

I have made (as in sat down and wrote) a list that I hope will solidify my belief that binging on hard liquor does nothing but damage to me. I'd like to share it with you guys. Feel free to critique, add to it, or use it to help yourselves if you find it at all helpful .

ALCOHOL (Mostly hard liquor, binging):

Pros:
- Temporary relief from stress/pain
- Easily obtainable drug – covers for lack of other drugs
- Easy sleep
- Great flavours and food items (Wine and Beer)
- Ability to socialize in large gatherings and difficult social situations
- Greater acceptance as an immigrant in a foreign society
- Occasional poetic inspiration

Cons:
- Too expensive – could have saved up for a dream trip with the money spent just the last 2 months.
- Organic damage (contributed to ulcer bleeding and hospitalization)
- Nausea, vomiting, low blood sugar
- Constant hangover
- Rebound anxiety
- Risk of needing to sneak a drink at work
- Lowered overall health and immunity
- Vitamin/mineral deficiencies
- Poor Sexual performance (For example, I absolutely love giving head while sober, but I suck at it while drunk... no pun intended)
- Some Stigma (especially for odour)
- Neglect of personal hygiene and appearance
- Neglect of home
- Neglect of social responsibilities to friends and families
- Mistreatment of loved ones
- Depression over helplessness
- Decreased motivation
- Poor academic performance
- Blackouts

It is clear as the sun that I am doing myself absolutely no favour by binging on hard liquor. The sad thing is that I know exactly why I did what I did... its because I am still addicted to drugs in general and alcohol is the easiest to get.

 

[RedLeader]

its because I am still addicted to drugs in general and alcohol is the easiest to get.

I very easily could say the exact same thing.