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The science and technology jokes thread...

duck_racer

duck_racer

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..and who said geeks weren't funny, eh?

A couple to start off which I found in a group on facebook. I'm ashamed to say all of these made me laugh out loud =D

My name is Bond, Ionic Bond;
Taken, not shared!
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why did heisenberg have such a bad love life? whenever he had the position he didn't have the momentum, whenever he had the time he didn't have the energy.
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"Damnn girl, you capture me like a microtubule does a kinetochore in metaphase..."
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(Try this in a bar - it's a failsafe ;) )

A mitochondria walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer.

The barman says "that'll be 80p"
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how do you make a hormone?

don't pay her
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If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could Unzip Your Genes....


It's no surprise all scientists live on their own in secluded towers, going insane

=D =D
 
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
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Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. It's a hardware problem.
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A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologist: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
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Did you hear about the Coder that got stuck in his shower for a week?
The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.
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So a software engineer, a hardware engineer and their manager are in the car going to an expo in their rental car. To get there they must navigate a treacherous mountain road. While they are coming down a steep and narrow incline the car's brakes go out. The car starts going way too fast and they all fear this will be the end of their lives. But somehow the driver manages to not careen off the road and the manage glide to a stop once safely down the hill.

They all get out and catch their breath for a minute.

The manager is first to speak, "Well, let me get my cell phone so I can call the tow truck to take it to the garage."

The hardware engineer says, "No, no, no, just pop the hood and we can fix the problem ourselves."

The software engineer says, "Guys, just wait. Before we do anything we should take it up the hill and see if it happens again!"
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Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
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That's all I've got.
 
heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop. the cop says "do you have any idea how fast you were going?" heisenberg replies "no. but i know exactly where i am!"

later, his wife asks him why he was so late coming home. he replied "it was weird - i glanced down at my speedometer and suddenly had no idea where i was"

an atom is walking down the street. he says to his friend "shit! i've lost an electron". the friend says "are you sure?". the atom says "yep - i'm positive!"

:)

alasdair
 
Can't really call this a specific S&T joke, but it is set in space. And, for the record, I have nothing but love for A&M, but Aggie jokes are a Texas tradition. There. ;)

This joke is a little funnier when spoken, especially since I'm probably butchering it a bit...but the PL is the same:

An Aggie and a monkey are launched into orbit to do a series of experiments. Whenever a green light flashes, the monkey will get a series of orders that he has to carry out. Whenever a red light flashes, the Aggie will get a series of orders that he must carry out.

The first day, the green light is the only one that flashes, so the Aggie just sits around. He isn't bothered though, because hey--it's only the first day of mission of several days.

The second day, the green light is the only one flashing, so the monkey does everything. Now he's getting a little restless, because he didn't go through months of grueling training for nothing. Nonetheless, he holds out hope that he'll get to do *something* before long.

The third day, once more only the green light flashes. By the end of the day, he's at the end of his rope, and he's just about to send a nasty-gram to Mission Control when the red light flashes. Overjoyed, he reads his orders:

FEED THE MONKEY


:D
 
Making fun of the top internet tech news/social sites:

Delicious:
delicious.jpg


Reddit:
reddit.jpg


Slashdot:
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Digg
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Not Related:
FullImage_200593012528_307-731143.jpg
 
How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They simply declare darkness to be an industry standard.
 
Adenosine Triphosphate = ATP, the energy "currency" of life, generated by mitochondria.

ATP .... eighty p.

I didn't get it either, at first, till you made me think about it.
 
Chemist, Biologist and Physicist are at the beach, watching the sunset.
Biologist says, "wow, look at the ocean, full of life and beauty. Oh look, some dolphins! I'm going to swim out to them!"
He runs into the water, swims for a while and eventually disappears.
A little later, physicist says, "Wow, look at the waves, the refraction of the light off of the water, the sound of the sea. A rainbow! I'm going to swim out to it!"
He runs into the water, swims for a while and disappears.
Chemist says, "Note, biologists and physicists soluble in water."


If you're not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate
 
Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.

Q. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A. One molar solution.

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

:)
 
God fucking damn I'm such a loser! This is all making me giggle uncontrollably.... :D

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.


Oh, I forgot my favorite lab poem:

Little timmy took a drink
But he will drink no more
For what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4
 
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