Cocaine Cocaine is Hell

[hwbush336]

I hate cocaine anymore... Id much rather do some raw heroin

 

[Fire&Water]

Cocaine is great medicine

get a clue

 

[Ex-Cracker]

Just wanted to talk about my experience with the drug and look for similar ones, even though it's all been said countless times. This drug is just so brutal, because once it wears off and you get rested you are basically the same and ready for more. And when you are in a binge, you just keep pushing the limits to the point of psychosis, money issues, acting sketchy and weird and just feeling miserable. I was puking all morning, thinking this must be the breaking point, but then a couple hours of sleep later I'm ready for more. I've never messed with opiates, but I at least would appreciate a high that incapacitates you rather than turn you into a lunatic compulsively dosing every 5, 10, 20 minutes, depending on the user. It hasn't wrecked my life yet, but that amazes me. It really is much harder than dealing with reality but once you get a taste it is an escape from reality that you can't escape. It had its uses early on, but if you get too accustomed to having it and have a more "difficult" mind (things to work through, a feeling that life is a game, and a curiosity towards life that leads you to experiment past where you should) it really becomes a prison. This isn't a cry for help or anything, and I'm definitely not implying that I'll try downers as a substitute, I think those would take me down faster honestly because the shame and compulsiveness with cocaine regulates me more than a numbing style of drug would I'm sure. I just wanted to get this out there, especially if anybody is considering trying the drug. No bueno, and the purer it gets the worse it gets IMO. The shit I have now is so pure that you go cuckoo for coco puffs within the first hour of the session and if you have a good amount the drug just starts doing you. Just total misery, combined with some fleeting ecstasy that you'll dream about and think about more than the best girlfriend you've ever had. Which is really saying something for most people.

Agreed, I have yesterday made my decision and first steps in ending my 15 years of crack, thrown the pipes in the refuse, gone shopping for food and getting some more decent food later today with the all the cash I have left, deleted and blocked both my dealers numbers, I posted a thread in health and recovery about it

 

[pixies+]

Agreed, I have yesterday made my decision and first steps in ending my 15 years of crack, thrown the pipes in the refuse, gone shopping for food and getting some more decent food later today with the all the cash I have left, deleted and blocked both my dealers numbers, I posted a thread in health and recovery about it

I wish you ALL the success in the world!!

Have you decided to go to a rehab or do you have things set up so you can be comfy at home?

 

[RobustTuna]

I spent about three weeks severely addicted to cocaine. I had great connects. Delivered. A couple thousand bucks. A birthday and no friends to celebrate with on earth.

No

Cocaine fucking saved me.

I had those couple thousands and a connect for high quality heroin and a raging heroin addiction with the only person holding me accountable to stop being a woman whom would leave our seven years by text message.

I decided that I’d rather play roulettte with the cocaine than to just buy a couple ounces of junk.

So I bought a quad and an eighth and then started second guessing the behavior trying to wind down. Started buying grams. One night. Girlfriend came over.

She notices I’m not sleeping at one point.
I’m kicking and twitching and tossing and turning. I’ve been concealing that I’ve spent the last two three weeks on a constant cocaine Intake.

She says to me

I know. I know about the cocaine. If you’re just going to fucking sit there convulsing why don’t you try doing a bump and see if it gets better.

Out comes the gram bag. A little bump felt about like a benzodiazapine.

It was as if every muscle in my body just relaxed. My heart calmed down. My good senses returned to me and I just felt the cranking ratchet of stress leave my immediate area.

I was at peace. From the hell of a physical dependency built up over about an ounce in two weeks to the complete obviation of any signs of the discomfort that was two minutes before incapable of being ignored.

I felt ashamed.
I felt stupid.

But I also felt free from heroin. I had made it through my birthday without spending all my money on brown. But I had spent it all on white. Paid a light price compared to what you all have paid.

But I’ll never forget the feeling of that bump. I’ve never felt such a powerful suspension of stress. Ever. Even after taking Xanax for a decade.

Xanax doesn’t even compare to the relief of a good bump when you’re so fucking stressed your hearts going to pop.

Homie I’m fucked up homie you fucked up but if god got us then we gonna be alright

Blow and gambling go together hand in hand like a bow legged woman and a knock kneed man.

 

[justme6263]

Just wanted to talk about my experience with the drug and look for similar ones, even though it's all been said countless times. This drug is just so brutal, because once it wears off and you get rested you are basically the same and ready for more. And when you are in a binge, you just keep pushing the limits to the point of psychosis, money issues, acting sketchy and weird and just feeling miserable. I was puking all morning, thinking this must be the breaking point, but then a couple hours of sleep later I'm ready for more. I've never messed with opiates, but I at least would appreciate a high that incapacitates you rather than turn you into a lunatic compulsively dosing every 5, 10, 20 minutes, depending on the user. It hasn't wrecked my life yet, but that amazes me. It really is much harder than dealing with reality but once you get a taste it is an escape from reality that you can't escape. It had its uses early on, but if you get too accustomed to having it and have a more "difficult" mind (things to work through, a feeling that life is a game, and a curiosity towards life that leads you to experiment past where you should) it really becomes a prison. This isn't a cry for help or anything, and I'm definitely not implying that I'll try downers as a substitute, I think those would take me down faster honestly because the shame and compulsiveness with cocaine regulates me more than a numbing style of drug would I'm sure. I just wanted to get this out there, especially if anybody is considering trying the drug. No bueno, and the purer it gets the worse it gets IMO. The shit I have now is so pure that you go cuckoo for coco puffs within the first hour of the session and if you have a good amount the drug just starts doing you. Just total misery, combined with some fleeting ecstasy that you'll dream about and think about more than the best girlfriend you've ever had. Which is really saying something for most people.

Mate I really feel for you - as much as you say it isn't a cry for help, maybe thats just what you need?

I can relate - I spent years sniffing coke, partying, then using at pubs when friends weren't and just having a quiet few pints, then using at home alone, then getting into massive, huge amounts of debt with dealers and with credit companies. My mind starting to break slowly and then quicker and quicker. For me it lead to the use of crack and then it progressed even quicker and turned me into a paranoid mess with the need for it at a ridiculous level to the point where I would do anything to get it. Now, whenever I use that paranoia comes back instantly but I can't stop; no matter what I cannot stop, Then comes the downers (personally heroin) and I urge you to not go down the 'downer' route to manage the chaos because ime it just get even worse, even darker, even more lonely. Its fucking hard mate, it isn't easy once you've got to the point it seems you have. Life is colourless, life becomes slavery.

There are ways to access support and help, it will work if you allow it to work and listen to the people who offer help - most of them have been there and done it, came out the other side and offer that opportunity to us who are in the darkness. You've taken a step to accept things aren't working as it was and thats good. Please look into what is offered locally - you don't want to waste years unhappy and knowing the next bag won't work it will just be another step along a lonely and sad path.

I really do hope you find happiness and I am here if you ever want a dm chat. I've been threre and done it - failed many times and tried again and failed and tried. Keep trying, thats the key, just keep trying and you will get your life back.

Benzo and opiate as a route to sooth the cocaine pain is horrendous, honestly it is worse than you could ever imagine. Its nothing like you would be able to imagine. I pray you never find out how bad things can get - they sound bad enough already.

 

[justme6263]

My dream is to get to a point where I work every minute of every day to be able to say, "I would turn down 50 kilos of the purest coke around for free, just because I know it would kill me and drive me insane". I think that kind of shift in mindset is possible, and I'd imagine a lot of recovering addicts have the mentality that they would turn down free cocaine because they did the mental work to reinforce that the drug has nothing to offer beyond misery. And the craving would still be there, I just know if I could get a mountain of coke for free at this point I would take it, it would take so much work to get to the point where I know I would turn that down. Kudos to those who have quit, it is a miserable an alienating experience especially if you're mainly around square people you have to hide it from.

That dream is possible and it is within your grasp, you just need to accept and ask for help from those of us who have been there and live that dream (I currently am not there, I'm in active addiction, but I've had spells of that life and it is beautiful).

It takes work though and a lot of damn hard work, difficult and for some scary work. For a while it is daily, hourly work, then it becomes second nature until you forget its the work (whatever that is) is what keeps you living that dream.

 

[justme6263]

Agreed, I have yesterday made my decision and first steps in ending my 15 years of crack, thrown the pipes in the refuse, gone shopping for food and getting some more decent food later today with the all the cash I have left, deleted and blocked both my dealers numbers, I posted a thread in health and recovery about it

I am beyond happy for you, fucking fair play brother. Connect with others, connect with good people who have strong recovery.

 

[justme6263]

I hate cocaine anymore... Id much rather do some raw heroin

Cocaine destroyed my mind - turned me insane. Heroin saved me and then took everything coke left behind and ruined my life completely. Just my experience

 

[pixies+]

Cocaine destroyed my mind - turned me insane. Heroin saved me and then took everything coke left behind and ruined my life completely. Just my experience

I relate. Not with h, but with Dilaudid. Up down, up down.
Takes a toll.

If someone had told me this was the direction my life was going to go in when I was a teenager, I would never have believed it. I never dreamed I was capable of doing the things I’ve done in my life.

Bad decision after bad decision.

Coke gives me instant paranoia as well. 3 seconds of “bliss” then hours and hours of torture.
Pills give me “bliss” for a couple hours. Then it’s days and days of torture.

I can’t say I’d want to give up the things I’ve learned… many valuable things, no doubt. But what’s the point of learning things if you sit on your ass and make no changes? Or allow yourself to stay trapped.
I’ve hurt many people in my life. Still do. I’d like to say I’m trying to be better.. but I don’t believe myself. I’m in a rut and I’m not choosing to fight the way I have before. I’m allowing all the shit things that have been done to me and how I’ve played into it all, to drown whatever good intentions I have in my heart and soul.

I’m tired. Due to some unfortunate life circumstances, every time I admit I need help I get more things taken from me. Im
Punished for being a hurt human - I think I can still call myself that

I try to make it through the days by saying fuck it, so many people have it so much worse. That doesn’t comfort me. I find that to be kind of a mean way to look at life. I dunno. What the fuck do I know.

I don’t give the best advice in the world. I do like to try. I wish I could listen to some of my own shitty advice. Maybe I could improve.. even just a little Here’s to hoping.

 

[drewbocop]

Yeah, man. I left that shit behind 20+ years ago. When we were young we did a lot of it, and I got it for free because my coke buddy's uncle was a big dealer and user. Every weekend we'd party and both get a free 8ball. It got shitty for me quickly, where it was basically just anxiety and mania. Who knows what was in it, probably speed. Sometimes it was pretty obvious as it didn't wear off quick enough. Too expensive and too short and if you're prone to anxiety and paranoia, one of the worst decisions you can make. Recipe for disaster.

Edit: Just remembered lol, in 2013 I did something profoundly stupid and withdrawaled off all high doses of diazepam, etizolam, gabapentin, and kratom all at once for 38 days. Right when my dementia and insanity was wearing off I ran into that same buddy because I had moved back home briefly and got in trouble. I thought I was hallucinating because it was my friend and we were both waiting to go to court and he had fucking coke ON HIM. I literally thought I was tripping, but it was real.

 

[danosaurous22]

The paranoia is so real. It is so absurd the lengths you will go to to believe that the worst possible thing is going to happen, and when you are hallucinating just out of the corner of your eye and tuned in on every single sound your life just becomes a straight up horror movie. Recently I had to sleep in my car in my parking spot because I was so freaked out in my apartment, not realizing that that could've wreaked so much more havoc had somebody caught me and wanted to know what was going on. What a fucking powerful drug, it really makes you loopy and unable to make decisions in a rational way. I can only imagine what meth would do to someone like me who chases that high even in the midst of freaking the fuck out.

 

[CavernsoftheMind]

Reading this thread makes me glad I don't like cocaine that much.

Everytime I try it again & get half a gram at a rave or something I regret spending that much money on a mid high that lasts so short I need half a gram just for one night.

I really wonder how it feels like for people that get heavily addicted to it.

The only times I've enjoyed it was when I got a line for free at a festival.

 

[danosaurous22]

I've known people who get addicted to it in a night life kind of way- crazy parties, lots of alcohol, lots of socializing. But if you get into it alone and buy it for yourself, it becomes a total mindfuck where you will almost see yourself in the third person, doing things you know you shouldn't and would never have done otherwise and justifying it even when you've been sober for a week because you've seen life for how shallow it is and its pleasures for how readily available they really are. The worst part is this will instill a certain confidence in you that other people will notice, as you no longer need to impress anyone other than yourself. People pick up on it and you become more magnetic, until you go a little too far over the line and make a fool of yourself/look like a mess. In some ways it really does give you a bit of star power, because you don't care about what anybody or even yourself think. You just care about getting high. So it's freeing in that sense but a prison in that you need a supply of something so expensive, and as time goes on you will quickly experience the absurdly negative side effects of the drugs at a faster and faster rate.

 

[danosaurous22]

I've known people who get addicted to it in a night life kind of way- crazy parties, lots of alcohol, lots of socializing. But if you get into it alone and buy it for yourself, it becomes a total mindfuck where you will almost see yourself in the third person, doing things you know you shouldn't and would never have done otherwise and justifying it even when you've been sober for a week because you've seen life for how shallow it is and its pleasures for how readily available they really are. The worst part is this will instill a certain confidence in you that other people will notice, as you no longer need to impress anyone other than yourself. People pick up on it and you become more magnetic, until you go a little too far over the line and make a fool of yourself/look like a mess. In some ways it really does give you a bit of star power, because you don't care about what anybody or even yourself think. You just care about getting high. So it's freeing in that sense but a prison in that you need a supply of something so expensive, and as time goes on you will quickly experience the absurdly negative side effects of the drugs at a faster and faster rate.

For me addiction has also always been partially about challenging myself. I've had so many nights where I know most people would not to be able to pull off a successful day of work after the kind of bender I've been on, or would call in or mess up in some way. There's something about surviving an impossible binge or horrific time and nobody being any the wiser that makes me feel like I have space in my life, a true private life. I know how ridiculous that is, and that other people can tell something is up, but achieving on a high level while managing an addiction feels like it distracts me from the things about life that depress me. It's gotta break at some point though, and I know I'm just one binge away from really altering my life if I don't land on my feet. You see your mind rebuild itself from an impossible low, and it gives you a kind of afterglow. But you forget just how much you suffered and that you really shouldn't have suffered like that.

 

[Generation *DMT*]

If it was me I would make sure j had an out like 5 methoxy nn DMT.

 

[pixies+]

I've known people who get addicted to it in a night life kind of way- crazy parties, lots of alcohol, lots of socializing. But if you get into it alone and buy it for yourself, it becomes a total mindfuck where you will almost see yourself in the third person, doing things you know you shouldn't and would never have done otherwise and justifying it even when you've been sober for a week because you've seen life for how shallow it is and its pleasures for how readily available they really are. The worst part is this will instill a certain confidence in you that other people will notice, as you no longer need to impress anyone other than yourself. People pick up on it and you become more magnetic, until you go a little too far over the line and make a fool of yourself/look like a mess. In some ways it really does give you a bit of star power, because you don't care about what anybody or even yourself think. You just care about getting high. So it's freeing in that sense but a prison in that you need a supply of something so expensive, and as time goes on you will quickly experience the absurdly negative side effects of the drugs at a faster and faster rate.

For me, it was so much fun for a few years. The first time I tried it I was totally sober.. and it made me feel “normal” while my friends were obviously high as fucking helllll. It was soothing in some bizarre way. Can’t say I ever had that feeling again.

Tried it at 16, by 18/19 I was a full blown addict, no doubt. Things were messy but still largely fun until I was introduced to iv use at 23/24. THAT is when my life became my very own horror show. Roughly 15 years of off/on iv cocaine/pill use really fucked me.

I feel angry when I think about people that introduce something so evil into someone’s life. I didn’t going looking for it… I was “chosen”, so to speak. He knew I wasn’t going to say no.

 

[jasperkent]

I didn't have serious issues with coke until I IVed it. It was also a very distressing time in my life, I was in my 20s, & I was drinking quite heavily too. Cocaethylene is no joke.

Decades later, I can take it or leave it-- intranasal or sublingual only, no alcohol involved. But with the low-quality garbage I've sampled recently, I'd rather leave it than take it. Fuck that shit. It was always too expensive anyway.

 

[pixies+]

I loved booze and coke. Coke actually helped me get over my alcoholism (to a certain degree anyways) because I needed whatever money I could to blow on coke - not meant to be funny, couldn’t think of a better word.

But the motherfucker that sought me out to get me to have an “experience” was sick and fucked up in his own right. I don’t blame him (sometimes I do) but mostly I blame me. I could’ve said no. No one held me down. No one forced me. I suppose in many ways I welcomed the experience. It felt exciting. Brand new. A new way to get high that was “cleaner”

My life took a quick turn that no one saw coming, including myself. It’s tough learning how to live with those poor choices. I was very fortunate in many ways before that. Then I crumbled. Still trying to pick up the pieces before I destroy what good I do have left in this world.

 

[justme6263]

I've known people who get addicted to it in a night life kind of way- crazy parties, lots of alcohol, lots of socializing. But if you get into it alone and buy it for yourself, it becomes a total mindfuck where you will almost see yourself in the third person, doing things you know you shouldn't and would never have done otherwise and justifying it even when you've been sober for a week because you've seen life for how shallow it is and its pleasures for how readily available they really are. The worst part is this will instill a certain confidence in you that other people will notice, as you no longer need to impress anyone other than yourself. People pick up on it and you become more magnetic, until you go a little too far over the line and make a fool of yourself/look like a mess. In some ways it really does give you a bit of star power, because you don't care about what anybody or even yourself think. You just care about getting high. So it's freeing in that sense but a prison in that you need a supply of something so expensive, and as time goes on you will quickly experience the absurdly negative side effects of the drugs at a faster and faster rate.

I don't agree with this part - every coke head I've come across is a complete narcissist and arsehole when on the shit. Including myself. We look, act and speak like the least charismatic people around. Unless I've missed you point?

EDIT: Just re-read and seen you said the exact same thing, in the same sentence haha. My bad.