Struggling again

[helpingout]

Really wanting to get high. I want something but I know it’s not going to satisfy me. Guess I’m craving heroin again maybe. Or benzos. Or alcohol. I don’t really know. But I’m definitely worn out.

I’m gonna go over to my girlfriend’s house. We’re watching movies tonight and having steaks with Caesar salads with anchovies.

I think I really need to learn some coping skills regarding relaxation. I just can’t seem to get relaxed enough. It’s almost like I want that complete surrender that junk offers but as I am now I’m not getting it.

Working out might help. I’m gonna try that. I’m gonna make this month fitness month I think. Maybe if I’m physically exhausted relaxation might be an easier experience. I really just want to steal my girlfriend’s three hydrocodone or ask her for them. Idk. Maybe I’ll just get some CBD and fucking take a giant dose of it. Idk. I gotta figure something out. Maybe I take too many amphetamines. I just can’t seem to accept that I am as relaxed as I need to be. I’m not anxious. Why do I need a deeper feeling of relaxation ?

 

[chippermonk]

Definitely try the exercise. Twice this week I've been really down and depressed and wanting to get high but forced myself to go out for a hike and came back way happier. Try it and see.
Good luck!

 

[paltatomate]

Maybe if I’m physically exhausted relaxation might be an easier experience.

In any case working out is great for sleep!

 

[Ds]

Hey @helpingout
1 good coping skill that had helped me deal with the last 90 days of inpatient treatment has got to be me journaling. I find it as an out, where almost like I have a therapy session. I'm able to open up, and tell my journal what all I've been dealing with internally and externally (i wouldn't really want anyone else to read it though), but having something like that might help you to just kind of put some thoughts and feelings out on paper, even if you don't really get a reply, it's good just to talk things through with yourself, and sometimes i think that voice that listens and writes replies to my journal is the voice that I've missed because it's always trying to cheer me up and when i write about bad things happening then sometimes I'll try to write the good things too.

Also maybe some mild exercise might help, take a walk, or go someplace that has wildlife or nature, like someplace you could maybe hike to that has something cool at the end. Maybe just getting out, and go somewhere real quiet and do a meditation exercise. Could grab a couple insense sticks and just kinda namaste out there in nature. Wouldn't hurt, and hell might even be a good journal exercise.

I know now when I want to use then I'll immediately reach out and text a friend or 2 or 3, and one of those friends being my close online friend and my other friends are my 2 'irl' friends, i keep them close to talk with and I'll usually text them all through out the day, and it feels good to have someone there that you can text and they text back, or call. Depending on mood, it really helps. & If you don't have anyone like that then Bluelight is a great start in developing those close online friends that can become amazing friendships over time, man if i had a nickel for each friend I've met on here then I'd be loaded! For real though, just a thought.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Are you having sex?

It’s easy to stagnate in a long term relationship and not have sex often; but if you force it you’ll remember how good it was and it will be its own drug

 

[helpingout]

Hey @helpingout
1 good coping skill that had helped me deal with the last 90 days of inpatient treatment has got to be me journaling. I find it as an out, where almost like I have a therapy session. I'm able to open up, and tell my journal what all I've been dealing with internally and externally (i wouldn't really want anyone else to read it though), but having something like that might help you to just kind of put some thoughts and feelings out on paper, even if you don't really get a reply, it's good just to talk things through with yourself, and sometimes i think that voice that listens and writes replies to my journal is the voice that I've missed because it's always trying to cheer me up and when i write about bad things happening then sometimes I'll try to write the good things too.

Also maybe some mild exercise might help, take a walk, or go someplace that has wildlife or nature, like someplace you could maybe hike to that has something cool at the end. Maybe just getting out, and go somewhere real quiet and do a meditation exercise. Could grab a couple insense sticks and just kinda namaste out there in nature. Wouldn't hurt, and hell might even be a good journal exercise.

I know now when I want to use then I'll immediately reach out and text a friend or 2 or 3, and one of those friends being my close online friend and my other friends are my 2 'irl' friends, i keep them close to talk with and I'll usually text them all through out the day, and it feels good to have someone there that you can text and they text back, or call. Depending on mood, it really helps. & If you don't have anyone like that then Bluelight is a great start in developing those close online friends that can become amazing friendships over time, man if i had a nickel for each friend I've met on here then I'd be loaded! For real though, just a thought.

Thank you I appreciate that very much. I absolutely will be taking some of these ideas and putting them into practice. It’s a cold winter day today and it’s snowing. I’m reading a book called the magicians that I’m really enjoying. I have strong compulsion to use today but with the threat of drug testing/letting down the people whom are helping me I’m managing to resist on the idea of delaying the decision and distracting myself. I really do need to step up the physical component though.

That said I’m going to do a journal entry because it’s what I can do in the here and now. I don’t trust myself to give me good advice but I’m just going to bite the bullet and do so because I don’t know what else to do.

Maybe I could walk the dog or something. It’s almost sundown but I have the right equipment on. Could be fun. Could potentially help.

Thank you. I really appreciate your good recovery tools you’ve shared with me.

 

[helpingout]

Are you having sex?

It’s easy to stagnate in a long term relationship and not have sex often; but if you force it you’ll remember how good it was and it will be its own drug

im not in a long term relationship at the moment and I don’t really know how to have a tryst. I mostly have to be in love to come. Or convince myself im in love. I’ll try to get something going

 

[foodcrisis]

something i learned about relaxing sober is i need to take certain types of breathes through the nose to be able to relax correctly. a lot of meditation gurus i think tend to recommend taking too deep breathes when they demonstrate and i think that can raise some people's adrenaline. i was actually reading an article recently about how meditation is bad for some people.... but you want to always be breathing in and out through the nose. either in and out through the nose, or in through the nose and out through the mouth. generally i keep my mouth closed when i'm breathing better... but if you've ever experienced relaxation with proper involuntary breathing, you will want to kind of breath like that. don't really stress yourself out to take deep breaths. just subtly breath like you normally would, but make sure you don't stop pattern. if you do, it's not really a big deal. just the more casually people properly breath through their noses, i think the more relaxed they become... it can be tough to get used to. scientists are actually working on a pill that effects the part of the brain related to involuntary breathing and they want to make a pill that just lets people breath properly with out negative side effects like downers would have. it's supposed to be 10 years till they can even test it, so this is probably a long ways off if they even can figure out how to get that to work.

i tend to forget to breath sometimes, and this leads to heavy anxiety and body tension. if you don't actually forget to breath like me, you might actually be breathing fine and have nothing to worry about.. just if you notice inconsistency in your breathing patterns and certain styles of breathing are when you want drugs more or feel more angsty, thinking about new breathing strategies might help... i said some meditation gurus actually recommend too deep of breathing, but you might also want to try the deeper breathing techniques too. they work wonders for some people, and some people claim to have uplifting meditative experiences.

but like you said exercise, that's always a good way to keep breathing if you are having problems pacing yourself with getting relaxed through just breathing. most people respond well to a good excersie routine and healthy eating.. meditation might not be for everybody.. but there might be some situations you get yourself into where you want to relax and can't exercise.

 

[paltatomate]

Are you having sex?

It’s easy to stagnate in a long term relationship and not have sex often; but if you force it you’ll remember how good it was and it will be its own drug

Any kind of relationship in which I felt forced to have sex would be over in less than second.
I'm taking that the forcing part here is only an unlucky formulation for "motivate yourself to have (more) sex".

 

[helpingout]

Any kind of relationship in which I felt forced to have sex would be over in less than second.
I'm taking that the forcing part here is only an unlucky formulation for "motivate yourself to have (more) sex".

That’s what I took it as. Driving one’s self to have more sex.

Just got back from walking the dog. Going to kick back and read. @lecroute been thinking of you. Sorry I am how I am.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

im not in a long term relationship at the moment and I don’t really know how to have a tryst. I mostly have to be in love to come. Or convince myself im in love. I’ll try to get something going

Oh sorry I thought you were in a relationship.

I wish I never brought it up now because it can be a source of longing. Sorry.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Any kind of relationship in which I felt forced to have sex would be over in less than second.
I'm taking that the forcing part here is only an unlucky formulation for "motivate yourself to have (more) sex".

I have zero sex drive due to decades of opioid use. I wasn’t even that sexual to begin with. So sex does have to be somewhat forced for me….or specifically, the initiation has to be forced….once I get going, it’s engaging and then I enjoy it. But the awkward ness of initiation rather than just jerking off over the toilet to unhorney myself is the thing I have to “force”

Hope that makes sense

 

[paltatomate]

Just got back from walking the dog. Going to kick back and read. @lecroute been thinking of you. Sorry I am how I am.

Walking a dog is an good excuse for almost anything. Don't worry and just be happy being who you are, even if it's not (yet) who you want to be.
Enjoy the kick back!

 

[paltatomate]

I have zero sex drive due to decades of opioid use. I wasn’t even that sexual to begin with. So sex does have to be somewhat forced for me….or specifically, the initiation has to be forced….once I get going, it’s engaging and then I enjoy it. But the awkward ness of initiation rather than just jerking off over the toilet to unhorney myself is the thing I have to “force”

Hope that makes sense

It does make sense.
And I got the meaning, just wanted to make sure everyone else does, too.

 

[helpingout]

I have zero sex drive due to decades of opioid use. I wasn’t even that sexual to begin with. So sex does have to be somewhat forced for me….or specifically, the initiation has to be forced….once I get going, it’s engaging and then I enjoy it. But the awkward ness of initiation rather than just jerking off over the toilet to unhorney myself is the thing I have to “force”

Hope that makes sense

I remember the lack of sex drive being so brutal. I was terrible. Couldn’t fuck without being opiated but didn’t want to fuck because of opiates. Absolutely pissed a whole fucking life away with a woman I loved dearly over junk. Might not have been what I thought it was anyway tho. She broke our 7 years by text message and we haven’t spoken since. I would have reached out but ultimately decided that following my shrinks advice and going no contact was the best thing. Plus I think her whole problem was that I didn’t die when I overdosed and just kind of disappearing from her life lets me in a way truly die. For her benefit.

I’m glad it’s done tho because it seems like she wasn’t being emotionally honest with me about what she was experiencing. Or maybe I’m such a fucking pain to talk to that she felt she couldn’t tell me without me manipulating her to stay. I don’t know what the truth is. I have the short term memory of a donkey. So it makes me a bit of a jack ass.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling stupid, I think that I really would have preferred to not have fucked that relationship up.

I think she just couldn’t get over the guilt of not having called an ambulance for me when I OD’d. Not that I ever made her feel guilty. In my mind she saved my life.

But yeah since overdosing on loperamide and then overdosing on 7oh I haven’t really been able to fuck without feeling like I’m in love. Just doesn’t really work unless my hearts in it.

 

[4DQSAR]

I noted that it took me a good long time to fall asleep without being intoxicated.

It can take a good long time for your body to readjust to those healthy things that result in dopamine release but it does happen eventually.

I guess it's always one day at a time.

BTW my wife told me that there is a sub-set of recovering addicts who live with what is termed 'white-knuckle sobrity' i.e. they don't take it a day at a time but minute by minute. I think I MAY be in that catagory. But right now I have something like 240 oxycontin in my desk drawer - they have been sat there for months. But my own coping mechanism is that I take a certain pleasure in exercising control over my consumption. They are prescribed but I've been able to drop down my use over the last year and slowly, slowly, slowly I've built up that stash.

All I can say is that I find it easier to resist when I HAVE the stuff because I am never in a panic trying to find a 'connect'. It works for me.

I wish you well and hope for your continued success.

 

[helpingout]

I noted that it took me a good long time to fall asleep without being intoxicated.

It can take a good long time for your body to readjust to those healthy things that result in dopamine release but it does happen eventually.

I guess it's always one day at a time.

BTW my wife told me that there is a sub-set of recovering addicts who live with what is termed 'white-knuckle sobrity' i.e. they don't take it a day at a time but minute by minute. I think I MAY be in that catagory. But right now I have something like 240 oxycontin in my desk drawer - they have been sat there for months. But my own coping mechanism is that I take a certain pleasure in exercising control over my consumption. They are prescribed but I've been able to drop down my use over the last year and slowly, slowly, slowly I've built up that stash.

All I can say is that I find it easier to resist when I HAVE the stuff because I am never in a panic trying to find a 'connect'. It works for me.

I wish you well and hope for your continued success.

I think it might be easier for me that way too. With the oversight in my living situation I’m not able to lapse and as a result urges are kind of driving me crazy. Worst case scenario I lapse into relapse and active addiction. Best case scenario I have a momentary lapse of judgement and use on an isolated occasion. But in this middle ground it’s like the craving and temptation is festering. It’s driving me fucking insane. That and the threat of drug test for legal kratom just pisses me off. But I love my brother so what can I do. Stay clean until such time as I’m on my own again I guess.

 

[4DQSAR]

I think it says a lot about you that you recognize that people in recovery can sometimes suffer a moment of weakness BUT that it isn't the same as returning to full time use.

It doesn't matter how many times you fall as long as you keep on getting back up.

If you have people around you that you can talk to - tell them when you are struggling. It can be a massive help.

 

[chippermonk]

Maybe I could walk the dog or something. It’s almost sundown but I have the right equipment on. Could be fun. Could potentially help.

Thank you. I really appreciate your good recovery tools you’ve shared with me.

Dogs are great tool in grounding yourself and being more content and engaged with life. It is so much less complicated to relate to them than it is to people ( including yourself). And walking them is a great excuse for exercise or even exchanging a simple "hello, nice dog, cold out here" with people you meet. It's calming for me to reduce life to simple, unassailably good things. A dog's affection never need be questioned.
Good luck!

 

[helpingout]

I think it says a lot about you that you recognize that people in recovery can sometimes suffer a moment of weakness BUT that it isn't the same as returning to full time use.

It doesn't matter how many times you fall as long as you keep on getting back up.

If you have people around you that you can talk to - tell them when you are struggling. It can be a massive help.

I think I’ll let my brother know I’m struggling with the lapse thoughts. I definitely don’t want to use right now though. Took the niece and the brother and the sister in law and we went and got hot cocoa then went sledding down this giant hill by the house. It was fucking fun. Awesome time. Thanks for the support everyone.