Nah your thoughts are valid. Hang in there, maybe try to see a therapist (it helped me a lot) and I hope things get better for you. Sounds like you've not had the best of times.
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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
🌟🌟 Social 🌟🌟 The 2025 Recovery & Social Thread
- Thread starter Ds
- Start date
Dreamflyer
Bluelighter
I had an awesome therapist for 10 years but he lost his license. I've spent the last 9 months trying to find a new one that my insurance will cover, but I can't. I've been forced to go off of my 2 antidepressants (Lexapro & Remeron) and anxiety med (Ativan).
I have completely given up on the medical system. I even went to the ER during a massive panic attack and they wouldn't help me at all.
chippermonk
Bluelighter
That sounds like a lot to go through and it all sounds pretty recent ( the last 9 months). How long since you went off the antidepressants and Ativan? Withdrawal from those alone is enough to make life feel like shit. My experience was that my regular doctor was quite willing to prescribe SSRIs, though not benzos beyond a very short term course. Can you at least get some SSRI scripts again from them? Not that that is necessarily the full solution but it might help while you sort out finding a therapist.
Good luck
AngelsandFairiesarereal
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2022
- Messages
- 3,727
Sending you a big hug @Dreamflyer & sent you a pm 
kiely
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2022
- Messages
- 13,868
I just want to pray. Sometimes it's all I can be able to do.
But everything is going really well right now. So far.
Vitamins and minerals are a great help. And to
absorb them as much as possible and not deplete.
So right now I can't drink milk because I am strung out on energy drinks.
Maybe I should make some pudding.
lol. Funny but, not really.
~~~~~
~~~~~
happy new year's toast.
Healthy New Year with Love.
lulz wl
But everything is going really well right now. So far.
Vitamins and minerals are a great help. And to
absorb them as much as possible and not deplete.
So right now I can't drink milk because I am strung out on energy drinks.
Maybe I should make some pudding.
lol. Funny but, not really.
~~~~~
~~~~~
happy new year's toast.
Healthy New Year with Love.
lulz wl
Ds
Bluelight Crew
Hello everyone.
Hopefully everyone has had a good new years and is adjusting comfortably in the new year.
It's really hard to believe it is 2025.
I've been doing pretty good. My sobriety date is 11/1/2024 and feel pretty good. I'm on a lot of different medications, and glad that I'm giving medicine a shot because it's really been helping me.
Looking forward to getting back involved around here.
Hopefully everyone has had a good new years and is adjusting comfortably in the new year.
It's really hard to believe it is 2025.
I've been doing pretty good. My sobriety date is 11/1/2024 and feel pretty good. I'm on a lot of different medications, and glad that I'm giving medicine a shot because it's really been helping me.
Looking forward to getting back involved around here.
AngelsandFairiesarereal
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2022
- Messages
- 3,727
RepeatedIgnorance2c-74
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2024
- Messages
- 19
I hope this is the correct place to ask, but after years of addiction, how did those older reignite the mind, to grow, love, learn? It's just scary as everything is just another piece of a puzzle, yet i have no interest in the pieces and done even imagine ever completing a puzzle so I struggle to even search for them. I have failed so much in life and feel old. I just see how difficult it will be and have zero faith in myself as I'm late bloomer, so I just look and tell myself to stick to simplistic living, yet i can't help but always listen to the voice that says, "you can't do it, you failed, just accept, and give up trying to give yourself hope".
Ds
Bluelight Crew
Hello, and welcome to Bluelight.
I think after years of abusing drugs and alcohol my mind has only held onto the memories of me enjoying myself and 'feeling better' while high on the drugs. I don't necessarily think about the 'bad shit' that was brought on by drugs& alcohol, unless I'm really digging deep and putting together a list of all the bad shit I've done high & fucked up.
I think it's pretty normal to feel like you might not ever experience love, joy and happiness but that's false, it's your addiction & illness talking to yourself, and honestly I think that's how people get caught up in years of addiction because they think so lowly of themselves and think they are better off high.
It sometimes takes a professional or a 'sponsor' to help you determine what all the addiction did and how to continue happiness while sober & off the drugs.
People experience PTSD when dealing with addiction, and sometimes they need someone to tell them that it's going to be okay, that they aren't a victim anymore over drugs & the lifestyle.
I'd suggest getting involved with self help meetings and learn to develop coping mechanisms. It's kind of been the name of the game in my recovery program. & Definitely setting up healthy boundaries and relapse prevention goals.
sadasaulna
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2017
- Messages
- 145
10 days sober from chronic Alcohol use. I've drunk nearly every day for 20+ of 25 years. This is my first time sober in ~5 years.
I've been doing 5mg/day of diazepam for months. I tried to quit it the last 3 days but things got pretty bad and if I let it, I would relapse on the drink and if i'm drinking I'd do the diazepam same as before anyway, so it would be lose/lose.
So the way I look at it right now, keeping sober is #1 focus, with diaz coming a bit later, though I've been eeking along at 2.5mg/day of diazepam for the last couple of days. It's a struggle though. Urge to relapse drinking has been strong this last week. The first week no alcohol on 5mg/day was a breeze relatively speaking.
Best of luck and love to everyone out there trying to get clean in 2025!
I've been doing 5mg/day of diazepam for months. I tried to quit it the last 3 days but things got pretty bad and if I let it, I would relapse on the drink and if i'm drinking I'd do the diazepam same as before anyway, so it would be lose/lose.
So the way I look at it right now, keeping sober is #1 focus, with diaz coming a bit later, though I've been eeking along at 2.5mg/day of diazepam for the last couple of days. It's a struggle though. Urge to relapse drinking has been strong this last week. The first week no alcohol on 5mg/day was a breeze relatively speaking.
Best of luck and love to everyone out there trying to get clean in 2025!
paltatomate
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2022
- Messages
- 11,104
Incredibly what good sleep can do for your body & mind!
Hello everyone, been a while since my last update. Since my last post I have still been on suboxone, going down to .4mg per day, then I went back up to around 1mg because I started injecting subs ontop of my sublingual dose. Stopped doing that after a few weeks, and right now I skipped a dose to take some oxy I had found in my room (honestly crazy I hadn't already taken it) but I don't have any left and am just going to go back on subs until I run out, then make a go at quitting it again. I am down from 1mg to .4 again, I didn't inject long enough or on enough of a schedule to be officially used to 1mg again, I would go a day or two no injecting just taking my .5-.8 so thankfully coming back down to .4mg was easy.
In terms of heroin though I am now 1 month and 13 days clean. Feels like it hasn't been that long, but I really feel alot better in a lot of ways.
I have been realizing more and more what heroin was taking from me. I really had tricked myself into thinking I wasn't productive without it, even though I would spend all day stressing about getting a bag, getting it and coming home, being productive for about and hour before I just nodded all night then rinse and repeat. Life is way easier and less stressful not having to constantly worry about where I'll get my bag for the day, when, how much it'll cost this time (sometimes my usual guy wasn't around) etc etc.
Very proud of myself, only thing now is to get off the subs and not relapse.
Thankful today, hope everyone is well
In terms of heroin though I am now 1 month and 13 days clean. Feels like it hasn't been that long, but I really feel alot better in a lot of ways.
I have been realizing more and more what heroin was taking from me. I really had tricked myself into thinking I wasn't productive without it, even though I would spend all day stressing about getting a bag, getting it and coming home, being productive for about and hour before I just nodded all night then rinse and repeat. Life is way easier and less stressful not having to constantly worry about where I'll get my bag for the day, when, how much it'll cost this time (sometimes my usual guy wasn't around) etc etc.
Very proud of myself, only thing now is to get off the subs and not relapse.
Thankful today, hope everyone is well
kiely
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2022
- Messages
- 13,868
Ds
Bluelight Crew
I really think that Suboxone is a life saver. That's what I'm on currently, along with Lexapro, Seroquel, Busebar, Hydroxyzine, Robaxin, and Trazadone for my mental health. I'm trying to get the doctor to prescribe me Nerountin for my panic attacks, sofar thats why she's got me on all this other shit (besides the suboxone) because apparently the clinic wants her to try everything else before prescribing nerountin. So hopefully this coming up Monday I will see her & get it.
This last time I went out I ended up getting permanent nerve damage in my left leg. Pretty much from my groin to my left kneecap it's literally numb to the touch, but internally I feel it tingle, I feel sharp pain, I feel like it's burning, it just rotates that pain, but as far as when I touch it, it's fucking numb. So I really fucked something up this time.
I was doing massives I mean massives amount of nitrous. I was doing upwards to 3 big tanks a day. They were the biggest size tanks that you could legally buy at headshops. Fucking 3 a day, and not eating because I was on dope & drinking. I may have like a cracker, but there'd be periods where I'd just throw it all up.
So I'm guessing that doing the nitrous ontop of everything else it fucking ruined my leg.
I can still walk and move my leg normally, it just fucking hurts all the time.
Anyways, I've been doing well. Been clean since November 1st of 2024, and been through detox-inpatient treatment -PHP & now I'm in an IOP program. I'm out of state, so I mainly just do the few hours of class a day and find a meeting to go to or celebrate recovery in the evening.
So far things have been doing pretty well. I'm also journaling every day, and I've been journaling since I started inpatient, so I've already filled up a notebook and I'm working on my second one now. It's been helping tremendously, because it's like I'm getting my thoughts and reflections out there on paper, and I enjoy writing so it's pretty rewarding. Especially going back in my journal and reading entries from last year, and how I overcame stressful moments.
I live in a sober living house type of place, and a van usually comes Monday -Friday to take us to clinic.
Not sure how much longer I have left in this program, but have been voted in an oxford house & they are going to hold my bed until I graduate. & Will be continuing my aftercare at a place back home.
I've really enjoyed my time going through this journey and really excited to see what will happen next.
This last time I went out I ended up getting permanent nerve damage in my left leg. Pretty much from my groin to my left kneecap it's literally numb to the touch, but internally I feel it tingle, I feel sharp pain, I feel like it's burning, it just rotates that pain, but as far as when I touch it, it's fucking numb. So I really fucked something up this time.
I was doing massives I mean massives amount of nitrous. I was doing upwards to 3 big tanks a day. They were the biggest size tanks that you could legally buy at headshops. Fucking 3 a day, and not eating because I was on dope & drinking. I may have like a cracker, but there'd be periods where I'd just throw it all up.
So I'm guessing that doing the nitrous ontop of everything else it fucking ruined my leg.
I can still walk and move my leg normally, it just fucking hurts all the time.
Anyways, I've been doing well. Been clean since November 1st of 2024, and been through detox-inpatient treatment -PHP & now I'm in an IOP program. I'm out of state, so I mainly just do the few hours of class a day and find a meeting to go to or celebrate recovery in the evening.
So far things have been doing pretty well. I'm also journaling every day, and I've been journaling since I started inpatient, so I've already filled up a notebook and I'm working on my second one now. It's been helping tremendously, because it's like I'm getting my thoughts and reflections out there on paper, and I enjoy writing so it's pretty rewarding. Especially going back in my journal and reading entries from last year, and how I overcame stressful moments.
I live in a sober living house type of place, and a van usually comes Monday -Friday to take us to clinic.
Not sure how much longer I have left in this program, but have been voted in an oxford house & they are going to hold my bed until I graduate. & Will be continuing my aftercare at a place back home.
I've really enjoyed my time going through this journey and really excited to see what will happen next.
paltatomate
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2022
- Messages
- 11,104
Good stuff! Keep it up