Trigger Warning When one enters into a relationship with known abuser how much of blame is on them?

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

We all know that people fall in love with charming persons who turn out to be abusers.

But when the situation is that one already knows the person to be an abuser and then cries wolf?

 

[Bagseed]

well going into a relationship like that was probably not a smart idea, but only the abuser is to blame for the abuse...

maybe you should give more information if you're looking for advice.

 

[Peter Rabbit 5.1]

If you intentionally enter into a relationship with a known abuser (without coercion) you're entirely responsible for the damage you sustain. It's sort of like, "if I intentionally walk into the path of a moving train and get hit, who's to blame?" Well, the train did the damage but YOU are responsible for it.

 

[daturetard]

If you intentionally enter into a relationship with a known abuser (without coercion) you're entirely responsible for the damage you sustain. It's sort of like, "if I intentionally walk into the path of a moving train and get hit, who's to blame?" Well, the train did the damage but YOU are responsible for it.

Entirely responsible is a fucking absurd take. A train takes hundreds of feet to stop. A fist takes a single rational thought.

 

[Bagseed]

If you intentionally enter into a relationship with a known abuser (without coercion) you're entirely responsible for the damage you sustain. It's sort of like, "if I intentionally walk into the path of a moving train and get hit, who's to blame?" Well, the train did the damage but YOU are responsible for it.

wouldn't you say that the abuser might also be responsible because they could also choose to not get into a relationship in the first place?

 

[Jeanpauldash]

Then it is the abused persons fault. They asked for it.

Are you kidding, only pieces of worthless shit think like that.

People who want to imply that good people who are suffering are somehow bad like the one hurting them. Well they are fucking not, genius. If you have two people enjoying treating each other like shit then they are probably two pieces of shit together, why even call one the abuser. You are seriously claiming an injured person sits there enjoying and asking for more pain.

 

[Jeanpauldash]

If you intentionally enter into a relationship with a known abuser (without coercion) you're entirely responsible for the damage you sustain. It's sort of like, "if I intentionally walk into the path of a moving train and get hit, who's to blame?" Well, the train did the damage but YOU are responsible for it.

You're describing a suicide, not a bad person hurting a good person

 

[Jeanpauldash]

People who need to victim blame are sad predators trying to invalidate people who feel real feelings and have actual intelligence.

 

[Peter Rabbit 5.1]

If you enter into a relationship with a KNOWN ABUSER, WITHOUT COERCION, then yes, YOU are responsible for the damage you recieve. I didn't say victims of abuse are responsible. Furthermore, I'm not victim-blaming. What I'm saying is, if you enter voluntarily into a relationship with a known abuser, then you are intentionally turning yourself into a victim. Sounds pretty fucking crazy to me to do such a thing. Here's another analogy:

You go to the pound to adopt a dog. There you find a vicious snarling pit bull. You're warned not to to take him home, because he'll hurt you. But, for whatever reason, you decide to adopt the dog, and when it mauls you, it sure as hell ain't the dog's fault. EXACTLY the same as entering into a relationship with a person with a known history of abuse. By getting involved with such a person, you're inviting them to turn you into a victim.

 

[Preytor]

If you enter into a relationship with a KNOWN ABUSER, WITHOUT COERCION, then yes, YOU are responsible for the damage you recieve. I didn't say victims of abuse are responsible. Furthermore, I'm not victim-blaming. What I'm saying is, if you enter voluntarily into a relationship with a known abuser, then you are intentionally turning yourself into a victim. Sounds pretty fucking crazy to me to do such a thing. Here's another analogy:

You go to the pound to adopt a dog. There you find a vicious snarling pit bull. You're warned not to to take him home, because he'll hurt you. But, for whatever reason, you decide to adopt the dog, and when it mauls you, it sure as hell ain't the dog's fault. EXACTLY the same as entering into a relationship with a person with a known history of abuse. By getting involved with such a person, you're inviting them to turn you into a victim.

Shit examples going all around. You can’t use a violent dog’s demeanour to be the same as a person’s decision to be abusive. Same with the stupid train, the whole point is that the train can’t stop.

The fucked thing with the approach you taking and the original post, is how much the abuser is absolved of blame. How does the dickhead still doing the abuse not at fault I don’t get it? Just because it was a known fact of their past? Like they a poor choo choo merry go’lucky train whistling along on their tracks with no choice where they’re going.

Now if this discussion wasn’t about trynna take blame away from the abuser, I do think there’s a conversation to be had about how the person dating them is contributing to their own suffering by putting themselves into a risky relationship like that.

Unfortunately because of family background and previous relationships, these people have shit instincts. There probably is a responsibility for their friends to try and highlight their tendencies that lead them to such a bad place if it’s been repeated before.

Just a very fucking different conversation than straight up saying they’re “crying wolf”, or “inviting them to turn you into a victim”, fucking disgusting.

 

[thujone]

If you intentionally enter into a relationship with a known abuser (without coercion) you're entirely responsible for the damage you sustain. It's sort of like, "if I intentionally walk into the path of a moving train and get hit, who's to blame?" Well, the train did the damage but YOU are responsible for it.

agreed. if it's a known risk then can't say you didn't think it would turn to shit, you knew there was a chance and took the risk anyway

 

[Peter Rabbit 5.1]

Shit examples going all around. You can’t use a violent dog’s demeanour to be the same as a person’s decision to be abusive. Same with the stupid train, the whole point is that the train can’t stop.

The fucked thing with the approach you taking and the original post, is how much the abuser is absolved of blame. How does the dickhead still doing the abuse not at fault I don’t get it? Just because it was a known fact of their past? Like they a poor choo choo merry go’lucky train whistling along on their tracks with no choice where they’re going.

Now if this discussion wasn’t about trynna take blame away from the abuser, I do think there’s a conversation to be had about how the person dating them is contributing to their own suffering by putting themselves into a risky relationship like that.

Unfortunately because of family background and previous relationships, these people have shit instincts. There probably is a responsibility for their friends to try and highlight their tendencies that lead them to such a bad place if it’s been repeated before.

Just a very fucking different conversation than straight up saying they’re “crying wolf”, or “inviting them to turn you into a victim”, fucking disgusting.

To be sure, the abuser should be arrested and charged with a crime. The victim would likewise benefit from a compulsory psychological evaluation, to determine why they voluntarily went without coercion, into a relationship with a known abuser. But yeah, I'm not moving from my position. If a person volunteers to be abused, they are indeed responsible for the harm that comes to them. Yet the person doing the abuse should be prosecuted. Sometimes, victims are (in a loose sense) to blame. This is for their psychologists to help them figure out.

THAT SAID.... most abusive relationships are not nearly so cut-and-dried. I CERTAINLY don't put any responsibility on a victim who through coercion or manipulation, was trapped by an abuser.

The OP asked, "But when the situation is that one already knows the person to be an abuser..." in THAT case, the victim invites the damage to themselves, and THEY are responsible for getting themselves hurt.

.....but the gray area is massive, I'm just answering the OP literally.

 

[fairnymph]

People are responsible for their actions. Choosing a bad partner is your mistake. But, the exact ways that partner abuses you are HIS mistakes. If you continue to put up with his behaviour, then you choose to accept that abuse, which is your mistake.

Also important to consider WHY we make these bad partner choices to begin with. Do we hope the other person will change - a mistake I’ve made repeatedly? Because people usually DONT change for the better, and you can’t make someone else change - they have to want it for themselves.

Or do you not feel you deserve love so you get into relationships that are destined to fail? Are you just settling, because you think you can’t find better, or don’t want to put in the effort?

Just a few possibilities, there are many more.