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I don't know how longer i can keep up with this

nznity

nznity

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
7,936
Location
Lima.
Hey guys,
Long time since I've posted something on the forum. I'm not doing very well lately. My physical health has been declining for the past year and I feel utterly desperate. All I feel every day is sorrow and despair. I've gone into a very dark deep spiral for the last 2 years. I'm still heavy addicted to opiates but try to keep my doses at the bare minimum. I'm just keeping the wds at bay, opiates are the only thing that seem to help a bit with my mood and crippling depression. Lately, I've been ruminating a lot about suicide and ending my life. I think about it at least 20 times a day, I'm broke, Ill and my stress is through the roof. My life is fucked up beyond repair...idk, I keep questioning If it's really worth it to keep going.
Perhaps, this is a desperate call for some words of encouragement and help before I seriously do some crazy shit like harm myself but I don't think I'd die anyway, I'm too weak to even successfully accomplish something like that. I'm broke asf, lonely and trapped in a super fucking horrible snowball. Meh, guess I'm looking for some Sympathy at least.
Hope everyone is doing well and wish u guys would help me with some words at least(like I've done my fair share of helping others in the past here). Happy holidays for everyone. I love you guys,
From the bottom of My heart ❤️
Sincerely,
Nick.
 
Please don't. You are too perfect. I feel really bad too. Try to overcome also.

Just get as much rest as possible. That's what I try to do too.

Life always hurts at times. Just please keep going. I desperately want to feel better and do better too.

Don't waste your energy. It's too fast. Just whine about it like ever. If feels good sometimes. Real good.

You will have more happy days. We all have to sometimes. Smile.

When it's hot outside I get feeling really really bad too and I like the cold a lot.

Are you here !!!!! And thank you also.

Everyone suffers, in their own way. Even you. I'm sure you had to struggle a bit more than others but just help us be strong too.

We all wanted to try. And you know we always have better days.

At least you have a warm bed and a home. And an above and beyond a just an ordinary mind.

You are helpful and sweet. Forever. Always there. More than you know. For all.

We need rest at some point anyway. A lot. Too. OKay.


Going everywhere and everyday isn't all it's made out to be anyway. I mean it goes by so fast you will see anyway.



For everyone. I'm not going to waste my energy on it and you definitely shouldn't either.


Oh I don't feel good. Please help. Be Happy. You should. You can make our hearts smile so much.


Be well. We have to have a New Year. you can help us make it Happy.

You can get stronger. And keep trying. And keep on smokin on that sweetly. Get Stoney. Smoke SweetLeaf. 🤘

Alright Now. Stay Awesome on the Hollydays.
 
kiely said:
Please don't. You are too perfect. I feel really bad too. Try to overcome also.

Just get as much rest as possible. That's what I try to do too.

Life always hurts at times. Just please keep going. I desperately want to feel better and do better too.

Don't waste your energy. It's too fast. Just whine about it like ever. If feels good sometimes. Real good.

You will have more happy days. We all have to sometimes. Smile.

When it's hot outside I get feeling really really bad too and I like the cold a lot.

Are you here !!!!! And thank you also.

Everyone suffers, in their own way. Even you. I'm sure you had to struggle a bit more than others but just help us be strong too.

We all wanted to try. And you know we always have better days.

At least you have a warm bed and a home. And an above and beyond a just an ordinary mind.

You are helpful and sweet. Forever. Always there. More than you know. For all.

We need rest at some point anyway. A lot. Too. OKay.


Going everywhere and everyday isn't all it's made out to be anyway. I mean it goes by so fast you will see anyway.



For everyone. I'm not going to waste my energy on it and you definitely shouldn't either.


Oh I don't feel good. Please help. Be Happy. You should. You can make our hearts smile so much.


Be well. We have to have a New Year. you can help us make it Happy.

You can get stronger. And keep trying. And keep on smokin on that sweetly. Get Stoney. Smoke SweetLeaf. 🤘

Alright Now. Stay Awesome on the Hollydays.
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Thanks for those kind words, brought a smile on my face. I don't have much energy but ill try too. I've been doing a lot of white and opiates lately and they barely scratch the itch anymore. Nevertheless, I'm still trying to figure out how to maintain myself in a better state of mind. It's a bit hard because I'm bedbound and can't even go for a stroll to get some sun. But I'll keep trying until all my resources have been depleted. Thx so much again. xx
 
nznity said:
Thanks for those kind words, brought a smile on my face. I don't have much energy but ill try too. I've been doing a lot of white and opiates lately and they barely scratch the itch anymore. Nevertheless, I'm still trying to figure out how to maintain myself in a better state of mind. It's a bit hard because I'm bedbound and can't even go for a stroll to get some sun. But I'll keep trying until all my resources have been depleted. Thx so much again. xx
Click to expand...
Omg 😁 I'm in Bed too.

It's okay we got this. 👍👍

I usually am. :ROFLMAO: Like who wouldn't want to be !!

Just Kidding.

I am glad we can be chillin.

❤️‍🔥
 
Electrum1 said:
Are there any updates about potential surgeries? Do they have medical benefits there that you can use?
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Oh man, my situation is really messed up. It's been 3 years and I suffered medical malpractice during my accident. I have accepted my condition like more than a year ago that I'm a disabled guy in my 20s but I'm still trying hard to not go insane over it. My country lacks the resources to do a proper treatment for me, the drs. Really don't know what the fuvk to do with me, but I still carry on. UFFFFF, it's fucking crazy, all my friends are baffled how I haven't gotten crazy yet. I still try to stand firmly.
Electrum1 said:
I liked you right away. You don't post bullshit, you post what you mean and are sincere. I hope things get better man
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Thx buddy. I've always liked you too. You're a pretty cool guy, from the few times we've interacted I've always felt ur good vibes.
Th, for ur input,
xx N
 
kiely said:
Omg 😁 I'm in Bed too.

It's okay we got this. 👍👍

I usually am. :ROFLMAO: Like who wouldn't want to be !!

Just Kidding.

I am glad we can be chillin.

❤️‍🔥
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Yeah it'scool. But ive already surpassed over a 1k days without leasing my room. I'm craving Vitamin D, but my condition won't permit even that. :( wish I could at least Seat at the park for a couple hrs everyday. But I'm stuck with this. Just gotta accept what God is putting Me through I guess.
 
Electrum1 said:
What are some of the cool things in Peru you experienced growing up that you feel are local, cultural?
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The outstanding Peruvian cuisine(no cap it's the most delicioso food on earth), the beachs, lots of cultural places to visit. Both Cusco and Lima are truly beautiful cities. if u got money here, u can live like a king with maids. It truly is an amazing country. 🔥 it's got a lot of downsides like corruption at all levels, lots of crime lately(especially from the venezuelans that have invaded several latinamerican countries), etc. But it doesn't stop being a cool country to live in. 👍 🆗️ 👌
 
Have you thought about or tried any dissociatives? I think it might help you with your mood. I don't know enough about your pain from the malpractice to really suggest trying to get put on bupe or if that is even available in Peru. I too get into deep depressive states in active opiate addiction especially when my wd symtoms start to effect my every daily life, but I'm sure it can't even compare.
 
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nznity said:
The outstanding Peruvian cuisine(no cap it's the most delicioso food on earth), the beachs, lots of cultural places to visit. Both Cusco and Lima are truly beautiful cities. if u got money here, u can live like a king with maids. It truly is an amazing country. 🔥 it's got a lot of downsides like corruption at all levels, lots of crime lately(especially from the venezuelans that have invaded several latinamerican countries), etc. But it doesn't stop being a cool country to live in. 👍 🆗️ 👌
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Awesome food! I went to La Mistura, the food festival in Lima, in 2019, with food from all over the country. Wow, that was good! (Though the Pisco tent almost killed me!) I really also liked a market I went to where there were a bunch of places selling ceviche. I think it was in Miraflores, but maybe it was somewhere else. Very cool country in many ways.
I can imagine that medical care could be hit and miss. I bet a lot of the elites just fly to Miami or Houston. I'm sorry to hear how tough things are for you, hope things improve.
 
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nznity said:
Yeah it'scool. But ive already surpassed over a 1k days without leasing my room. I'm craving Vitamin D, but my condition won't permit even that. :( wish I could at least Seat at the park for a couple hrs everyday. But I'm stuck with this. Just gotta accept what God is putting Me through I guess.
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So, do you believe in God? If so I recommend reading the gospels( the first 4 books of the New Testament)
 
Been in a similar allbeit not as terrible sounding situation as this for 2 years myself.

You need to be able to see light rather than darkness still though. I would advise attempting to switch drugs. Now is the ideal time for some dissociatives and their introspection/anti depressant effect.

What condition do you actually have may i ask bro? No matter what it is i feel like shooting speedballs is only making things much worse whereas some other alternative drug use may be able to help you get through things mentally and physically.
 
You’re not alone sweetie, you are stronger than you think. I understand struggle with pain & health issues. I’m originally from Latin America’ish too (Puerto Rico) .. but live in the states for many years. Anyways I had to escape my ex & gang violence … I was crazy abused & beaten up very badly & barely survived a murder attempt when I tried to escape. I had broken jaw, ribs, screwed up neck, torn muscles & ligaments, broken ribs, wrists, dislocated shoulder ect. (there’s a lot more to my story & many times I thought to give up) I have a lot of permanent nerve damage, pain & injury from it all on top of other stuff. Some days is too much & the bad days hard to do much of anything.

I don’t tell you this to tell you my problems but to let you know I understand & empathize for sure …. that feeling & feeling like should I just give up. One thing that has helped is my cat (just having him around) & I also do artwork like Frida Kahlo …. do you know of her? She struggled with a lot of pain, injury & health problems & did a lot of artwork from bed a lot.

Don’t give up okay, you are very strong & amazing. Little things here & there can get better … sometimes in different ways than you thought if that makes sense. In very small slow ways things have gotten a little better for me & I never thought it would for MANY years, wow like many years & still sometimes … but it’s like I said a little different than I thought. Some days are steps forward many days are steps back. Sorry to go on about my stuff, like I said I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling alone on this journey & understand in my way. You never know a little milagro can happen here & there … just don’t give up because you matter.

Warrior to warrior I send you lots of love & many blessings 💕🌺💜🪷🌻

*I used to have a good Peruvian friend, I called him Perucho & he called me Boricua jaja 🙂

Reach out here as much as you need, people care about you
Bendiciones 💕
 
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chippermonk said:
Awesome food! I went to La Mistura, the food festival in Lima, in 2019, with food from all over the country. Wow, that was good! (Though the Pisco tent almost killed me!) I really also liked a market I went to where there were a bunch of places selling ceviche. I think it was in Miraflores, but maybe it was somewhere else. Very cool country in many ways.
I can imagine that medical care could be hit and miss. I bet a lot of the elites just fly to Miami or Houston. I'm sorry to hear how tough things are for you, hope things improve.
Click to expand...
BROOOOO "Mistura has always been bombbbb.!!! Glad u liked it! Yeah, those pisco sours are something else 😅😊
Thanks for unlocking some memories of mine, I went to the first two misturas back in 2009 and 2010(I think) the food was something else. 👌 thx for the good vibes:D
 
dosesfromcinco said:
Have you thought about or tried any dissociatives? I think it might help you with your mood. I don't know enough about your pain from the malpractice to really suggest trying to get put on bupe or if that is even available in Peru. I too get into deep depressive states in active opiate addiction especially when my wd symtoms start to effect my every daily life, but I'm sure it can't even compare.
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Oii, I've been on a few ketamine benders like 2 months ago and damn. I was IMing pure vials with a friend. I reached the final fking deepest khole feeling. Jesus christ, it was crazy. Frightening at parts, Super weird but I felt God within me at the end of the experience, it was blisful as fk. It helped with my mood a bit but I don't really Like ketamine. Awesome mystical experience nonetheless. Thx bud
 
Jnowhere said:
So, do you believe in God? If so I recommend reading the gospels( the first 4 books of the New Testament)
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Ofc, why wouldn't I? Any hardcore druggie ends up believing in God I think haha. Sure, I'll take ur suggestion. I've never really read the Bible like because I wanted but bcs they forced me to. Plus idk if a kid can truly understand the Bible. I will later on the day, I need my shot first. My body is aching lol.
 
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