Advice I just don’t understand women sometimes. I love them but I don’t understand them.

[Juicewrldfan]

So, my girl asked me what I thought of her attractiveness on a 1-10 scale. We have been together for ten years. Well, I don’t know anybody at all that is their 40s that is a ten out of ten. I mean, I’m no George Clooney myself. We aren’t in our 20s anymore. I told her what I honestly thought. I gave her an 8.

I don’t really give anybody a 10 and physical attraction is just one part of attraction. There’s the personality/spiritual attraction which is so much more. Anyway, so obviously that didn’t go very well.

If I would have told her ten/ten she would have thought I was lying and been mad about that. I tell her the truth that I think she’s an 8/10 and I’m the bad guy. She went off on me screaming and shit, started crying, like WTF!

She won’t listen to reason. Why would you think you are a 10/10 and you are in your 40s and always complaining about how you hate the way you look. I try to make her feel better by telling her she’s pretty and beautiful, etc but today she wanted a number. I feel set up. If I would have lied then she would have been pissed and I tell her the truth and it’s a good number in my opinion and she’s beyond pissed. Texting me from work now and shit telling me she hates me and that she’s starving herself so she could be prettier for me. Like wtf! I didn’t ask for that. I told her she’s perfect just the way she is but doesn’t matter what I say. Telling me she’s been crying at her desk all day. Like wth is up?

I don’t get it. I’m a realist or at least I like to think so. And if I asked someone that I want the truth as long as it’s not like something ridiculously low. I just don’t get it. What’s wrong with an 8/10 especially when you are in your 40s.

Feels so dramatic. Do all women want to be lied to?

I just don’t get it. I really thought I was giving a compliment. And now home is going to be a cold place for a bit. She isn’t ever going to let this petty shit go.

I tried to fix it, but I just make it worse. I swear society has programmed a lot of women to think they need to be a skinny model with big tits and a big ass in order to have value. It’s fucked up.

Let’s be real. Geeze. I just don’t understand. What am I missing here? Am I being an asshole? I had good intentions. I really hate drama and this just feels so dramatic. Maybe I just don’t understand.

 

[4meSM]

Usually when women ask those kinds of silly questions it's because there's something more to it. You need to look at the bigger picture and probably need better communication in your relationship.
She told you about starving herself to look pretty to you, that's not good, does she have some kind of eating disorder or something? It just seems like she might be going through some stuff mentally and for some reason feels like you have lost attraction towards her.

 

[Fire&Water]

Well, a loaded answer wouldve been, 2

 

[Burnt Offerings]

9 was the correct answer! Not 10, because nobody's perfect, but not 8, that's too low!

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Seems to me she's just feeling insecure and needed an ego boost and MOST women when told they were an 8 would be very happy. An 8 is quite beautiful on the scale that society uses. I wonder if it's really something more than just that as her reaction was pretty severe for such a simple question and answer. Most women I know would be pleased to be rated an 8. Either there's really something else bothering her or she was trying to bait you for a fight.

Some partners will ask loaded questions actually hoping they DON"T get the right answer. If she is really mad at you ( deep down ) for something totally different and unrelated to that question she is just looking for an excuse to fight. Let her brood about it for awhile and chill and if she asks you again just lie to her and tell her she's a 10. After all....in the grand scheme of things and with everything going on in the world I can think of far better things to be upset about. If she needs to be called a 10 to get her to feel better about herself what's the harm, right? You can always turn around and ask her what you are on the scale. What one man thinks is pretty another man doesn't. Short hair? Long hair? Blonde? Brunette? Small breasts? Big breasts? Bubble butt? Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

 

[gordonliddy]

Seems to me she's just feeling insecure and needed an ego boost and MOST women when told they were an 8 would be very happy. An 8 is quite beautiful on the scale that society uses. I wonder if it's really something more than just that as her reaction was pretty severe for such a simple question and answer. Most women I know would be pleased to be rated an 8. Either there's really something else bothering her or she was trying to bait you for a fight.

Some partners will ask loaded questions actually hoping they DON"T get the right answer. If she is really mad at you ( deep down ) for something totally different and unrelated to that question she is just looking for an excuse to fight. Let her brood about it for awhile and chill and if she asks you again just lie to her and tell her she's a 10. After all....in the grand scheme of things and with everything going on in the world I can think of far better things to be upset about. If she needs to be called a 10 to get her to feel better about herself what's the harm, right? You can always turn around and ask her what you are on the scale. What one man thinks is pretty another man doesn't. Short hair? Long hair? Blonde? Brunette? Small breasts? Big breasts? Bubble butt? Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

I concur. Mr. Juice World fan may be stuck with this particular female (kids? jointly-owned house) but she is high maintenance.

None of my buddies that are married to high maintenance women are happy with their lives. I'm writing this for the benefit of the young bucks reading this. If you find yourself in this situation, realise that it probably won't get better.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Well, she worked hard to lose weight and I never asked for that either. I thought she was doing it for her and I like her the same now as I did then. Losing weight doesn’t change much for me. Sure, I am attracted to attractive women, but I am more attracted to the person. Who the person is the primary factor that makes me attracted to a person. I learned my lesson when I was younger because it seemed like every model type I dated was fucked up personality-wise. Some were narcissistic-like and treated people badly. So I just started be drawn more to who the person is.

Don’t get me wrong attraction is important in relationship, but not as important as who the person is and how they treat people. Granted we haven’t had sec in awhile because last time I initiated she said she has been having some women issues unrelated to pms so doesn’t want to right now. So, I have been waiting on her to tell me she’s ready, but she’s not the type to initiate. So, I guess maybe I should try again. Maybe that’s why she feels unattractive.

And yeah she’s always been insecure. Oh well, I learned my lesson. I guess I’ll just have to give it some time for her to cool off. Going to be a rough day or two though.

I did feel like she was just trying to have a fight but I think it’s more to do with her feeling insecure. It’s just a lot to be responsible for though. Like how am I supposed to manage her self esteem for her. I want to help but when I try it turns out like this. I guess people just have bad days sometimes and I need to stay compassionate and understanding as the world is really very harsh on women and holds them to unrealistic expectations.

She’s great though besides when she gets in these moods. She has always been there for me. Always. Never once has she left me hanging. Not a single time. Even in times when I probably deserved to be left hanging she was there and stood by me. Like when I relapsed on stims last year. So, I feel like I owe her a lot. The least I could do is to just try to stay compassionate and understanding and not react when she starts saying degrading and hateful things because she’s hurt.

Yeah, I guess there is no fixing this. I just have to ride it out. Thanks for all your feedback and support.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

I concur. Mr. Juice World fan may be stuck with this particular female (kids? jointly-owned house) but she is high maintenance.

None of my buddies that are married to high maintenance women are happy with their lives. I'm writing this for the benefit of the young bucks reading this. If you find yourself in this situation, realise that it probably won't get better.

Yeah. To be completely honest. I do love her very deeply, but I’m not usually happy in our relationship. But I have this like loyalty issue. Loyalty is very important to me and high on my value list. She has been very loyal to me despite her flaws and Lord knows I have plenty of my own. And I just feel like I owe her. And I can’t bare the thought of hurting her if I were to leave. It would break her heart. And she doesn’t have anybody else. No family. No one. And I’m not saying I want to leave. If I did though it would likely destroy her, quite literally. I’m just saying it’s crossed my mind at one point or another, but what relationships are perfect? She is very loyal and otherwise supportive and I have been happy recently. I am not ready to give up on it yet.

Things have been getting good until today. We have been laughing a lot and I had thought things had been going well. If this does end up not working out, I don’t think I’ll get into another relationship. They are far too much emotional/mental work.

She’s a very good, kind person. I just broke her trust so many times by relapsing in the past and sometimes I fear that the relationship is just too damaged to be repaired. And when she gets like this she throws up the past in my face even though it’s completely unrelated. I’m not innocent though. I lied when I had relapsed to hide it. I was ashamed and scared and so I did the cowardly thing and lied about it. But when she throws it up in my face just to get at me it makes me feel like guilty and I start dwelling on my regrets. It really sucks, but hey I did it.

I do have hope though that the relationship can become something great again.

 

[gordonliddy]

Yeah. To be completely honest. I do love her very deeply, but I’m not usually happy in our relationship. But I have this like loyalty issue. Loyalty is very important to me and high on my value list. She has been very loyal to me despite her flaws and Lord knows I have plenty of my own. And I just feel like I owe her. And I can’t bare the thought of hurting her if I were to leave. It would break her heart. And she doesn’t have anybody else. No family. No one. And I’m not saying I want to leave. If I did though it would likely destroy her, quite literally. I’m just saying it’s crossed my mind at one point or another, but what relationships are perfect? She is very loyal and otherwise supportive and I have been happy recently. I am not ready to give up on it yet.

Things have been getting good until today. We have been laughing a lot and I had thought things had been going well. If this does end up not working out, I don’t think I’ll get into another relationship. They are far too much emotional/mental work.

She’s a very good, kind person. I just broke her trust so many times by relapsing in the past and sometimes I fear that the relationship is just too damaged to be repaired. And when she gets like this she throws up the past in my face even though it’s completely unrelated. I’m not innocent though. I lied when I had relapsed to hide it. I was ashamed and scared and so I did the cowardly thing and lied about it. But when she throws it up in my face just to get at me it makes me feel like guilty and I start dwelling on my regrets. It really sucks, but hey I did it.

I do have hope though that the relationship can become something great again.

Oh no, Brother. This actually doesn't sound that bad. It sounds like you've got this, frankly.

I can tell you how I would handle it...but don't take my advice. I'm an idiot. What would I do? I would get all lovey-dovey.

Tell her that you showed some pictures of her to your buddies and they all said you were crazy, she deserves at least a nine. Then you can tell her you upped her to a nine, and that she can earn a ten if she wants to snuggle you. Make sure you're being very flirty if you decide to play it that way.

I would try to snuggle my way out of this one. But then, I'm an idiot.

 

[JackARoe]

Even the best relationships are hard. Lots I don't understand and I am an understanding guy. Been married 20 years.

She’s great though besides when she gets in these moods. She has always been there for me. Always. Never once has she left me hanging. Not a single time. Even in times when I probably deserved to be left hanging she was there and stood by me. Like when I relapsed on stims last year. So, I feel like I owe her a lot. The least I could do is to just try to stay compassionate and understanding and not react when she starts saying degrading and hateful things because she’s hurt.

Ride it out. lol Yes. And the qualities you look for in a partner are someone who will be there for you, someone you can trust. Someone that says they will be somewhere at a certain hour and they are there. Someone you can trust with your pet. Someone responsible. All good. The rest we all have to put up with, men with women and women with men. I though have no patience for anyone saying hurtful things but it does happen to the best of us. Takes a lot to hold back when being hurt by words. True strength.

Someday Juice we will have a guidance manual on how to be in a relationship. And then even that will make us shrug!

I am fully convinced that if humans lived for 500 years even the most perfect couples would split up eventually due to differences in growth. My parents have been together 67 years and are now cranky as hell towards each other. I keep telling them cranky is ok. The love is there. The bodies are tired.

Yes, everyone is my soulmate. All of you are. Not a believer in "the one". Even with "the one" can be difficult times. Why make things a fairytale. But it is important to get oneself back in balance if they feel a partner is knocking then out of balance. Then when back in balance you can engage again.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

She probably compares her body/looks to that of other, younger women, and comes up short. She wants to feel attractive. But generally something like this can’t be resolved by you; even if you had given her the answer she was hoping for, external validation only goes so far. She needs to find a way to validate HERSELF, to feel confident and comfortable in her own skin, despite her weight or her age. Not an easy thing to do, for a woman. Even when I was a hot young thing, I definitely felt fat and ugly all the time, and now when I look back, I realize I wasn’t. At all. This is a societal problem, not something that one man can fix.

What I would suggest you do is, flirt with her, complement her in subtle ways, and not just on her looks, either. Tell her that you value her, and you’re attracted to her. Both before she lost the weight, and now, and tell her you will still be attracted to her in 20 years from now. That her internal qualities are everything you’re looking for. Hopefully that will help. If not…nothing you do will make a difference. She’ll need to learn to find her own value.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Thanks all. Surprisingly, she was in a good mood when she got off work and we had a good night. Very surprised because normally this lasts for days.

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

the correct answer would've been 12

so yea - ya gotta lie - it's just the way it is

 

[ions]

Beauty is common. It's something people are born with, or people pay for. But what really counts in a great personality, great energy, and great outlook on life. You have 2 of those 3.

A little smoke and mirrors and you're in the clear. That's a line, but it should do the trick.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

the correct answer would've been 12

so yea - ya gotta lie - it's just the way it is

You’re right on the money. I told my mom about it and she just laughed and said yeah you’re definitely in the dog house. She said always tell a woman she’s a 12, just like you said.

Apparently, it’s a not-so uncommon mistake a lot of guys make. I guess guys and women are just different, because I really would be happy with an 8. Like I don’t model on the cover of GQ magazine so obviously I’m no 10 and would think someone was feeding me bs if they told me that but hey guess women are really from Jupiter and men from mars.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

women are really from Jupiter and men from mars.

I thought the title of that book was “women are from VENUS, men are from mars” but damn. Haven’t thought about that one in a long time. Honestly, I don’t think men and women are so different on the inside. It’s just a matter of what society tells us our roles are, and what makes us “worthy.” If you had asked her to rate how good you were as a provider, or how satisfied you made her in bed, or how safe she felt with you, and you got that rating…well, you might be a little disturbed, right? Because men are evaluated by the prestige of their jobs, how much money they make, whether they can keep their family safe, and their prowess in bed. Women, on the other hand, are rated based on their looks, their personality (can’t be too “bitchy,” which sometimes translates to strong-willed) and their ability to please a man in bed (ok, that one goes both ways, I guess!) sometimes also by their ability to procreate (fertility.) and idk if you’ve noticed, but past a certain age, we become all but invisible to the opposite sex! What is it about getting older that renders us unfuckable?! I don’t know the answer to this but it seems insane to me. Men, on the other hand, continue to be seen as sexy well into their 60s, sometimes 70s (George Clooney, the one you mentioned before, is a good example!)

 

[PtahTek]

If its your partner the correct answer is always gonna be 10/10.
My SO is the most beautifyl person in the world. Even though physically we are both "falling off" with age she still outshines by far anyone I may have an attraction to.
To know a female one must tap into their own other half of being.
Just babling.
Peace

 

[axe battler]

Yeah. To be completely honest. I do love her very deeply, but I’m not usually happy in our relationship. But I have this like loyalty issue. Loyalty is very important to me and high on my value list. She has been very loyal to me despite her flaws and Lord knows I have plenty of my own. And I just feel like I owe her. And I can’t bare the thought of hurting her if I were to leave. It would break her heart. And she doesn’t have anybody else. No family. No one. And I’m not saying I want to leave. If I did though it would likely destroy her, quite literally. I’m just saying it’s crossed my mind at one point or another, but what relationships are perfect? She is very loyal and otherwise supportive and I have been happy recently. I am not ready to give up on it yet.

Things have been getting good until today. We have been laughing a lot and I had thought things had been going well. If this does end up not working out, I don’t think I’ll get into another relationship. They are far too much emotional/mental work.

She’s a very good, kind person. I just broke her trust so many times by relapsing in the past and sometimes I fear that the relationship is just too damaged to be repaired. And when she gets like this she throws up the past in my face even though it’s completely unrelated. I’m not innocent though. I lied when I had relapsed to hide it. I was ashamed and scared and so I did the cowardly thing and lied about it. But when she throws it up in my face just to get at me it makes me feel like guilty and I start dwelling on my regrets. It really sucks, but hey I did it.

I do have hope though that the relationship can become something great again.

Loyalty? Were you on a break when you went with the phreek with the needle porn or? Maybe she knows about that? No judgements btw, just being nosey about your arrangement there x

You’re right on the money. I told my mom about it and she just laughed and said yeah you’re definitely in the dog house. She said always tell a woman she’s a 12, just like you said.

Apparently, it’s a not-so uncommon mistake a lot of guys make. I guess guys and women are just different, because I really would be happy with an 8. Like I don’t model on the cover of GQ magazine so obviously I’m no 10 and would think someone was feeding me bs if they told me that but hey guess women are really from Jupiter and men from mars.

You should always listen to your mam. Mother knows best and everything.
I'm glad it seems to have worked out at least. To me it kinda sounds like she was wanting an argument asking you that. But yeah, 12 would have been the correct answer.
Did she rate you /10 by any chance? I'm curious to know what her answer would be to this, but DO NOT ask her now as it'll probably cause more upset. Wait for her to bring it up again, she probably will.
Women hey!? They're a fucking mystery, but one most men are determined to have a crack at.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Loyalty? Were you on a break when you went with the phreek with the needle porn or? Maybe she knows about that???

You should always listen to your man. Mother knows best and everything.
I'm glad it seems to have worked out at least. To me it kinda sounds like she was wanting an argument asking you that. But yeah, 12 would have been the correct answer.
Did she rate you /10 by any chance? I'm curious to know what her answer would be to this, but DO NOT ask her now as it'll probably cause more upset. Wait for her to bring it up again, she probably will.
Women hey!? They're a fucking mystery, but one most men are determined to have a crack at.

No she totally knows. We have an open relationship but maybe we shouldn’t anymore because maybe that’s impacting things. I wasn’t sneaking around on her at all. It’s out in the open with hookups. As long as they are just hookups she has been fine with it for years but maybe it’s time to chill out on that as she is getting older and more insecure. Probably really should change to a closed relationship but man the sex with getting some strange is just different then sleeping with the same partner for years. I am willing to sacrifice that though.

Nah, I never asked her to rate me. I am pretty self confident so just never occurred to me. I mean I’m no George Clooney but I seem to do alright.

 

[axe battler]

No she totally knows. We have an open relationship but maybe we shouldn’t anymore because maybe that’s impacting things. I wasn’t sneaking around on her at all. It’s out in the open with hookups. As long as they are just hookups she has been fine with it for years but maybe it’s time to chill out on that as she is getting older and more insecure. Probably really should change to a closed relationship but man the sex with getting some strange is just different then sleeping with the same partner for years. I am willing to sacrifice that though.

Nah, I never asked her to rate me. I am pretty self confident so just never occurred to me. I mean I’m no George Clooney but I seem to do alright.

Nice one man. I edited my post to say no judgements but forgot to hit save, sorry dude. Yeah I absolutely know what you mean about the hook ups man, having sex with someone new for the first time is amazing and exciting.
Having a really intimate and loving relationship is better, but man, new is pretty damn close. We're probably just pigs though haha. Kidding of course, you really don't sound at all like that; you really do seem quite thoughtful and self aware. She may be feeling a bit insecure due to that, might be time to slow it down if that's how she feels. Only if that's what she definitely wants though, and if she's enjoying keeping things open then fair enough.