Social Is Abuse Gendered?

[Eligiu]

I have been support worker for 20 years. My wife is a support worker. My uncle was a support worker before he retired. I worked in behaviours for some time. There is an extraordinary amount of abuse that occurs in this industry.

It's not my fault I was abused. I am very good at my job. There is no strategy to prevent it with certain participants.

Clients not being able to communicate is not anyone's fault, the issue is that no appropriate technology or adaptive communication devices have been introduced to their lives.

My client cannot communicate. He uses AAC but does not use it to communicate with support workers. He has no interest in verbal communication. His receptive communication is fine, his expressive is that of a toddler.

I repeatedly asked him not to hit me and told him that hitting me isn't okay. He stopped, then 5 minutes later would hit me again. When his mum came in to see what was going on he told her to go away (he can say a handful of short sentences) and she backed off, but then he went to follow her which normally results in her getting pummelled. I told him everything was okay and he could keep throwing shit around in his room until he felt better and to just finish what he was doing. He slammed the door a bunch of times before shutting it softly, punched me again before saying 'sorry Eli no hitting bad' then threw shit around in his room for another 5 minutes before he came out with the painting we had been doing. For the rest of the session he was fine, and the next day he was fine too. The issue was communication and having his life routine with support workers turned upside down in less than a week but by staying calm and not escalating the situation and helping him regulate, I was able to prevent it from continuing. This is a client who has had the police called on numerous occasions due to violence against his mother and stepfather.

Another time I took him to Woolworths after going to Coles which his mother thought might cause an issue. We were in there for 5 minutes before he lightly hit me twice and said 'leave' so I said 'you want to leave' and he nodded. Then we went home.

It may not always be about communication but in my experience as a support worker and being neurodivergent myself, more often than not it is a communication issue. For myself my behaviours of concern include severe self harm which is again a communication issue. It just doesn't hurt my support workers (more than them having to stay in the ER with me for 9 hours).

Other times it's an unmet need, often things with some clients like not having any sexual activity in their life (which they have a right to if they are able to give full and free consent). I know of many clients of other workers who had extreme behaviours of concern which went away after they used their funding for a professional sex worker (which is why that service is included in some people's funding).

Disabled people are more often victims of abuse by support workers than the other way around. I've had a worker use an unapproved restrictive practice on me where he left me at home with no food and no way to get food for 5 days. I've had a support worker sexually harass me and ask me questions about my genitals invasively because he knew I was trans. None of my other workers have ever asked me any such questions. I've had a support worker charge me for 2 hours of work ($80 an hour) for 20 minutes of support.

I have had workers for only 8 months and already had those experiences.

 

[bird.is.the.word]

Disabled people are more often victims of abuse by support workers than the other way around

No. They aren't. Agree to disagree. This is getting off topic.

 

[PtahTek]

Disabled people acting out physically is a result of inability to properly communicate

I have experienced this and have witnessed it myself. Great point and imo a global issue (commuication issues becoming a full fledged battle).

 

[bird.is.the.word]

@Eligiu

Apologies for being blunt earlier. I'm having a rough week.

I should point out (in case you don't know) there is currently a royal investigation into disability care. The support worker who left you for 5 days without food should be in jail, but - at the very least - they should be blacklisted and never work in the industry again.

I strongly encourage you to report these people. If you don't report them, they will continue to abuse others.

I'm truly sorry you had to tolerate that. As someone who's worked in the industry for two decades, that sort of thing is rare. You've had incredibly bad luck within a short space of time. Some agencies are dodgy. I'd also recommend switching to another care provider. You deserve better.

I often see support workers being neglectful and lazy, but rarely abusive... whereas I encounter abuse on a daily basis from clients. In one of the houses I work in (which is not a behaviour house), three out of five of the residents are abusive. Two of them are verbally abusive and the other one is violent. This is an easy house. I've worked in places that are completely fucked. ABI clients tend to be worse than non-verbal, IMO. A big part of the problem is there are no consequences for behaviours if you have a disability. Disabled people don't go to jail. They can do whatever they like. I've known numerous sexual predators who are disabled (including a paedophile) and they always just get a slap on the wrist.

 

[bird.is.the.word]

That "abuse is gendered" statement might sound sexist but it's bloody true. I was emotionally and physically abused by a woman once, but 95% of the time it's the MAN who is the abuser, the woman who is the victim. It's just the way it is. I don't know if it's testosterone or what, but men tend to be more violent than women.

I don't believe it is 95% with physical abuse and I certainly don't believe it's 95% for emotional abuse. I think women commit more emotional abuse and men commit more physical abuse in relationships, but I suspect there isn't a huge difference on either side.

Look at murder and assault statistics. Look at rape. Look everywhere. Sorry, but it's just a goddamn fact.

Men commit more murders and rapes. Yes. Neonaticide is almost always women. Women are also more likely to murder their children as infants. The former is probably largely caused by post-natal depression. It's not wildly unusual for animals to kill their young... but, then, it's not unusual for males (and females) to fight either.

Look at this:


*Apologies for quoting you from the other thread. When it was split your post wasn't moved but I wanted to respond.

A sizable minority of individuals arrested for domestic violence each year in the United States is female (Miller, 2005). For example, a study conducted in Tennessee found that 16% of those arrested for intimate partner violence were female (Feder & Henning, 2005); in Concord, New Hampshire, women comprised 35% of those arrested (Miller, 2005).

A Review of Research on Women’s Use of Violence With Male Intimate Partners - PMC

This article provides a review of research literature on women who use violence with intimate partners. The central purpose is to inform service providers in the military and civilian communities who work with domestically violent women. The major ...

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

So let's say 20% of arrests for domestic violence are female.

Do you really believe this number accurately reflects what is going on?

Speculating whether or not testosterone is the cause is a slippery slope. You're suggesting that men are inherently violent. I don't believe that's true. Normal levels of testosterone don't cause people to be violent.

You wouldn't conclude that black people are inherently violent based on stats, right? Because that's racist.

We should examine why there is more violence within certain groups of people.

A couple of people mentioned the size difference between men and women, which implies that it's human nature to take advantage... so - if women were bigger - they would be the violent ones... which means it has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with size.

Personally, I don't think it is human nature.

Children are born pure. The world corrupts us.

The opposite of original sin is true.

 

[arrall]

@bird.is.the.word did you just share a fucking Rollo Tomassi tweet?

 

[bird.is.the.word]

He's quoting (probably false) statistics to make a ludicrous point about a group of people. I thought it was appropriate.

 

[Vastness]

Eurgh, again I just skipped the thread, maybe I should stop being so lazy replying one of these days, but I'm inclined to say - actually nope, I just looked up the definition of "gendered" and, no, obviously it isn't. However, equally obviously, gender dynamics do play a role in how abuse manifests.

 

[AbbeyLee]

 

[Eligiu]

I do agree with you that women face a disproportionately high level of violence, but I must reiterate that they are far from the only victims. I attend a monthly group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse and anywhere from 10-30 men show up each month.

I have known friends who have been emotionally and even physically abused by women, though it never goes to far as to murder.

I know a guy I met in NA whose wife paid a hitman to kill him. Just because she wasn't willing to carry out the crime with her bare hands it doesn't make her not responsible.

I could sit here now and say that male on female abuse isn't very common compared to the extent and level of the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I experience as a trans person where even not two weeks ago a member of this forum wrote out literal written pornographic content regarding my numerous rapes by straight men and misgendered me at every chance he got and those comments stayed there for 30-45 minutes, out in the open for anyone to read about him describing a whole number of creative ways these men fucked me and degraded me without my consent. I could point to all of the corrective rapes, the murders after sex work experiences where men flip out that they fucked a trans woman and kill her, the sheer level of emotional vitriol we experience where we are labelled as degenerate pedophiles simply for daring to exist. The physical violence we face from those of us who wish us harm. My mum actually became *far* more concerned about my physical and mental wellbeing when I told her I wanted to transition because she was aware of the statistics. It doesn't paid a pretty picture.

So I could make the claim that abuse is an issue of being cisgender and transgender but it's not. Being transgender dramatically and exponentially increases your risk of experiencing physical, sexual, and emotional abuse on such a widespread scale those of us who do medically transition and transition across genders (rather than use use non binary pronouns and leave it at that) end up with at the bare minimum what is called minority stress and in my case, an exacerbation of my pre existing complex PTSD just by existing in society.

I could say that, but it would be fairly dismissive of cisgender victims of abuse including female victims, who also face higher rates than average.

Abuse isn't gendered any more so than being part of a certain demographic or two increases or decreases your risk of being victimised, and being a perpetrator.

It does not erase the existence of other victims and perpetrators.

And I do honestly take real issue with continually holding women up as the primary victims when in circumstances they are actually the perpetrator, which doesn't happen as infrequently as people like to think, they are given *less* than a slap on the wrist. You can acknowledge the higher chance of victimhood while also acknowledging that this status of being the everyday victim has resulted in women not being viewed as effective perpetrators due to their perceived weakness against men. You can actually do both and you should.

 

[AbbeyLee]

I do agree with you that women face a disproportionately high level of violence, but I must reiterate that they are far from the only victims. I attend a monthly group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse and anywhere from 10-30 men show up each month.

I have known friends who have been emotionally and even physically abused by women, though it never goes to far as to murder.

I know a guy I met in NA whose wife paid a hitman to kill him. Just because she wasn't willing to carry out the crime with her bare hands it doesn't make her not responsible.

I could sit here now and say that male on female abuse isn't very common compared to the extent and level of the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I experience as a trans person where even not two weeks ago a member of this forum wrote out literal written pornographic content regarding my numerous rapes by straight men and misgendered me at every chance he got and those comments stayed there for 30-45 minutes, out in the open for anyone to read about him describing a whole number of creative ways these men fucked me and degraded me without my consent. I could point to all of the corrective rapes, the murders after sex work experiences where men flip out that they fucked a trans woman and kill her, the sheer level of emotional vitriol we experience where we are labelled as degenerate pedophiles simply for daring to exist. The physical violence we face from those of us who wish us harm. My mum actually became *far* more concerned about my physical and mental wellbeing when I told her I wanted to transition because she was aware of the statistics. It doesn't paid a pretty picture.

So I could make the claim that abuse is an issue of being cisgender and transgender but it's not. Being transgender dramatically and exponentially increases your risk of experiencing physical, sexual, and emotional abuse on such a widespread scale those of us who do medically transition and transition across genders (rather than use use non binary pronouns and leave it at that) end up with at the bare minimum what is called minority stress and in my case, an exacerbation of my pre existing complex PTSD just by existing in society.

I could say that, but it would be fairly dismissive of cisgender victims of abuse including female victims, who also face higher rates than average.

Abuse isn't gendered any more so than being part of a certain demographic or two increases or decreases your risk of being victimised, and being a perpetrator.

It does not erase the existence of other victims and perpetrators.

And I do honestly take real issue with continually holding women up as the primary victims when in circumstances they are actually the perpetrator, which doesn't happen as infrequently as people like to think, they are given *less* than a slap on the wrist. You can acknowledge the higher chance of victimhood while also acknowledging that this status of being the everyday victim has resulted in women not being viewed as effective perpetrators due to their perceived weakness against men. You can actually do both and you should.

It's really just that we live in a "dominator" society where people are always a victim or a perpetrator. Terence McKenna talks about this a lot..

“What civilization is, is 6 billion people trying to make themselves happy by standing on each other’s shoulders and kicking each other’s teeth in. It’s not a pleasant situation.”​

On a different note though -- I've been physically abusive to men. I pulled a katana on one guy and had it to his throat. I nearly got arrested for that but when the cops told me to go to bed and sober up, I did.

Another time I bailed a guy up and had a screwdriver to his throat.

My redeeming thought is this: on both occasions I was blind drunk, seething with anger, and I didn't even draw blood. Some part of me knew it was wrong to physically hurt these guys.

Neither of them were exactly delicate and the one who copped the screwdriver had been in jail and was a known fighter.

So I question these killers' sense of right and wrong and their self-control.