My first post in this thread. Alcohol has definitely been a source of problems in my life but mostly just in recent years in regards to relationships. It has always been a source of relief from overwhelming issues floating around in my head. I've always been the type of person that could walk away from any habit but in recent times it seems I come back to alcohol to medicate my issues. I've never been to therapy and to be honest I feel that clinical therapy would probably just leave me feeling awkward and that it was a colossal waste of time for me. I've witnessed others go through therapy and it seems that they just pussyfoot around asking questions that they just reflect back onto the individual to sort through themselves. The thought of that seems to just piss me off about it and want a drink even more to escape the rambling bastard that I just paid for nothing. I would get better therapy from BL or some music or just picking on my guitar. That REALLY helps me a lot. It seems that I can let go of a lot of emotion just playing an instrument and stumbling across tones that seem to resonate with my feelings at the time. I've played many instruments since I was a young lad so it's easier for me to explore tones for emotion than it probably would be for some, though I'm just a self therapeutic player. That's literally why I do it. Maybe you should pick up an instrument and try it. I promise you the first time you hit a couple notes that resonate, it's like a language you can't speak but you feel it and it can flow out of you. Went down a rabbit hole there but back to the subject.
I've done a lot of drugs but always was able to walk away from them when playtime was over. I even quit cigarettes cold turkey for years after years of smoking and then I smoked again for some years. I quit them cold turkey some years ago and the smell of them make me gag today. I smoked crack with a friend after he and I had drank probably more than a case of beer and a fifth of whiskey. After I took a puff of the sizzly stuff, I immediately felt perfectly sober from where a drunk man stood a few short seconds before. I did this many times but walked away. Just didn't care enough about it to invest anything. By the way as a side note, I always thought Crack tasted like the smell of stale air from an inner tube or a basketball. ... I've done meth many times throughout my life and in many ways, though I've never shot anything because even the doctor better ask me if I'm ready before he/she stabs me with a needle! Don't like injections of any kind! Matter of fact I've got some good meth in the drawer right now but I haven't messed with it in many days because I over amped easy as you please last time I hit it and I didn't have a pleasant time but I managed ok. The shit must be near pure. I'll have to tread lightly one step at a time the next time I decide to touch it but I don't care if I went looking for it and it's gone missing. No biggie for me but you know what is a biggie for me? ALCOHOL!
I mentioned before in a different thread that I'm not a repulsive drinker. I don't get belligerent or violent. I'm a rather mellow drinker who tends to feel good, enjoy great music and conversations, gets hungry and finally gets sleepy. I've walked away from everything but alcohol. It's like I can't turn my back on it completely. I have a safety sensitive job that takes me out of town and I can go without alcohol for weeks and feel fine but once I'm off and I have time to reflect... it's a problem if I don't plan the day.
What I've found is that for me at least, moderation doesn't make me feel like I've failed. It seems to be a normal part of my culture except for the lack of moderation. There is a difference between urge and desire. There is a difference between what I like and what I don't like. There is a difference between what I enjoy consuming and what I do not. That line is elusive to the eye as it passes under your feet. I'm not telling anyone not to quit completely. By all means, do so if you feel you need it and more power to you!
I've watched alcoholics try and quit and the shame they had for slipping up and having a few sips absolutely pissed me off because the people who were supposed to be supporting them didn't say that's alright, just pick the ball back up and keep going. No big deal. NO! They stigmatized their actions and probably made the situation worse for the individual because stigmatizing that simple set back was actually telling that person that they have failed. I despise these types of people who haven't walked a mile in your shoes and I would go farther to say that their support for you was likely simply to gain support of their own from those surrounding them because no one that really cares about you in the abstract is ever going to tell you that this is the ultimate failure you've committed. You don't need those toxic kinds of people supporting you because they don't support you really! Let me ask you that if someone with a mental disability was being taught to stop acting out on some behavior that they were driven to do and after a month of being good, they offended again. What do think they would be told? ................?............. I'll tell you. They would be told that they were brave and strong and they've done good this far and everyone can see the improvements that they've been achieving. .................. Now here you are someone who has a problem with alcohol. I've been around the block so many times, I know that for the most part, your problem might be with alcohol but the alcohol isn't the root problem. NO WAY JOSE!........ The alcohol use is a byproduct of the underlying root problem! Now think about that. You might not be mentally handicapped like the last example but you are definitely a victim of a psychological issue and when loved ones and friends stigmatize you as simply a drunkard yet they raise up on a pedestal those with clearly visible mental challenges yet condemn you, what are they saying? I challenge you to answer that question in a loving manner because if you do it's going to expose some serious shortcomings of the very individuals whom you thought would reach down and offer a hand to you in your darkest hour! I am not impressed by narrow, self interested, unenlightened people who claim to be saints.
You do your best and I'll gladly tell you to keep going. For me, moderation is key and acceptable. I may one day just give it up and walk away but I will not be told that I chose my problem over a loved one. If I had chosen alcohol over a loved one, I'd be at the bar or out with friends getting hammered. I certainly wouldn't be with them trying to have a life and fight my problems ALL ALONE.
Sincerely and yours truly,
Love OVER_AMPER.
if u ever fancy whipping me at it give me a shout) and doing random things like painting and music (production, strumming guitar) even if it didn't look or sound great it was something different for a while. That would be my advice on anyone starting off cause for me personally I was going mad with cravings I couldn't enjoy anything that I automatically associated with what I did do to relax with a drink in fact I've only began enjoying music again to the extent I did before fully (and even more maybe) before getting dry. I'm not saying everyone's the same and since I was/am grieving a loss it will be another factor in the mix maybe but it might resonate with someone somewhere 
Maybe if you think 4 hours is enough you'll stress less and get more. Sleep is such a tricky business because the harder you try, the less likely you are to sleep.
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