BourbonMac
Bluelighter
Honestly, I kinda hate it. I mean, I love how well it manages my anxiety and OCD, which are out of control. It gets rid of my anorexia due to the most mild G.I problems that sometimes arise (a feeling like liquid is stuck in my upper chest/throat sometimes, this comes and goes with no pattern). I'm supposed to get an endoscopy done at some point to assess what might be going on.
My mind has thought acid reflux, narrowed esophagus, all the things, but I don't match like any of the symptoms. Today it struck randomly after I guzzled down some almond milk (I'm not allergic, I have it every night in chamomile/CBD tea). I'm immune to ANY G.I problems on valium period. Maybe due to how it relaxes the muscles. Or maybe anxiety is the primary component to all of those weird feelings, I just don't think it really is. I wasn't anxious before that liquidy throat feeling struck earlier. And I'm aware of what's known as "silent reflux" but I don't match 70% of those symptoms either. I know anxiety and stress are huge components to it, though. I'll often feel it at work and come home and it's gone. And whenever it happens I tend to freak out, even though it will pass. It kind of feels like a burp that gets stuck, and it might be. I've had some sort of motility issues going on and burping is rather difficult for me lately.
I only take it at night since it tends to make me so tired. So why do I hate it? Well, because I hate that nothing else is able to help me this much. I've tried all sorts of anti-depressants and alternative anxiety meds like atarax and buspirone and nothing is sustainable.
For the time being, the benefits outweigh the risks. But how long is this safe? I won't increase my dose past 10mg a day, often I'll just take 7.5-8mg a night. But I do have a bad habit of taking cimetidine beforehand. I noticed without the cimetidine it wasn't quite as useful, but I'm not sure. I was wired on sudafed for a sinus headache that day and it might be why I didn't feel the sedation like normal.
I know some people take benzos for a long time. I'd rather not. I'd rather have a normal brain and no C-PTSD, OCD, depression and anxiety. I'm going to attempt to mingle with other anti-depressants for now and see if there's a good one. I've tried nearly half of them, but buproprion is one I recently started on about 10-12 days ago, though I'm on the lowest dose. It's rapid release vs. extended, because I heard it can cause insomnia. I definitely notice a stimulating effect from it, because it technically is a stimulant as well. I'll have to increase the dose to 150mg in a couple days or whenever if I cut a pill in half. I'm also on Cymbalta and have been for years, but it does diddly.
I was taking 20mg at night because I'd been trying to taper off, convinced I don't need anti-depressants anymore, but a series of health problems arising in the past 3 months have made me realize, yeah, I need them. The things that make me want to die are sometimes quite irrational and go against everything I believe in. When I want to die, it's because I'm being taken over by the darkness. I'm the light. And I have so much potential and so many gifts/talents that I need to learn to utilize effectively. Also having ADHD doesn't help, but buproprion can help ADHD as well it seems. I do take ritalin mostly in the mornings, I'm not fond of traditional stimulants, but ritalin and I get along pretty well for the most part.
It helps me be productive, but not necessarily towards the things I should be. E.g, I'll do a lot of cleaning, organizing, planning things out, but not pursuing my creative potential as a writer (whether it be stories, poetry, music). I'm highly self critical which doesn't help. But I know some of what I've written is quite good. A lot of it is in pieces, I've got tons of half finished poems or songs that have sat around for years.
Anyway, with unneeded backstory aside, I wish valium wasn't the drug that gave me this much relief. I never wanted to get into benzos. I don't abuse it or find it particularly addicting, but it is an enjoyable feeling, I can't deny that. Normally I used THC as an anxiety med, smoking weed mainly, but I've got that on pause because of sinus issues I've had for months which may likely require surgery. I often felt smoking or vaping or even edibles could cause me headaches as well. I'm not sure why, maybe due to some change of pressure around the eyes having an impact on the sinuses (the ones behind the cheeks). I'm not allergic to THC or ragweed. Maybe once all that's taken care of, I'll start lighting up again and ditch the valium. But I know it isn't that simple either. THC is a great drug for my personal development, acceptance of harsh realities, and numbing pain at the same time, but it doesn't touch my OCD like valium does. I've got some germaphobia in there (it's mostly intrusive thoughts etc.), and I will eat food straight up off a dirty floor on this shit without worrying. I've done it several times lol.
I don't know how long I can be taking it before withdrawals would get very bad. Maybe they wouldn't be so awful at the dose I'm on, because I just don't want to be on it anymore. Sure, it's enjoyable in many ways, but that's mostly because I know how well it helps me during such a troubling time. 2022 has been THE worst year of my life. If I went more into it this would end up too long. The biggest joke of all is that I'm on a 3 month wait list to see a therapist in my area, lmao. Thank you covid for fucking up the medical system all over this country.
My mind has thought acid reflux, narrowed esophagus, all the things, but I don't match like any of the symptoms. Today it struck randomly after I guzzled down some almond milk (I'm not allergic, I have it every night in chamomile/CBD tea). I'm immune to ANY G.I problems on valium period. Maybe due to how it relaxes the muscles. Or maybe anxiety is the primary component to all of those weird feelings, I just don't think it really is. I wasn't anxious before that liquidy throat feeling struck earlier. And I'm aware of what's known as "silent reflux" but I don't match 70% of those symptoms either. I know anxiety and stress are huge components to it, though. I'll often feel it at work and come home and it's gone. And whenever it happens I tend to freak out, even though it will pass. It kind of feels like a burp that gets stuck, and it might be. I've had some sort of motility issues going on and burping is rather difficult for me lately.
I only take it at night since it tends to make me so tired. So why do I hate it? Well, because I hate that nothing else is able to help me this much. I've tried all sorts of anti-depressants and alternative anxiety meds like atarax and buspirone and nothing is sustainable.
For the time being, the benefits outweigh the risks. But how long is this safe? I won't increase my dose past 10mg a day, often I'll just take 7.5-8mg a night. But I do have a bad habit of taking cimetidine beforehand. I noticed without the cimetidine it wasn't quite as useful, but I'm not sure. I was wired on sudafed for a sinus headache that day and it might be why I didn't feel the sedation like normal.
I know some people take benzos for a long time. I'd rather not. I'd rather have a normal brain and no C-PTSD, OCD, depression and anxiety. I'm going to attempt to mingle with other anti-depressants for now and see if there's a good one. I've tried nearly half of them, but buproprion is one I recently started on about 10-12 days ago, though I'm on the lowest dose. It's rapid release vs. extended, because I heard it can cause insomnia. I definitely notice a stimulating effect from it, because it technically is a stimulant as well. I'll have to increase the dose to 150mg in a couple days or whenever if I cut a pill in half. I'm also on Cymbalta and have been for years, but it does diddly.
I was taking 20mg at night because I'd been trying to taper off, convinced I don't need anti-depressants anymore, but a series of health problems arising in the past 3 months have made me realize, yeah, I need them. The things that make me want to die are sometimes quite irrational and go against everything I believe in. When I want to die, it's because I'm being taken over by the darkness. I'm the light. And I have so much potential and so many gifts/talents that I need to learn to utilize effectively. Also having ADHD doesn't help, but buproprion can help ADHD as well it seems. I do take ritalin mostly in the mornings, I'm not fond of traditional stimulants, but ritalin and I get along pretty well for the most part.
It helps me be productive, but not necessarily towards the things I should be. E.g, I'll do a lot of cleaning, organizing, planning things out, but not pursuing my creative potential as a writer (whether it be stories, poetry, music). I'm highly self critical which doesn't help. But I know some of what I've written is quite good. A lot of it is in pieces, I've got tons of half finished poems or songs that have sat around for years.
Anyway, with unneeded backstory aside, I wish valium wasn't the drug that gave me this much relief. I never wanted to get into benzos. I don't abuse it or find it particularly addicting, but it is an enjoyable feeling, I can't deny that. Normally I used THC as an anxiety med, smoking weed mainly, but I've got that on pause because of sinus issues I've had for months which may likely require surgery. I often felt smoking or vaping or even edibles could cause me headaches as well. I'm not sure why, maybe due to some change of pressure around the eyes having an impact on the sinuses (the ones behind the cheeks). I'm not allergic to THC or ragweed. Maybe once all that's taken care of, I'll start lighting up again and ditch the valium. But I know it isn't that simple either. THC is a great drug for my personal development, acceptance of harsh realities, and numbing pain at the same time, but it doesn't touch my OCD like valium does. I've got some germaphobia in there (it's mostly intrusive thoughts etc.), and I will eat food straight up off a dirty floor on this shit without worrying. I've done it several times lol.
I don't know how long I can be taking it before withdrawals would get very bad. Maybe they wouldn't be so awful at the dose I'm on, because I just don't want to be on it anymore. Sure, it's enjoyable in many ways, but that's mostly because I know how well it helps me during such a troubling time. 2022 has been THE worst year of my life. If I went more into it this would end up too long. The biggest joke of all is that I'm on a 3 month wait list to see a therapist in my area, lmao. Thank you covid for fucking up the medical system all over this country.
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