Eligiu
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2017
- Messages
- 1,428
So I had two close friends, let's call them H and J. I met both of them in 2016/2017 but only became close in 2017. This will be a very long post so sorry in advance.
H kind of barged into my life during the absolute rock bottom of my meth and heroin addiction and I was grasping at anything that would help at that stage. I'd tried youth drug and alcohol counselling, 12 steps, ORT. You name it, short of rehab (which I couldn't do as no one in my family knew I was using) I had done. One day H spoke to me at a coffee shop and shared just enough about himself that I thought he might be able to help, despite only having known me 'well' for about 6 months through being in the same German class. My old housemate had tried to help me, but he could never tell when I was high, so it was impossible for him to do anything. He thought I used once or twice every few months when it was more like 3-4 times a week as long as I had the money.
At the same time H offered to help I looked into outpatient rehab myself and decided to give it a try and signed onto the waiting list. During the period of waiting he made it pretty clear that he was acting as a sort of 'non 12 step sponsor' - he made himself and his home available to me (sans narcotics but tolerable if I'd just used and he picked me up) available essentially 24/7. He would meet me at uni to hang out if I was getting cravings to stop me from buying drugs. This continued into me going to outpatient - he was extremely keen on offering me advice and seemed to pride himself on it. The only rule was my honesty.
He also figured out very quickly that there was a lot of trauma in my life. When we met up to sort of set up the 'helping arrangement' and any rules he asked me what my childhood was like and I was as honest as I could be (I was far from ready to talk about it) but my answers gave him everything he needed to know.
Now, H had a bit of a habit of shunting me and my needs to the side whenever he got into a particularly serious relationship and telling me I had everything sorted (despite the fact that I well and truly didn't - the outpatient programme let me overstay my welcome because my trauma was ongoing and they knew if they graduated me I would be using again within days so I ended up staying in a 4 month treatment programme for 2 years before finding individual counselling in the form of a trauma informed drug and alcohol social worker. Aside from the social worker, my main help was H because as soon as the relationship was over, he'd slip back into helping me like he never even left.
After around 2 years when I was doing some reading on cPTSD online I came across something called the Karpman Drama Triangle (search online if you want) where there is essentially a persecutor (in my case, my family of origin), the victim (me, somewhat unwillingly at this stage once I realised what was happening) and a rescuer (H, who had the unfortunate habit of delivering hour long lectures to me about my past mistakes, complex family issues, trauma, and lifelong victimisation). I desperately wanted out of this situation so I tried to turn H into a coach who could assist me when necessary, but only when solicited. I had... Mixed results. Sometimes it seemed like the only reason he called me was to talk about my issues for an hour even when I didn't bring them up and really just wanted to chat about him, or we'd go out to dinner and on returning to my place he would bring up my family situation which I didn't want to discuss but felt obligated to. I was getting enough help in therapy. I didn't need him stepping in with his desire to 'get rid of my dad for me' or whatever else he came up with.
He started dating a woman 2-3 years who who he spent $15,000 getting out of a pretty extreme DV relationship with an IV meth user (same ROA as me) and very quickly within 6 months was talking about marrying her and moved in with her and her 2 kids. I've heard and witnessed him do and say, let's say, questionable things to the kids including giving the silent treatment to the 7 year old because he wanted to sit with his biological dad at a sport game, as well as frequently yelling at them when a stern voice would suffice. At one stage he used the money he spent in an argument against the woman and was displeased when I pointed out that was financially abusive.
Over time his tolerance to my drug use waned. I overdosed on Xmas Day 2019 and told him 2 weeks later, but multiple times throughout the year he would tell me he wished that the ex partner would die of a meth OD and would refer to the drug users down the street as 'IV meth addicts' as if that somehow made them more irritating, which I find hard to believe. Anyone who is solidly addicted to meth will be a pain in the ass. He didn't really seem to consider how those comments affected me, and in the end when I slipped up in March 2019 for once I just didn't tell him until 9 months later. The real change happened when I tapered off Suboxone. I started resented going to the chemist every day and came off too early and slipped up almost immediately (around April 2021) and true to form I told him, like I was meant to. He just said 'I'm sorry I'm not able to be around to help right now, we are moving houses and it's flat out.' From that moment on though, something between us changed. We'd been hitting the gym once a week for 3 months before that (coicidentally also the only time I felt like the friendship was equal as well, maybe because in the gym I actually knew more and was the one with the advice, but also there was a lack of discussion about any of my issues in any depth. Just two guys at the gym). He went from talking to me during the day a few times and responding to texts within a day to taking a full week to reply, if that. And leaving me hanging on pretty important messages. This lasted around 8 months. I made it clear during the 8 months I wanted more contact (purely as a friend - phone calls for updates about his life, coffee to keep up to date with him and his family) but I was constantly rebuffed. I asked him for serious help twice during that time (once to do with family, another self-harm for his nursing experience) and he gave me a call to check on me both nights. When I slipped up on heroin after 3 years and told him he didn't even reply, and at one stage when I did see him during that period I mentioned thinking I was done with meth as I'd made it a year and he sort of just agreed then shut the conversation down. After I self harmed he told me if I did it again he would get me admitted to the hospital by getting on the phone with the doctor assessing me and explaining how much of a risk I was to myself (I have been turned away 8 times in 5 years while suicidal and in psychosis and the only time they kept me overnight was when my old housemate stayed at the hospital with me for 8 hours. H knew all this information).
Cutting to 3 weeks ago, the cause of our friendship breakdown. I was prescribed a trial of Dexamphetamine for Narcolepsy and then had to come off it while waiting for official approval due to my substance use history (which is soon to be authorised this week). The stimulant withdrawal triggered a depressive episode, and other life stress (family, etc) caused me to relapse into cutting, and consider what I did the last time that required me contacting H, which was a 3rd degree burn. I desperately wanted to avoid that so I asked him for help. His response was... Bizarre. I'm on the National Disability Insurance Scheme in Australia for level 3 autism and cptsd and bipolar, but my level of funding is 50% of what it should be. H was very supportive of me getting NDIS and even wrote a support letter when I asked, discussing my many issues during when we'd known eachother. I'd told him a week prior to this I was initiating a review for the correct funding, and applying for Short Term Accommodation to have to utilise instead of the hospital psych unit. He agreed it was a good idea. In his response though, he told me to use my funding (which he knew I couldn't afford) and when I said I couldn't afford it (a 5 day stay costs me a month and a half of daily support workers and I can't justify that until I have the right amount) he told me to do a review that he already knew I was doing. Then he said he wasn't my 'case manager' but he'd see what he could do.
Well I might be pretty autistic but I picked up on the cues. I asked a different friend (A) who happened to have experience getting admitted to inpatient at this exact hospital and they offered to come with me and stay. A stayed from 4pm - midnight. I kept H updated at reasonable hours, but their weird response was bugging me. Originally I was getting sent home (and again, I didn't pester H I just accepted my fate until I spoke to the dead nurse and said something so concerning it caused me to get reassessed) but then I was admitted to the short stay unit. I waited a few hours, then texted H. I asked him if the original 'promise' was a promise or a threat, and that I was really confused by his response as it seemed like I was putting him in a difficult position by asking him to follow through on something he'd promise not 2 months prior. He firstly responded by telling me he was 'sorry I was confused' which is a bit of a non apology where you blame the person for their feelings, but then he went on to just dodge the question I asked and tell me why he couldn't help (too busy with XYZ, doesn't want to, wants to be my friend not my case worker, said it felt like he was being asked to be a case worker). I accepted all of that and told him and said that's why I asked Alex, but then asked again why he would make a promise or a threat then ask as though I've somehow done something wrong - I pointed out I've never asked him to do this in 5 years of friendship as there was never an explicit offer and I only asked because I thought he wanted to help. He continued dodging the question. Eventually I tired of it and told him I get really agitated when people say one thing and do another and their actions don't match their words (both autism and trauma and he and I have talked about this before) plus I was sick to death of all his broken promises over the past 3 months of phone calls and catching up one on one like we used too or getting coffee. I told him that if he hadn't made the offer then I wouldn't have made myself vulnerable thinking I had someone to help me and he wouldn't have felt like he was being used as a case worker and we would have both been happier. I told him I'd talk to him in a few days when I got out and he did a thumbs up.
When I got out he then basically said I had 'acted like an asshole, guilt tripped him, and tried to blame him for an outcome I wanted but didn't get.'
To this day I remain confused as my only desired outcome was getting admitted and I actually ended up doing it even without A. I ripped into H for not apologising for his own part in what transpired, as I did say sorry for not being able to let go of the 'actions don't match words' thing, but I got zero out of him. Our final interaction was me telling him that I'd spoken to a bunch of friends and told them what happened and they all said he gaslit me, then emotionally manipulated me and generally just treated me poorly so I wanted to have a discussion with him about his thoughts on that. He said 'goodbye mate don't message me again.' and deleted me, then his partner blocked me on Facebook (which I find odd since he didn't and I can actually still message him).
Am I right in thinking this friendship was kind of fucked and I'm better without it? When I realised we weren't friends anymore I had a wave of relief across my body and I realised my severe anxiety over the past 10 months was due to feeling like a (therapy term) disorganised attachment to someone I had only just managed to finally form a secure attachment with after 4 years. Now I don't worry about whether he actually likes me or just pities me. He and I aren't friends anymore so who cares.
**H had a habit of 'joking' about inappropriately touching me because it made me desperately uncomfortable due to trauma and on once occasion actually did the exact thing that is a major trigger for me. No apology. I actually apologised for almost punching him. Getting an apology out of H was like pulling teeth.
J I was closer to and also didn't have a sponsor relationship with. But he had a hard on for H because H was in the military and advised him to work in national security, which he did. J and I talked way more than J and H did and although we had fights, we generally resolved them. J immediately sided with H and said I was 'emotionally manipulative' even after I pointed out that immediately problem solving and asking someone else for help instead of staying home and self-harming is the literal opposite of emotional manipulation. He also didn't see the issue in H dodging the question and said he was probably 'tired of helping' even though H and my only interactions between the promise and the hospital was him coming to my bday, and me helping him paint his house for two days. I found out during this argument that J recently called H during his and my last argument where he was asking me why I'm 'more autistic' since getting diagnosed (I stopped/lost the ability to mask and realised I was happier being myself) and then said 'why can't you go back to the way you were before? This new retarded version of you is annoying.'
I told him he could apologise for that, or stop being my friend because I'm not going back to being that suicidal ever. I was put under suicide watch at community mental health care for autistic burnout. Apparently he needed to call H to vent about me and get input into whether I was worth apologising to over that (which is also the only time I've ever asked him to apologise, I had a nasty habit of always apologising no matter who messed up just to smooth things over).
J also said my 'overreliance on people ruins my relationships with them.' I was over-reliant on H and J in the past. But that was long gone. I asked H for help 3 times in 12 months, the other two times he was perfectly happy to help, and I stopped asking J for help after he asked me not to since he lived interstate and felt powerless to help. I was underreliant on friends this year to the extent of a nasty 6 month long opiate relapse ending with heroin and a planned heroin OD following my brother's wedding that nobody knew about and many of my friends still are unaware of.
J then said I 'needed to stop waiting for everyone else to do things to help me and start helping myself.' This really frustrated me because H's promise was based on my many unsuccessful attempts without an advocate into getting admitted, with him knowing that information. In spite of that, I actually did do it myself. I also got onto Suboxone myself after using heroin, then stopped my OD and referred myself to Mental Health Triage and the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre for acute suicidal behaviour. I got referred to community mental health by myself, then to something called the National Psychosocial Support Measure which I asked for since they help with NDIS applications. I did the bulk of my NDIS application myself (something which most disabled people can't do without an advocate) which included attending multitudes of medical appointments and assessments and organising all of that and the evidence and reports I needed. So in the past 6 months I have gotten myself from a planned OD to having a $75,000 (and that's the low version) NDIS plan which allows me to attend various therapies I need to survive and thrive and have the support workers 5-6 times a week that I need to function as well as pay for cleaning. I did that on my own, without any suggestions. So I quite frankly feel insulted that he believes I've spent the last year jerking off and waiting for people to save me when I've proved time and time again that I can and do help myself.
I told him that all of my friends thought H really screwed me, and some of them think he's a really average person (I later found out a bunch of my friends viewed him as having a bit of a saviour complex with me, as well as being extremely arrogant and conceited. They only tolerated him because I idolised him for saving my life).
I cut it off with J but I told him why. I explained that H actually held me back and I'd had weird vibes in the friendship for years which I tried to change but to no avail, and that it seemed he only wanted to be my friend when he got something out of it, and that the last 10 months of our friendship made me realise the only other person in my life I've had such mixed messages from are my dad, which is a pretty poor effort from a so called friend, and someone who called me one of his best mates at that. I pointed out that I found out he bought a house through social media, and that all my best efforts at just being a friend were ignored or thrown to the side. He even basically ignored me the one time I went to his step kids soccer game in August and just spoke with his partner and I'm like 'I get panic attacks leaving the house and I came here to see you, you aren't even gonna chat with me?' To get him to even come to my 2 hour long birthday breakfast I had to invite his partner, otherwise he was basically disinterested. All my other friends came without partners.
H also made a comment about my autism saying he thought I was 'overdiagnosed' (i.e not level 3 socially). This was really hurtful as my disgnosis was a structured interview based off my lived experiences with a woman who has 15 years experience in disgnosis of women and transgender (me) people who are diagnosed as adults. I sent him a decent text explaining why what he said was crappy because I told her all the stuff I do in private at home regarding my social abilities that my friends don't know about (like bash myself in the head calling myself retarded for talking too much or too little or sending a text that might be annoying or basically just communicating at all) and pointed out that I am situationally mute - and he's witnessed it. No response, not even an acknowledgement.
I'm sorry this was so long. I did do a bunch of journalling about it after I slipped up and used meth for the first time in ages after falling out with these two, but I tend to rely on meth to do some very introspective journalling. I wrote them both open letters they'll obviously never read which got some stuff off my chest.
What do you guys think? Am I better off without these guys? I'm not saying the entire friendships were bad - I think a big part of the issue was them moving forwards with life and me finally getting kneecapped by multiple disabilties. J was never very sympathetic about any of my issues, everytime I had a mood episode he would blame me for it (as if I somehow have control over my bipolar). H was better, but a not insignificant part of me wonders whether helping me was really done out of goodness, because he seemed to really get a kick out of being introduced to my friends (who obviously all knew who he was and would go 'oh you're H I've heard good things about you) yet curiously, I only met H's friends once at his 30th birthday and he kept his life completely seperated from mine, but wanted to meet all my friends. It was kind of odd.
Anyway enough rambling. Thoughts? Advice on how to progress through this? Losing friends is as close to a romantic break up as I'll ever get as I don't date. How long will I keep thinking about them for on a daily basis?
H kind of barged into my life during the absolute rock bottom of my meth and heroin addiction and I was grasping at anything that would help at that stage. I'd tried youth drug and alcohol counselling, 12 steps, ORT. You name it, short of rehab (which I couldn't do as no one in my family knew I was using) I had done. One day H spoke to me at a coffee shop and shared just enough about himself that I thought he might be able to help, despite only having known me 'well' for about 6 months through being in the same German class. My old housemate had tried to help me, but he could never tell when I was high, so it was impossible for him to do anything. He thought I used once or twice every few months when it was more like 3-4 times a week as long as I had the money.
At the same time H offered to help I looked into outpatient rehab myself and decided to give it a try and signed onto the waiting list. During the period of waiting he made it pretty clear that he was acting as a sort of 'non 12 step sponsor' - he made himself and his home available to me (sans narcotics but tolerable if I'd just used and he picked me up) available essentially 24/7. He would meet me at uni to hang out if I was getting cravings to stop me from buying drugs. This continued into me going to outpatient - he was extremely keen on offering me advice and seemed to pride himself on it. The only rule was my honesty.
He also figured out very quickly that there was a lot of trauma in my life. When we met up to sort of set up the 'helping arrangement' and any rules he asked me what my childhood was like and I was as honest as I could be (I was far from ready to talk about it) but my answers gave him everything he needed to know.
Now, H had a bit of a habit of shunting me and my needs to the side whenever he got into a particularly serious relationship and telling me I had everything sorted (despite the fact that I well and truly didn't - the outpatient programme let me overstay my welcome because my trauma was ongoing and they knew if they graduated me I would be using again within days so I ended up staying in a 4 month treatment programme for 2 years before finding individual counselling in the form of a trauma informed drug and alcohol social worker. Aside from the social worker, my main help was H because as soon as the relationship was over, he'd slip back into helping me like he never even left.
After around 2 years when I was doing some reading on cPTSD online I came across something called the Karpman Drama Triangle (search online if you want) where there is essentially a persecutor (in my case, my family of origin), the victim (me, somewhat unwillingly at this stage once I realised what was happening) and a rescuer (H, who had the unfortunate habit of delivering hour long lectures to me about my past mistakes, complex family issues, trauma, and lifelong victimisation). I desperately wanted out of this situation so I tried to turn H into a coach who could assist me when necessary, but only when solicited. I had... Mixed results. Sometimes it seemed like the only reason he called me was to talk about my issues for an hour even when I didn't bring them up and really just wanted to chat about him, or we'd go out to dinner and on returning to my place he would bring up my family situation which I didn't want to discuss but felt obligated to. I was getting enough help in therapy. I didn't need him stepping in with his desire to 'get rid of my dad for me' or whatever else he came up with.
He started dating a woman 2-3 years who who he spent $15,000 getting out of a pretty extreme DV relationship with an IV meth user (same ROA as me) and very quickly within 6 months was talking about marrying her and moved in with her and her 2 kids. I've heard and witnessed him do and say, let's say, questionable things to the kids including giving the silent treatment to the 7 year old because he wanted to sit with his biological dad at a sport game, as well as frequently yelling at them when a stern voice would suffice. At one stage he used the money he spent in an argument against the woman and was displeased when I pointed out that was financially abusive.
Over time his tolerance to my drug use waned. I overdosed on Xmas Day 2019 and told him 2 weeks later, but multiple times throughout the year he would tell me he wished that the ex partner would die of a meth OD and would refer to the drug users down the street as 'IV meth addicts' as if that somehow made them more irritating, which I find hard to believe. Anyone who is solidly addicted to meth will be a pain in the ass. He didn't really seem to consider how those comments affected me, and in the end when I slipped up in March 2019 for once I just didn't tell him until 9 months later. The real change happened when I tapered off Suboxone. I started resented going to the chemist every day and came off too early and slipped up almost immediately (around April 2021) and true to form I told him, like I was meant to. He just said 'I'm sorry I'm not able to be around to help right now, we are moving houses and it's flat out.' From that moment on though, something between us changed. We'd been hitting the gym once a week for 3 months before that (coicidentally also the only time I felt like the friendship was equal as well, maybe because in the gym I actually knew more and was the one with the advice, but also there was a lack of discussion about any of my issues in any depth. Just two guys at the gym). He went from talking to me during the day a few times and responding to texts within a day to taking a full week to reply, if that. And leaving me hanging on pretty important messages. This lasted around 8 months. I made it clear during the 8 months I wanted more contact (purely as a friend - phone calls for updates about his life, coffee to keep up to date with him and his family) but I was constantly rebuffed. I asked him for serious help twice during that time (once to do with family, another self-harm for his nursing experience) and he gave me a call to check on me both nights. When I slipped up on heroin after 3 years and told him he didn't even reply, and at one stage when I did see him during that period I mentioned thinking I was done with meth as I'd made it a year and he sort of just agreed then shut the conversation down. After I self harmed he told me if I did it again he would get me admitted to the hospital by getting on the phone with the doctor assessing me and explaining how much of a risk I was to myself (I have been turned away 8 times in 5 years while suicidal and in psychosis and the only time they kept me overnight was when my old housemate stayed at the hospital with me for 8 hours. H knew all this information).
Cutting to 3 weeks ago, the cause of our friendship breakdown. I was prescribed a trial of Dexamphetamine for Narcolepsy and then had to come off it while waiting for official approval due to my substance use history (which is soon to be authorised this week). The stimulant withdrawal triggered a depressive episode, and other life stress (family, etc) caused me to relapse into cutting, and consider what I did the last time that required me contacting H, which was a 3rd degree burn. I desperately wanted to avoid that so I asked him for help. His response was... Bizarre. I'm on the National Disability Insurance Scheme in Australia for level 3 autism and cptsd and bipolar, but my level of funding is 50% of what it should be. H was very supportive of me getting NDIS and even wrote a support letter when I asked, discussing my many issues during when we'd known eachother. I'd told him a week prior to this I was initiating a review for the correct funding, and applying for Short Term Accommodation to have to utilise instead of the hospital psych unit. He agreed it was a good idea. In his response though, he told me to use my funding (which he knew I couldn't afford) and when I said I couldn't afford it (a 5 day stay costs me a month and a half of daily support workers and I can't justify that until I have the right amount) he told me to do a review that he already knew I was doing. Then he said he wasn't my 'case manager' but he'd see what he could do.
Well I might be pretty autistic but I picked up on the cues. I asked a different friend (A) who happened to have experience getting admitted to inpatient at this exact hospital and they offered to come with me and stay. A stayed from 4pm - midnight. I kept H updated at reasonable hours, but their weird response was bugging me. Originally I was getting sent home (and again, I didn't pester H I just accepted my fate until I spoke to the dead nurse and said something so concerning it caused me to get reassessed) but then I was admitted to the short stay unit. I waited a few hours, then texted H. I asked him if the original 'promise' was a promise or a threat, and that I was really confused by his response as it seemed like I was putting him in a difficult position by asking him to follow through on something he'd promise not 2 months prior. He firstly responded by telling me he was 'sorry I was confused' which is a bit of a non apology where you blame the person for their feelings, but then he went on to just dodge the question I asked and tell me why he couldn't help (too busy with XYZ, doesn't want to, wants to be my friend not my case worker, said it felt like he was being asked to be a case worker). I accepted all of that and told him and said that's why I asked Alex, but then asked again why he would make a promise or a threat then ask as though I've somehow done something wrong - I pointed out I've never asked him to do this in 5 years of friendship as there was never an explicit offer and I only asked because I thought he wanted to help. He continued dodging the question. Eventually I tired of it and told him I get really agitated when people say one thing and do another and their actions don't match their words (both autism and trauma and he and I have talked about this before) plus I was sick to death of all his broken promises over the past 3 months of phone calls and catching up one on one like we used too or getting coffee. I told him that if he hadn't made the offer then I wouldn't have made myself vulnerable thinking I had someone to help me and he wouldn't have felt like he was being used as a case worker and we would have both been happier. I told him I'd talk to him in a few days when I got out and he did a thumbs up.
When I got out he then basically said I had 'acted like an asshole, guilt tripped him, and tried to blame him for an outcome I wanted but didn't get.'
To this day I remain confused as my only desired outcome was getting admitted and I actually ended up doing it even without A. I ripped into H for not apologising for his own part in what transpired, as I did say sorry for not being able to let go of the 'actions don't match words' thing, but I got zero out of him. Our final interaction was me telling him that I'd spoken to a bunch of friends and told them what happened and they all said he gaslit me, then emotionally manipulated me and generally just treated me poorly so I wanted to have a discussion with him about his thoughts on that. He said 'goodbye mate don't message me again.' and deleted me, then his partner blocked me on Facebook (which I find odd since he didn't and I can actually still message him).
Am I right in thinking this friendship was kind of fucked and I'm better without it? When I realised we weren't friends anymore I had a wave of relief across my body and I realised my severe anxiety over the past 10 months was due to feeling like a (therapy term) disorganised attachment to someone I had only just managed to finally form a secure attachment with after 4 years. Now I don't worry about whether he actually likes me or just pities me. He and I aren't friends anymore so who cares.
**H had a habit of 'joking' about inappropriately touching me because it made me desperately uncomfortable due to trauma and on once occasion actually did the exact thing that is a major trigger for me. No apology. I actually apologised for almost punching him. Getting an apology out of H was like pulling teeth.
J I was closer to and also didn't have a sponsor relationship with. But he had a hard on for H because H was in the military and advised him to work in national security, which he did. J and I talked way more than J and H did and although we had fights, we generally resolved them. J immediately sided with H and said I was 'emotionally manipulative' even after I pointed out that immediately problem solving and asking someone else for help instead of staying home and self-harming is the literal opposite of emotional manipulation. He also didn't see the issue in H dodging the question and said he was probably 'tired of helping' even though H and my only interactions between the promise and the hospital was him coming to my bday, and me helping him paint his house for two days. I found out during this argument that J recently called H during his and my last argument where he was asking me why I'm 'more autistic' since getting diagnosed (I stopped/lost the ability to mask and realised I was happier being myself) and then said 'why can't you go back to the way you were before? This new retarded version of you is annoying.'
I told him he could apologise for that, or stop being my friend because I'm not going back to being that suicidal ever. I was put under suicide watch at community mental health care for autistic burnout. Apparently he needed to call H to vent about me and get input into whether I was worth apologising to over that (which is also the only time I've ever asked him to apologise, I had a nasty habit of always apologising no matter who messed up just to smooth things over).
J also said my 'overreliance on people ruins my relationships with them.' I was over-reliant on H and J in the past. But that was long gone. I asked H for help 3 times in 12 months, the other two times he was perfectly happy to help, and I stopped asking J for help after he asked me not to since he lived interstate and felt powerless to help. I was underreliant on friends this year to the extent of a nasty 6 month long opiate relapse ending with heroin and a planned heroin OD following my brother's wedding that nobody knew about and many of my friends still are unaware of.
J then said I 'needed to stop waiting for everyone else to do things to help me and start helping myself.' This really frustrated me because H's promise was based on my many unsuccessful attempts without an advocate into getting admitted, with him knowing that information. In spite of that, I actually did do it myself. I also got onto Suboxone myself after using heroin, then stopped my OD and referred myself to Mental Health Triage and the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre for acute suicidal behaviour. I got referred to community mental health by myself, then to something called the National Psychosocial Support Measure which I asked for since they help with NDIS applications. I did the bulk of my NDIS application myself (something which most disabled people can't do without an advocate) which included attending multitudes of medical appointments and assessments and organising all of that and the evidence and reports I needed. So in the past 6 months I have gotten myself from a planned OD to having a $75,000 (and that's the low version) NDIS plan which allows me to attend various therapies I need to survive and thrive and have the support workers 5-6 times a week that I need to function as well as pay for cleaning. I did that on my own, without any suggestions. So I quite frankly feel insulted that he believes I've spent the last year jerking off and waiting for people to save me when I've proved time and time again that I can and do help myself.
I told him that all of my friends thought H really screwed me, and some of them think he's a really average person (I later found out a bunch of my friends viewed him as having a bit of a saviour complex with me, as well as being extremely arrogant and conceited. They only tolerated him because I idolised him for saving my life).
I cut it off with J but I told him why. I explained that H actually held me back and I'd had weird vibes in the friendship for years which I tried to change but to no avail, and that it seemed he only wanted to be my friend when he got something out of it, and that the last 10 months of our friendship made me realise the only other person in my life I've had such mixed messages from are my dad, which is a pretty poor effort from a so called friend, and someone who called me one of his best mates at that. I pointed out that I found out he bought a house through social media, and that all my best efforts at just being a friend were ignored or thrown to the side. He even basically ignored me the one time I went to his step kids soccer game in August and just spoke with his partner and I'm like 'I get panic attacks leaving the house and I came here to see you, you aren't even gonna chat with me?' To get him to even come to my 2 hour long birthday breakfast I had to invite his partner, otherwise he was basically disinterested. All my other friends came without partners.
H also made a comment about my autism saying he thought I was 'overdiagnosed' (i.e not level 3 socially). This was really hurtful as my disgnosis was a structured interview based off my lived experiences with a woman who has 15 years experience in disgnosis of women and transgender (me) people who are diagnosed as adults. I sent him a decent text explaining why what he said was crappy because I told her all the stuff I do in private at home regarding my social abilities that my friends don't know about (like bash myself in the head calling myself retarded for talking too much or too little or sending a text that might be annoying or basically just communicating at all) and pointed out that I am situationally mute - and he's witnessed it. No response, not even an acknowledgement.
I'm sorry this was so long. I did do a bunch of journalling about it after I slipped up and used meth for the first time in ages after falling out with these two, but I tend to rely on meth to do some very introspective journalling. I wrote them both open letters they'll obviously never read which got some stuff off my chest.
What do you guys think? Am I better off without these guys? I'm not saying the entire friendships were bad - I think a big part of the issue was them moving forwards with life and me finally getting kneecapped by multiple disabilties. J was never very sympathetic about any of my issues, everytime I had a mood episode he would blame me for it (as if I somehow have control over my bipolar). H was better, but a not insignificant part of me wonders whether helping me was really done out of goodness, because he seemed to really get a kick out of being introduced to my friends (who obviously all knew who he was and would go 'oh you're H I've heard good things about you) yet curiously, I only met H's friends once at his 30th birthday and he kept his life completely seperated from mine, but wanted to meet all my friends. It was kind of odd.
Anyway enough rambling. Thoughts? Advice on how to progress through this? Losing friends is as close to a romantic break up as I'll ever get as I don't date. How long will I keep thinking about them for on a daily basis?
