Desperate No self control, recklessness

[telepathetic]

I can't stop making impulsive and reckless decisions. Not even just with my drug use, I do all kinds of dumb shit, ive walked thru the Amazon barefoot, ive gone into dangerous cities in Asia at 3am alone seeking drugs, ive had unprotected sex with sex workers, I use adulterated drugs knowingly with no tolerance, I get on planes and busses across the country. I keep thinking it will get better as I get older but it's not and I'm going to die. Tonight I relapsed on crack and heroin and luckily cut myself off at 400$, before I spent my savings and wind up homeless like usual. The difference: I am so traumatized by meth psychosis that finally it clicked never do meth again and even in my lowest state I denied it 30 times today, but I thought I was absolutely done with crack too.

Pretty much all my IRL friends have gotten sober at this point, or the ones that haven't arent so reckless. Ive lost too many friends to open up about this. My family will berate and abuse me and cut me off if I reached out and told them I was relapsing.

I dont know what to do. With how bad the recklessness is, I sort of feel like I might be bipolar because these states come out of nowhere... but I can NOT take antipsychotics.

 

[telepathetic]

As for the relapse, I only call it that because I had sworn off crack forever. I haven't been sober before that though. I'm a miserable son of a bitch sober, like I can't talk, I'm quiet, introverted and suffering from severe physical emotional and mental anxiety and depression. Everyday takes so much effort to even get out of bed, interacting with ppl is impossible unless I'm high

 

[telepathetic]

I feel like I'm going to die soon. Eberytome I talk to an old friend or family I feel like it's the last time. And to behonest, my family at least, makes it pretty clear that if I am using drugs they couldn't care less if I die, and they are done even trying to help in any way, pretty much gave up, we barely talk. No one would care, for a while that made me passively and occasionally actively suicidal. But then I learned to care for myself if no one else does. But im not strong enough I can't do this alone

 

[n3ophy7e]

Man....you sound exactly like my ex-bf Dom, who is now my best friend. He is exactly the same. He cannot function without at least some mix of substances in him, weed, booze, meth, heroin, benzos, ketamine, psychedelics, MDMA, anything. (We don't have crack here in Australia but if we did, he'd be on that too, without a doubt). If he is 100% clean/sober, he is suicidal. He always tells me he is going to die, or that he wants to die, or that he's not going to be around much longer etc etc. I've tried to get him help hundreds of times but I just don't know what to do for him, and HE doesn't know what to do either. He doesn't know what's wrong with him, and he doesn't know what kind of help he needs, he does NOT want to take meds and he does NOT want to get therapy. So....

You remind me a lot of him...

Do you actually want to die??
Or do you want relief from this cycle that you're stuck in? Do you just want relief from feeling this way?
Because that is very very different.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I can't stop making impulsive and reckless decisions. Not even just with my drug use, I do all kinds of dumb shit, ive walked thru the Amazon barefoot, ive gone into dangerous cities in Asia at 3am alone seeking drugs, ive had unprotected sex with sex workers, I use adulterated drugs knowingly with no tolerance, I get on planes and busses across the country. I keep thinking it will get better as I get older but it's not and I'm going to die. Tonight I relapsed on crack and heroin and luckily cut myself off at 400$, before I spent my savings and wind up homeless like usual. The difference: I am so traumatized by meth psychosis that finally it clicked never do meth again and even in my lowest state I denied it 30 times today, but I thought I was absolutely done with crack too.

I've done almost all these things many times (not the Amazon). I started doing them when I was about 14 after the first time I got drunk. They got progressively riskier and riskier but fortunately I don't do them all the time. Just in episodes that might last a week or a month. The episodes start without drugs but inevitably involve drugs that make the episode go more extreme and last longer. I thought I was a total failure at life for a long time and my family wrote me off as a drug addict and alcoholic and would only deal with me when I was actually in live-in rehabilitation. When I was early 40s I got put in touch with a new psychiatrist who told me that the aberrant behaviour AND the drug use were just symptoms that should not define me and that I had lots of good and lots of potential that was clear in the time I was not having episodes. He said he didn't like labels for disorders and didn't want to put me in a box but that I basically had PTSD from sexual abuse, ADHD, and Bipolar all interacting at once. He tried a few different medications over several years and some combinations proved very effective and I went as long as 4 years without ever having a single episode. Some of the meds had side effects and some were a bitch to stop, but nothing was as bad as the way the mania ruled and destroyed everything good in my life.

I sort of feel like I might be bipolar because these states come out of nowhere... but I can NOT take antipsychotics.

Not even for a little while to see if they are effective? Plus there are other options for treating mania that don't involve antipsychotics. What really worked best for me was ECT. But lithium was also effective for a few years.

 

[telepathetic]

I've done almost all these things many times (not the Amazon). I started doing them when I was about 14 after the first time I got drunk. They got progressively riskier and riskier but fortunately I don't do them all the time. Just in episodes that might last a week or a month. The episodes start without drugs but inevitably involve drugs that make the episode go more extreme and last longer. I thought I was a total failure at life for a long time and my family wrote me off as a drug addict and alcoholic and would only deal with me when I was actually in live-in rehabilitation. When I was early 40s I got put in touch with a new psychiatrist who told me that the aberrant behaviour AND the drug use were just symptoms that should not define me and that I had lots of good and lots of potential that was clear in the time I was not having episodes. He said he didn't like labels for disorders and didn't want to put me in a box but that I basically had PTSD from sexual abuse, ADHD, and Bipolar all interacting at once. He tried a few different medications over several years and some combinations proved very effective and I went as long as 4 years without ever having a single episode. Some of the meds had side effects and some were a bitch to stop, but nothing was as bad as the way the mania ruled and destroyed everything good in my life.


Not even for a little while to see if they are effective? Plus there are other options for treating mania that don't involve antipsychotics. What really worked best for me was ECT. But lithium was also effective for a few years.

I've considered ECT. Though the brain damage from ODs etc have already seriously effected my short and long term memory and cognitive abilities in general, which has effected my career at this point - could be depression and not brain damage but definitely not quick as i was - any more memory issues could destroy my only option for a reasonable living as a dropout

I've never tried a mood stabilizer only been treated for mania with antipsychotics. I am going to need psychedelics to heal, and I don't want to interfere with that, as silly as it is I've worked hard to come off medication and start to try to stabilize so if I could get my life together I might not need them
And what's the use if they replace your normal ups and downs with only downs/total apathy? Fuck that...

Anyway I've never tried a mood stabilizer or something like Lamictal because my bipolar diagnosises have been tentative pending reivestigagion after 6 months of sobriety.. which basnt happened since I was 15.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Anyway I've never tried a mood stabilizer or something like Lamictal because my bipolar diagnosises have been tentative pending reivestigagion after 6 months of sobriety.. which basnt happened since I was 15.

I was lucky that my psych thought my substance abuse was a symptom of my disorder and that the disorder needed to be treated first if I was to have any hope of stopping serious drug abuse. Even though I'd been abusing meth and coke he put me on low dose dexamfetamine which cleaned up a lot of my cognitive problems and helped me have greater self-control. Together with seroquel at the time I stopped using meth and coke almost immediately and for almost 5 years. It's a shame I can't refer you to him, He really gets co-morbid disorders when people have lots of stuff going on in their head.

 

[telepathetic]

I was lucky that my psych thought my substance abuse was a symptom of my disorder and that the disorder needed to be treated first if I was to have any hope of stopping serious drug abuse. Even though I'd been abusing meth and coke he put me on low dose dexamfetamine which cleaned up a lot of my cognitive problems and helped me have greater self-control. Together with seroquel at the time I stopped using meth and coke almost immediately and for almost 5 years. It's a shame I can't refer you to him, He really gets co-morbid disorders when people have lots of stuff going on in their head.

I cannot be trusted with dex. Literally can't control amphetamines at all, won't touch them. Its unfortunate as it helps. I think I might try Lamictal and a mood stabilizer (one of the anticonvulsant), then I could still trip. Would a mood stabilizer help the recklessness?

It really really sucks but if I take dex, I wind up doing at least 100+ mg and then I become *really* reckless and thats when ill do something like have sleezy unprotected sex.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I cannot be trusted with dex. Literally can't control amphetamines at all, won't touch them. Its unfortunate as it helps. I think I might try Lamictal and a mood stabilizer (one of the anticonvulsant), then I could still trip. Would a mood stabilizer help the recklessness?

It really really sucks but if I take dex, I wind up doing at least 100+ mg and then I become *really* reckless and thats when ill do something like have sleezy unprotected sex.

Definitely stay clear of the amps then if you can. Lithium used to be the gold standard for reducing mania before they started using anti-psychotics. Lamictal has actually been proven NOT to treat mania. A better choice is sodium valproate (in combo with lithium). gabapentin is used experimentally by some doctors but I don't think there are any reliable studies published about it yet.

 

[telepathetic]

Man....you sound exactly like my ex-bf Dom, who is now my best friend. He is exactly the same. He cannot function without at least some mix of substances in him, weed, booze, meth, heroin, benzos, ketamine, psychedelics, MDMA, anything. (We don't have crack here in Australia but if we did, he'd be on that too, without a doubt). If he is 100% clean/sober, he is suicidal. He always tells me he is going to die, or that he wants to die, or that he's not going to be around much longer etc etc. I've tried to get him help hundreds of times but I just don't know what to do for him, and HE doesn't know what to do either. He doesn't know what's wrong with him, and he doesn't know what kind of help he needs, he does NOT want to take meds and he does NOT want to get therapy. So....

You remind me a lot of him...

Do you actually want to die??
Or do you want relief from this cycle that you're stuck in? Do you just want relief from feeling this way?
Because that is very very different.

That depends. I dont want to die because I can't see the future, and things may turn around. Maybe I'll find the community im looking for, the city that the culture fits, the partner with symbiosis, maybe one day this chronic anxiety-pain will go away, maybe it won't be almost painful to force myself to eat food, drink water, brush my teeth, or exercise, so difficult that many days I don't even do most of it.

But as for the past near 4 years.. uh.. if this continues, if God just hates me now, if everyone with something in common has had me slandered to them, if my family is going to die off as they are old, or if we just will never heal our relationship, or, my worst fear, winding up in a traumatic life situation and being unable to kill yourself, like prison - then yea, I want to peacefully go out on fentanyl.

 

[telepathetic]

Definitely stay clear of the amps then if you can. Lithium used to be the gold standard for reducing mania before they started using anti-psychotics. Lamictal has actually been proven NOT to treat mania. A better choice is sodium valproate (in combo with lithium). gabapentin is used experimentally by some doctors but I don't think there are any reliable studies published about it yet.

How do we know I'm bipolar? I dont want to go get dependent on meds I dont need, and I've had so so so many conflicting opinions from docs.

My permatolerance to gabapentin would make that useless.

Depakote is the only time I've ever gone into psychosis without amphetamines involved. I was in an inpatient rehab, 14 days in they upped my dose by 500mg. On the second day I totally blacked out, rambled psychotic gibberish for 12 hours (apparently) and (apparently) was found naked in the street covered in blood after chopping off all my hair with a straight razor all over my body.

 

[Jabberwocky]

How do we know I'm bipolar?

We don't really. It's hard to diagnose. It's diagnosed by a process of positive symptoms and excluding other possibilities. It is known to be an under-diagnosed disease and it can take people up to 10 years of involvement with the medical profession for psychological problems before they get a correct diagnosis. However, again citing my own great psychiatrist, focussing on and treating symptoms can sometimes be a lot more efficient and effective than worrying about what label to put on someone's condition. However the classic symptoms of bipolar include the following (plus substance abuse in 60 % of cases):

• Uncharacteristic periods of anger and aggression
• Grandiosity and overconfidence
• Easy tearfulness, frequent sadness
• Needing little sleep to feel rested
• Uncharacteristic impulsive behavior
• Moodiness
• Confusion and inattention

Some people with bipolar Type I also experience psychotic episodes but not long periods of continued psychosis.

 

[telepathetic]

We don't really. It's hard to diagnose. It's diagnosed by a process of positive symptoms and excluding other possibilities. It is known to be an under-diagnosed disease and it can take people up to 10 years of involvement with the medical profession for psychological problems before they get a correct diagnosis. However, again citing my own great psychiatrist, focussing on and treating symptoms can sometimes be a lot more efficient and effective than worrying about what label to put on someone's condition. However the classic symptoms of bipolar include the following (plus substance abuse in 60 % of cases):

• Uncharacteristic periods of anger and aggression
• Grandiosity and overconfidence
• Easy tearfulness, frequent sadness
• Needing little sleep to feel rested
• Uncharacteristic impulsive behavior
• Moodiness
• Confusion and inattention

Some people with bipolar Type I also experience psychotic episodes but not long periods of continued psychosis.

Yeah pretty much, except the anger. Irritability sometimes for sure as result of anxiety. I agree with you re: symptoms, but because so much can be situational or psychosomatic psychopsychoatic rather, I think docs, especially ones who focus on addicts tend to over prescribe.

One of the reasons I'm resistant to trying yet another medicine is because the way this all seemed to unfold- life is going great for 10+ years, no serious mental illness to speak of, other than maybe sleight aspergers, and then rocky divorce then WAM 4 days after leaving her I w a s introduced to meth, then BAM im in the nut house 3 days later, then BAZZOO in on a fuckton of psych meds, then in rehab on them,, then BOOM im getting off them, then repeat that cycle 10 times, now all of a sudden im bipolar (and feel it). Could it still be withdrawal?

 

[telepathetic]

The other thing that gets to me all the people I thought I could rely on who disappeared on me, no one has the decency to even explain why, so I can grow.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah pretty much, except the anger. Irritability sometimes for sure as result of anxiety. I agree with you re: symptoms, but because so much can be situational or psychosomatic psychopsychoatic rather, I think docs, especially ones who focus on addicts tend to over prescribe.

One of the reasons I'm resistant to trying yet another medicine is because the way this all seemed to unfold- life is going great for 10+ years, no serious mental illness to speak of, other than maybe sleight aspergers, and then rocky divorce then WAM 4 days after leaving her I w a s introduced to meth, then BAM im in the nut house 3 days later, then BAZZOO in on a fuckton of psych meds, then in rehab on them,, then BOOM im getting off them, then repeat that cycle 10 times, now all of a sudden im bipolar (and feel it). Could it still be withdrawal?

I really lost it after my divorce too. Went fiending on IV coke until I was bankrupt and in an institution. The basic process was to keep trying different combinations of drugs until I felt stable. Because they were mostly the same class of drugs (APs) I never had withdrawal until maybe 6 or 7 years later when I tried to go drug free. I'd been stable for nearly 5 years and thought I could go without the drugs. Anyway the withdrawal from the APs was horrendous. I had anhedonia and depression like you wouldn't believe. I could barely move and kept going to the ER at like 1 AM saying I thought I was dying. In the end my doc (a new one) recommended I try low dose Abilify. I know a lot of people really hate APs and especially hate Abilify but I found it absolutely the most stabilising drug ever and with the least side effects. I was still cognitively sharp and didn't put on any weight. I actually began exercising seriously after I started it. It would have been a whole lot simpler if they'd tried it first, but apparently it's not a first choice option for bipolar. Now I cycle on and off it every few months without a lot of trouble. I go off it when I'm taking drugs but go back on it when I want to stop. It prevents long comedowns effectively and reduces the desire for some drugs quite well.

 

[telepathetic]

I really lost it after my divorce too. Went fiending on IV coke until I was bankrupt and in an institution. The basic process was to keep trying different combinations of drugs until I felt stable. Because they were mostly the same class of drugs (APs) I never had withdrawal until maybe 6 or 7 years later when I tried to go drug free. I'd been stable for nearly 5 years and thought I could go without the drugs. Anyway the withdrawal from the APs was horrendous. I had anhedonia and depression like you wouldn't believe. I could barely move and kept going to the ER at like 1 AM saying I thought I was dying. In the end my doc (a new one) recommended I try low dose Abilify. I know a lot of people really hate APs and especially hate Abilify but I found it absolutely the most stabilising drug ever and with the least side effects. I was still cognitively sharp and didn't put on any weight. I actually began exercising seriously after I started it. It would have been a whole lot simpler if they'd tried it first, but apparently it's not a first choice option for bipolar. Now I cycle on and off it every few months without a lot of trouble. I go off it when I'm taking drugs but go back on it when I want to stop. It prevents long comedowns effectively and reduces the desire for some drugs quite well.

The big thing for me is most of what I experience is depression, it takes a lot to make me FULLY manic... unless I'm misunderstanding mania. Can you be chronically fatigued and manic at the same time? I dont think so?

 

[Jabberwocky]

The big thing for me is most of what I experience is depression, it takes a lot to make me FULLY manic... unless I'm misunderstanding mania. Can you be chronically fatigued and manic at the same time? I dont think so?

Sure can. There's two ways. One is a mixed episode where you basically feel both simultaneously and the other is called rapid cycling where you switch between the two quickly, like even several times in the same day. I think both these types are less common though.

 

[telepathetic]

Are there any antimanics that do not block psychedelics? I really am going to need them eventually to tackle the ptsd component to all this.

 

[telepathetic]

I know how stupid that might sound to someone who doesn't understand the difference. Psychedelics have their problems, but have only been positive for me, have had only minimal small doses like twice in years because I'm not ready, and I know it can help me let go in 8 hours rather than 10 years..

 

[telepathetic]

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2738345/ i wonder if this is what happened.