Need Help Scared every day

[nevertoolate]

Hi all,

I'm a recreational drug user and I guess I'm alcoholic, maybe just in the past year? But this is not about me. It's about my brother who I've been worried about for 20+ years.

I think he must be incredibly tough to have kicked 15 years of crystal meth & crack habits on his own. But he lives life like It's his enemy or his love. He is an alcoholic and smokes a lot of weed - but he lives with my mom and is so much more of a positive person more often.

I cannot let him to super close to me and my daughter... despite how hard he tries. I never worked through all the scary shit that I saw my big brother do. He never accepted it - that he was a drug addict - and has been such an eccentric and a conspiracy theorist.

Sometimes I let him in a bit close - and he shares - and I feel so sad about the abyss that is addiction and mental illness.

And I still worry everyday that something bad will happen to him.... or my mum. I suspect he's been clean from hard drugs for close to 10 years. Not sure how I help or support him... or how I move on from this or really how I forgive him.

 

[deficiT]

Hi all,

I'm a recreational drug user and I guess I'm alcoholic, maybe just in the past year? But this is not about me. It's about my brother who I've been worried about for 20+ years.

I think he must be incredibly tough to have kicked 15 years of crystal meth & crack habits on his own. But he lives life like It's his enemy or his love. He is an alcoholic and smokes a lot of weed - but he lives with my mom and is so much more of a positive person more often.

I cannot let him to super close to me and my daughter... despite how hard he tries. I never worked through all the scary shit that I saw my big brother do. He never accepted it - that he was a drug addict - and has been such an eccentric and a conspiracy theorist.

Sometimes I let him in a bit close - and he shares - and I feel so sad about the abyss that is addiction and mental illness.

And I still worry everyday that something bad will happen to him.... or my mum. I suspect he's been clean from hard drugs for close to 10 years. Not sure how I help or support him... or how I move on from this or really how I forgive him.

Hey @nevertoolate, Family can be a really touchy subject, but I think you are taking the right steps now just thinking about it and saying it out loud. Sometimes that's all it takes to let some insight shine through. Do you talk to your brother regularly? Is there something specific he did that you feel he should apologize for?

 

[nevertoolate]

Hey @nevertoolate, Family can be a really touchy subject, but I think you are taking the right steps now just thinking about it and saying it out loud. Sometimes that's all it takes to let some insight shine through. Do you talk to your brother regularly? Is there something specific he did that you feel he should apologize for?

Thanks. We stay in touch after he moved in with my mother. I have a lot of unresolved stuff as he was scary and violent on crystal - and absolutely I think he owes me and my mother and family apologies for so many things. But it's like he's forgotten or buried or in denial about so much of it.

Hard not to resent that. He looks back on his drug addled days with fondness. Boasts. Forgot the dark and terrible times.

Guessing many have been through this - and been the one in my brother's place too. I think hearing other perspectives would help, if anyone wants to let 'er rip.

 

[Pinkbeam]

There is some people in life we will never understand or never get.
If he's been off hard drugs for 10 years, that's something to really be proud of. I'd leave the past in the past and try to form a relationship with him. We only live life once. Run your life knowing you did what's right and have no regrets. He isn't that man anymore. People can change.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i think you are right to hold him at arms length. especially if he is still drinking a lot and smoking weed, he's possibly transferred addictions rather than really 'recovered,' which means he hasn't been able to do the emotional work required to accept the hurt you've caused by your using and take ownership of it, which is necessary for a sincere apology.

it is absolutely your right to keep him away from your daughter. i don't have kids but i wouldn't want them around someone with serious substance abuse issues, and i've had them so its nothing to do with being judgemental. also, if he's a conspiracy theorist whacko then you don't want him influencing your daughter into beliefs that can be downright dangerous.

don't beat yourself up. you can't change your brother, you just need to accept the situation and minimise harm to yourself and your direct family. hopefully his behaviour isn't negatively affecting your mum too much.