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Recovery 40 Days Post Opioids & Some Thoughts

bamadoll

bamadoll

Bluelighter
Joined
May 7, 2020
Messages
37
Today is 40 days free of tramadol and gabapentin and it's been a roller coaster. Although I can't believe I'm here (I can remember thinking, "if I could just get to 60 hours I'll be so far..."), I can't help but be surprised at how humbled I've been by this post-acute phase of withdrawal. The lack of energy has really surprised me, and although it's slowly coming back, it's been a slow process. I'm not sure if this is technically PAWS or not, but life has been harder than I thought it would be, mainly because everyone expects you to be "over it" by now and fully functioning - at 40 days I'm still not there yet. Currently, I still have issues with:
  • Cold sweats/hot flashes/chills - these skin symptoms always broke me in the past, and have always been my longest-lasting symptoms. I still notice them in the mornings and if I get really busy throughout the day, but they're very mild now and slowly dissipating.
  • Fatigue - still a challenge, but slowly getting better. I'll be so happy when I have the energy to fully clean my house and cook. :giggle:
  • Lack of motivation - struggling with this big time. If I get a boost of motivation to do something, it either doesn't last long or I don't have the energy to do it. Very frustrating.
  • Chronic pain - this is the big one for me right now. I'm doing what I can to cope with it in non-opioid ways, but I struggle with staying motivated based on this alone. It's very hard to get through the days right now, and I feel more temptation to take gabapentin than tramadol with this, but so far I've abstained. I want to see if I can control my pain through exercise, walking, and core strengthening.
I have a good support system and accountability this time, which really helps. The chronic pain was what led me down this path so many years ago, and will be my biggest challenge in staying free of opioids. I feel very grateful to be where I am in my recovery, but still have a long way to go. I've found so much inspiration from reading BL accounts of your struggles and successes. Several times it was the only thing that helped me to soldier on through acute withdrawal. What seems to help me the most lately are those moments when I feel my "old self" break through for just a bit. When I forget - for even just a moment - that I'm in withdrawal or that I'm this post-drug person, I try to embrace it fully. I love it when I feel creative or feel like reading a book or get ideas like I used to. It motivates me and helps me see that I'm slowly getting back to my pre-tramadol self. My husband did a double take the other day when he heard me laughing. He said he had not heard me laugh like that in so long. That told me I'm slowly coming back to life.

It's been really hard to "stay the course" at times, and I've failed at it so many times, but this time I have this underlying current of utter desperation to be clean and free of opioids (and gabapentin). I have set extrinsic goals as it seems to be something my brain understands better at this point than intrinsic rewards lol. I have a vacation planned this fall and I want my beach pictures to show a tramadol-free smile (but without all the post-drug weight gain :rolleyes:) and a person who found a better way to deal with her pain. That's my big one, and I have all kinds of little goals in between to keep me focused. NA isn't really for me, but counseling is. I'm set to start that this week and actually looking forward to it. I will update this post periodically as an added measure of accountability. Thank you BL family!!
 
nznity said:
Congrats on that amazing achievement, I'm on 10 days myself AND it's hard as fff but hang in there. Everyday it gets better :D
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Thank you, Nznity, I wish you all the best through your detox...10 days is amazing!! I acutely remember how hard it is to get past that first week. We're gonna make it!! :):):)
 
i'm very glad you have a good support system, that is essential.

remember opioids reduce your tolerance to pain, so that will be contributing to your current issues. that bit will get better. it may be worth looking into mindfulness based chronic pain management, there is some research suggesting it to be very effective, so its not just woo.

mate i have been in recovery for over 18 months and that post drug weight gain is going nowhere! its annoying, i have always always been thin and also suffered from anorexia before i got bad on drugs so its really difficult. like my inner thighs get sore if i walk around in summer dresses cos they're so fat now, its horrible.
 
@chinup, thank you! Do you remember about how long it takes the decreased pain tolerance to resolve? I can't tell if these are to be my normal levels now or if I'm still in a hyper-pain state. I'm walking some when I can but my spine hurts from the base of my skull down to my knees...I feel like I'm a walking flare up and am worried that the pain levels will be my downfall. I really don't want to go back on gabapentin (hope to never touch tramadol again) but if I have to I will. Just don't want any more drugs in my life that have withdrawals attached to them lol.
 
i'm afraid i don't know that because i wasn't suffering from physical pain in my early recovery, thank fuck. i do know that i was incredibly emotionally sensitive, like just tearful a lot of the time, for at least 3 months, and in my head that is kinda connected to physical pain.

your situation sounds awful, you're doing amazingly to cope. pat yourself on the back and whatever you do don't go back on the tramadol, after using it will put you straight back into withdrawals (your opioid receptors take over 18 months to go back to normal, during which period you're suceptible to the kindling effect), so gabapentin, while not ideal, is preferable at this point.
 
chinup said:
whatever you do don't go back on the tramadol, after using it will put you straight back into withdrawals (your opioid receptors take over 18 months to go back to normal, during which period you're suceptible to the kindling effect), so gabapentin, while not ideal, is preferable at this point.
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Thank you @chinup! I appreciate your thoughts and I have learned - over and over again - that tramadol is just not an option for me anymore. I'd be back to 15-20/day within a few days if I indulge it...I just can't keep my tolerance low. Going to make every effort to find med-free ways to control the pain. Got a chiropractor appointment this afternoon as a start. :) Oh the joys of living without drugs, ha!
 
Journaling this so I don't forget: today is day 42 of no tramadol for me and I've had one of the best days in I-can't-remember-when. I'm still dealing with chronic pain, but my emotional agility seems more stable and I was able to work through the pain more and get things done in the house (which has been a huge source of stress for me). Moving around actually helps the pain, but up to this point I haven't really had the energy to move around much - all the sitting that you do in withdrawal has been contributing to the severity some, I think. I cleaned out the fridge, walked, am almost caught up on laundry (for the first time in a month and a half), and did core strengthening exercises, which are starting to help maybe a little. What grabbed my attention is that I finally felt some real motivation today. Not sure how it will be tomorrow, but I'm really thankful to have had a day like this - I needed it. I've started making lists of stuff to do and crossing them off feels so good. Such a small thing to do but makes me feel a sense of accomplishment. I guess it's the little things...
 
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How was it today ? Another good one 👍🏻 Just keeps getting better ! Little dips in the road yes. There will be some times where not perfect , but that is just life. We have a disease of More, and want to feel good All the Time!!!! Sorry that’s not how life goes
 
yes!!!! awesome!!! those good days are exactly what we need to have the motivation to keep going, they confirm that things CAN be better. I hope things went OK at the chiropractor. and yes, movement when you feel up to it really will help, so well done. hopefully once you've started, you can get a bit of inertia to keep it going. and yeah making to do lists so you can feel you have accomplished something is great, and honestly when you're feeling really low even having a shower and getting dressed should be treated as an accomplishment.
 
Iceman1216 said:
How was it today ? Another good one 👍🏻 Just keeps getting better ! Little dips in the road yes. There will be some times where not perfect , but that is just life. We have a disease of More, and want to feel good All the Time!!!! Sorry that’s not how life goes
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Hey Iceman! Thanks for stopping by. :) Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a while! I also woke up feeling pretty good this morning. Minimal pain (I went to the chiropractor yesterday) and moving much better. Up till yesterday, I was feeling mentally drained from worrying about PAWS and tired of hurting, so yesterday was a great break from that. @chinup thanks so much for the encouragement! I always enjoy reading your responses.:)
 
You sound good, and life is going well. Do not worry about PAWS ! It will not come as you are thinking it will !! Nothing ever does. Do not rob today of its Joy, by projecting what negatively will happen tomorrow 😤.
 
bamadoll said:
Today is 40 days free of tramadol and gabapentin and it's been a roller coaster. Although I can't believe I'm here (I can remember thinking, "if I could just get to 60 hours I'll be so far..."), I can't help but be surprised at how humbled I've been by this post-acute phase of withdrawal. The lack of energy has really surprised me, and although it's slowly coming back, it's been a slow process. I'm not sure if this is technically PAWS or not, but life has been harder than I thought it would be, mainly because everyone expects you to be "over it" by now and fully functioning - at 40 days I'm still not there yet. Currently, I still have issues with:
  • Cold sweats/hot flashes/chills - these skin symptoms always broke me in the past, and have always been my longest-lasting symptoms. I still notice them in the mornings and if I get really busy throughout the day, but they're very mild now and slowly dissipating.
  • Fatigue - still a challenge, but slowly getting better. I'll be so happy when I have the energy to fully clean my house and cook. :giggle:
  • Lack of motivation - struggling with this big time. If I get a boost of motivation to do something, it either doesn't last long or I don't have the energy to do it. Very frustrating.
  • Chronic pain - this is the big one for me right now. I'm doing what I can to cope with it in non-opioid ways, but I struggle with staying motivated based on this alone. It's very hard to get through the days right now, and I feel more temptation to take gabapentin than tramadol with this, but so far I've abstained. I want to see if I can control my pain through exercise, walking, and core strengthening.
I have a good support system and accountability this time, which really helps. The chronic pain was what led me down this path so many years ago, and will be my biggest challenge in staying free of opioids. I feel very grateful to be where I am in my recovery, but still have a long way to go. I've found so much inspiration from reading BL accounts of your struggles and successes. Several times it was the only thing that helped me to soldier on through acute withdrawal. What seems to help me the most lately are those moments when I feel my "old self" break through for just a bit. When I forget - for even just a moment - that I'm in withdrawal or that I'm this post-drug person, I try to embrace it fully. I love it when I feel creative or feel like reading a book or get ideas like I used to. It motivates me and helps me see that I'm slowly getting back to my pre-tramadol self. My husband did a double take the other day when he heard me laughing. He said he had not heard me laugh like that in so long. That told me I'm slowly coming back to life.

It's been really hard to "stay the course" at times, and I've failed at it so many times, but this time I have this underlying current of utter desperation to be clean and free of opioids (and gabapentin). I have set extrinsic goals as it seems to be something my brain understands better at this point than intrinsic rewards lol. I have a vacation planned this fall and I want my beach pictures to show a tramadol-free smile (but without all the post-drug weight gain :rolleyes:) and a person who found a better way to deal with her pain. That's my big one, and I have all kinds of little goals in between to keep me focused. NA isn't really for me, but counseling is. I'm set to start that this week and actually looking forward to it. I will update this post periodically as an added measure of accountability. Thank you BL family!!
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I'm on hour 31 of no opioids. I can't wait to get where you are but it feels like it will be an eternity from now. Any advice?
 
AshleaRed said:
I'm on hour 31 of no opioids. I can't wait to get where you are but it feels like it will be an eternity from now. Any advice?
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Hi Ashlea!! I'm sorry I'm just now seeing your post...I took a few days from the internet and just now getting back...congrats on making it 31 hours!!! How far along are you now? I can remember thinking that 60 hours seemed so far, if I could juuuust get to 60! Then 72, then a week, then a month, and so on...but a month seemed so far away at the time. You can do it!! For me, I had to break it down in those first 2 weeks with small goals: I sometimes had to think in terms of staying clean in 12 hour increments. Idk why, but for some reason that made it manageable for me...kinda like shifts at work. My job was to stay clean during my shift lol. Also, I got a prescription for the blood pressure medicine clonidine, mainly bc the cold sweats and chills are what always last the longest and make me most likely to relapse. It helped tremendously with the sweats, but I had to keep a check on my blood pressure. I had a daily ritual of rewarding myself with a magnesium/epsom salt bath every night, and I had a lot of accountability and check ins with people who knew what I was doing. That really helped. I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was for after the acute phase. Going back to doing all my regular day to day things - but without drugs- was hard. So much of it had become ingrained into my daily habits and energy levels. Dealing with low energy and the rebound pain was the hardest this time around, especially with clonidine keeping the sweats at bay. I gave myself permission to not worry about the house or my projects or anything else that would have become a source of anxiety for me. The house was a constant battle for me bc I could clean like nobody's business on opioids lol. I was more gradual this time around, giving myself leniency with chores, cooking, and cleaning, and I paid more attention to the psychological aspects behind my using and that was eye-opening. I'm working on developing new habits and trying to get a new perspective on treating chronic pain. I'm seeing a chiropractor, which has helped a lot, and doing more core strengthening exercises to help stabilize my spine problems.

Do you have someone you can talk to when you need to? I stayed on BL a lot at first - it was a godsend. Everyone here is so encouraging and helpful. Keep us posted on how you're doing and reach out when it gets really tough. I'll be checking in on you to see how it's going. Stay strong!!
 
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