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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

last 4 days I lay on top of trash pile playing dead

Have him committed if possible and then get him put in an old age home
its the kindest thing.
That's no way to live and u can't help sum one who don't want to be helped.
Either that or lure him away from the dump and have trucks come and empty it while he's not there.these are your only options.
 
tracedwards313 said:
I'm sorry about all the shit your dealing with, that is rough. From the house you described I would rather just sleep outside, for real.

Obviously idk you but I have read a number of your posts and even though it is apparent that you are dealing with some serious problems in your life, but you still have some positive vibe about you.

At age 47 you likely have quite a number a years left. If you played you card right, buckled down, and got clean every "problem" you are facing today could be a distant memory in less than a couple years.

My point is, your not over the hill! Any thought of being too old to be worth changing is bullshit negative self talk.

I hope you find your way!
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Hey that's such a lovely message! Thanks!
It's cheered me up quite a bit!
 
MrsGamp said:
Hey that's such a lovely message! Thanks!
It's cheered me up quite a bit!
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Ps: if it wasn't for bloody COVID, I'd go back to AA. I have found AA to be quite effective for both my booze and my drug issues in the past.

However, my GP feels I might have ADHD. She could be right . I only binge on Dex when I haven't got many. If I have a decent quantity I seem able to take them responsibly ... As long as I don't drink!
 
MrsGamp said:
Wow! What a lovely compliment. Yes I do (or did) write - I have a PhD in lit and have published one book - the smash hit bestseller "Ferocious Things: Jean Rhys and the Politics of Women's Melancholia" - (2009).
I believe as many as several hundred copies may exist in this world.
But the academic career fell by the way side because of various horrorshow "life events". Some of which weren't my fault, but let's not worry about the "not my fault" shit: I fucked up pretty efficiently under my own steam ...
But thanks for your praise! It's been ages since anyone has given me quite such a boost....
Thanks
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The fact that you've managed to achieve such a level of education despite such an upbringing speaks volumes about you.

Keep on keeping on my love....
 
F.U.B.A.R. said:
The fact that you've managed to achieve such a level of education despite such an upbringing speaks volumes about you.

Keep on keeping on my love....
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Thank you! But to give my dear late mother credit, when I was a child and teenager the place was always spotless.

Plus she was an English teacher herself.

I am not sure if I mentioned this in my OP but Mum committed suicide in 2013. In the back yard of this (now) accursed house.

I don't know why my Dad doesn't move. It doesn't seem to bother him.

I must admit it no longer bothers me as much as it once did - for years after Mum's death I had a hard time even going inside to visit Dad, let alone sleep overnight.

I suppose I feel Mum has well and truly left that building by now. Even though she died there, very brutally and miserably, it just doesn't feel like that place has anything to do with her anymore...

I am not putting it all that well, but you probably know what I mean.
 
MrsGamp said:
Thank you! But to give my dear late mother credit, when I was a child and teenager the place was always spotless.

Plus she was an English teacher herself.

I am not sure if I mentioned this in my OP but Mum committed suicide in 2013. In the back yard of this (now) accursed house.

I don't know why my Dad doesn't move. It doesn't seem to bother him.

I must admit it no longer bothers me as much as it once did - for years after Mum's death I had a hard time even going inside to visit Dad, let alone sleep overnight.

I suppose I feel Mum has well and truly left that building by now. Even though she died there, very brutally and miserably, it just doesn't feel like that place has anything to do with her anymore...

I am not putting it all that well, but you probably know what I mean.
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This is a very personal question and if you dont want to talk about it, I fully understand. But you mentioned the brutality of your mother's suicide and I was wondering how she did it?

I have experienced suicide, very up close and personal on two seperate occasions in my life and have found the manner in which individuals carry out the act is somehow fascinating to me. I had a friend who shot himself directly between his eyes and another was a female friend who hung herself with leash in a neighbor's front yard. It was rather bazaar to say the least.
 
tracedwards313 said:
This is a very personal question and if you dont want to talk about it, I fully understand. But you mentioned the brutality of your mother's suicide and I was wondering how she did it?

I have experienced suicide, very up close and personal on two seperate occasions in my life and have found the manner in which individuals carry out the act is somehow fascinating to me. I had a friend who shot himself directly between his eyes and another was a female friend who hung herself with leash in a neighbor's front yard. It was rather bazaar to say the least.
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My mother hanged herself.
 
It's never too late, man. You're a new person every 8 seconds or so. That's about how long working memory is. You can create a new perspective a thousand times a day. Even the cells in your body create a new you more frequently than you suspect. The skin on your hands probably isn't very old at all. The skin on your hands doesn't know your dirty, broken life, it is new and fresh. It probably has never grabbed a pill or a beer for you. Use it to grab fresh, new things. Even your nerves aren't more than a handful of years old. Tske advantage of your new life
 
RedRum OG said:
It's never too late, man. You're a new person every 8 seconds or so. That's about how long working memory is. You can create a new perspective a thousand times a day. Even the cells in your body create a new you more frequently than you suspect. The skin on your hands probably isn't very old at all. The skin on your hands doesn't know your dirty, broken life, it is new and fresh. It probably has never grabbed a pill or a beer for you. Use it to grab fresh, new things. Even your nerves aren't more than a handful of years old. Tske advantage of your new life
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Thanks. Intellectually I appreciate what you are saying, but oh dear .. It's hard to believe when there's so much crap behind me, and if I want to change, very hard work ahead.
Am going to ask to be referred to psychiatrist next time I see my GP. It's beyond "counselling" I think. Because I've got a history of depression/anxiety, have had one "nervous breakdown" that warranted hospitalisation, and am on high doses of anti-depressants that do nothing ..
I also really wish I could go back to AA. But because of COVID the meetings have been closed.
 
In america, I've heard lots of meetings have gone virtual. If you have a smartphone you could probably attend a video meeting. Good luck
 
Well, am about to spend the last of my money on Dex. Even though it means no smokes of food until Friday.
I am fucked up.
 
MrsGamp said:
Am going to ask to be referred to psychiatrist next time I see my GP. It's beyond "counselling" I think. Because I've got a history of depression/anxiety, have had one "nervous breakdown" that warranted hospitalisation, and am on high doses of anti-depressants that do nothing ..
I also really wish I could go back to AA. But because of COVID the meetings have been closed.
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I read your story and I don't think you are beyond counseling. I think it's going to take a lot more than just a few counseling sessions a week- more than likely it will involve a few different treatments: inpatient treatment, AA, a psychiatrist, a close support group, and counseling on top of all of that.

I definitely believe that you can improve and conquer your addiction. You are clearly so much more than what your current state allows you to be, but seem to be rendered immobile by your thoughts/emotions/feelings. You write so descriptively of your living conditions to where it reads almost like poetry. Yet I see little to no mention of how you feel, and not much insight into your inner thoughts either. Clearly you are quite overwhelmed with your thoughts and the resulting feelings- why else would someone forego food in order to buy more drugs so that they can sleep?

To be honest, it doesn't seem like your drug use is that extreme. Just based on what I've read here, it seems to me that you are just using as a way to avoid dealing with your feelings, rather than actually trying to get high. And that is understandable.. when you stand in front of a mountain that seems insurmountable and your destination is on the other side... well it's easy to feel like the only options are to either check out or freak out.

But there is always more than just 2 choices. And let us here, your AA group, your counselor(in the future?) and whoever else is supportive of you be your 3rd option. You don't have to climb the mountain in one day. Or one week, or one month, or a year+. The important part is that you are climbing and heading in the right direction. We will sit with you on the mountain when you feel youre stuck and cant make any progress. We will offer alternate routes and encouragement. But you have to climb- we can't do that for you.



Please don't give up. Believe in yourself, even if it's just a little. Make a little progress today, even if that is just deciding that you won't give up. Then, over time, start to build on this progress. Little by little. Don't stop to compare your progress to someone else, that doesn't matter. The only person you are competing with is yourself. The goal is just to be a little better than you were yesterday. Whatever it looks like. I know there is a part of you deep down who hasn't given up yet, otherwise you wouldn't be here reading this. Right now, that is the most important part.
 
that was a wonderful post. it has really made me think. I do use drugs booze as a calculated way to a of feeling anything if possible. there has been so much sorrow in my life and over the last several years I have consciously told myself there's no point in anything except RUN!
I'd write more except I am in the city and almost got run over a second ago!
btw I'm a person who takes stims as well as downs. but fortunately it's mostly psychological not serious phys
QUOTE="Mafioso, post: 14824590, member: 148409"]
I read your story and I don't think you are beyond counseling. I think it's going to take a lot more than just a few counseling sessions a week- more than likely it will involve a few different treatments: inpatient treatment, AA, a psychiatrist, a close support group, and counseling on top of all of that.

I definitely believe that you can improve and conquer your addiction. You are clearly so much more than what your current state allows you to be, but seem to be rendered immobile by your thoughts/emotions/feelings. You write so descriptively of your living conditions to where it reads almost like poetry. Yet I see little to no mention of how you feel, and not much insight into your inner thoughts either. Clearly you are quite overwhelmed with your thoughts and the resulting feelings- why else would someone forego food in order to buy more drugs so that they can sleep?

To be honest, it doesn't seem like your drug use is that extreme. Just based on what I've read here, it seems to me that you are just using as a way to avoid dealing with your feelings, rather than actually trying to get high. And that is understandable.. when you stand in front of a mountain that seems insurmountable and your destination is on the other side... well it's easy to feel like the only options are to either check out or freak out.

But there is always more than just 2 choices. And let us here, your AA group, your counselor(in the future?) and whoever else is supportive of you be your 3rd option. You don't have to climb the mountain in one day. Or one week, or one month, or a year+. The important part is that you are climbing and heading in the right direction. We will sit with you on the mountain when you feel youre stuck and cant make any progress. We will offer alternate routes and encouragement. But you have to climb- we can't do that for you.



Please don't give up. Believe in yourself, even if it's just a little. Make a little progress today, even if that is just deciding that you won't give up. Then, over time, start to build on this progress. Little by little. Don't stop to compare your progress to someone else, that doesn't matter. The only person you are competing with is yourself. The goal is just to be a little better than you were yesterday. Whatever it looks like. I know there is a part of you deep down who hasn't given up yet, otherwise you wouldn't be here reading this. Right now, that is the most important part.
[/QUOTE]
 
Take whatever time you need MrsG.. What are you up against and where you want to get to.. Consider picturing the place your looking to get to.. what does that look and feel like?
 
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Yeah, pretty much. Had epiphany last night: I'll be brave! Was drinking by 9.30 this morning though.couldnt walk past bottle shop. Have drunk whole bottle of port today and don't even feel drunk. Want to get more but doubt bottle shop guy would sell .... I'm going to get sick very soon at this rate, I ain't big (100 pounds) and have a mini female liver ... Men can get away with heavy drinking for a lot longer....
 
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