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  • EADD Moderators: axe battler | Pissed_and_messed

EADD Heroin thread v.XXV -- a quarter centuary of threads if not yet a full decade since the 'drought'...

Very unlikely. Futile tbh. A friend of mine who is clean and very stable "forced" himself to like weed.
Weed and psychedelics are the only things I see long term heroin addicts ever touching again and being ok. Oh and entheogens like MDMA.

I almost guarantee that you will go back.
 
i know you're right axe. and i know my life is infinitely better now than even in the earlier days on the dark before it got really bad. but i'm just consumed, like i just tried to meditate cos it does help but all i could think about was if this guy who i was thinking about getting to score for me will be in his spot on my way to work. whats the point in being clean if you're just going to be plagued? it hasn't always been like this, i've had times when i've honestly thought i'd never touch any drugs again, but i've felt shitty since the start of the year and just got worse and worse.

also i'm close to 18 months off dark and only had 2 occassions of very mild opiate use in that time, so my opioid receptors will have sorted themselves out and i would likely not get sick if i used now.
 
chinup said:
right, i know you're all going to tell me not to do it.

my brain is telling me that i can use once every couple of months and not go back to a full time habit. i know i'd likely just be obsessed with dark all the time if i started using again in any capacity, but i've been having a hard time for months now and am getting to the end of my tether. its getting harder and harder to resist. so, i was wondering what you guys experience of using again after a long time off is? like not how it feels but did you go straight back to where you were mentally before you quit, or had you got some measure of control, was it worth it?
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Best not to venture down the road of what-if's, because no good will come of it. Just focus on the time, effort and money spent to get this far and think of potentially ending up back at square one.
 
argh i know it'd be a clusterfuck but everything feels like one right now. i'm downplaying how shite it would likely make me feel though.

thanks for the support guys.

i got through the day without scoring and i'm frankly amazed. the guy i was gonna ask to help me out wasn't in his usual spot. probably cos thursday is benefits day. i actually wasn't as upset about him not being there as i was a couple weeks back.

i haven't slept through the night in months, and this morning i woke at half 6, so i'm so tired. i left work early to go to a meditation class but i can't do that every day. i also ate a proper dinner cos i've had no appetite recently and it occurred to me not eating properly is probably really not helping.

sorry for derailing the heroin thread lol.
 
chinup said:
argh i know it'd be a clusterfuck but everything feels like one right now. i'm downplaying how shite it would likely make me feel though.

thanks for the support guys.

i got through the day without scoring and i'm frankly amazed. the guy i was gonna ask to help me out wasn't in his usual spot. probably cos thursday is benefits day. i actually wasn't as upset about him not being there as i was a couple weeks back.

i haven't slept through the night in months, and this morning i woke at half 6, so i'm so tired. i left work early to go to a meditation class but i can't do that every day. i also ate a proper dinner cos i've had no appetite recently and it occurred to me not eating properly is probably really not helping.

sorry for derailing the heroin thread lol.
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A poor appetite can and will have a huge impact on your general mood and wellbeing. Focus on eating healthy amounts at regular intervals.

You won’t like you when you’re hangry.
 
yep i've been making an effort to eat more. its difficult cos i'm desperate to lose weight so when its easy not to eat i tend to push it too far. it was affecting me negatively, like my 5k time went down by 2 mins. today i smashed my pb by over 20s and my mood is a bit better.

i feel exhuasted. kinda glad i didn't score on thursday but can't help but feeling like its becoming an inevitability and i don't know what i can do.
 
I started off thinking I could use for 3 days, and have a break not to build a tolerance. my guy at the time even said he wouldn't serve me after 3 consecutive days. Which made me feel a bit safer about not getting a habbit. But that was bullshit. And nearly 15 years later I'm sure u can guess where I am still at. Its not worth it. Even the strongest minded, most disciplined person will be beat. Do not under estimate the psychological pull. That's with out even taking into consideration the physical elements evolved. Ime the psychological addiction is far stronger than the physical. Which is a massive battle that's VERY hard to win by itself.
 
chinup said:
yep i've been making an effort to eat more. its difficult cos i'm desperate to lose weight so when its easy not to eat i tend to push it too far. it was affecting me negatively, like my 5k time went down by 2 mins. today i smashed my pb by over 20s and my mood is a bit better.

i feel exhuasted. kinda glad i didn't score on thursday but can't help but feeling like its becoming an inevitability and i don't know what i can do.
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If you're feeling desperate for an alternative to be it eating, going through hard emotions et.al. then going back to using (be it smoking or IVing... using it in general really) will trap you.
It's not that you'll gain an addiction to the substance, but that you'll gain an addiction to not feeling the way that you don't wish to.
You know this. I know you do. And I'm a hypocrite to be honest - The best thing that has happened to me recently was losing my phone!
I gained another yet had #'s written down, so I was back into things eventually.... but not after a LONG period of abstinence (I almost got used to it) which was good. Though Ethanol gained a grip.

Obviously this is personal, and it's been a long time since I've known what's going on with you so I can't say for sure.... but I just fear the worst and the worst can always be expected 😕
I hope you take care of yourself and gain help via health services rather than substances <3
 
I'd advise against seeking it out. I'm no expert on life without. I know there's folks that can do occasional use but you've the strength to fight it. Keep going. You'll feel shit good shit good if you do but ultimately self loathing leading to self destruction will work its way in.
 
Got given a crack pipe yesterday as my mate's missus has taken to hunting througfh his pockets etc & he didn't want it on him or in the yard. It was an old meth bottle but had been washed out before he began to smoke & when I cut the fucker open my heart skipped a beat, yeah it had enough of that sticky ash in it but the stuff that is usually the grey or slight off orange colour was stick as paste. Oh God did I have a few nice licks & he left a old tooter there too (he does the diamond tip point when he makes 'em) & it stunk of that raw "fish" smell ;)

Very happy I was folks.
 
I'm meant to be starting fucking community service on Wednesday too for the first time but it is my pay day so they can go get fucked, I'll say I have suspect Corona virus & have to self-isolate for 14 days.
 
@monstanoodle i appreciate your sentiment, and i'm a big girl now so will not automatically jump down your throat. but, every time i see your username it reminds me of the darkest chapter of my past. not because of something you did, but something you said, i.e. that aidan had said to you i was fucking a dealer. that was untrue. but, at the time you said that, that specific guy was raping me on a regular basis. i was living in absolute terror of him, to the extent i got obsessed with killing him. so, to have the idea that i was sleeping with this guy consensually put in my head at that time was damaging. i'd like you to apologise for stating bullshit as fact, without even giving me the option to correct you, and consider not believing everything you're told in the future. this might seem like ancient history of an inconsequential statement to you, but to me ptsd makes the past real every day.

i'm still clean. i booked tomorrow off work, hoping a longer weekend will help.
 
This whole coronavirus hysteria is so crazy to me. Nothing in the statistics speaks for the apocalypse- like scenarios they paint " 2/3 of the population will get infected" LOL the infections in China went down by alot and now are down to 15 a day.
Here in germany we have 1200 infections and only 5 deaths, thats a mortality rate of .2 %. In the meanwhile we had over 120.000 normal influenza infections in germany and over 200 deaths. Its crazy. The people have lost their fucking mind
 
chinup said:
@monstanoodle i appreciate your sentiment, and i'm a big girl now so will not automatically jump down your throat. but, every time i see your username it reminds me of the darkest chapter of my past. not because of something you did, but something you said, i.e. that aidan had said to you i was fucking a dealer. that was untrue. but, at the time you said that, that specific guy was raping me on a regular basis. i was living in absolute terror of him, to the extent i got obsessed with killing him. so, to have the idea that i was sleeping with this guy consensually put in my head at that time was damaging. i'd like you to apologise for stating bullshit as fact, without even giving me the option to correct you, and consider not believing everything you're told in the future. this might seem like ancient history of an inconsequential statement to you, but to me ptsd makes the past real every day.

i'm still clean. i booked tomorrow off work, hoping a longer weekend will help.
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This could likely to me being on many substances at the time, and know you are a great deal more mature than I, but I don't remember saying such a thing - I remember asking about it but will msg you to keep it shtum (mostly) unless you don't care - I kinda do, but not out of any reason other than keeping it private for your sake. It's up to you @chinup .
I know about said "dealer" and it sickened me (remember me asking if anything bad happened to you?) It was out of past experiences and just asking for your own protection. I know it wasn't consensual to the extent of .... well.... of any matter... You told me so. I never said such (but you are obviously allowed yer opinion) but - again - being so drunk at the time may cloud my judgement & I may be wrong.
Just msg me and we can talk about it, unless public notification is what you wish <3

p.s. It may be time ago, but history sticks about. If it's important to you then it is so to me.
Hope we can get shit straightened mate x

p.p.s. Fuckin nice one for being clean CU! If you want to talk on a mobile phone-ee-McPhone then I'd be honoured.
Time mends things, though it may take a long time (I still think also).
Tonne-a-love [Actual name]
 
Yeah, somethings going on that isn't our business yet it is our bizniz. Remember supies of h could be effected with lock downs and shite. Self isolation is a lifestyle choice for me these days. I've reached my limit of people. You wouldn't bieve how amazing it feels to not be arou d fuckwits. And likewise I've been processing my h use. I get worried ill run out of cash or I've it got enough so coz I've got vurtuslky no cash I buy gear. I'm trying new head programming that I've everything I really need. And things will sort themselves out if I'm not s. Oking gear
 
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