Buzz Lightbeer
Bluelight Crew
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Holing on Stars of the Lid, I should try it sometime, really should get some MXPr soon
Dissociatives The Big and Dandy 3-MeO-2-oxo-PCPr (MXPr) Thread
- Thread starter Xorkoth
- Start date
psy997
Bluelighter
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- Jul 9, 2012
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Redosing past 1-1.5hrs after ingestion with any psychedelic isn't good, only because psychedelics cause instatolerance that after that point pretty much renders any additional material useless. Dissociatives are not the same, redosing is totally fine. Some disso heads will redose for days.
You can just swallow it. Remember a emptier stomach is better, though.
Great, yes. How you're supposed to do it is have a comfy bed or couch ready for you, music cued up, lights ready to be turned off. You dose, turn off the lights, get in bed, put on your music, close your eyes, and enter into behind eyes dream land. Attempting to have eyes open and be in the world is always a recipe for confusion while on a good disso. Pay no mind, you're not fucking anything up by doing it, just build that instinct to come back to the music and eyes closed. You'll go back to the good place. Some of my favorite disso albums are as follows (and I actually have these in a playlist that plays them in this order):
(single track) UNKLE - Lonely Soul (the only single track I have on the playlist, always sets the mood right)
Explosions in the Sky - The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place
Exist Strategy - Dreamcatcher
The Orb - Adventures Beyond the Underworld
Mononome - The Secret Melody
Kruder Dorfmeister - The K&D Sessions
Thievery Corporation - The Cosmic Game
Banco de Gaia - Last Train to Lhasa I also just listened to recently and is good. There's tons of good disso music in the old MXE threads. Anyone here that has good stuff, do share.
hydroazuanacaine
bluelighter
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- May 17, 2007
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- 8,497
cashier at the grocery store said, "you're looking kind of out of it. i'm gonna give you some stickers." and then put a sheet of stickers in my bag. i had to check my bag to make sure that really happened after walking out of the store.
good to hear about the redosing. first time was so confusing i don't think i got what i was supposed to out of it. also i was pretty nervous because my first time using a mg scale. i put Crystal Castle's album III on my record player. it was perfect. but then i got a little confused and put lana del rey on through my headphones (because i couldn't decide how loud my bought-for-a-house-moved-to-an-apartment stereo was turned up), which was soothing. i can tell this drug is all about the music.
i cannot imagine snorting this drug. it's like lemon dust that makes your mouth go numb after a minute. will not sublingual again.
is very interesting. will certainly be my one and only baggie of it, but i'm not a disso user. i will enjoy this one bag of it.
will try it again tonight, knowing i'm to be on my couch with a blanket and music playing.
good to hear about the redosing. first time was so confusing i don't think i got what i was supposed to out of it. also i was pretty nervous because my first time using a mg scale. i put Crystal Castle's album III on my record player. it was perfect. but then i got a little confused and put lana del rey on through my headphones (because i couldn't decide how loud my bought-for-a-house-moved-to-an-apartment stereo was turned up), which was soothing. i can tell this drug is all about the music.
i cannot imagine snorting this drug. it's like lemon dust that makes your mouth go numb after a minute. will not sublingual again.
is very interesting. will certainly be my one and only baggie of it, but i'm not a disso user. i will enjoy this one bag of it.
will try it again tonight, knowing i'm to be on my couch with a blanket and music playing.
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PUGinaRUG
Bluelighter
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- Aug 4, 2019
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- 193
So.... I'm a god damn idiot. I fucked up big time with this chem. This is not a warning so much as a tale of stupidity. A long tale. I've just finished writing it and its definitely a tl;dr.
Hopefully at least some of you read it, find it interesting/entertaining or get something out of it at least. Even if it's just the feeling I'm a retard, who shouldn't be allowed near RCs... which is fair. I would agree with you.
I may be bias but I think it's quite the tale!
It was 9:00pm and I plugged 50mg to start after initial allergy test earlier that day. I have some ketamine tolerance and after reading this thread thought that was a good place to start. I didnt feel much from it so after maybe 30mins I plugged another 50mg. I felt great. It reminded me of mxe so much. I wanted to M hole so I took another 50mg. It worked, I went under and came round again. This is great I thought feeling euphoric and optimistic that it was going to be just like MXE. One more dose/hole I thought. Final 50mg plugged so a total of 200mg I took, over a 3 hour period I'd estimate. Well it turned out being more like MXE than I bargained for. I'll explain soon...
Now the first hole I didnt get too much from. I dont really remember it now... perhaps it got overshadowed. But this final hole I found myself in was totally terrifying. The best I can describe it is a feeling of being trapped in an infinite loop of reality. There was only me. I was alone, I was scared, I was everything, the universe, consciousness, God etc. I was compelled to 'spin' and keep this loop going round. All existence was, was this folding over, looping, and a garbled gibberish voice, echoing, and then a response to that voice, which was the same voice/sound. The loop repeating, looping, spinning... forever. I felt compelled to spin and repeat this sequence. This was what reality/consciousness/me was. All that it was. This never ending cycle from which I couldn't deviate or escape. I played my part in the loop. Its alI I could do... Just go along with this flow. Cycle of time, infinity, whatever. But I was trapped, alone and scared. This was all there was or ever would be. Time lost all meaning. I eventually came out of the M hole. First i saw whiteness and heard beeping, this quickly faded to my bedroom, to reality and as I would quickly learn; to a shitstorm of my own making. The first thing I see/comprehend is two paramedics towering over me and my bed, saying my name and asking me questions. The beeping I heard was their medical equipment.
My Housemate had called them. I instantly knew I had fucked up but I didnt know what exactly had happened, to make him call them. He knew I was taking MXPr that night, he is fine with what I get up to usually. Some occational ket, weed, gbl, clonazepam, oxy, mdma, even some methamphetamine. I'm as careful as I can be when I take them, which is deliberately infrequently and I haven't fucked up on them, so far. He's totally cool and understanding. He only smokes weed himself, but that probably is a factor for him being so chill with things. So I was honest with him that I'd be trying this new RC and it would be similar to ket. He wouldn't have heard of mxe; a far better comparison. He was a bit apprehensive but I convinced him I would be fine. Oh dear
So... I cry out in the typical cant talk properly stutter you get from ket, mxe, mxpr: "I cant believe it", "I'm so sorry" I say. They want to take me off in the ambulance to A&E or the accident and emergency area of a hospital, for you Americans. I was very reluctant to go as I thought I was okay (well maybe that wasnt such a given in retrospect, so I was right to go.) Also they threatened to get the police if I didnt go off to hospital :/ So that was pretty motivating to say the least.
So I was somewhat interrogated in the ambulance by two paramedics, whilst laying on a stretcher. Which I found odd and annoying looking back, but I was so out of it at the time. They were bombarding me with questions about what I took, mixed with judgemental little jibes such as 'Thought you'd be clever and take some drugs then? 'Not very clever was it?' 'You scared your housemate half to death" etc. this was very police interrogation like. I think they were on a bit of a power trip. Probably looked down on me and who could blame them? I was just agreeing with them. Saying 'Yes' a fair few times and 'Sorry'. I remember I felt guilty for them being called out and I worried that I may have stopped an ambulance saving a life, by wasting their time with me.
Got to the hospital eventually, they took forever to actually drive off. Parked outside where all the neighbours could see. Ugh. So embarrassing I thought. I hoped I hadn't woken them. I get to the hospital they wheel me out of the ambulance. They ask me how I took the drug and I answer 'snorted it'. One of them says 'You said up the bum!' I freeze for a moment then laugh and say 'okay, yep.' They are laughing too. At me not with me I'm sure. My roomate later told me they asked me on my bed how I took it and I said up the bum. I have no recollection of this, it happened when I was blacked out. I shouldn't care really but if I was in my right mind I wouldnt have admitted to plugging it. I guess my brain was operating on some base level. I wonder what else I'd admit to like that!? It was like a truth serum! :S
Anyway, I just wanted to leave the hospital immediately. I was sitting up, then standing up, saying I was fine. I was asked to lay back down and told I wasnt fine. I said I was and they again threatened calling the police if I wondered off. This made me listen. I still really had it in my head I was going to leave once the paramedics left my side though. I wanted to go home. I didnt want to be 'processed' in hospital, incase my GP became aware of the incident. I've always denied all recreational drug use with my GP, so I can be prescribed good stuff. Abusable stuff technically, yes, but good stuff. The stuff that actually works though.
This is the point in my tragic but self inflicted fucked up story where I reveal that 7 years ago I had a near identical incident with MXE (this fact adds to why I'm an absolute moron) I thrashed around I screamed, I experienced the same damn m hole even. It was the same bad trip, looping forever. I was found in the middle of the night screaming by my mum. She called an ambulance, I was taken to hospital and I walked straight out, because I could. I said I was okay and I left. Noone stopped me. I had nothing on me but actually managed to hitch hike home. Some guy with a beard stopped for me. He said he stopped because I had a beard too. Haha. So I was back home within maybe an hour. My mum was upset, annoyed, surprised that I'd came home so fast, angry...but that's another story.
But I couldn't escape this time. Too many people standing around me. It was much busier. I was in A&E from about 2am to 10am, still very intoxicated, especially at the beginning. I could barely get my words out. I had money for a taxi home in my pocket but no mobile. This distressed me a lot. I was under the impression my housemate may think I was dead because I couldn't contact him to say I was alright. I had to contact him I thought. I didnt know his mobile off by heart. Reception tried my mobile, which I somehow recalled and proceeded to struggle to get the numbers out, in the correct order. They rang it, no answer and I remembered it was on silent. I felt hugely annoyed, frustrated and lost. I put my head in my hands. It would have been nice if someone explained to me that my housemate could ring the hospital and check to see if I was okay, any time. I wasn't thinking clearly due to intoxication, so this simple fact took hours for me to realise on my own.
ECG's, blood tests, blood pressure taken. A Doctor eventually saw me and asked what I had taken. I said ketamine (because who has heard of mxe, or mxpr I thought.) He said it says here the paramedics wrote down MXE. I couldn't remember saying MXE to the paramedics. So I said to the doc they are similar drugs. But I hesitated and came across as dishonest I felt. I was trying to play it that this was my first time I took an illegal drug and I closed with 'and never again after this'. I thought that if they thought it was a one off it would be better for my cause (wanting to keep my abusable prescriptions, not to abuse but to take as prescribed. The abusable stuff actually works!) but really what I was saying wasnt believable. He looked like he didnt believe it. He asked me if I drank or smoked cannabis. I initially said no. He gave me a look and then explained doctor patient confidentiality. I then admitted to trying cannabis when I was younger, and apologised. He asked me to follow his finger with just my eyes. I felt like I was seeing double and in slow motion. My eyes felt delayed in their movements. He made me push my hands, arms, legs and feet against him, while he offered resistance. Looking back I guess he was looking for injuries? At the time it seemed like a sobriety/coordination test. I was sent back to the reception/waiting area. Hours were passing so after sobering up further and now being able to talk less like a stroke victim; I found the doctor and apologised again for my evasivness/dishonesty. I said I was worried to admit to illegal things and I was still very out of it when he was asking me the questions etc. He seemed genuinely pleased/thankful for my apology. He looked roughly my age, we both had long hair. I imagined a rapour that probably wasnt there. I was hoping that he wouldn't tell my GP, if I was polite, remorseful, apologetic. Which I was, genuinely, so it wasnt difficult.
I was waiting on final blood test result to come back. It was maybe 8am at this point. It finally came back. I was given the all clear and they FINALLY removed the needle thingy in my wrist vein that was bandaged up and had tubes poking out of it. This was something I kept asking to be removed from the moment I arrived, as I didnt understand why it was there, attached to me. I remember saying to reception 'it looks like an alien!', 'look at it!' (while waving my wrist to make the tubes wobble around like antennae) 'it hurts', 'this is like a punishment' etc. I kept saying. This was when I first arrived and was far more intoxicated.
It would have been nice to have someone explain why it was attached to my wrist, why it needed to remain there, to keep my wrist still and it wouldn't hurt etc. But instead a passing nurse overheard my complaints and quickly tied my bandaged wrist even tighter, without saying a word and walking swiftly off. It happened so fast I didnt realise what she had done till she was out of sight down the corridor. Ninja nurse. I feel I fucked up and wasted paramedics, doctors, nurses, everyones time (I was apologising to everyone who dealt with me about that, a lot, because I was ashamed, remorseful, felt stupid beyond belief etc.) So I felt in no way entitled or deserving of better, more compassionate treatment. Perhaps I deserved the treatment I was recieving I thought.
Now though, looking back I feel they could have handled me and things better on a few occasions. I definitely think they dont like people they perceive as druggies, who self inflict injury upon themselves. Waste their precious time etc. The NHS is struggling, they have too many patients to see and not enough doctors, nurses etc. I can understand how they may perceive me in that way, but I think really they should treat all ill/sick patients with the same care and consideration. People make mistakes. It's often underlying mental health issues that can precede drug abuse/addiction etc. But I dont need to lecture anyone here about that obvious fact. I suffer from severe anxiety, depression and ADHD. I had explained this when I was asked what meds I take, as I take something for each of those conditions. They were aware that I'm a vulnerable patient is what I'm saying. Perhaps I was genuinely a bit frightening too. People dont like to see other people fucked up do they? Not making much sense, struggling to talk coherently, perhaps slightly manic, definitely acting strange. It goes back to how our ancestors kept alive/healthy. Someone acting 'off' is a sign of potential danger or sickness which could spread and wipe out the whole tribe. So we evolved to keep our distance from those not 'normal'.
Sorry this is turning into a novel. The most shocking part is still to come when I finally get home and find out what I was doing while m holing, to warrant an ambulance being called out. Not much more to read! Keep going, you know you want to
So I get discharged from hospital and locate a phone on the wall that rings only to a taxi firm. I arrange one. I cant remember my postcode when asked. I'm stressed and trip over my words. Still under the influence of the drug btw. I manage though. Its booked. I forget to ask where it will park and how long it will be. After going through what seemed like a maze of a hospital, I escape to the outside world, on a cold rainy morning at about 10am. I have to walk past police which scared me, as I felt out of it still. I focused on walking in a straight line. I walked to where i thought a taxi would stop. Wait 10mins nothing. Go back into the hospital past police again, use the phone, speak to same lady who recognised my voice. She says 5 more minutes. I walk back out past the police yet again. Wearing pyjama bottoms, walking boots, and thankfully a rain proof coat. I dont really feel the cold though. I dont feel much at all I notice.
I try to flag down a taxi that's not for me and feel silly. My taxi shows up and I get in. He tries to make small talk. I make up I had a seizure and was taken to hospital, since he asked me why I was there. It takes ages to get home. Because he drives towards a similar sounding place to the one I live in. My vision and perception is still off, but luckily I notice. He apologies, turns off the meter and we turn around. Finally get to my house. I give him a 5quid tip. I pray I dont see a neighbour, luckily I dont and with my key I had on me, which I managed not to lose, along with my wallet, I let myself inside.
My dog has separation anxiety and shes elated I'm home. I drop to the floor crying at how happy she is to see me. Tears streaming down my face due to lack of sleep, still high, been through a lot, very fragile, worried to see my housemate etc. Tripping in a hospital is not a nice time. My dog is smelling me, my wrist, my bloody cotton wool ball that is taped to where they removed the needle. I take my coat off and I begin to notice bruises and gashes, grazes etc all over my arms and elbows. All of a sudden I feel pain again and I ache all over. I still dont know extent of the damage to me. How did this happen?
Roommate is standing at top of stairs. I say I'm so so so sorry, whilst in a puddle on the floor. 'Its totally unacceptable behaviour on my part', I say. Still feeling the mxpr I sob that I'll never take any drug ever again and I'll flush my acid. Roomate has hardly slept. He is monotone. He explains what happened to me....
He wakes up as dog is barking in his room, she can hear somethings wrong. He can then hear banging and noises (light screaming and distressed sounds) coming from my bedroom at 1:00am.
He comes to investigate. I am spinning around on my bed the sheet has come off completely, I'm sweating profusely he says. Banging my head and limbs into the wall, my bed frame as I spin. He tries to talk/console me. He filmed some of it, so I watch. I'm toppless, on the floor beside my bed wedged between bed and side table at this point. I'm immobile. He says in the vid 'you've been screaming and thrashing around' I answer 'really?' I have no memory of this at all. He asks if I need an ambulance and I respond 'why?' Again no memory of this. It's strange I was able on some level to listen understand and respond. Then I start shaking and saying 'oh my god' in such a distraught tone, its chilling to hear. I start breathing heavily. I try to stand up, repeatedly. My mate tries to restrain me and tells me just to sit there. I kick my leg out hard and get it stuck under a chest of draws and let out a wounded, frustrated moan. The dog is in the room at this point. The video ends.
After the vid ended apparently I went back into full on, out of it, not responding, having a bad trip mode. I do stand up, I fall over, repeatedly. Housemate is smaller than me and trying to ring ambulance and remove our dog to safety so he cant/doesnt restrain me fully/always. I fall into my new 55inch qled samsung tv that cost me £1250k. I stepped on a cardboard box full of 3DS games and luckily didnt damage them. The tv is clearly pushed back on my chest of draws, off its axis. I fear the worst. But it appears to be scratch free on inspection. I was so scared to turn it on, in case i had damaged it. But luckily it's fine.
My room looks like a tornado went through it. Theres medical/paramedic parafanalia left in front of the tv stand, box of games kicked out of its place, other things seemingly thrown around like pillows, my duet. My mobile which my house mate couldn't locate for me to take to hospital, was wrapped up in my bed sheet which I had span into a small crumpled mess.
Housemate says I was walking somewhat competently at one point and I trying to leave my bedroom. He was keeping me shut in from the other side, as I could have fell down the stairs. I had my hands round his throat at one point. Luckily not for long or hard enough to leave any bruising but he was scared. Scared is an understatement. He was totally terrified. It was clear from his exasperation in the video. He was freaking out somewhat. He has anxiety issues too. He's quite a sensitive soul, like me. He said he had the night from hell. Worst night of his life even. Or at least right up there with other horrible life moments. I really scared the dog too, who I love and care about loads
I deleted the video without asking, out of embarrassment. I also thought it was the safe thing to do. As its evidence, and a reminder of what happened, which I wanted to forget, desperately as soon as possible.
I take my sweat ridden, but now dry teeshirt off and put on a new one. It feels so prickly/painful/abrasive on my skin. I change it to a softer teeshirt. I look in mirror, slight black eye and bruise on nose. I'm in a lot of pain now. I guess the drug is wearing off more. They shaved some of my chest hair to stick on something for the ecg. So I have two itchy, uncomfortable chest patches, when wearing a teeshirt. This doesnt seem like much on it's own. But feeling so prickly on top of my whole body being battered was the icing on the cake. So bruises and or minor flesh wounds on sholders, wrists, knees, thighs, eye, nose, hips and ribs even, it took a couple of days for some bruises to show, but I could feel it there and then. I put my bed sheet back on. There are blood stains over it. I'm too weak, in pain, tired to change it to a clean one. After a lot of apologising, explaining and consoling the dog, I try to sleep having been awake all night. I take 300mg pregabalin and 2mg clonazepam to both relax myself (I'm so tense, on edge, anxious, irritated by my injuries etc.) and to help me sleep.
It's about 11:30am now. I get into bed and cant find a single position that doesnt hurt to lay on. Turning over from one side to another is agony. It's a slow laborious process. I'm stinging all over, aching, gritting my teeth and letting out quiet but audible cries, as I try to move. I feel like a total fucking retard.
I'm so lucky I didnt brake something like my nose, bones, blinded myself (my eyes were wide open throughout most of my freak out I'm told) or my laptop, collection of mint condition 3DS games or my new tv. I'm lucky I didnt hurt the dog or my mate, physically at least.
I manage to fall asleep for a few hours then wake up in time to feed dog at normal time, as I always do. I make a point of working through the pain, so my housemate doesnt have to look after me. After all he went through the prior night. He is exhausted and in shock. He thought I was going to kill myself while i spacked out.
He took my scales and hid them before paramedics arrived and he threw the rest of my gram of mxpr down sink. Possibly for the best. But I would have liked to weigh what was left to see if I did take how much I thought I took. Oh well. He panicked and thought he was helping incase I was going to get arrested.
I would have probably made use of what was left over but just never going for an m hole ever again. Just using 50-100mg max in one sitting. I know I could trust myself to do that. But to be honest I'd be scared incase somehow it happened again at the lower dose. Its perhaps for the best it's gone. This is academic though. It was disposed off with good intentions and I certainly haven't criticised my mate for doing it. I think that would be beyond the pale, after what I put him through. He was shaken for a few days after the event. Definitely went through hell. So did I internally and at the hospital but it was completely my fault. Perhaps witnessing your mate doing what I did, while sober, unable to help is worse. I'm to blame for all of this of course. A pretty shitty feeling to say the least.
This happened a week ago now. I should have posted here sooner perhaps, but I was well and truly licking my wounds (figuratively) with my tail between my legs, so to speak. I still am, it was only a week ago! It seems longer ago though.
The fact I treated it like ketamine and not a new relatively untested chemical was the issue. I will feel forever stupid for being so careless. Or at least a week later, I still do feel very stupid. The fact in the past i thrashed around on the floor of my old house on mxe, screamed, went to hospital, and I didnt learn from that, adds to how completely dumb I was. In the back of my mind I told myself I was injecting last time, that's probably why it happened. I was taking huge doses probably. This is a different chemical I said. I'll be plugging it this time, I have tolerance from recent ketamine usage, I took pregabalin as prescribed that day, which is a sedative.
I was taking all sorts 7 years ago. I was probably on mdpv or some other stim at the same time, knowing 7 year old me. That's why I fucked up all those years ago and became mobile while m holing. This is how I convinced myself it wouldn't happen again; convinced myself to try MXPr
But I was only kidding myself I guess. I got carried away and I became more intoxicated and kept pushing the dosage, treating it like ketamine in the sense I can keep taking more to keep holing. Have a long sesh I mean. I was taking what I thought was a lot less MXPr. 50mg at a time. Compared to ket I'd take like 150-200mg to start off then redose to re-hole with like 100-150mg top ups.
So I knew not to dose as high as ket, but obviously that wasnt enough. I fucked up big time. So I did take too much, obviously, of a new untested chem. I'm an idiot, I could have died. This was a huge slap in the face, which i evidently needed; to learn from this.
Oh, I had lots of good times on mxe too back in the day. Just so this all makes sense. If I only fucked up on it I wouldn't have sought a replacement for it all these years later.
If you read all of this I'm seriously impressed. Dont be too hard on me. I'm hard enough on myself! I know I was beyond stupid. I noticed earlier in this thread someone came too on their kitchen floor after dosing too high. Traveled from upstairs bedroom? So walked down the stairs while out of it/holing. With no memory of how he got there.
So I'm not alone. I hope this tale might have some use/merit. Before I went too far and took too much I was enjoying it. It felt like MXE to me. It's been years since I last had MXE mind you. I cant compare to all these other drugs: 3-meo-pcp/pce o-pce 3-HO-PCP, the ketamine analogue RC and the rest, as I haven't sampled any of them. After this incident I probably never will :/
So there you have it. I doubt the vast majority of people here need warning to not do as I did. As most people aren't nearly as stupid and careless as me. That's why it's less a warning and more a fucked up overdose story/trip report.
It's worrying that if you take too much it's possible to move around, thrash, flail your arms, spin around, stand, walk, fall over, damage yourself and things/people/animals around you (potentially) cry out, scream, make other weird noises, even speak properly at points when asked questions, appearing somewhat lucid. All whilst holing, with no memory of it when you come round. If you come round at all :S
Thanks for reading. I should be better and I will do better in the future. Definitely disgraceful behaviour which flies in the face of what this place stands for and promotes...ie harm reduction. Sorry bluelight. I've failed you :/
A week later and I am mostly healed. Still some scabs and bruising but not really in pain any more. I think I was lucky to get of so lightly, ultimately. I could have cracked my head open/became concussed. I maybe could have died somehow? I dont know. I do know I'm an embarrassment and a prized idiot. Perhaps internal damage to my pride/confidence/mental well being will take longer to heal/get over.. and maybe that's a good thing. I feel I deserve to feel this low. Hopefully it will reinforce/remind me to never be so blazae, careless and just downright stupid ever again.
My roomate seems normal now, we can joke about it a bit already. Coping mechanism I guess.
Peace.
Hopefully at least some of you read it, find it interesting/entertaining or get something out of it at least. Even if it's just the feeling I'm a retard, who shouldn't be allowed near RCs... which is fair. I would agree with you.
I may be bias but I think it's quite the tale!
It was 9:00pm and I plugged 50mg to start after initial allergy test earlier that day. I have some ketamine tolerance and after reading this thread thought that was a good place to start. I didnt feel much from it so after maybe 30mins I plugged another 50mg. I felt great. It reminded me of mxe so much. I wanted to M hole so I took another 50mg. It worked, I went under and came round again. This is great I thought feeling euphoric and optimistic that it was going to be just like MXE. One more dose/hole I thought. Final 50mg plugged so a total of 200mg I took, over a 3 hour period I'd estimate. Well it turned out being more like MXE than I bargained for. I'll explain soon...
Now the first hole I didnt get too much from. I dont really remember it now... perhaps it got overshadowed. But this final hole I found myself in was totally terrifying. The best I can describe it is a feeling of being trapped in an infinite loop of reality. There was only me. I was alone, I was scared, I was everything, the universe, consciousness, God etc. I was compelled to 'spin' and keep this loop going round. All existence was, was this folding over, looping, and a garbled gibberish voice, echoing, and then a response to that voice, which was the same voice/sound. The loop repeating, looping, spinning... forever. I felt compelled to spin and repeat this sequence. This was what reality/consciousness/me was. All that it was. This never ending cycle from which I couldn't deviate or escape. I played my part in the loop. Its alI I could do... Just go along with this flow. Cycle of time, infinity, whatever. But I was trapped, alone and scared. This was all there was or ever would be. Time lost all meaning. I eventually came out of the M hole. First i saw whiteness and heard beeping, this quickly faded to my bedroom, to reality and as I would quickly learn; to a shitstorm of my own making. The first thing I see/comprehend is two paramedics towering over me and my bed, saying my name and asking me questions. The beeping I heard was their medical equipment.
My Housemate had called them. I instantly knew I had fucked up but I didnt know what exactly had happened, to make him call them. He knew I was taking MXPr that night, he is fine with what I get up to usually. Some occational ket, weed, gbl, clonazepam, oxy, mdma, even some methamphetamine. I'm as careful as I can be when I take them, which is deliberately infrequently and I haven't fucked up on them, so far. He's totally cool and understanding. He only smokes weed himself, but that probably is a factor for him being so chill with things. So I was honest with him that I'd be trying this new RC and it would be similar to ket. He wouldn't have heard of mxe; a far better comparison. He was a bit apprehensive but I convinced him I would be fine. Oh dear
So... I cry out in the typical cant talk properly stutter you get from ket, mxe, mxpr: "I cant believe it", "I'm so sorry" I say. They want to take me off in the ambulance to A&E or the accident and emergency area of a hospital, for you Americans. I was very reluctant to go as I thought I was okay (well maybe that wasnt such a given in retrospect, so I was right to go.) Also they threatened to get the police if I didnt go off to hospital :/ So that was pretty motivating to say the least.
So I was somewhat interrogated in the ambulance by two paramedics, whilst laying on a stretcher. Which I found odd and annoying looking back, but I was so out of it at the time. They were bombarding me with questions about what I took, mixed with judgemental little jibes such as 'Thought you'd be clever and take some drugs then? 'Not very clever was it?' 'You scared your housemate half to death" etc. this was very police interrogation like. I think they were on a bit of a power trip. Probably looked down on me and who could blame them? I was just agreeing with them. Saying 'Yes' a fair few times and 'Sorry'. I remember I felt guilty for them being called out and I worried that I may have stopped an ambulance saving a life, by wasting their time with me.
Got to the hospital eventually, they took forever to actually drive off. Parked outside where all the neighbours could see. Ugh. So embarrassing I thought. I hoped I hadn't woken them. I get to the hospital they wheel me out of the ambulance. They ask me how I took the drug and I answer 'snorted it'. One of them says 'You said up the bum!' I freeze for a moment then laugh and say 'okay, yep.' They are laughing too. At me not with me I'm sure. My roomate later told me they asked me on my bed how I took it and I said up the bum. I have no recollection of this, it happened when I was blacked out. I shouldn't care really but if I was in my right mind I wouldnt have admitted to plugging it. I guess my brain was operating on some base level. I wonder what else I'd admit to like that!? It was like a truth serum! :S
Anyway, I just wanted to leave the hospital immediately. I was sitting up, then standing up, saying I was fine. I was asked to lay back down and told I wasnt fine. I said I was and they again threatened calling the police if I wondered off. This made me listen. I still really had it in my head I was going to leave once the paramedics left my side though. I wanted to go home. I didnt want to be 'processed' in hospital, incase my GP became aware of the incident. I've always denied all recreational drug use with my GP, so I can be prescribed good stuff. Abusable stuff technically, yes, but good stuff. The stuff that actually works though.
This is the point in my tragic but self inflicted fucked up story where I reveal that 7 years ago I had a near identical incident with MXE (this fact adds to why I'm an absolute moron) I thrashed around I screamed, I experienced the same damn m hole even. It was the same bad trip, looping forever. I was found in the middle of the night screaming by my mum. She called an ambulance, I was taken to hospital and I walked straight out, because I could. I said I was okay and I left. Noone stopped me. I had nothing on me but actually managed to hitch hike home. Some guy with a beard stopped for me. He said he stopped because I had a beard too. Haha. So I was back home within maybe an hour. My mum was upset, annoyed, surprised that I'd came home so fast, angry...but that's another story.
But I couldn't escape this time. Too many people standing around me. It was much busier. I was in A&E from about 2am to 10am, still very intoxicated, especially at the beginning. I could barely get my words out. I had money for a taxi home in my pocket but no mobile. This distressed me a lot. I was under the impression my housemate may think I was dead because I couldn't contact him to say I was alright. I had to contact him I thought. I didnt know his mobile off by heart. Reception tried my mobile, which I somehow recalled and proceeded to struggle to get the numbers out, in the correct order. They rang it, no answer and I remembered it was on silent. I felt hugely annoyed, frustrated and lost. I put my head in my hands. It would have been nice if someone explained to me that my housemate could ring the hospital and check to see if I was okay, any time. I wasn't thinking clearly due to intoxication, so this simple fact took hours for me to realise on my own.
ECG's, blood tests, blood pressure taken. A Doctor eventually saw me and asked what I had taken. I said ketamine (because who has heard of mxe, or mxpr I thought.) He said it says here the paramedics wrote down MXE. I couldn't remember saying MXE to the paramedics. So I said to the doc they are similar drugs. But I hesitated and came across as dishonest I felt. I was trying to play it that this was my first time I took an illegal drug and I closed with 'and never again after this'. I thought that if they thought it was a one off it would be better for my cause (wanting to keep my abusable prescriptions, not to abuse but to take as prescribed. The abusable stuff actually works!) but really what I was saying wasnt believable. He looked like he didnt believe it. He asked me if I drank or smoked cannabis. I initially said no. He gave me a look and then explained doctor patient confidentiality. I then admitted to trying cannabis when I was younger, and apologised. He asked me to follow his finger with just my eyes. I felt like I was seeing double and in slow motion. My eyes felt delayed in their movements. He made me push my hands, arms, legs and feet against him, while he offered resistance. Looking back I guess he was looking for injuries? At the time it seemed like a sobriety/coordination test. I was sent back to the reception/waiting area. Hours were passing so after sobering up further and now being able to talk less like a stroke victim; I found the doctor and apologised again for my evasivness/dishonesty. I said I was worried to admit to illegal things and I was still very out of it when he was asking me the questions etc. He seemed genuinely pleased/thankful for my apology. He looked roughly my age, we both had long hair. I imagined a rapour that probably wasnt there. I was hoping that he wouldn't tell my GP, if I was polite, remorseful, apologetic. Which I was, genuinely, so it wasnt difficult.
I was waiting on final blood test result to come back. It was maybe 8am at this point. It finally came back. I was given the all clear and they FINALLY removed the needle thingy in my wrist vein that was bandaged up and had tubes poking out of it. This was something I kept asking to be removed from the moment I arrived, as I didnt understand why it was there, attached to me. I remember saying to reception 'it looks like an alien!', 'look at it!' (while waving my wrist to make the tubes wobble around like antennae) 'it hurts', 'this is like a punishment' etc. I kept saying. This was when I first arrived and was far more intoxicated.
It would have been nice to have someone explain why it was attached to my wrist, why it needed to remain there, to keep my wrist still and it wouldn't hurt etc. But instead a passing nurse overheard my complaints and quickly tied my bandaged wrist even tighter, without saying a word and walking swiftly off. It happened so fast I didnt realise what she had done till she was out of sight down the corridor. Ninja nurse. I feel I fucked up and wasted paramedics, doctors, nurses, everyones time (I was apologising to everyone who dealt with me about that, a lot, because I was ashamed, remorseful, felt stupid beyond belief etc.) So I felt in no way entitled or deserving of better, more compassionate treatment. Perhaps I deserved the treatment I was recieving I thought.
Now though, looking back I feel they could have handled me and things better on a few occasions. I definitely think they dont like people they perceive as druggies, who self inflict injury upon themselves. Waste their precious time etc. The NHS is struggling, they have too many patients to see and not enough doctors, nurses etc. I can understand how they may perceive me in that way, but I think really they should treat all ill/sick patients with the same care and consideration. People make mistakes. It's often underlying mental health issues that can precede drug abuse/addiction etc. But I dont need to lecture anyone here about that obvious fact. I suffer from severe anxiety, depression and ADHD. I had explained this when I was asked what meds I take, as I take something for each of those conditions. They were aware that I'm a vulnerable patient is what I'm saying. Perhaps I was genuinely a bit frightening too. People dont like to see other people fucked up do they? Not making much sense, struggling to talk coherently, perhaps slightly manic, definitely acting strange. It goes back to how our ancestors kept alive/healthy. Someone acting 'off' is a sign of potential danger or sickness which could spread and wipe out the whole tribe. So we evolved to keep our distance from those not 'normal'.
Sorry this is turning into a novel. The most shocking part is still to come when I finally get home and find out what I was doing while m holing, to warrant an ambulance being called out. Not much more to read! Keep going, you know you want to
So I get discharged from hospital and locate a phone on the wall that rings only to a taxi firm. I arrange one. I cant remember my postcode when asked. I'm stressed and trip over my words. Still under the influence of the drug btw. I manage though. Its booked. I forget to ask where it will park and how long it will be. After going through what seemed like a maze of a hospital, I escape to the outside world, on a cold rainy morning at about 10am. I have to walk past police which scared me, as I felt out of it still. I focused on walking in a straight line. I walked to where i thought a taxi would stop. Wait 10mins nothing. Go back into the hospital past police again, use the phone, speak to same lady who recognised my voice. She says 5 more minutes. I walk back out past the police yet again. Wearing pyjama bottoms, walking boots, and thankfully a rain proof coat. I dont really feel the cold though. I dont feel much at all I notice.
I try to flag down a taxi that's not for me and feel silly. My taxi shows up and I get in. He tries to make small talk. I make up I had a seizure and was taken to hospital, since he asked me why I was there. It takes ages to get home. Because he drives towards a similar sounding place to the one I live in. My vision and perception is still off, but luckily I notice. He apologies, turns off the meter and we turn around. Finally get to my house. I give him a 5quid tip. I pray I dont see a neighbour, luckily I dont and with my key I had on me, which I managed not to lose, along with my wallet, I let myself inside.
My dog has separation anxiety and shes elated I'm home. I drop to the floor crying at how happy she is to see me. Tears streaming down my face due to lack of sleep, still high, been through a lot, very fragile, worried to see my housemate etc. Tripping in a hospital is not a nice time. My dog is smelling me, my wrist, my bloody cotton wool ball that is taped to where they removed the needle. I take my coat off and I begin to notice bruises and gashes, grazes etc all over my arms and elbows. All of a sudden I feel pain again and I ache all over. I still dont know extent of the damage to me. How did this happen?
Roommate is standing at top of stairs. I say I'm so so so sorry, whilst in a puddle on the floor. 'Its totally unacceptable behaviour on my part', I say. Still feeling the mxpr I sob that I'll never take any drug ever again and I'll flush my acid. Roomate has hardly slept. He is monotone. He explains what happened to me....
He wakes up as dog is barking in his room, she can hear somethings wrong. He can then hear banging and noises (light screaming and distressed sounds) coming from my bedroom at 1:00am.
He comes to investigate. I am spinning around on my bed the sheet has come off completely, I'm sweating profusely he says. Banging my head and limbs into the wall, my bed frame as I spin. He tries to talk/console me. He filmed some of it, so I watch. I'm toppless, on the floor beside my bed wedged between bed and side table at this point. I'm immobile. He says in the vid 'you've been screaming and thrashing around' I answer 'really?' I have no memory of this at all. He asks if I need an ambulance and I respond 'why?' Again no memory of this. It's strange I was able on some level to listen understand and respond. Then I start shaking and saying 'oh my god' in such a distraught tone, its chilling to hear. I start breathing heavily. I try to stand up, repeatedly. My mate tries to restrain me and tells me just to sit there. I kick my leg out hard and get it stuck under a chest of draws and let out a wounded, frustrated moan. The dog is in the room at this point. The video ends.
After the vid ended apparently I went back into full on, out of it, not responding, having a bad trip mode. I do stand up, I fall over, repeatedly. Housemate is smaller than me and trying to ring ambulance and remove our dog to safety so he cant/doesnt restrain me fully/always. I fall into my new 55inch qled samsung tv that cost me £1250k. I stepped on a cardboard box full of 3DS games and luckily didnt damage them. The tv is clearly pushed back on my chest of draws, off its axis. I fear the worst. But it appears to be scratch free on inspection. I was so scared to turn it on, in case i had damaged it. But luckily it's fine.
My room looks like a tornado went through it. Theres medical/paramedic parafanalia left in front of the tv stand, box of games kicked out of its place, other things seemingly thrown around like pillows, my duet. My mobile which my house mate couldn't locate for me to take to hospital, was wrapped up in my bed sheet which I had span into a small crumpled mess.
Housemate says I was walking somewhat competently at one point and I trying to leave my bedroom. He was keeping me shut in from the other side, as I could have fell down the stairs. I had my hands round his throat at one point. Luckily not for long or hard enough to leave any bruising but he was scared. Scared is an understatement. He was totally terrified. It was clear from his exasperation in the video. He was freaking out somewhat. He has anxiety issues too. He's quite a sensitive soul, like me. He said he had the night from hell. Worst night of his life even. Or at least right up there with other horrible life moments. I really scared the dog too, who I love and care about loads
I deleted the video without asking, out of embarrassment. I also thought it was the safe thing to do. As its evidence, and a reminder of what happened, which I wanted to forget, desperately as soon as possible.
I take my sweat ridden, but now dry teeshirt off and put on a new one. It feels so prickly/painful/abrasive on my skin. I change it to a softer teeshirt. I look in mirror, slight black eye and bruise on nose. I'm in a lot of pain now. I guess the drug is wearing off more. They shaved some of my chest hair to stick on something for the ecg. So I have two itchy, uncomfortable chest patches, when wearing a teeshirt. This doesnt seem like much on it's own. But feeling so prickly on top of my whole body being battered was the icing on the cake. So bruises and or minor flesh wounds on sholders, wrists, knees, thighs, eye, nose, hips and ribs even, it took a couple of days for some bruises to show, but I could feel it there and then. I put my bed sheet back on. There are blood stains over it. I'm too weak, in pain, tired to change it to a clean one. After a lot of apologising, explaining and consoling the dog, I try to sleep having been awake all night. I take 300mg pregabalin and 2mg clonazepam to both relax myself (I'm so tense, on edge, anxious, irritated by my injuries etc.) and to help me sleep.
It's about 11:30am now. I get into bed and cant find a single position that doesnt hurt to lay on. Turning over from one side to another is agony. It's a slow laborious process. I'm stinging all over, aching, gritting my teeth and letting out quiet but audible cries, as I try to move. I feel like a total fucking retard.
I'm so lucky I didnt brake something like my nose, bones, blinded myself (my eyes were wide open throughout most of my freak out I'm told) or my laptop, collection of mint condition 3DS games or my new tv. I'm lucky I didnt hurt the dog or my mate, physically at least.
I manage to fall asleep for a few hours then wake up in time to feed dog at normal time, as I always do. I make a point of working through the pain, so my housemate doesnt have to look after me. After all he went through the prior night. He is exhausted and in shock. He thought I was going to kill myself while i spacked out.
He took my scales and hid them before paramedics arrived and he threw the rest of my gram of mxpr down sink. Possibly for the best. But I would have liked to weigh what was left to see if I did take how much I thought I took. Oh well. He panicked and thought he was helping incase I was going to get arrested.
I would have probably made use of what was left over but just never going for an m hole ever again. Just using 50-100mg max in one sitting. I know I could trust myself to do that. But to be honest I'd be scared incase somehow it happened again at the lower dose. Its perhaps for the best it's gone. This is academic though. It was disposed off with good intentions and I certainly haven't criticised my mate for doing it. I think that would be beyond the pale, after what I put him through. He was shaken for a few days after the event. Definitely went through hell. So did I internally and at the hospital but it was completely my fault. Perhaps witnessing your mate doing what I did, while sober, unable to help is worse. I'm to blame for all of this of course. A pretty shitty feeling to say the least.
This happened a week ago now. I should have posted here sooner perhaps, but I was well and truly licking my wounds (figuratively) with my tail between my legs, so to speak. I still am, it was only a week ago! It seems longer ago though.
The fact I treated it like ketamine and not a new relatively untested chemical was the issue. I will feel forever stupid for being so careless. Or at least a week later, I still do feel very stupid. The fact in the past i thrashed around on the floor of my old house on mxe, screamed, went to hospital, and I didnt learn from that, adds to how completely dumb I was. In the back of my mind I told myself I was injecting last time, that's probably why it happened. I was taking huge doses probably. This is a different chemical I said. I'll be plugging it this time, I have tolerance from recent ketamine usage, I took pregabalin as prescribed that day, which is a sedative.
I was taking all sorts 7 years ago. I was probably on mdpv or some other stim at the same time, knowing 7 year old me. That's why I fucked up all those years ago and became mobile while m holing. This is how I convinced myself it wouldn't happen again; convinced myself to try MXPr
But I was only kidding myself I guess. I got carried away and I became more intoxicated and kept pushing the dosage, treating it like ketamine in the sense I can keep taking more to keep holing. Have a long sesh I mean. I was taking what I thought was a lot less MXPr. 50mg at a time. Compared to ket I'd take like 150-200mg to start off then redose to re-hole with like 100-150mg top ups.
So I knew not to dose as high as ket, but obviously that wasnt enough. I fucked up big time. So I did take too much, obviously, of a new untested chem. I'm an idiot, I could have died. This was a huge slap in the face, which i evidently needed; to learn from this.
Oh, I had lots of good times on mxe too back in the day. Just so this all makes sense. If I only fucked up on it I wouldn't have sought a replacement for it all these years later.
If you read all of this I'm seriously impressed. Dont be too hard on me. I'm hard enough on myself! I know I was beyond stupid. I noticed earlier in this thread someone came too on their kitchen floor after dosing too high. Traveled from upstairs bedroom? So walked down the stairs while out of it/holing. With no memory of how he got there.
So I'm not alone. I hope this tale might have some use/merit. Before I went too far and took too much I was enjoying it. It felt like MXE to me. It's been years since I last had MXE mind you. I cant compare to all these other drugs: 3-meo-pcp/pce o-pce 3-HO-PCP, the ketamine analogue RC and the rest, as I haven't sampled any of them. After this incident I probably never will :/
So there you have it. I doubt the vast majority of people here need warning to not do as I did. As most people aren't nearly as stupid and careless as me. That's why it's less a warning and more a fucked up overdose story/trip report.
It's worrying that if you take too much it's possible to move around, thrash, flail your arms, spin around, stand, walk, fall over, damage yourself and things/people/animals around you (potentially) cry out, scream, make other weird noises, even speak properly at points when asked questions, appearing somewhat lucid. All whilst holing, with no memory of it when you come round. If you come round at all :S
Thanks for reading. I should be better and I will do better in the future. Definitely disgraceful behaviour which flies in the face of what this place stands for and promotes...ie harm reduction. Sorry bluelight. I've failed you :/
A week later and I am mostly healed. Still some scabs and bruising but not really in pain any more. I think I was lucky to get of so lightly, ultimately. I could have cracked my head open/became concussed. I maybe could have died somehow? I dont know. I do know I'm an embarrassment and a prized idiot. Perhaps internal damage to my pride/confidence/mental well being will take longer to heal/get over.. and maybe that's a good thing. I feel I deserve to feel this low. Hopefully it will reinforce/remind me to never be so blazae, careless and just downright stupid ever again.
My roomate seems normal now, we can joke about it a bit already. Coping mechanism I guess.
Peace.
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hydroazuanacaine
bluelighter
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damn, that sounds rough for both of you. glad to hear you did not seriously injure yourself.
psy997
Bluelighter
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That sounds like quite the experience, PUG.
I'm not so interested in you shaming yourself though as much as I am interested in what is within you that would have you experience what you did in the way that you did, not once, but twice. I don't know how the UK's medical system works but if you can find a Jungian analyst under coverage - or whatever it's called there - that would likely be a fruitful endeavor. There's something in you, there's something in all of us, that is the reason for or allowed for that experience to happen. The question is what?
I'm not so interested in you shaming yourself though as much as I am interested in what is within you that would have you experience what you did in the way that you did, not once, but twice. I don't know how the UK's medical system works but if you can find a Jungian analyst under coverage - or whatever it's called there - that would likely be a fruitful endeavor. There's something in you, there's something in all of us, that is the reason for or allowed for that experience to happen. The question is what?
tesseracts
Greenlighter
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Don't be too hard on yourself, PUG, you seem like a good hearted person. I've done much stupider and immoral things that put my life at risk, like driving when I could barely stand up because I shot some really strong fentanyl I thought was heroin. Go through some of the old posts on Bluelight and you won't believe the insane shit people do chasing that elusive feeling. Was just reading one where some guy and his wife go to on vacation to this third world tropical country to get fucked up on the cheap drugs there; dude gets in a fight with one of the locals while holing and busts his vial of ket all over the floor. Proceeds to suck up remainder of solution off the dirty floor and shoot into his and the missus' legs. Says his leg hurts and if this could be a problem. I was like, holy shit.
Hell of a write up, by the way. Classic trip report. You are obviously smart and educated. Be careful out there. I think most people on Bluelight, myself included, have some sort of demons they are keeping at bay in the form of depression, anxiety, baseline emotional state sucks in some way or another. It's easy for people to judge, but it's not always a level playing field when it comes to deciding to use.
On a lighter note, I've been reading these reports and hoping MXPr will turn out to be similar and a good replacement for MXE, which I love. I actually still have probably a dozen doses of pre-ban, but have not really been in a position in my life to take something that lasts longer than an hour. I find what I read encouraging. People who have issues seem to have considerable disso tolerance going in, which is not really a proper testing scenario. Obviously, this stuff is potent and not to be taken lightly.
Hell of a write up, by the way. Classic trip report. You are obviously smart and educated. Be careful out there. I think most people on Bluelight, myself included, have some sort of demons they are keeping at bay in the form of depression, anxiety, baseline emotional state sucks in some way or another. It's easy for people to judge, but it's not always a level playing field when it comes to deciding to use.
On a lighter note, I've been reading these reports and hoping MXPr will turn out to be similar and a good replacement for MXE, which I love. I actually still have probably a dozen doses of pre-ban, but have not really been in a position in my life to take something that lasts longer than an hour. I find what I read encouraging. People who have issues seem to have considerable disso tolerance going in, which is not really a proper testing scenario. Obviously, this stuff is potent and not to be taken lightly.
hydroazuanacaine
bluelighter
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- May 17, 2007
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- 8,497
this is the most confusing drug on the planet. all i know is when i do this drug, i’m confused. it’s crazy that this is a class of drugs. i hope everyone is ok. i hope we haven’t messed up. we have to help each other. we should never hurt each other.
psy997
Bluelighter
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That's how my first dissociative experiences were. Plain confusing. I think there's a different way of being that has to wriggle it's way through before it's not confusing anymore. Almost like it short circuits the default networking and until you learn to use the system it wants you to, you'll be super confused.
Not to encourage drug use.
hydroazuanacaine
bluelighter
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- May 17, 2007
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- 8,497
hi! thank you for answering my questions.
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ecstacylover
Bluelighter
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At a low doses MXPr is very reminiscent of MXE. Look at the clouds. They're furrowed and pink. Warm feeling, but cleaner in a way. Manic undertones are very apparent and I haven't pushed the doses. Euphoria is there. This has the makings of a powerful tool.
tesseracts
Greenlighter
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Remember that reactions to ANY drug are highly individual and a combination of both the substance and the person consuming it. For example, when I drink alcohol, the buzz is kind of meh, but to some people, alcohol is like crack. Another example is that I burned myself out on stimulants to the point where they mostly just makes me anxious, but they used to be quite euphoric.
The guy who had a bad trip and freaked out had had that reaction before on MXE, so I would reserve judgement and wait for some more reports before I assume MXPr is more prone to this sort of thing. Also, for me, 200 mg of MXE would be a MASSIVE dose. When I first started with that stuff I could hole off 50 mg, I don't think I ever took more than 100 and that was very strong
The guy who had a bad trip and freaked out had had that reaction before on MXE, so I would reserve judgement and wait for some more reports before I assume MXPr is more prone to this sort of thing. Also, for me, 200 mg of MXE would be a MASSIVE dose. When I first started with that stuff I could hole off 50 mg, I don't think I ever took more than 100 and that was very strong
pandahaze
Bluelighter
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Exactly, it was not wet though.
Asante
Bluelighter
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Pug, poor Pug *hugs*
Not to alarm you further but I had the same exact experience with MXE years back and it traumatized me. Not the A&E part but the Rigid Cycle of Everything. Its the nature of reality, it is fixed, rigid, one-way. On the God level this is ecstatic in the best sense of the word but if your Ego catches a glimpse of it -pow!- its traumatizing.
THE CYCLE IS NOT AS CLAUSTROPHOBIC AS YOU SAW IT. It is rigid and inescapable yes, but it contains the totality of all things across all time and it is ALL YOU. That means that you will live every possible life, in every possible way, forever.
If you get a Godlike overview of that when in Ego consciousness it is traumatic because it seems like spinning for all eternity in a single second, but its so much more, its a whole multiverse, on the inside. You saw an abstraction and that abstraction was a Cthulhu-esque horror that had you bouncin, pounding and thrashing just trying to hold on.
Let go.
It was the Abstraction that scared you. The factual cycle is so incredibly vast that its not a curse but a blessing to be part of it.
A consciousness that identifies either as the "unified consciousness of the Universe" or "God" (take your pick) gave me the following words of comfort, when I was out of my gourd on MXE on the night Trump became president:
The End?
There is a beginning, and there is an end to all things. we grieve the loss of what we hold dear and go on until we, too, end.
But! What if this universe is eternal? What if all things that once begun and ended, will happen again in every possible way, forever?
Think about it! You would not just have one life, but you would have every possible life, in every possible way, forever!
That means that no matter what you lose, your keys, your friends, your life, it would all come back to you, forever.
Rather than a prisoner of circumstance, you are liberated into total freedom.
Even if the sun would explode, a new earth would be, life would form on it and you will be born again into every possible reality.
Be free! Be brave! Play! Work! Achieve! Love! Not even all the nukes in the world can stop you! YOU ARE ETERNAL!
I hope you find as great a comfort in these words as I did, and do still. Let it be balm on the singe wound of having touched God Level reality without being equipped to deal with it.
It was the abstraction of reality that hurt you, not the true nature of reality. Your brain tried to grasp it into something it could get your head around and it proved to be tiny.
Because it was tiny, it hurt you by its claustrophobic sense of reducing something huge to a simple equasion.
Like a microdot of acid, or the single grain of sand left over from Fantasia, its far greater on the inside than it appears on the outside.
If you look at the earth from afar its a pale blue dot. That pale blue dot does not do it justice. It does not nearly does this gem of a planet any justice.
You will get over the spiritual trauma of what you experienced twice now, and to help you with it, I who experienced the same and overcame it, went at length for you.
You will get over this - the horror that made you spaz out so bad it scared everyone around you. See it as that, not some toxicity or medical disaster but you simply spazzed out to try and hold on when facing the horror of what you THOUGHT you saw.
What there actually IS, the Multiverse that is You - is of infinite beauty and total freedom because the totality of everything is within it, forever.
We love you. We, who are you, love you, eternally.
Not to alarm you further but I had the same exact experience with MXE years back and it traumatized me. Not the A&E part but the Rigid Cycle of Everything. Its the nature of reality, it is fixed, rigid, one-way. On the God level this is ecstatic in the best sense of the word but if your Ego catches a glimpse of it -pow!- its traumatizing.
THE CYCLE IS NOT AS CLAUSTROPHOBIC AS YOU SAW IT. It is rigid and inescapable yes, but it contains the totality of all things across all time and it is ALL YOU. That means that you will live every possible life, in every possible way, forever.
If you get a Godlike overview of that when in Ego consciousness it is traumatic because it seems like spinning for all eternity in a single second, but its so much more, its a whole multiverse, on the inside. You saw an abstraction and that abstraction was a Cthulhu-esque horror that had you bouncin, pounding and thrashing just trying to hold on.
Let go.
It was the Abstraction that scared you. The factual cycle is so incredibly vast that its not a curse but a blessing to be part of it.
A consciousness that identifies either as the "unified consciousness of the Universe" or "God" (take your pick) gave me the following words of comfort, when I was out of my gourd on MXE on the night Trump became president:
The End?
There is a beginning, and there is an end to all things. we grieve the loss of what we hold dear and go on until we, too, end.
But! What if this universe is eternal? What if all things that once begun and ended, will happen again in every possible way, forever?
Think about it! You would not just have one life, but you would have every possible life, in every possible way, forever!
That means that no matter what you lose, your keys, your friends, your life, it would all come back to you, forever.
Rather than a prisoner of circumstance, you are liberated into total freedom.
Even if the sun would explode, a new earth would be, life would form on it and you will be born again into every possible reality.
Be free! Be brave! Play! Work! Achieve! Love! Not even all the nukes in the world can stop you! YOU ARE ETERNAL!
I hope you find as great a comfort in these words as I did, and do still. Let it be balm on the singe wound of having touched God Level reality without being equipped to deal with it.
It was the abstraction of reality that hurt you, not the true nature of reality. Your brain tried to grasp it into something it could get your head around and it proved to be tiny.
Because it was tiny, it hurt you by its claustrophobic sense of reducing something huge to a simple equasion.
Like a microdot of acid, or the single grain of sand left over from Fantasia, its far greater on the inside than it appears on the outside.
If you look at the earth from afar its a pale blue dot. That pale blue dot does not do it justice. It does not nearly does this gem of a planet any justice.
You will get over the spiritual trauma of what you experienced twice now, and to help you with it, I who experienced the same and overcame it, went at length for you.
You will get over this - the horror that made you spaz out so bad it scared everyone around you. See it as that, not some toxicity or medical disaster but you simply spazzed out to try and hold on when facing the horror of what you THOUGHT you saw.
What there actually IS, the Multiverse that is You - is of infinite beauty and total freedom because the totality of everything is within it, forever.
We love you. We, who are you, love you, eternally.
PUGinaRUG
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2019
- Messages
- 193
Yeah people react differently to drugs for sure. I agree, I certainly don't think my report should be interpreted as MXPr being more prone to having freakouts than MXE.
I either just took too much of both chemicals and/or I'm more susceptible to a stimulating effect from it, with makes me 'move around' (that's putting it lightly) while holing. Certainly not a desired effect :/
I do recall someone else on here years ago, also saying they 'screamed' while holing on MXE. Plus that guy earlier in this thread saying he wound up on his kitchen floor, which I mentioned in my above novela!
So some people (maybe a huge minority?) definitely have the potential to move around and potentially harm themselves on MXE and MXPr. Whether that's from different brain chemistry or simply taking too much, or both, I'm not sure.
If it is simply from taking too much that would be a big concern that needs to be highlighted to warn people. But perhaps more likely, it's just certain individuals who are more at risk; if they take too much? That seems to make more sense to me.
One interpretation of my essay is MXPr is extremely similar to MXE in effects (from what I remember MXE to be like.) Freak outs included; for me at least! Remember before it all went tits up and I took too much, I was enjoying it greatly. It felt like MXE. I was very optimistic that they had cracked it with this chem. I haven't changed my mind on that. I just think that regrettably it's not a drug I can personally take anymore. But that's just me. I'm a special case
Asante
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 4, 2012
- Messages
- 1,111
I finished the last half gram of my MXE 4 months ago, MXE is fresh in my memory. I decided to quit dissociatives for good, but as I'm one of the very few with such a recent history of uninterrupted MXE use, its my duty to experience MXPr - just once - and report on it.
For science.
For science.
PUGinaRUG
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2019
- Messages
- 193
That's an interesting interpretation and I think I agree with it.
I have always felt from a young age (and expressed these views to friends and family many times) that all there really is, is consciousness and the physical universe is a construct created by consciousness.
I probably weaved together this idea from various things I've read and watched. Maybe some buddism? Other spiritual texts? I dont know.
Bill Hicks comes to mind though:
When I used to talk about this theory, I would say that if something had to come first; either physical reality/the universe/planets etc. (so sciences understanding) or consciousness; consciousness coming first makes the most sense to me. The physical universe coming first and creating life/consciousness just doesnt make as much sense to me.
A singular consciousness that has always existed perhaps? What would that consciousness choose to do with eternity? Perhaps try to learn and experience all there is to learn and experience. To understand what it is? What is the purpose of it's existence? Maybe consciousness chose to split itself infinitesimally into all forms of life across the universe (which it created) and after death we reconnect with this source. Maybe to be reborn as another person or animal? We forget where we come from when we are born into the physical world out of necessity. But when we die, we reconnect with the whole and remember everything.
I used an analogy which I may have inadvertently stole from someone else: Conciousness is like an infinitely multifaceted diamond. And each facet is a fragment of that conciousness, only able to look outwards when 'alive' in the physical universe, unable to see that it's part of a far greater whole.
This always resonated with me. My intuition says its correct. But theres always the argument that humans cant cope with or face death, so make up heaven, reincarnation etc to cope. I hope that's not the case!
Asante
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 4, 2012
- Messages
- 1,111
Christopher Michael Langan (IQ 190-210) has a theory of Everything, where the universe consists of consciousness, that consciousness is a fundamental property of energy and that the universe basically is self-writing code. Look up his CTMU (Cognitive Theoretic Model of the Universe), its compelling.