ProfessrHyperdimensional
Greenlighter
I know how that goes.
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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
Recovery My cliché recovery journal
- Thread starter Rio Fantastic
- Start date
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
Thanks for the support everyone. I used again on Thursday, bought some heroin + crack and felt happy for the first time in a week. Realized it was a bad idea as I had work the next day, so I saved a shot of H and got a few diazapam tablets to get me through the work day, which got me through it. Been sober since then, I'm really fucking depressed. Trying to stop being stuck in my own head, and I hope/know/pray that in a few days I'll be feeling better as usual. I had the lethargic misery that I feel after lapsing. I need to break this poisonous cycle. At least I'm trying again, I guess. Been fantasizing about past relapses today - not even in the context of wanting to use today, but just these warm recollections like "remember that time I gave in last November after 2 months clean?" I miss that thrill and excitement that knowing I'm about to relapse brings, but thankfully when I'm this depressed it's almost easy to not use since I know that's what made me feel like this, if that makes sense.
How have you been, chinup? I didn't fully understand anorexia - I knew what it was, but I didn't realize just how destructive it was. A couple of days ago I watched "To the bone", a fantastic film about a young girl suffering from anorexia. It really shocked me, and then I watched the documentary "Thin", and it's given me a lot more empathy for sufferers of anorexia. It's a horrible illness, and I hope that you've mostly overcome it.
How have you been, chinup? I didn't fully understand anorexia - I knew what it was, but I didn't realize just how destructive it was. A couple of days ago I watched "To the bone", a fantastic film about a young girl suffering from anorexia. It really shocked me, and then I watched the documentary "Thin", and it's given me a lot more empathy for sufferers of anorexia. It's a horrible illness, and I hope that you've mostly overcome it.
somnilicious
Bluelighter
Hang in there Rio.. I relapsed on Monday and Friday. I then went all weekend without kratom and I am on my third day totally clean. I have a bag of kratom that I probably need to throw out because it would often give me anxiety and it was really affecting my mental state because i couldn't sleep. I went to an NA meeting and I plan on hitting one today as well. I've decided to drink the Kool-Aid again....lol..... keep coming back buddy. Victory comes to those, who persevere. Good things will come in time. I'm right here with you!!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
can you maybe get back onto the waiting list for rehab? i'm sorry you used again but glad it at least felt good. right now i'd kill to even not feel tired.
to get a decent stint of clean time, to the point you don't even want to use anymore, even when you feel like shit, you are gonna have to ride out a lot of feeling like shit. sorry to say that but it's true. fill your time as much as you can. how you're feeling does make sense. i still get euphoric recall, even about stuff that was horrible at the time. its the addict part of the brain trying to find its way in. that why its so important to reframe using, to really make yourself see it for what it is. for me the step 1 of the 12 steps, some of the questions, made me see this. like there was one where you had to write down everything you'd done that you would have gone to prison for if you'd got caught. i'd always thought i was quite a law abiding addict but fucking hell i could have gone down for a long time.
i've just been tired tired tired. my head is fucking with me about my weight big time. i think i never properly recovered from anorexia, cos in the inpatient therapy they cemented my bento addiction big time, so i just learned to not care. also i hated IP, they wouldn't even give me vegetarian food cos anorexics aren't allowed to make any requests about food. i actually lost weight in there. cos i've been addicted to downers ever since and been thin cos of my drug problems, i've never really recovered mentally even though i did gain some weight.
anorexia is hell. like you know you're insane. i woke up one morning and wasn't allowed bananas and apples anymore. just like that. at least with drugs there is a pay off. with anorexia there is nothing, there is an anorexic high but that's not often and its mostly low, low, low. you never get the pay off, being 'thin,' it never comes. first you want a prominent clavicle, you get it but your chest bones aren't visible, then you get those but your wrists are too thick..... i used to black out all the time and the doctors didn't know why i wasn't in a coma when i was admitted to psych crisis, cos my blood pressure was so low. part of why i went voluntarily into treatment, even though i didn't see how it was possible for me to get better, was cos i was scared of dying of a cold or something. i wanted to die by metabolising my own heart. then i'd have been thin. physically i was in a much worse state when i was hospitalised for anorexia than i was when i went to rehab. so that's why i feel so stuck now. i can't try to diet cos i put myself back at risk of that.
to get a decent stint of clean time, to the point you don't even want to use anymore, even when you feel like shit, you are gonna have to ride out a lot of feeling like shit. sorry to say that but it's true. fill your time as much as you can. how you're feeling does make sense. i still get euphoric recall, even about stuff that was horrible at the time. its the addict part of the brain trying to find its way in. that why its so important to reframe using, to really make yourself see it for what it is. for me the step 1 of the 12 steps, some of the questions, made me see this. like there was one where you had to write down everything you'd done that you would have gone to prison for if you'd got caught. i'd always thought i was quite a law abiding addict but fucking hell i could have gone down for a long time.
i've just been tired tired tired. my head is fucking with me about my weight big time. i think i never properly recovered from anorexia, cos in the inpatient therapy they cemented my bento addiction big time, so i just learned to not care. also i hated IP, they wouldn't even give me vegetarian food cos anorexics aren't allowed to make any requests about food. i actually lost weight in there. cos i've been addicted to downers ever since and been thin cos of my drug problems, i've never really recovered mentally even though i did gain some weight.
anorexia is hell. like you know you're insane. i woke up one morning and wasn't allowed bananas and apples anymore. just like that. at least with drugs there is a pay off. with anorexia there is nothing, there is an anorexic high but that's not often and its mostly low, low, low. you never get the pay off, being 'thin,' it never comes. first you want a prominent clavicle, you get it but your chest bones aren't visible, then you get those but your wrists are too thick..... i used to black out all the time and the doctors didn't know why i wasn't in a coma when i was admitted to psych crisis, cos my blood pressure was so low. part of why i went voluntarily into treatment, even though i didn't see how it was possible for me to get better, was cos i was scared of dying of a cold or something. i wanted to die by metabolising my own heart. then i'd have been thin. physically i was in a much worse state when i was hospitalised for anorexia than i was when i went to rehab. so that's why i feel so stuck now. i can't try to diet cos i put myself back at risk of that.
hyroller
Bluelighter
i guess it must be a form of self-pushishment. if anything, it evades the pleasure and reward pathways (though I would question the latter with a woman whom I was quite familiar with for we'll say 5+years). I do not know. there is some grey area with people being 'summoned for duty' if they've ever had success on a bid to lose weight, which, if anything, comes from mounting pressures in the mass media. I do think people go to extremes on their diet. But I just so happen to crave food. when I grazed and fueled my metabolism constantly, while exercising, everything was hunky dinghy. but i do not fantasize about throwing up food. I think really being obsessed by body image would befall someone whose cosmic grasp on life was not as widespread as my own. whatever that may mean.
however, I've restricted my caloric intake in the past and it has yielded results. I no longer indulge in toasted corn because I read the energy intake one time and just about felt dizzy so you know, there's a weight-conscious middle-ground that may well present as borderline but nonetheless does not produce a figure that is by any stretch a threat to the healthy human condition. when in diet mode I usually get in touch with my exercise-driven self. diet & exercise go together. though I kept a crack habit up at my peril because it amounted to abstinence from food when I affiliated with this other aforementioned massively underweight bird and more or less, her philosophies shaped the continuum of our friendship. she was funny with towing the line. I think she did so to fulfil a quota, of so-called friends. her influence has to have therefore been a negative that I should have assessed for the feeling I was overcome with when introduced to her. seriously, it's cracking me up dwelling on the matter. she's gladly old news.
I think maybe sometimes timeslots limit your choice in recreational exercise, but half an hour per day is the reccommendation. it suited me when this was a televised event that lent itself toward participation.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
Thanks for the support! Did you lapse on Kratom?? How do you feel now?
I will definitely start exercising once I have my energy & motivation back. I've been so depressed these past couple weeks I've been patting myself on the back just for getting out of bed before noon and taking a shower. If I don't have my spark back within a week I'll just force myself to do some rather than waiting for the energy to come. I don't think anyone denies that calorie restriction can be done appropriately for someone dieting down to a healthy weight, but it seems like anorexics cannot trust their self image to know when calorie restriction is appropriate so their illness will drive them to deny themselves calories till they're starving to death.
The way the system works here in the UK, unless you have the money to go private, is you get a state-sponsored trip to rehab, and then you have to wait at least 5 years before you can go again, at which point you have to demonstrate to a review board why this time would be different, so unfortunately rehab isn't an option at the moment. I love that about re-framing using. Euphoric recall is something I definitely struggle with.
Can you get some counselling or anything for your anorexia?
hyroller
Bluelighter
eating issues are not things the drug afflicted take with utter seriousness. not in my dealings with those plagued by both. honestly, these people get haunted by the temptations of the flesh, and will stop at nothing to assert their preference for lack of personal upkeep. I think it's a self-loathing, but self-worth may actually be affirmed by putting ones body through the so-called ringer. i do not envy anyone juggling both, to even a minor extent.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I'm so fucking sick of all of this.
I'm on day 5 of this stretch of pseudo-sobriety (I take 2mg bupe/day), but I'm in my sixth year battling heroin addiction. I've done 1-6 weeks sober countless times. My entire life is spent relapsing, recovering from the relapse and then relapsing again. I have had no notable achievements since I was 18 years old. I am so tired of feeling physically & mentally broken following a relapse, only to start to emerge from the haze of lethargy and misery and begin feeling human again, to then relapse again and repeat the fucking endless cycle. I want off this merry-go-round. I haven't bought new clothes in 3 years. I work an entry-level cinema job with teenagers and middle aged people with no ambitions. The only thing in my life that has progressed or developed in SIX YEARS is my drug addiction. I've gotten better at lying and shooting up, that's about it. Other than that I am half the man I was at 19. How fucking pathetic is that? If only my 16 year old self could see me now, he would be fucking disgusted at what that ambitious, intelligent, sensible and confident guy became. I have to break this fucking cycle.
It's all so fucking repetitive. Every relapse is identical in its fundamentals. It starts with a depression - it may come on suddenly, or it may have settled over my mind over the course of a few days like a fog, making my mind foggy and giving everything a dark and miserable filter that I can't penetrate consciously. I either will just endure it - it usually lifts in less than a week - or I will relapse. It makes it so easy to lapse, when I've been feeling totally anhedonic and devoid of any kind of joy or happiness for days, and literally the only thought that can lift me is thinking of using, past relapses, past benders. The possibility of using again goes from something I'm actively fighting against, the enemy, to seeming like the only thing that can save me from my misery. A glimmer of hope. A reservoir in the desert. A warm fire in a long, cold, dark night. I think to myself "What if I just used for today?" At first I will try to fight the thought by putting it out of my mind, but it will creep up. Whilst my conscious mind is trying to push it away, my subconscious mind is already scheming on how I'll get the money and hide it from everyone. By the time the butterflies of excitement start fluttering in my chest, it's too late. Suddenly I'm charged with a new energy. I have a purpose now. My lethargy and misery is lifted, and every fiber of my being is concentrated on attaining a fix, THE fix for all my problems.
I use. All my worries are obliterated. I feel fantastic. I vow while I'm high to not continue relapsing into the next day. I wake up the next day and am overwhelmed by guilt, frustration & shame at having give in again. I spend a day hardly able to crawl out of bed while my body & mind recovers from the drugs. Then at some point, the depression will set in again. The cycle continues. I know that if I just persevere I can break this cycle. I know that I have the capacity to do it. I need to look forward in life, and rather than dwelling on time lost I need to focus on all I haven't lost, and all I have to gain. I look forward to having 2 or 3 months clean, just so I can be in uncharted territory again, because this cycle got old years ago. It's time to kick this shit.
Sorry for rambling, just felt like I had to vent. How is everyone doing today? It's grey, raining & miserable here in the UK, a foreboding reminder that summer is nearly over, but I'm starting to feel a little more energy & clarity than the past couple of days, so it's not all bad. Thanks to everyone here who's supported me, spoke to me and helped me, I don't know where I'd be without this forum.
I'm on day 5 of this stretch of pseudo-sobriety (I take 2mg bupe/day), but I'm in my sixth year battling heroin addiction. I've done 1-6 weeks sober countless times. My entire life is spent relapsing, recovering from the relapse and then relapsing again. I have had no notable achievements since I was 18 years old. I am so tired of feeling physically & mentally broken following a relapse, only to start to emerge from the haze of lethargy and misery and begin feeling human again, to then relapse again and repeat the fucking endless cycle. I want off this merry-go-round. I haven't bought new clothes in 3 years. I work an entry-level cinema job with teenagers and middle aged people with no ambitions. The only thing in my life that has progressed or developed in SIX YEARS is my drug addiction. I've gotten better at lying and shooting up, that's about it. Other than that I am half the man I was at 19. How fucking pathetic is that? If only my 16 year old self could see me now, he would be fucking disgusted at what that ambitious, intelligent, sensible and confident guy became. I have to break this fucking cycle.
It's all so fucking repetitive. Every relapse is identical in its fundamentals. It starts with a depression - it may come on suddenly, or it may have settled over my mind over the course of a few days like a fog, making my mind foggy and giving everything a dark and miserable filter that I can't penetrate consciously. I either will just endure it - it usually lifts in less than a week - or I will relapse. It makes it so easy to lapse, when I've been feeling totally anhedonic and devoid of any kind of joy or happiness for days, and literally the only thought that can lift me is thinking of using, past relapses, past benders. The possibility of using again goes from something I'm actively fighting against, the enemy, to seeming like the only thing that can save me from my misery. A glimmer of hope. A reservoir in the desert. A warm fire in a long, cold, dark night. I think to myself "What if I just used for today?" At first I will try to fight the thought by putting it out of my mind, but it will creep up. Whilst my conscious mind is trying to push it away, my subconscious mind is already scheming on how I'll get the money and hide it from everyone. By the time the butterflies of excitement start fluttering in my chest, it's too late. Suddenly I'm charged with a new energy. I have a purpose now. My lethargy and misery is lifted, and every fiber of my being is concentrated on attaining a fix, THE fix for all my problems.
I use. All my worries are obliterated. I feel fantastic. I vow while I'm high to not continue relapsing into the next day. I wake up the next day and am overwhelmed by guilt, frustration & shame at having give in again. I spend a day hardly able to crawl out of bed while my body & mind recovers from the drugs. Then at some point, the depression will set in again. The cycle continues. I know that if I just persevere I can break this cycle. I know that I have the capacity to do it. I need to look forward in life, and rather than dwelling on time lost I need to focus on all I haven't lost, and all I have to gain. I look forward to having 2 or 3 months clean, just so I can be in uncharted territory again, because this cycle got old years ago. It's time to kick this shit.
Sorry for rambling, just felt like I had to vent. How is everyone doing today? It's grey, raining & miserable here in the UK, a foreboding reminder that summer is nearly over, but I'm starting to feel a little more energy & clarity than the past couple of days, so it's not all bad. Thanks to everyone here who's supported me, spoke to me and helped me, I don't know where I'd be without this forum.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
When I get that surge of electric excitement in my chest at the thought of using, by then it's too late to put the breaks on a relapse. I need to insert something between that first tentative thought of "Hmm - what if I used today?" and that feeling of excitement where I'm actively planning it in order to prevent future relapses. I'm brainstorming some ideas here, and I'd appreciate any and all feedback of other ideas of how to prevent it:
-Challenging the thought immediately. Reminding myself of my long-term goals "Playing the tape forward" as they say in NA. Reminding myself of how shitty it feels waking up the next day, surrounded by syringes, looking at my calendar with a big fat red X following the green ticks representing sobriety. How awful it feels having to go back to the drawing board, to pick myself up again because I've fallen back to square 1. Thinking about the (admittedly very few) times I've resisted a serious craving, and the satisfied, contented feeling I've had when the craving has passed where I reflect on how thankful I am for not giving in.
-Urge-surfing, feeling the craving but trying to hold it at a distance and allowing it to pass. Meditating to experience the craving without acting on it. Reminding myself of my agency in the situation. Not identifying with the craving - I am not craving drugs, I am experiencing a craving etc.
-Distracting myself. Shifting my focus to something else. Watching a film, reading a book, watching a youtube video, browsing the recovery threads here. Writing out my thoughts and what I'm experiencing. Putting my attention on something else while I wait for the craving to pass. I could combine this with something else I've heard in NA - telling myself I will put the craving to one side for half an hour, ten minutes, five minutes before I re-assess the situation, and repeating this however many times is necessary.
-Picking up the phone and telling someone supportive how I'm feeling. I've literally never done this outside of rehab, even though it's been suggested to me so many times, and despite the amount of people I've met in SMART meetings who've told me to call them when I'm struggling. I think I need to force myself to do this next time I have a serious using thought, and do it immediately before I succumb to it.
-Doing something physically active - running, push-ups, or just walking. I usually have less of an intense urge to use after exercising, so this could be effective.
-Using the HALT acronym - hungry, angry, lonely, tired - to assess if my emotional state is being compromised by some thing I'm physically lacking and then appropriately addressing it. In sobriety, especially early sobriety, I usually don't eat all day until very late in the evening, tiny problems become huge issues when I let my frustration carry me away, I isolate, and since I'm usually trying to correct my sleeping schedule after fucking it up with drugs I'm usually running on 5-6 hours sleep, so these are all things I need to address before they drag me down.
If anyone has any feedback or other ideas or even just want to share what has worked for them I would appreciate it!
-Challenging the thought immediately. Reminding myself of my long-term goals "Playing the tape forward" as they say in NA. Reminding myself of how shitty it feels waking up the next day, surrounded by syringes, looking at my calendar with a big fat red X following the green ticks representing sobriety. How awful it feels having to go back to the drawing board, to pick myself up again because I've fallen back to square 1. Thinking about the (admittedly very few) times I've resisted a serious craving, and the satisfied, contented feeling I've had when the craving has passed where I reflect on how thankful I am for not giving in.
-Urge-surfing, feeling the craving but trying to hold it at a distance and allowing it to pass. Meditating to experience the craving without acting on it. Reminding myself of my agency in the situation. Not identifying with the craving - I am not craving drugs, I am experiencing a craving etc.
-Distracting myself. Shifting my focus to something else. Watching a film, reading a book, watching a youtube video, browsing the recovery threads here. Writing out my thoughts and what I'm experiencing. Putting my attention on something else while I wait for the craving to pass. I could combine this with something else I've heard in NA - telling myself I will put the craving to one side for half an hour, ten minutes, five minutes before I re-assess the situation, and repeating this however many times is necessary.
-Picking up the phone and telling someone supportive how I'm feeling. I've literally never done this outside of rehab, even though it's been suggested to me so many times, and despite the amount of people I've met in SMART meetings who've told me to call them when I'm struggling. I think I need to force myself to do this next time I have a serious using thought, and do it immediately before I succumb to it.
-Doing something physically active - running, push-ups, or just walking. I usually have less of an intense urge to use after exercising, so this could be effective.
-Using the HALT acronym - hungry, angry, lonely, tired - to assess if my emotional state is being compromised by some thing I'm physically lacking and then appropriately addressing it. In sobriety, especially early sobriety, I usually don't eat all day until very late in the evening, tiny problems become huge issues when I let my frustration carry me away, I isolate, and since I'm usually trying to correct my sleeping schedule after fucking it up with drugs I'm usually running on 5-6 hours sleep, so these are all things I need to address before they drag me down.
If anyone has any feedback or other ideas or even just want to share what has worked for them I would appreciate it!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
rio i think you're totally right about there being a certain point in a craving where you are going to score, so stopping before then. all your ideas are really good.
the only thing that has got me through when i've been white knuckling it for days no idea how i was gonna get through it is truly believing it will pass. this is where knowing addicts in recovery helps. if you know people who have used like you and struggled like you and got clean and are enjoying life, unless you believe you're super special, you know you will get to that point too if you don't use. it might not pass in the time frame you'd prefer, but it will.
you have to start believing that using actually, on balance, makes you feel like shit, so you start seeing it that way. but that only gets so far cos there's a point where feeling like shit in the future means nothing when feeling good now is an option. for me getting to that point, which took 8 months and seeing my friend relapse, was a turning point in my recovery. this might sound harsh but it might be worth remembering to counter cravings: right now you are torturing yourself. if you'd not used this year, you would have lost the obsession and be putting your life back together. the only way to break this cycle and live is to not use.
it will happen for you. are you filling your time?
also could you maybe find some nice things you wanna buy when you get paid? don't feel like you should save money cos of how much you've spent on drugs. if you get clean you've got the rest of your life to do that now. spending the money kills 2 birds with one stone, you don't have the money any more and you get something you like.
i'm pretty sure cross addicting into non drugs, non self destructive, stuff (guitar, work, random shit on the internet) also really helped me. i just didn't care, its not drugs, its not gonna kill me, i'm using that obsessive part of my brain so its got less room to fixate on drugs, i can work on the other stuff later. that's how i viewed it.
how you doing today anyway?
the only thing that has got me through when i've been white knuckling it for days no idea how i was gonna get through it is truly believing it will pass. this is where knowing addicts in recovery helps. if you know people who have used like you and struggled like you and got clean and are enjoying life, unless you believe you're super special, you know you will get to that point too if you don't use. it might not pass in the time frame you'd prefer, but it will.
you have to start believing that using actually, on balance, makes you feel like shit, so you start seeing it that way. but that only gets so far cos there's a point where feeling like shit in the future means nothing when feeling good now is an option. for me getting to that point, which took 8 months and seeing my friend relapse, was a turning point in my recovery. this might sound harsh but it might be worth remembering to counter cravings: right now you are torturing yourself. if you'd not used this year, you would have lost the obsession and be putting your life back together. the only way to break this cycle and live is to not use.
it will happen for you. are you filling your time?
also could you maybe find some nice things you wanna buy when you get paid? don't feel like you should save money cos of how much you've spent on drugs. if you get clean you've got the rest of your life to do that now. spending the money kills 2 birds with one stone, you don't have the money any more and you get something you like.
i'm pretty sure cross addicting into non drugs, non self destructive, stuff (guitar, work, random shit on the internet) also really helped me. i just didn't care, its not drugs, its not gonna kill me, i'm using that obsessive part of my brain so its got less room to fixate on drugs, i can work on the other stuff later. that's how i viewed it.
how you doing today anyway?
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I don't think I get cravings like that anymore and am not sure what "worked" for me. I think it's probably a better sign to want things you shouldn't have than want nothing more from depression/indifference so I think there's a way you can channel that feeling into a positive energy, like being creative or helpful to others etc. Focus on your passions or goals. That's probably what others would say, and to an extent I would as well.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
holy shit dude. that part about torturing yourself for no reason and considering that I'd be free of this obsession if I hadn't used for a year - that really hit home. I've never thought about it that way before. fuck. That hit me as really profound. Thanks for that, I'll definitely be using it. Unfortunately I owe my Mum so much money and am behind on bills so I can't treat myself when I get paid, at least not yet, but I can rest assured that I won't have any disposable cash at least. I'm managing to fill my time now, my hours at work have picked up so I'm just getting as many shifts in as I can. I don't think about using much when I'm working and afterwards I'm tired out so I'm less likely to score. Free time is the enemy ATM - I try and fill all my time with something, since my mood goes down and my cravings go up if I spend even a couple days by myself, so I'm trying to be around others as much as possible. I've been OK overall today - I had a real mood dip earlier, but it's lifted now. I did 6 1/2 hours at work and then walked back the 3 miles, and the walk left me shattered but my mood has definitely lifted. How are you?
It's unsettling isn't it. I mean, we've been pondering the 'free will' vs 'determinism' paradox since probably humans first became conscious. Whatever exactly 'consciousness' is... But addiction is like being a passenger in our own bodies sometimes. It's like water finds its path of least resistance, our behavior is plain hijacked. Nomatter how intelligent or self-disciplined we might have been at one point in time, when the 'beast' is in control, it's... I hate the concept of powerlessness, but...
And that's the mystery. Like the past 8 months I have been caught the f-ck out, and have just not really felt I had much choice, and for some reason, I don't even remember exactly what happened, but now I feel I have a choice. I don't get it. I'm a skeptical, evidence based person, but perhaps it is a gift from something outside myself. Collective unconscious, ancestor spirits, I don't know. I just feel humbled and motivated to live a better life this time, and not fall back into destructive patterns.
What's helped me is mixing in taking care of practical matters, and meetings/this board, reconnecting with friends and family who have my back, and some Netflix/movies- watching Stranger Things season 3 currently.
I'm bad at actually talking on the phone, I like texting on phone and talking in person.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
thanks JB. How long have you been sober? How old are you?? What's your situation?
Just 6 days this time :/
But i was sober for 7 months in 2018, >1yr from winter 2016 to Spring 2018, >2 years from 2014 to 2016, etc going all the way back to when I first tried to stay clean in say 2000 at age 17 (and I had a bluelight and clubnyc/clubplanet handle way back then- I've been a fan of bbs forums for a long time.)
So I have some experience, even if I haven't made it last. I met someone at a meeting in NYC last week who had 2 yrs and said he'd been at it for 40. It is what is is, no judgment. Many people never make it even to a year.
How about yourself?
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I'm only 2 days ahead of you! but hey man, like you say, we're doing far better than if we'd used today! its been a weird day today. woke up energetic and optimistic, but then it slowly declined into a vague sadness and dis-ease that I've been trying to shake since then. I have work tomorrow which I'm dreading, but then I have 3 days off, so I'll be pleased when tomorrow is over. hope everyone is doing OK!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
i'm really glad that it was useful for me to point out that continuing this cycle is torturing yourself. its got to be an uncomfortable thing to accept so i didn't want you to take it the wrong way. i hope it helps.
free time is definitely an enemy in early recovery, filling it as much as possible, but at a sustainable rate, will definitely really help you.
at least owing your mum means you won't have disposable cash. i would say don't pressure yourself too much because you do really need to enjoy yourself, and a lot of fun stuff requires money. for your brain to stop fixating on drugs, you need experience of other things that make you feel good. i owe my parents 65k and i've not paid them a penny yet, i will start soon but i've used the money to pay my deposit for my house, etc. i will start. even if you just keep back a fiver so you can buy some tasty treats. i'd suggest the cinema but last time i went it was 14 quid and i'm not sure many films merit being seen on a big screen by that much. paying back an extra few quid now doesn't make much of a difference, doing things you enjoy support your long term recovery, and that does make a difference.
free time is definitely an enemy in early recovery, filling it as much as possible, but at a sustainable rate, will definitely really help you.
at least owing your mum means you won't have disposable cash. i would say don't pressure yourself too much because you do really need to enjoy yourself, and a lot of fun stuff requires money. for your brain to stop fixating on drugs, you need experience of other things that make you feel good. i owe my parents 65k and i've not paid them a penny yet, i will start soon but i've used the money to pay my deposit for my house, etc. i will start. even if you just keep back a fiver so you can buy some tasty treats. i'd suggest the cinema but last time i went it was 14 quid and i'm not sure many films merit being seen on a big screen by that much. paying back an extra few quid now doesn't make much of a difference, doing things you enjoy support your long term recovery, and that does make a difference.
hyroller
Bluelighter
denying the body of food is one of the worst things you can do. at least keep up fluids.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
That may or may not be an accurate way of describing how mental obsessions operate in the brain, but if you are referring to like a conscious one, yes I get what you're saying.
Many of my obsessions are still there and can be things to avoid/fear i.e. heroin instead of like/desire, if that makes any sense. Being acutely aware how terrible and shitty the withdrawal is likely the only reason why I haven't relapsed in the many years I've been free from buprenorphine, heroin, etc. all those injectable high potency opiates that are poison to a brain like mine.
Not letting your obsessions control you or be on the forefront of your mind is what one can really hope for. I am sure many people have lifelong obsessions of any kind that may wax/wane but are never truly gone. The way the NACC/brain "remembers", operates, seeks things out is intentionally permeating.
CONGRATULATIONS! I say this to CJ and anyone else who is working *while in recovery*; not everyone has the luxury of taking an indefinite period of their lives off to deal with these sorts of issues, I can relate and I have nothing but respect for people like you who are choosing to contribute to society despite the roughness of recovery.
In time things will fall in place, you'll keep doing things correctly/"right" and things will just fall in line; just believe in yourself is my #1 advice. If you are sober and have a job that's like 99% of the work in my opinion.
Even if you still have "bad days" (like myself) things will gradually get better, perhaps week by week if not day by day.
Congratulations! The first 2-3 days are the most telling; if you can make it past that you can go as long as you want and even if it's not "really up to you" due to determinism or what not, you can always do it again. Keep fighting the good fight!
This is why I find deep comfort in determinism. Often we're just along for the ride. No one should really beat themselves up over anything just be you, be your best every day. Actually bad people will never feel "guilt" or "remorse" so it's totally necessary to stop beating onesself up. Self-forgiveness is pretty hard, I worked on that in the years' past and it seemed to stick to "some degree".
^ this; aim for at least a fourth to a third of average calories to keep your blood sugar well enough to be in a decent mood and also for optimal-ish brain functioning. Drinking water is really necessary; if this is ever an issue due to physical illness you can suck on ice chips or rub them on your lips; you absolutely have to keep fluids up.
It's important to note if you lose too much weight at once it's going to backfire, it's not a good thing and if you find yourself in a funk where you've lost the will to eat or what not you really need to reach out for help.
Many people do religious fasts and I don't think there's much wrong with them but you should absolutely follow these rules to be on the safe side.
I just noticed the food thing and I'm sorry I wasn't a bit more careful (I have had a terrible year)
ok so I'm not a big "breakfast" person, normally because I wake up feeling like shit. If this is something you're experiencing, you can prepare food the day before and have like a cold breakfast, something small, so you don't start the day with extra chores, dishes to clean or whatever. Sometimes a piece of fruit, or a thing of yogurt is cheaper than a traditional breakfast. Starting the day with breakfast is allegedly "very important"; I'm not a nutritionist but that's what they say. I typically eat a huge dinner (also not something "they advise") so the last thing I want to say is "do as I say not as I do" because that will sound trite and stupid.
I would go into philosophy a bit and what not but I won't. I'm not sure what else to suggest about the food thing other than always have like a piece of fruit or a small prepared cold meal ready so you don't have to do early morning cooking. I know not everyone's a "morning person".
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
Hey guys. Want to start updating this journal again. I relapsed in Mid-August, and unlike all my previous relapses of 2019 it just went on & on & on. I made a bad decision while high to invite another user to come live with me. Que a three month relapse. I'm just now emerging from it, day 4 clean and back on subs. It's terrifying how three months went by in the blink of an eye. Giving recovery another go. Hope everyone is doing alright.