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July Recovery Thread

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Captain.Heroin said:
I have medication and I write out how I feel, what I'm thinking a lot. It seems to help. I don't go to therapy because I think it only makes me more bitter and upset.

It doesn't surprise me how many years of active addiction I had considering the issues I am facing.

Thank you Rio, you're a great guy and I really hope things are going well for you.
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how long have you been dealing with these issues drug-free?? Is it intermittent or just there all the time?? What meds do you take?? Also, was the therapy you tried CBT-based? I've heard a lot of good about CBT, especially favorable when compared with traditional psychotherapy. I don't know what meds you are on, but if you have psychiatrists that just give you different SSRIs then maybe consider finding a new one. I've heard a lot of good about older antidepressants like MAOIs, especially tranylcypromine in the context of treatment-resistant depression. I've been reading a lot about how there's a growing opinion that MAOIs and even tricyclics were superior antidepressants to SSRIs but a variety of factors (like the broadening inclusiveness of the conditions that fall under the diagnosis "depression", the expiration of patents and the resultant p-hacking and even straight up fraud by pharma companies) have meant that the public and even many in the field are wrongly convinced that SSRIs are the better drugs. Don't get me wrong, I've personally seen SSRIS like Prozac work miracles for people, I'm not one of these anti-psychiatry loons who claim that no pharmaceuticals work, just that the effectiveness of SSRIs has been way overstated whilst the effectiveness of older antidepressants has been downplayed to shift the focus to the newer drugs.

Regardless, I hope you find some stability soon. If you've tried CBT, other antidepressants etc have you considered some of the more dramatic therapies like ketamine or even ECT?? These have been found to work on many with treatment-resistant depression, especially ECT. If you're interested in the stuff about SSRIs vs older antidepressants I can send you some links, there's definitely a strong case to be made for it and it's very convincing.
 
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When you say "drug free", zero. Cannabis is a drug and I'm not going to quit. I voluntarily and involuntarily go about 12 hours without it and the withdrawal begins. Yes, there is a withdrawal from it. I have been using cannabis heavily for over 10 years now.

I find it easier to quit hard drugs (that ARE NOT opiates) than I do cannabis. I'm fucked in the head, I know.

Occasionally am using benzodiazepines (rx'd) and they help; I am not dependent on them and can regularly take breaks: no cravings, no desire to use, and am on average just as happy without them. I have extremely bad mental health issues that require it (and if everyone responded the same way to benzos I did no one would get addicted to them: I really hate to hear people's struggles with them and hope one day we figure a better option out for everyone else). And cannabis extract (shatter). That's it.

I have tried EMDR. I don't want to try other forms of therapy.

I have tried an MAOI. Hypertensive crisis was severely painful and I opted not to continue taking it though it was totally my fault and I always fuck everything up, I can't even say it was "working" for my issues. I guess it seemed to be but it was hard to tell (my life stress back then was a bit lower than it is now).

SSRI's are terribly addictive and I responded well to buproprion once many, many years ago and do not wish to try it again. I have SNDRI-type meds and literally zero will to take them (sadly I will probably end my life before trying such trash medicine again). My disdain for SSRI/SNDRI type medications is ONLY because they're pushed on people with depression with zero/minimal efficacy: SSRI's do have their uses.

Seemingly with OCD some are highly efficient; SSRI's for depression are not effective.
 
I realize I didn't answer your question Rio I'm so sorry

I have been experiencing depression for about 20 years if you can believe it. PTSD for more like.... 10?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I realize I didn't answer your question Rio I'm so sorry

I have been experiencing depression for about 20 years if you can believe it. PTSD for more like.... 10?
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I hope you find happiness Captain. I remember you posting the story about what caused your PTSD. I too suffer through similar problems , as life has dealt me the harsh ,insanity of my life style choice. I just hide it and have slowly, through much suffering, have learned to deal with it in a positive manner.

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is difficult. It took me years to come to terms with the death of my girlfriend, when she overdosed.

We care about and appreciate you here in Sober Living. For years, you were the pedestal that peoples recovery rested on. I miss Toothpastedog. Do you ever talk to him? You've done a lot of good in this world and you should be proud of yourself.

Gotta go to work but ❤
 
I haven't PM'd him in a while, or heard from him, I hope he's well.

Thank you everyone for wishing me well. I have had a good 1-2 days. Having some coffee, playing some video games. Enjoying myself. Trying to move on. Loss is very hard.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I haven't PM'd him in a while, or heard from him, I hope he's well.

Thank you everyone for wishing me well. I have had a good 1-2 days. Having some coffee, playing some video games. Enjoying myself. Trying to move on. Loss is very hard.
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Gotta love coffee. I was just having my liquid morning fix and listening to the desendants "coffee mug". It gets easier.

Have a good day Cap'n
 
Thanks. I know emotions come in waves, and to try to not remain in negative moods and how to avoid them etc. Acceptance is amazing and I'm working on that every day. Someone close to me (will remain anonymous) asked me "what that entails" and I tried to put it into words. It's really hard. Typing or speaking is just not enough but I try to convey it. If anyone wants me to "elaborate" let me know.

I should write a (fictional or non-fictional or both) book about acceptance.
 
SSRIs have been madly effective for my PTSD, i felt fobbed off when i was prescribed them but i'm glad i tried them cos the only other option i had left was heroin. but there's defo withdrawal from them. i forgot to take one once and by 1.30 in the afternoon my legs were fucking going like i was rattling (that has always been the one bit that has ruined my resolve). by about 4 i was acting like a complete lunatic and felt very odd.

its really weird cos i OD'd on SSRIs when I was 16 cos i knew fuck all about how to kill myself, and the odd feeling and legs going were reminiscent of that, you'd think it'd be the opposite. though not as bad. i couldn't walk for the jerking when i OD'd and that's when my mum realised something was up. i thought i'd just go to bed and not wake up and i was going to brush my teeth and she saw me failing to walk to the bathroom. she asked what was happening and i told her and begged her to just let me die. she somehow got me in the car to go to hospital and the next thing i remember i'm in an ambulance cos i'd gone unconscious and was in a very bad way. my poor fucking mum. i'm in tears writing this. i don't know why my brain went there. i'm glad she didn't let me die.
 
yeah when I was on an SSRI in the past, if I missed my dose within 6 hours of not taking it I would go through BAD physical/mental withdrawal.

It makes me wonder if I will always feel terrible if I don't succumb to some form of "physical dependency" to pharmacologically correct myself. I certainly hope not. I think BZD's are working much better for me w/o dependency. Will have to more forward carefully.
 
Hope you are doing well today Captain.Heroin.

I have been reading of your struggles and just wanted to offer my support.

❤️
 
I've had a relatively good few days. Been using medication as needed. Mostly focused on moving forward with life.

I cry less each day, and am more thankful to be alive as time goes on.
 
Currently jumped off 2mg Suboxone. Restless body, could not knock me out with Quentiapine and Ativan. Day time is a peace of cake. Come bedtime I’m so scared. Lucky I’m in inpatient otherwise it’s the evenings that have bitten me. I pray that it’ll be easier tonight.
 
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good luck opi! are you going to rehab after your detox? (over here detox and rehab facilities are often separate as detox is in hospital)

i'm settling into my new house though can't wait to get my bed cos i'm not sleeping too well and i'm sure not being comfortable isn't helping.

all my towels, which came straight from my old house where i was using to here, stink. i couldn't understand it at first cos i knew i did loads of laundry cos of how i was making money. then i remembered one of the worst days in my life. i don't know how long i'd been awake but i'd not slept the night before, and it started at 7am when i put some laundry in, and realised, i'd been using water softener as laundry detergent, and that's why my things had started to smell (i'd noticed this and not understood it since i was washing them). this guy i'd let stay over had used all mine and replaced it with an approximately similar box of not soap. then i managed to drop it on the floor, and drop my last pipe in with the white powder, so it was gone. then i accidentally texted my mum a rant about that instead of a friend.

then, i tried to rip a guy off cos i badly needed more money than he was gonna give me, and got nothing. then i went home, figured i should eat while i hadn't smoked for a bit so it was possible. managed to touch my eyes and face with chilli sauce on my hands and that killed for an hour. got 30 quid, went to score. was speeding down a hill on my bike thinking only about one thing, then saw a car coming up. braked, went over the handlebars, grazed myself badly and smashed my phone so couldn't score. got home. luckily someone knocked on me with a free sample of dark. borrowed his phone so i could try to make some money. arranged to make some money. his phone died 5 mins before the guy was gonna arrive, so made no money. called my best friend begging to borrow some money, he went on a massive rant at me about only calling when i want something. which was true. i got fed up of him ranting so just told him i didn't need his money i'd just go to get money in the red light district. at which point he transferred me the money, he didn't know i was prostituting myself anyway. then used the wrong card so i couldn't get the 30 quid, and thought it\d broken in my fall. frantically go round trying to find someone with a phone and bank card so i can get the money transferred and withdraw it. finally find someone after midnight. a direct debit has gone out and the £30 is gone. in desperation swap a whole strip of clonazepam for the tiniest pipe ever, then resign myself to not scoring and go to sleep.

i do not miss that life.
 
Still sober here. Im moving out of my sober living in the next week. I've been filling my time up with school (I graduate on Aug 8) going to domestic violence classes, yoga, and mountain biking. Yoga and mountain biking has really been my savior. It is keeping me mentally and physically in really good shape. So I've been sober for over 10 months now, quit smoking cigs. I still struggle with the smoking weed thing, but in reality I don't need to be puffing herb right now. I think what gets me is I know I can still smoke pot on felony probation in the state of CO. Im putting the weed thing on hold however until I get a year under my belt. Also im going to be buying a new (new to me) truck in the next couple weeks, which I am super fucking stoked about. I'm thinking 2012ish Toyota Tacoma, TRD Pro. With less than 100k mi, those things regularly run for 250kmi +. So yeah all is well in my neck of the woods.
 
I'm happy you're seeing better days, days like that sound exhausting so I'm glad you've come out the other side. I'm really proud of you, you are a lovely person and you're doing really well. Carry on chinup.

Your friend,
Ash.
 
That's awesome and I'm really proud of you, I hope you are equally as proud of yourself. Continue being kind and patient with yourself, you are doing great things.

your friend,
Ash.

hotfriesmmm said:
Still sober here. Im moving out of my sober living in the next week. I've been filling my time up with school (I graduate on Aug 8) going to domestic violence classes, yoga, and mountain biking. Yoga and mountain biking has really been my savior. It is keeping me mentally and physically in really good shape. So I've been sober for over 10 months now, quit smoking cigs. I still struggle with the smoking weed thing, but in reality I don't need to be puffing herb right now. I think what gets me is I know I can still smoke pot on felony probation in the state of CO. Im putting the weed thing on hold however until I get a year under my belt. Also im going to be buying a new (new to me) truck in the next couple weeks, which I am super fucking stoked about. I'm thinking 2012ish Toyota Tacoma, TRD Pro. With less than 100k mi, those things regularly run for 250kmi +. So yeah all is well in my neck of the woods.
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Like seriously I felt like shit for a whole year, and my ex was the kindest most patient guy in the world to put up with my toxic self during that period of my life. I'd sooner end my life than go through that hell again. I know that sounds extreme but that's the level of determination I have to stay off opiates/bupe for good. If they ever wanted to give it to me for surgery I would be very anxious and probably ask for propofol or xenon (Lol you know free health care won't cover high cost items like that) so if I "had to have" opiates for surgery I would just ask for a bunch of other goodies as rx's (bzd's, rx NSAIDs, muscle relaxers, maybe barbs) but def no opiates rx'd. I won't do it. It's a personal bane/hell.

Prolonged use of other hard drugs has *never ever* made me feel so terrible as SSRI's or opiates have. Literally. I will not go back there.
 
Sub withdraw is just drawn out. I could do a heroine kick with the right meds but not bupe
 
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