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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Distancing Talk Thread: Swirly Congregation That's 100% Pandemic-Proof

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Nah I legit don't like doing speed often
Yeah I always call sherdz speed that's what it is.
I can't put it back the way I could when I was younger. I'm cool with 2 or 3gs a month. For now I'm not doing any cause of no money which will change in a week or two, it won't go above that. All summer I coulda afforded to do that in a week and instead I stuck to a gram every week or so. I was saying Im not scared to die and that's the worst that could happen.
Like I said bro I don't have shit to lose. Why you think I've only relatively recently started doing speed again? I stopped from like August to November or december. I just stopped. It really isn't super addictive if you take out instant gratification which I my situation there is none cause I can't just make a call and get speed.
I'm cool don't worry about me. I'm just out about being a speed freak from now on is basically it including when I hit the club cause fuck those people if they think some shit bout it cause it's funny. Shit makes me act and all that like a pothead when I'm with people?????
It's funny when I'm tweaking people think I'm rolling cause I get mad chill but that's when I go out
But on to other shit I should be able to afford tabs to stash when I get paid next week on top of what I was already gonna get so that's nice.
In non speed related shit
I really don't wanna Miss calyx and teebee in May and tabs will make it more epic. I think calyx and teebee would be better than Ed rush and optical. I can't afford to go to the penguin game during the playoffs though most likely which is a buzzkill cause last year the first round game I went to was fuckin epic. And I'm actually working on getting my license back and hopefully with a little help next time I hit DC I'll drive myself down
 
Help?!?! said:
Its all up to you at the of the day. Honestly though you sound kinda scared. You let others control you via their opinion. There's a difference between giving no fucks in a good way and not giving any fucks in a bad way. I didn't have much to lose at one time. I still don't have much to lose but who cares really. The difference is I lose myself or the people I care for. That's what is not worth losing. Places? Who cares really. Items? Who cares really. Jobs? Even that's not that important. I'm not judging you man. What you do is up to you. I just wish I could've had someone to help me see the light before I almost saw eternal darkness. Some people need to learn themselves. There's always something to lose. If there wasn't why are you still here? Why not just off yourself? Cause you want to do drugs and listen to music? That seems like nonsense to me. Life truly is not important. Not mine, not yours. Unless you ascribe importance too it yourself. Once again we're just infantile blips on a huge huge map. Whether we live or die makes no difference. If you had something to do here you'd be doing it and if it was something that was going to happen in the future but you died then it was never meant to happen anyways right? Life has no purpose except what you give it. Its cool though man. You keep calling it speed but your doing meth. Something that releases something like 500 times the normal dopamine level. You think that has no consequences? So you only do it a couple times a month even though you said "for now" which made it seem like its going to increase. When your on drugs it can be hard to see their effects until you've sobered up. You once used a ton of meth from what I remember. Its the same cycle of any addict(not saying your an addict but...). Get clean, do good, think you can use a small amount at first, move to more and more. A lot of us here have been through it. Scared to die? Big deal. Death is just another beginning most likely another beginning of moving to the next phase. Suffer to get there? Big deal. People suffer everyday. I've come as close to dying as you can basically without actually biting it. I was not scared. I was excited moreover. You've gotta chose though. You. Not me. Not anyone else. Its your life. Once again man no judgements. I'm a real fuck up. I've done far worse then use every once in awhile. I also didn't steal, lie, or cheat. That didn't make it okay for me though. Instead of killing myself slowly hiding away I should've just got it over with. That's how I used to think sometimes anyways. I still don't exactly want live but I'm here so why not. Life isn't all fun and games. Sometimes you do very little to nothing to have undeserving things befall you. Acceptance and forgiveness is some of the strongest drugs around though. Living in the moment. Mindfulness. Meditation. Forgiving but not forgetting the reasons I had to learn certain lessons. There's a lot that can make it easier. These words aren't even so much specifically for you Llama. There for anyone who might be able to find truth and a bit of help from them even if its only me from my experiences. Just take care man. Sometimes others can see the things you can't. That doesn't even mean there is anything to see really its just an interesting fact to note....
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Truth...

Man you guys, I'm struggling. Emotionally I mean. It's really hard being with someone who is depressed. I'm so frustrated about it, it's starting to feel like it's eating me up inside. Hanging out with her has been super boring lately too because she moved to a place with no Internet, and she doesn't really want to do anything except sit there thinking obsessively negative thoughts and watching videos about taking care of orchids. And I fucking hate being bored, it's the worst. And left to my own devices I am hardly ever bored. And to top it off I'm getting pretty sexually frustrated too because she hardly ever wants to have sex since she feels so bad and my desire for it has basically not changed at all. She'll throw me a bone sometimes but what I really want is for her to want to and for us both to be really into it, like it used to be. She used to really be bothered by her sex drive reducing until recently, but these days I'm not even sure if she is. Like last night I was feeling really horny, and still was this morning, and I had a sex dream about her too. Then in the morning when she was very clearly uninterested, I started feeling really frustrated and couldn't really hide it after a while. So I told her why, kinda hoping she'd realize how frustrated I was feeling without me saying it, and she was like, sorry, you should do something about it yourself then (getting off isn't even the point, it's the activity of sex, the closeness and bonding of it). And then she told me she was about to get her period, so basically that means no sex for like another week. It bums me out because back in the day when she was about to get her period she would be like, dude we need to have lots of sex right now because we won't be able to for a few days. She'd wake me up in the middle of the night because she was horny. And then until recently she would start crying because she really wished she could be horny because she misses feeling that closeness, but she just couldn't. It makes me feel shallow to be so bothered by this, but it bothers me a lot, it makes me feel a pretty deep sense of loss to be honest. If it was the only thing I don't think it would bother me as much, but it's just like, everything. She seems like a shell of her former self most of the time. :( And she just doesn't do anything about it...

I really, really miss how things used to be. A fucking lot. I didn't used to feel this way about her at all... It really hurts. We used to have lots of fun together, and have lots of sex, and talk about interesting things all the time, and go on adventures. I used to feel a lot closer to her but there is like this sort of distance growing now, and I think it's because of protracted frustration. I'm not sure whether she feels less close to me or not. I am almost mourning it, except that I am holding out hope that she will be able to figure things out and get back to feeling better. I realized this morning that every time I've hung out with her the past few weeks, I've gotten knocked off whatever good flow I was on and started feeling really bad/anxious/angry/depressed, and then guilty for feeling the anger part of it. She treats me unfailingly well, I would just break up with her if she was treating me badly. But she's not. She's this poor, sad, hurt girl who I love and who loves me and really relies on me a lot actually, emotionally. I'm just so upset/frustrated about it. I don't know what to do. It's like a rollercoaster lately, I'll have a couple of days of hanging out with my friends/doing band stuff, and I'll start feeling great again, really positive, inspired, at peace. And then I'll hang out with my girl, and I'll really try hard to spread that feeling to her/maintain it for myself, but within a few hours, I'm feeling like this again because she's so apathetic and negative.

I really, really do not want to break up with her. I really want her to be able to get happy again. If she was happy again, everything would be great and I would literally have no complaints about our relationship at all. But this is a big one... what if she never gets happy again? I don't know when to draw the line. And in the meantime it fucking hurts, bad. I mean some days it's better than other days. And we'll start to be able to hike and camp a lot more really soon which is our favorite thing to do together anyway and it's also the time when both of us feel the most peaceful and happy anyway, when we're in nature. Also my recent rather extended stimulant abuse and subsequent picking up of a light phenibut dependence again don't help me at all. But the fact is that she has PTSD from her childhood and an unresolved relationship with her dad, and a growing sense of worthlessness/disempowerment from it, and until she deals with that, any time she's happy, it's just because she's briefly forgotten about that stuff. And this is on top of dealing with my dad's imminent death/suffering, and my mom's suffering... and suspecting one of my oldest friends may have killed himself* but not being able to find out... I guess this is an opportunity to get stronger, but fuck man, it's been the most difficult emotional situation I've ever been in, for quite a while now, between my dad and everything else, and it feels like it just keeps getting worse. And there's no resolution nor do I have any power to change things about this, it's so much different from my opiate addiction and previous pain in my life. That stuff was under my control because it was my problems. Stopping loving these people is not an option, I can't do that nor do I want to. So there's nothing I can do because peoples' pain is their own to work through.

My own life, independent of the people I care about who are hurting, is great, I'm really happy with it, I'm doing the things I love, and I have great, positive, happy friends who I love and who love me, and I'm financially stable and have what I need without destroying myself in some job I hate. But I guess I have too much empathy because I can't not be affected by this stuff. The worst thing has become my relationship though, I'm just scared and sad and frustrated because I'm watching her really slowly implode I feel like... which is what I did with my ex for 12 years, watched her have a long, slow mental breakdown. Of course, she was a fucking crazy bitch to me so when it ended finally I was overjoyed. Plus she knocked down my self-esteem so badly and was really manipulative and abusive and controlling. They're really not comparable, I feel bad for even bringing them up in comparison to each other. But she did dramatically implode and I watched and dealt with that for so long, and it was horrible. And I'm really scared that's gonna happen again. I learned my lessons from the last one, but that was to never accept someone abusing or controlling me. But what's so confusing is that my girlfriend doesn't do either of those things in the slightest. She's a really good woman. And that makes it even worse to see this happening to her, and it makes me want to support her, but the frustration I feel about it is really hard to not start accumulating against her, and she doesn't deserve for me to be mad at her for it. If I break up with her it's going to be me abandoning her in her worst need. And I don't want to. I just want her to find herself. I want it so bad. I really fucking miss that girl. :|

*This is not the methy friend, but a different one... fortunately that friend finally got help and is in rehab and living with his parents, so at least one person I love is getting better.
 
Damn Xork, I hope you're okay. I don't think I have too much advice right now but I really relate. I moved my girl and I across the country to set us both up better for the future, financially and whatnot. She turned out to hate the city and got deeply depressed. She could pretty much only talk about the things she disliked about the city, the transit, the weather, not having friends here. Of course anytime I suggested we go out to try to make friends she wasn't up for it. Maybe I should have tried harder to push her to go out but I don't like forcing people to do things they don't want. Her sex drive was already low but it dropped to non-existent over the next few months, I probably haven't had sex since around sep/oct :/. And I totally get you in how it feels like such a insignificant thing to complain about, but really without physical intimacy it feels more like friendship, and that's not all I need from a partner. Often I'd have a great day at work and pal around with my coworkers but the mood would just drop when she came home. You try to be lighthearted and try to joke around and try to cheer her up every goddamn way you know how and it just doesn't work and it feels so fucking defeating.

So after a few months of misery she got an opportunity to move back where we had come from and I said she should take it if that's what she needs to make her happy. So off she went. It was the right thing to do, telling her to go, but it really hurt. I told her I didn't want a long-distance relationship and thought that would mean that her leaving would mean us breaking up. But then she left and kept talking as if we were together so somehow I fell into an LDR which everyone knows are unsustainable except her apparently.

What a shitty position to be stuck in. I was supportive as possible for the first month or two but it wore me down and eventually I had to express to her just how much I was struggling with everything. I mean drugs help but they only get you so far when you're not abusing them. I was telling her I'd move back too so we could be together, but then she told me she had accepted money from her parents to get an apartment there... despite the fact that in the past her parents (fairly traditional middle eastern family) giving her things has meant that she owes them for it in other ways. All that to say that I couldn't move in with her, it would cause her too much guilt with her parents according to her, which obviously I wouldn't want to impose. So, fine, I'll move into my own apartment right? Wrong, turns out she's planning on leaving in a month or two to go to the middle east to sign some documents, gonna be a three month deal and she's going to travel to Europe in between signings (paperwork takes a long time there apparently). Add to that how she "can't let me do something so generous" because it would make her feel that much more guilt about making me go through BS. Now if I didn't know better I'd have thought she was with someone new, I'm not an idiot.

But then I ask if I can go with her, which she agrees to and is excited about. We start planning the trip and everything is ok (considering) for a few days.

Well then she goes to see her therapist (awesome, totally support that) who tells her that she clearly doesn't know what she wants for herself and is just acting based off the guilt she feels for her parents and me. Ok, that's pretty true. So she comes back to me and admits she's not sure what she wants. So she's going to take some time to think about it, which I think is good, but apparently that includes being in a romantic relationship. Woah. So after 3.5 years suddenly you're not sure you want to be together? or rather even in a relationship at all? Well ok, I mean thanks for being candid at least, I agreed that I shouldn't continue to wait around if it's likely or possible she'll want to break up, that's just overtly stringing me along. Doesn't matter that the last three months now feel like I was strung along too I guess..

So that was Monday night, I'm still pretty much in shock, all my plans for the future have fallen apart. The silver lining is that it's illuminating how little I've been focusing on myself and what's best for me in favour of what she needs. Like I've been working this job to make money so we can travel together. Fuck I should have been concentrating more seriously on my career, or gone back to school. Now I'm too distraught to do anything. I'm thinking of doing Europe anyway but I'm just so lost. I don't know where to live, I don't really like this city either, but I had valid reasons for moving out of my old city. There's no draw for me anywhere else so I just don't know. I'm not happy with almost anything in my life right now and it's tough staying optimistic.

I'm happy to hear about your methy friend though, I was just reading those posts and hearing that reminds me that even when things look bleak there's still hope. So thank you for that. Sending you all the positive vibes I can muster
 
Wow man, that sucks, you're right that's a really shitty situation. :( Makes me feel better about my situation actually. So did taking a break from work, and thinking, and playing some piano just now. I recorded it too, I haven't in a while.

Honestly traveling the world is really a therapeutic and awesome thing. I'm thankful for my great job, but it's salary and I get 20 days of vacation a year and I spend most of it on visiting my parents since my dad is not gonna be around a lot longer. The vacation is paid since it's a salary position but I can't take more. My girl loves traveling too, and I really love traveling with her, and it would be so cool to head off somewhere for months. I can't though, because I have a mortgage and shit and I can't quit my job or even suspend my pay, if that were even an option.

Seems like the grass is always greener, I wish we didn't have that complex, but I guess it's part of what makes us human.
 
Hey, if it makes you feel any better then I'm glad I posted. I'm not usually one to be so forthright with my personal affairs but it was nice to get out.

That makes me appreciate that I'm only on contract at my job, and I was planning on quitting anyway for travelling. I feel like I would be a bit lost right now if I just up and quit so I think I need a plan first. Guess I'm lucky I'm still relatively young and not settled yet, I was probably headed for that a bit too quickly.
 
Yeah having a plan is good. I feel pretty young but I'm almost 35 and I definitely have my life pretty set up. I wish I had done more traveling while I could. I mean I still can, but it'll be a long time until I can just up and go, unless in a few years my blockchain investments explode.

I finally got that piano playing I did earlier today uploaded to Soundcloud, figured I'd post it: https://soundcloud.com/user-636222547/piano-improv-4-6-18
 
xorkoth, as far as your relationship is concerned it would only be a bit of a bandaid, but i think you need to cut out the stimulants compadre. it would at least reduce your sex drive and help with frustration that way. she's a very empathetic person too, perhaps she'd be able to reciprocate more often if the emotions coming from you were a bit more natural.
 
Sorry to hear everyone is doing so bad :(. I felt like shit most of this week but I finally managed to get some sleep and I'm past acute withdrawal. I've spend all week forcing myself to work; house is spotless and I've stacked and burned so many dead trees this week. It was rough the first few days but now I'm enjoying it so much. Also managed to actually gain weight somehow. Up 20 pounds compared to a few months ago. Haven't been north of 140 in years.

Finally started getting out and begin social the last couple of days after a week in the house and it really improved my mood. I also put about 600 rounds of ammo down range this week between my two rifles and pistol. Need to get my .22 rifle back in working order because shooting all this 5.56 and .30 Carbine is going to cause me to go poor really quick. :) I'll probably get my Grandfather's M1 Garand greased up and shoot up some of his ammo. I have buckets of surplus ammo for that gun and a lot of them are tracer rounds. Might start a bonfire with it just for shits and giggles.

Today was a happy day, came home with a good amount of MDA and L. Can't wait to catch a day when I can take it. I usually drop between the 16th-19th every year for a handful of reasons, can't wait to try this new batch of liquid and see where it takes me. In my family we have four birthdays fall on that week. Shame I'm the only one that likes L. At least I never forget that certain family members birthday because it falls on Bicycle day. :D Mine is coming up too...getting on into my mid-30s now. Thought I'd be way further along now.

If it's any help to you Xor I have all that freedom you desire and I'm bummed about it. Funny how people get depressed no matter what their current life situation is. I feel like a big dumbass sometimes because I'm seeking what a lot of my friends are unhappy about begin in. It gets tiring begin the single friend though. Plus, I never really cared for sharing a house or bed with other people. Never can sleep when I share a room with someone else be it friends or my woman. Even the cat will keep me up all night if I don't put him out of the bedroom.

I'm a little wonky tonight. Think I got a microdose while I was handling those fun chemicals this afternoon. My buddy kept pulling out bags of goodies and I can't resist taking too close of a look. Should have washed my hands. :D
 
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N2oxious said:
Hey, if it makes you feel any better then I'm glad I posted. I'm not usually one to be so forthright with my personal affairs but it was nice to get out.

That makes me appreciate that I'm only on contract at my job, and I was planning on quitting anyway for travelling. I feel like I would be a bit lost right now if I just up and quit so I think I need a plan first. Guess I'm lucky I'm still relatively young and not settled yet, I was probably headed for that a bit too quickly.
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That's the beautiful thing about the PD social! We share candidly and from the heart with little fear of judgement. Only heartfelt constructive criticism and advice!<3 I've shared things here I rarely talk about IRL here. Its good to have outlets like this. <3



Xorkoth said:
Truth...
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Thank God for validation! I thought I was spouting my own personal nonsensical nonsense again...!;) Xor man honestly you seem like her best help for your girl. She's clearly hiding from her issues. Been there. It just gets worse and worse until you either end it yourself or try to fix it. Not saying she'll do the former of course but that's normally how it goes or your physical health declines dangerously because of the mindstate. They go hand in hand indeed. How is the hard part. I know its rough but I think sometimes you have to just be real. I have a friend with BP. He gets off his meds sometimes when he's heavily using. The two drive him insane. If he's not using its fine but if he is its only a matter of time. He'll begin breaking everything during freak outs, harm himself, then ball his eyes out in frustration and depression for what he did. It came to the point one of my childhood best friend and I had to say "Listen man we love you death but we're not in good places either. It breaks my heart to pieces, shatters it to see you do this to yourself over and over again. Then you begin to take the problems out on me... You need help and I can't drown with you. I fucking love you but I'm here to help but I just can't drown with you....". He got the idea. I hated it because he would still try to come around but just freak out because I told him "I can't watch you self destruct like this please man can you just go?". He'd try to get me to fight him but I just em I'd physically remove him myself not fight him. One time he broke a window in the stairway in the apartment building. The cops almost got called. He's lucky my neighbor knows him. A while after that he started freaking out outside the building. Cops came and he ran into his. I went down and talked to the police. Told them he was unstable and really needed psychological help. He got it. He was better. Now the cycle continues. I hate it man. He's such a good guy when he's not using. He still is if he's on meds and its not to bad. Otherwise it just spirals out. I won't lie to his face though. I don't lie anymore really. I hate it. If you don't like what I have to say oh well I need to say it. I expect nothing less from others. He told me he appreciated my honesty greatly when he came back last time and thanked us for getting him the help he needed but couldn't give himself. Sometimes people need to hear how it is. How you feel. It'll hurt you both. I'd rather be hurt a million times over then lied too. Its disrespectful IMO. Love, real love is being able to freely express your feelings as they are. You don't have to be mean just bare your soul. Tell her you can't see a future if it stays like this but all you want so much is a future with her! Tell her she needs to try to get help. Tell her not to do it strictly for herself(its hard to imagine crawling out of the hole you've been thrown in for yourself sometimes when your so far down...)but do it for you too. Tell her you just want effort. Tell her you love her so much its killing you inside and your heart is breaking. Tell her your not saying this to make her feel bad but to let her see your pain that that is how much you love her and how close you are! Try. Try or let it die. It goes for both you in a sense as it pertains to your relationship. I love you brother stay strong and try to keep your head up!<3
 
Xorkoth said:
Yeah having a plan is good. I feel pretty young but I'm almost 35 and I definitely have my life pretty set up. I wish I had done more traveling while I could. I mean I still can, but it'll be a long time until I can just up and go, unless in a few years my blockchain investments explode.

I finally got that piano playing I did earlier today uploaded to Soundcloud, figured I'd post it: https://soundcloud.com/user-636222547/piano-improv-4-6-18
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I'm listening to this now. Mellowing out after a great 100ug lsd (just 1) trip that really knocked me for a doozy. (like usual)

I like hearing all of the ambient sounds in the recording as well. My dog and I are eating buttered peas.
 
i want some butter chicken
you ever have butter chicken
its the shit if you havent get some
make it yourself its super easy to make long as you aren't making the sauce yourself and you just use the premade/jar sauce.
i need about a pound of boneless chicken breasts and i'd get tikka masala going in a skillet right now. ive had the sauce sitting around for a minute
i'm bored. hopefully it wont be too long a night.
nothing is on TV and nighttime is the only time i watch tv. well i keep it on in the background anyway
i'll probably watch the 2nd episode of ken burns civil war tonight as long as i can find it. the whole miniseries used to be on youtube but apparently PBS had them taken down
the whole concept of having to "pirate" PBS is fucking ridiculous
i can watch so much mind numbing shit for free easy no problem but actually watching something worthwhile to society can be difficult if its older
i've been watching southern justice and kentucky justice on youtube though.
its for real like a real life version of when south park did that episode about PBR and the TV show White Trash and In Trouble or whatever where they arrest hillbillies and make them say "i'm white trash and i'm in trouble"
 
Yeah butter chicken, it's basically a version of chicken tikki masala. One of my favorite things, I used to make it (including making the sauce) pretty often.

Thanks Help. <3 Had a good couple of days. Today I was going to go river hiking with my friend but it got below freezing last night so they closed the Parkway... so I think we're gonna go to this other place instead and do a regular hike, in a little while.
 
Coincidentally i happen to have butter chicken to try for my first time :)

Shout out to all you swirldogs
 
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