• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Parenting and addiction

R

rebelmania

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 10, 2017
Messages
75
Location
Sweden
I am 31 and a parent to a daughter who's 13 this year, a sensitive age. The last year my addiction became obvious, it has been totally under the radar before and I only took small amounts of opiates, what I was prescribed. I was getting ill in depression again in November -16 and started taking benzos cause I just wanted to last a while longer. It did not work and I came to my job after 10 tablets of midazolam. Been on sick leave since. My daughter has lived with my sister since then while I have been in and out from treatment facilities and psych wards, last time I spent two months at psych for a drug psychosis.

As would be expected we have lost that natural connection we used to have and when we meet it's a bit forced. If my sister is with us she only talks with my sister and doesn't even look at me, doesn't know how to behave. I have been home since christmas now and have besides some psychedelics not taken any benzos which is a record. I don't want to let her down, I love her so much, it's like the drugs become more important. I want her to come home again.

Are there any other parents who would like to share their experience? I feel so lonely with this.

Rebel
 
Last edited:
I think I should write a lot about this issue some day soon as I have double diagnosis but still am a weekend parent and first few years of my daughter’s life I had full blown opiate addiction (not just some pills but 250mg oxy at once) and I did take care of her during the days when my ex-wife worked. When the social services got hint of our situation after I asked for help from professionals for my drug habit they were freaking surprised that my daughter was doing well and still does.

We have a good relationship and I don’t know if my drug use has had much effect on her as she does everything other kids at her age do but one of the parents just happen to have a drug problem and minor mental health issues.

I am quite confident that after your acute problems have been dealt with you will be able to have that same connection as you used to and meetings don’t feel forced.
 
What diagnosis you got? I have double diagnosis too, emotionally unstable personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Thank you for sharing. Nice to see a finn, I'm a routsinsuomalainen myself.
 
At 13 your daughter is still going to be very much self-centered--that is just a developmental reality. She is no doubt frightened by what little information she has as well as worrying about how this makes her different from her friends. Again, this is not to say your daughter is either shallow or uncaring, it is simply where we all are at her age to a certain degree. But having said that I do believe that a 13 year old is also very capable of feeling quite deep empathy for the suffering of others. Has anyone (not your sister but a counselor or psychologist) talked to her in an age-specific way about your situation? Children often feel unloved when in fact their parents--like you--love them more than anything; in addiction this is really true. The child sees that you are "choosing" drugs over him or her but you and I know that "choosing" is rarely what it feels like.

I agree with Mr Root that your path forward is to deal with both your mental health issues and substance abuse--they go hand in hand so often. Doing psychedelics right now sounds really dangerous but what was your experience on them? Are you prescribed anything for the bipolar? What does your bipolar experience look like--both mania and depression or more of one or the other? You had your daughter at a very young age and you have had to concentrate on being a mother when many of us were concentrating on just growing up ourselves. Congratulations on all the years you have been doing a good job--do not fall prey to feeling like a failure as a parent. Every parent is a human being, fallible and coming into the role with their own issues and problems. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. I remember letting go of every single issue I had ever had with my mother and father the minute they put that perfect little baby boy in my arms because I felt so inadequate to the task!

Have you ever considered trying to write something to your daughter? Speaking to her on supervised visits sounds really difficult and I can understand why they would feel awkward and strained. Writing your feelings and some of what you are struggling with as well as validating how this is causing her own struggles might be a good thing to do. You'll have to weigh that yourself as I don't know how that would feel to you. I know many, many parents that have struggled with addiction and the underlying mental health issues that often feed addiction and I have seen many different outcomes with their children. The best outcomes happen when there is sincere and clear communication.

I'm glad that you started this thread and I bet that over time we will be hearing from quite a few members. <3
 
Yes it's such an age, I remember being her age and before my father was diagnosed with fatal cancer and died a few months later. It does make me scared of dying because I knew what damage it did to me, with all my diagnoses and my addiction started with drinking after he died, when I was 14. My daughter doesn't have a father around and never has had one. I'm it which makes it even more important to get better. It's sound advice regarding a counselor, so far only me and my sister have been explaining. We haven't (or at least I haven't) spoken to her about the addiction though, only about my depression. I should ask my sister how she's talked about it, if she has. I do remember how scary it was getting a baby in my arms, I did understand my mother more after it though.

I have had a good experience on the psychedelics, though only mushrooms that made me introspective, the other was just fun. I mostly have depressions and I'm on lamictal, buprupion, clomipramine, haloperidol for the bipolar/psychotic symptoms. I actually managed to finish college and get a university degree + held a job after having her, so I did manage quite alot with my mental health issues and being a single mom (ok now I'm embarrased, giving myself credit without feeling like a liar is impossible). I did have periods of a half a year/a year inbetween things on sick leave due to the mental issues.

My sister and daughter came to visit like 3 weeks ago when I was in horrible shape and daughter not wanting to talk to me made me feel the worst I had felt in a long time so I asked them to leave (I wish I could act more mature when I'm in bad shape), sister got angry and sat us two down in the kitchen and went away, so both me and daughter sat there crying and we had a wonderful talk. It did clear the air and stuff has felt much better since, daughter has slept a few nights at home and we have been to the cinema and watching movies together. I wish I wasn't an addict and that it was as easy as my family thinks - "Just quit" while also saying "I will not forgive you if it happens again". The pressure is real! I might get sectioned if I give a positive test result again so I need to stay away from the benzos especially, they are the worst for me since I can't just take one, more like 150 mg Midazolam without tolerance, never ends well. Had the police at home twice due to that, not that I remember. Heh.

I'm glad you responded and really hope others will join!
 
I'm with herbivore, you should talk to her about it, I'm not saying tell everything. Just enough so that she understands, I used to date a woman who had 3 kids, we were both deep into an addiction, her oldest son knew we were addicts. He was also 13, he was very anti drug, and honestly I think that was due to his mom and I being semi open about our use and him knowing how sick we were, but that we still loved he and his brothers.
 
Hi there fellow finn.

I am also diagnosed with bipolar (type II) but I haven’t had any major episodes for years after we found out right combination of treatment. Sometimes I had been a bit hypomaniac but it has stopped as soon as I have regained my sleeping patterns and sometimes a bit on the depressive side but nothing that couldn’t been dealt with some minor changes to medications.

I was so used to having bipolar disorder that I didn’t even notice it myself until I first time went to see psychiatrist for PTSD symptoms (caused by some experiences while I was peacekeeper in Afghanistan) and they started to treat me as a whole.

I can honestly say that I am not sure if I could have managed to be a single dad as I guess that would have been too much but this current arrangement allows me to be a caring father to my daughter.
 
Thanks bptubbs, I will give it a go next time she's here - ask her and see how much she already knows and fill in the blanks. She's so introverted (like her mom) it can be a bit hard getting her to talk.

It's great you can be there for your daughter MrRoot, what treatment are you getting for your bipolar?
 
Yeah I am lucky to have enough energy to be there for my daughter.

I am on Abilify and use Cymbalta if depression arises but I am quite sure that the most efficient treatment has been various therapies I have received and I did three years of CBT and currently I am attending DBT for both bi-polar and addiction.
 
rebelmania said:
Yes it's such an age, I remember being her age and before my father was diagnosed with fatal cancer and died a few months later. It does make me scared of dying because I knew what damage it did to me, with all my diagnoses and my addiction started with drinking after he died, when I was 14.
Click to expand...

Wow--that is a lot to deal with at such an early age. I'm very sorry.

I have had a good experience on the psychedelics, though only mushrooms that made me introspective, the other was just fun. I mostly have depressions and I'm on lamictal, buprupion, clomipramine, haloperidol for the bipolar/psychotic symptoms. I actually managed to finish college and get a university degree + held a job after having her, so I did manage quite alot with my mental health issues and being a single mom (ok now I'm embarrased, giving myself credit without feeling like a liar is impossible). I did have periods of a half a year/a year inbetween things on sick leave due to the mental issues.
Click to expand...

Even though I am a big believer in the healing power of psychedelics, I do also believe that sometimes the best thing for our brains is simply to let them be. You are going through such a tough time right now. As far as being embarrassed about giving yourself credit....you should be giving yourself credit! To be a single mom at 17, learning to navigate bipolar, getting a university degree and going to work is phenomenal and I doubt I could have done that. So many times we are taught that to be modest is to downplay outr strengths and to recognize our own strengths is arrogant. This is so backwards and really can be detrimental. If you can see how strong you have been at very difficult times in life it will bolster your faith in your abilities.<3

My sister and daughter came to visit like 3 weeks ago when I was in horrible shape and daughter not wanting to talk to me made me feel the worst I had felt in a long time so I asked them to leave (I wish I could act more mature when I'm in bad shape), sister got angry and sat us two down in the kitchen and went away, so both me and daughter sat there crying and we had a wonderful talk. It did clear the air and stuff has felt much better since, daughter has slept a few nights at home and we have been to the cinema and watching movies together. I wish I wasn't an addict and that it was as easy as my family thinks - "Just quit" while also saying "I will not forgive you if it happens again". The pressure is real! I might get sectioned if I give a positive test result again so I need to stay away from the benzos especially, they are the worst for me since I can't just take one, more like 150 mg Midazolam without tolerance, never ends well. Had the police at home twice due to that, not that I remember. Heh.

I'm glad you responded and really hope others will join!
Click to expand...

It's wonderful that you and your daughter were able to push past the initial intensity of the emotions and have a good talk! Also, I think your sister sounds like she has some good instincts.;) Maybe you could get some information on addiction or drug dependence that could help your family see that statements like "just quit" and especially, "we will never forgive you if it happens again" are very counterproductive. I am the parent of a son that had an addiction. I needed education myself. I'm sure that I made many ignorant statements but the education I got from everything from the internet to al-anon to smart recovery sites not only helped me support my son but gave me support for what I was going through myself.

Are benzos (midazolam) your main addiction?
 
Benzos became my main addiction, after I quit the opiates. So it's them I long for all the time, but they have been the most destructive since I take so much of them - have no stop button. I'm glad you got knowledge of how to support your son and yourself. Thank you for the encouragement!
 
So I am a 24 year old mother of two girls ages 6 and 8. I was recently clean for 3+ years from a meth addiction. On 12/ 31 / 17 I relapsed. I have yet to be one whole day sober. I redose myself about every 5 to 6 hours or if it's a work day every 8.
I was able to quit cold turkey last time because my parent found out about my addiction a d put their foot down. WE wasn't so bad. I got put on Prozac and it obviously helped for a time.
This time is different. My addiction has sunk her claws into me and I am having the hardest time breaking away. Even for the sake of my girls.
I consider myself a " functional " addict as I am currently holding down a full time, above minimum wage job, my house is clean ( for obvious reasons ) my kids do extra curricular activities and because my parents moved across country, I have gotten away with no one questioning my sobriety.
I seriously have cried my eyes out while smoking. I have a lot of self hatred. No matter what I try telling myself I can't put my addiction behind the people I love and care about.
Because I feel like I can't call my parents ( how are they going to help across the country ) I tried reaching out to my therapist.
That didn't go over well. She told me in cases where a parent is an active addict DHS / CPS is called. Usually resulting in the children being taken away. I feel like I can't seek help from her as my goal is to KEEP my kids. I have tried AA/ NA and I don't know if it's just my city...but I got more hook ups through those programs than I did sobriety advice. So I feel as if that isn't an option either.
I feel so trapped and loss. I would also like to point out that yes, my boyfriend is also using. And I am already prepared to leave him if it comes to that. Also another reason to feel like such a crappy mother... how can I know the right decision is to leave him but I can't choose my kids over my addiction? I would also like to give background on the boyfriend subject as I don't want there to be confusion. He and I got sober together. I was talking one day about how something had triggered a memory of when we use to smoke, to which he asked if I would ever use again. I told him I fight my addiction every day and sometimes, especially when I am super stressed out I miss the detached feeling smoking gave me from the situations we face as a young couple with two kids. He told me give him until 2am and we would party. At first I was like NO! but it was new years eve, we had been clean for so long and I was feeling so down and depressed. We said it was going to be a one night party.... after the first 2 hits I knew I was in trouble. I felt so free. My kids were staying at their bio dad's... the house was ours for 3 days.... one night quickly became almost a month now... we basically enabled ourselves into relapse. I knew I shouldn't of done it. But I don't really have a reason for saying yes.... anything other than telling you I missed the highes, and the energy and focus it gave me would be not only a lie but an excuse.
So here I am. Looking for a safe, supportive, and much needed place to connect to people. Hear them out. Listen to their stories and hopefully find the strength to get clean again.
I need to make a choice soon though. My luck isn't going to hold forever. Eventually karma will come for me and I will lose everything.
I know a lot of this is on me. Mind over matter. And with a recent diagnosis of diabetes, my situation is getting even more dire. I have to find the strength to get clean before I either end up dead or without the most important people in my life.
 
It tears my heart apart to hear the longing in your voice to be free of addiction. It seems that you have to start with your boyfriend. Maybe you do not have to leave him and maybe you do but you will never know until you lay it all out and get him to either commit to quitting with you again or leaving so that you stand a chance to do it alone. He does not have the same motivation you do with your daughters even though he may be a very loving step-father.

Once you have taken the huge step to choose getting meth out of your life for good all the other steps to make that happen will be clearer. One of the worst things that happens is the shame and guilt trap. The more you berate yourself as weak and selfish the more you need the trusted escape from those feelings. It is crucial that you get to those feelings and turn them around by using language that supports and encourages you rather than language that undermines your efforts and convinces you that you are not capable. You'd be surprised at how changing the mental self-talk can open up reserves of strength you didn't even know you have.

I do not think an addict is "choosing" drugs over their kids. Choice loses its meaning when it is a compulsion with both a physical and psychological aspect.

I wonder if there might be any specific meetings for parents where you live? Your therapist sounds unhelpful at this point, though she is required by law to report anything that she hears that may be child endangerment so maybe she was just covering her bases and letting you know that. It is really important to have therapeutic support so see what your city has available. Sometimes there are little gems hidden away in the bureaucracies that can change lives. My son, jaded by endless court mandated programs, was very skeptical and resentful of having to pay to go to another one until he met the guy running it. The guy had been a heroin addict, mostly in prison for 25 years. He taught my son that addiction was not his problem, his own brain chatter was and he taught him about meditation and other techniques to change the traps my son struggled with inside. So you never know when something is going to actually click within the big uncaring system itself.

With meth there is always going to be the allure of having so much energy. You have to start to tell yourself that productivity (at work and at home) is not at the top of the list. Being there for your children, teaching them by how you live your life how to live theirs, being free to explore new ways of being yourself--these are the things that should top your list. Children observe so carefully every aspect of their parents lives. They always see way more than you think they do. I know it helped me to be a better person a lot of times when I just reminded myself that my kids were watching. What did I want them to see? Maybe it would even be useful for you to imagine how you would support and help one of your daughters if she were in your position? What would you advise her to do? What would you say to help her achieve her goals? Then do that for yourself.<3
 
Thank you so much again for your support. I really find this place a safe haven, and it is helping me... slowly.. as I guess my brain just cannot process that meth is killing me not making me happier.
I keep reading everyone's stories and it gives me hope. Google is a wonderful tool I will put to use.. hopefully NA and AA has changed with in the last 3 years to be more productive.. I really should give it a 2nd chance. It just shocked me that there was more dealing then healing at the last one I attended. Deep breaths.. a serious talk with my boyfriend is happening already tonight.. because he wants to get clean too.. he is in a boat that looks a lot like mine. Hopefully it won't come to it, but like I said I will leave if I have to.
 
@iwanttobefree

I am in such a similar position to you I?ll message you later, I?m trying to set up a plan to beat this at the moment. Maybe we can help each other out.
 
Iwanttobefree, even you getting online and telling us about it is a strong step, you write so sincerely. I do hope you can get some assistance that won't endanger you having your children. My daughter lives with my sister since a year back and that was at least the better option of the ones I had.
 
We all have our peaks and valleys. But, if you truly want a better life for your daughter then you're going to have to get sober. Teens are really the most developmental years of your child's life. What happens here will determine a lot of her future.

I use to be a teen, but my parents failed me. I dropped out of high school, fell into drugs, and also been to the psych-ward at age 18.

Please, do everything you can to get healthy. Life is very harsh when you don't have anyone to guide you.
 
Thank you Escape Fantasy. I feel that in my heart too, that I need to get clean. Somehow the weeks I am clean make me forget what a mess I make when I'm not sober - always. Glad that she has my sister who is solid as a rock to lean against now that I can't. Shouldn't be an excuse to keep using though. My mom could be really mean but she was still my mom. My dad was sweet but drank but I adored him anyway. I keep telling myself they'd all be better off without me making a mess but then try to remember what it was like for me as a child in a far from optimal home environment, how I loved my parents anyway.
 
Whatever you do, rebel, don't fall into that trap of telling yourself "they will be better off without me". This is addiction talking, not you. Addiction would love to see you think that way because it means no change. Committing to getting sober is terrifying because not being sober is how you have learned to deal with the pain in life and back when you learned this as a developing person yourself, it helped you, albeit temporarily. No one wants to willingly go into pain. It makes sense that we resist it, try to avoid it and run from it whenever and however we can--it's a very human desire to avoid pain. But what parents need to be able to model to their children is that pain is a part of life--not all of it, but part of it--and that every human being can find the strength within to deal with it when it occurs. It takes faith in oneself and that can be hard to come by for some of us. If you feel no faith in yourself, don't despair--you can grow it back with intention and small steps, re-learning how to listen to your truest self.
 
herbavore said:
Whatever you do, rebel, don't fall into that trap of telling yourself "they will be better off without me". This is addiction talking, not you. Addiction would love to see you think that way because it means no change. Committing to getting sober is terrifying because not being sober is how you have learned to deal with the pain in life and back when you learned this as a developing person yourself, it helped you, albeit temporarily. No one wants to willingly go into pain. It makes sense that we resist it, try to avoid it and run from it whenever and however we can--it's a very human desire to avoid pain. But what parents need to be able to model to their children is that pain is a part of life--not all of it, but part of it--and that every human being can find the strength within to deal with it when it occurs. It takes faith in oneself and that can be hard to come by for some of us. If you feel no faith in yourself, don't despair--you can grow it back with intention and small steps, re-learning how to listen to your truest self.
Click to expand...

This
I couldn't have said it better
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top