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Mental Health Think I might be bipolar

cj

cj

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
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Twin cities made of ashes
I just came out of a major depressive episode. It lasted for the better part of a month and was fairly severe. My recovery was completely spontaneous I just woke up one day and felt better. I now feel hopeful energized maybe even mildly happy? I don't get any of the crazy manic symptoms I have read about but I do cycle between deep depression and some version of mildly happy. I don't really spend much time in either they seem to alternate monthly I guess. Is it possible for bipolar to act like that? I don't know what to think. It's been a head fuck to go from planning my suicide to feeling mildly happy basically overnight.
 
There is no standard or classic case as many doctors love to put neat little labels on this. However, a manic state is a little more than energized and happy. These people are often delusional, psychotic, and can stay up for 2 to 3 days. I'm happy you are not suicidal anymore. It's great to talk about and easier to somebody on a forum, but you need the advice of a mental health professional. This doesn't sound like bipolar to me, but there is of course a spectrum. I wish you the best my friend. Mental health and happiness IS the most important part of life.
 
When we were trying to figure out if my son were bipolar I loved the one psychiatrist that said, "Will it make a difference?" He went on to say that he would apply that diagnosis if he thought it would be helpful for my son to manage his life--in other words if it were severe enough to require a medication. Otherwise, he pointed out, with or without the label, it was a matter of managing emotions and managing behaviors. In other words, being human.

If you feel like the concept will help you understand yourself and maybe call for a different path to healing, then you should seek out a psychiatrist. But you may run into the same thing my son did--they do not feel comfortable making a diagnosis when a person is using any mind-altering substances because there is an obvious confusion there. This would not apply to methadone but if you have taken benzos, say, or anything else like that it muddies the waters. After all, brain function is chemical to a large extent so everything from diet to outside substances can affect how it acts. I could not believe the number of psychiatrists that refused to even see someone with a "dual diagnosis". Sometimes I think the craziness of the mental health system in this country could not get any worse. But then I meet someone like the psychiatrist I was talking about above. He understood that something was out of balance, something was causing the ordinary business of living to be overwhelming and that is what he wanted to address. To address it, he wanted understand my son. Had mdpv not become a factor, I think it would have been a good relationship.

I can't remember if you have already seen a psychiatrist? If so, how did you feel about him/her?
 
Yeah I know that it's just a label but I feel like helping me understand what is normal and not normal might help my recovery. As you know I have been sober since June except for 3 very mild slip ups so 3 days since June other then prescribed methodone. Unfortunately my life is still not really manageble or I just don't feel stable. I guess that my main complaint instability. Quitting drugs hasn't helped make it all better. I don't want to be dramatic but I should have been in the hospital two weeks ago for I was planning my suicide for this coming week when I get 7 days of takehomes. If I hadn't snapped out of it who knows what could have happened. That scary me because I feel like I may do something I regret. I started taking celexa today so I am hoping it will bring stability. But I also know if I am bipolar the risk for a manic phase is high.

I'm not seeing a true phychiatrist yet but I'm going to asap. Right now I'm seeing a therapist and my primary doc is writing the meds.when I see the phych doc I'll bring it up to him.

I just want to understand what's going on in my brain I feel very isolated in the world right now.

Thanks for the well thought out post herby. Sorry I've been a little wierd I just feel very off
 
You are grappling with a lot and not only is it a lot but it is changing so fast I don't blame you one bit for feeling like you don't know what's going on. You should give yourself a lot of credit for all the exploration you have done in the last few years. Everything builds on what came previously. Maybe you cannot see the benefit of this difficult time while you are living it but don't be scared off by the fact that it is uncomfortable. Every time you face a crisis inside and you navigate your way through it, emotional muscle is being built. There is nothing like psychic pain to make you feel alone in the world but in a way that is one of the strangest things we humans grapple with. Your pain points out to you quite clearly that there is no one else that is either suffering it nor can alter it--it's all on you. So there is a great truth that you are alone. But on the other hand, every one of us is dealing with some form of internal trauma so you would think it could help to know that in this way we are not alone. When I look at everything you have been through since I have gotten to know you here, I can only see an arc of progress, despite any minor zigs or zags. It is like you are hacking through dense jungle to get back to yourself and while you are engaged in it, it may seem endless and chaotic. But seen from the outside it is a clear trajectory. Stay in the fight.<3
 
Hi Cj,

There are many types of bipolar disorder. And, it is important to get diagnosed properly if you have any of them. Given that, don't be scared away from seeing a psychiatrist to talk your symptoms out with him/her because you have used drugs in the past or use them sporadically now. While it does not do much good to try and do psychotherapy with clients who are using drugs, and I personally never would do that with clients who wanted that since you are really just talking to the drugs and not the person, talking with a psychiatrist about what you are experiencing would, I believe, be very helpful to you. It sounds like you really would like to discuss this with a professional. And, I think you should at your earliest convenience.
 
CJ you don't really sound like you are bipolar or manic. Or even getting hypomania.

I have met and known people who are bipolar/manic and when they get mania or in a manic state it's as though they are almost on a lot of meth and have not slept for weeks as they make no sense at all, have no concept of reality or how things are, sometimes get paranoid, do not sleep for days and are not on any stimulants or illegal drugs, and often times the person who is manic does not even know this is happening to them and requires medication or needs medicinal help.

I have also met people who are bipolar type II, or who get hypomanic and they go without sleep, do not eat for days, do not live in reality when they are hypomanic, and some even see or experience delusions that are not there or real.

You did post here how you are taking 100mg of zoloft, and how it's helping your depression so that's probably what is happening.
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/833029-Unrelenting-suicidal-ideation/page3

Do see your therapist and medical doctor and tell them this, what you wrote here, and ask if you are bipolar or manic.

DO NOT try to diagnose yourself. Let a therapist or medical doctor do this.
 
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The label is important when it comes to your insurance, they have to have a diagnosis to treat you. This is why a lot of doctors rush a diagnosis or an initial diagnosis is wrong.
 
Very interesting, I too, recently questioned strongly, the possibility of BPD within myself....therapist also thought this to be a strong possibility. I did same thing as you for longest time, seeing therapist and having GP/PCP write scripts. When BPD came into question is when I finally broke to see psych. I only had one appt with them, but they fairly quickly determined it to be unlikely.

But I do have family history of BPD and I actually began noticing the exact same things you mention. I'd go long periods of crippling depression, then suddenly wake up out of it and, like you say, planning future, working my ass off and feeling kinda okay and having a bit more energy. Of course, it always cycles back to shitty though.

To this point, I have no fucking idea. Herb is certainly correct about labels though. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't. Me personally, I think it would help my situation. Not only would I get opportunity to know myself better, but perhaps, I'd also find a medication regimen that works. I haven't done well un-medicated.

Celexa (citalopram) is actually the antidepressant I have the most experience (and successful treatment of symptoms) with. I was on it longer than any other and had the most success in treating the depressive symptoms than any other. But of course, the fucking drug shit out on me after a couple years and stopped working completely.....and as we know, max dosage in US is 40mg so I couldn't raise it....that sucked cuz up until then, it was a pretty great med for me. I will tell you though, the induction period was just plain awful for me.....might be for you as well, but really try to push through it.....there's sunshine and rainbows on the other side hahaha. Gabaergics have always been very helpful for me during AD induction periods.....just use with caution, obviously.

-PA
 
CJ, you might want to take a look at DSM-V and ICD-10 criteria for bipolar II (aka type two bipolar). The manic aspect is less severe and depression more prominent.

It's a tough call and unfortunately diagnosis is even more difficult for type two bipolar.

I'd also urge you to be conservative about self-diagnosis. The difference between a clinical case versus a 'tendency towards' is tenuous, but clinical hypomania is still a prominent behavioral issue and the severity of depression is usually extreme in terms of basic functioning.

I really understand how hard this is to do irl, but please find a psychiatrist you trust.

Best, CD :)
 
Hey CJ-

I was diagnosed with bipolar2. Its not as extreme as just bipolar.

I was asked what I least liked about myself. I responded "My temper" I also explained I dont get easily angry. But when I do--watch out.

For about 15mins I go nuts. Breaking shit, yelling and saying things I wish that I hadn't. I really hated it---and felt extreme remorse that was devestating to me.

I never experienced extreme happiness. My mania was crippling anxiety and panic.

Neurontin has helped even me out. I was glad to finally be diagnosed. Alot of things finally made sense to me. Like my drug abuse.

I also thought I was a weak person because of the severe anxiety and panic. Not so.

It changed my life to be on proper meds.

Hope you're well cj. <3
 
10YearsGone said:
Hey CJ-

I was diagnosed with bipolar2. Its not as extreme as just bipolar.

I was asked what I least liked about myself. I responded "My temper" I also explained I dont get easily angry. But when I do--watch out.

For about 15mins I go nuts. Breaking shit, yelling and saying things I wish that I hadn't. I really hated it---and felt extreme remorse that was devestating to me.

I never experienced extreme happiness. My mania was crippling anxiety and panic.

Neurontin has helped even me out. I was glad to finally be diagnosed. Alot of things finally made sense to me. Like my drug abuse.

I also thought I was a weak person because of the severe anxiety and panic. Not so.

It changed my life to be on proper meds.

Hope you're well cj. <3
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It's not funny, but I started laughing when I read the part about you breaking things and yelling. I did that the other day while arguing on the phone with a family member. I got off the phone, threw my phone and it broke a glass in my room. That's water under the bridge now, things are back to good.

The temper problem can get bad, I'm still working on it.

Neurontin evens me out as well. Older people I live with give me some of their Neurontin from time to time. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and still trying to find something that works well.

Back to cj, you haven't shown any signs of hypomania. That's why I would rule out bipolar disorder, but of course I'm not a doctor.

For many years, my diagnosis was major depression and social anxiety disorder. Then I got the bipolar 2 diagnosis. I disagreed with the psychiatrist because I didn't think I was bipolar, but it makes perfect sense. I just didn't realize when I was manic. I was bouncing off the walls with energy, lost in my own world, I didn't sleep, but didn't really notice. I made very impulsive decisions and felt like I could conquer the world. My manic episodes are usually extremely happy, but mania can also be where you feel extremely agitated and irritable. Then the crash would come and I would be miserable for weeks until the next manic episode. Now I'm bipolar 1 because of a psychotic break that required hospitalization a year ago.

I'm so glad you're still with us! Keep fighting for your life. Once I started thinking suicidal thoughts, it would go away at times, but come back with a vengeance. It's like a shadow, always lurking. Stay on the look out for that. Don't let your guard down. You're here for a reason. Hopefully you'll be seeing a psychiatrist really soon. Take care of yourself!
 
Coast-

I'm sure it can be comical to watch lol. I can imagine what a complete wacko I look like while I'm flipping out.

Bipolar was mentioned to me a few times by medical professionals but I dismissed it due to not realizing mania can also mean anxiety. I thought it only referred to extreme happiness and boundless (positive) energy. In no way have I ever experienced that.

I too, am glad you're still w us cj <3. Do you find your gabapentin helpful in evening your moods out? Just curious.
 
Yeah gabapentin was really great for my anxiety. Unfortunately I was dead set on benzos so I pushed hard and got them to replace the gabapentin and well that's how my benzo addiction started. I'm my own worst enemy
 
cj said:
Yeah gabapentin was really great for my anxiety. Unfortunately I was dead set on benzos so I pushed hard and got them to replace the gabapentin and well that's how my benzo addiction started. I'm my own worst enemy
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Oh no, yeah benzo addiction is a bitch. Maybe try to get Gabapentin again. My psychiatrist didn't prescribe it to me because it causes weight gain and I don't want that.
When I take Gabapentin at home from others, I do become ravenous throughout the day. Good mood, but hungry as hell. haha
 
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Cj I too am in the "Im my own worst enemy" club.

It happens. (Addiction) I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Are you still taking benzos? Im not sure- I remember reading you going through a brutal, looong detox. I'm not sure what the timeline was.
 
10YearsGone said:
Cj I too am in the "Im my own worst enemy" club.

It happens. (Addiction) I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Are you still taking benzos? Im not sure- I remember reading you going through a brutal, looong detox. I'm not sure what the timeline was.
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Nah I'm off benzos for awhile now. I kicked in the hospital and I had a short seizure like event. Basically I projectile vomited and shit myself uncontrollably at the same time in a motion that felt quite unintentional. It was traumatic they gave me Ativan after that band my main symptom was hearing voices, shaking, normal controlled gaba withdrawal symptoms. The actual withdrawal was gnarly but I recovered fairly quickly compared to some stories I've heard. Either way it made my opiate kicks seem mild
 
Brutal. Im so glad you're on the other side now. And great job getting off benzos. I remember you went through so much to get here. Well done. :) <3
 
Hi cj

Are you female?
Does your suicidal ideation peak around your period?
(maybe a distinct monthly freak out with a milder mid monthly one)

I am female and what you’re describing while limited is *very* familiar to me.

Because I also had PTSD and GAD and then physical health issues that added chronic pain to the mix ... by the time
I was seeing psych drs and ending up in psych facilities because I was obsessed with planning my suicide, the messy mix covered up the underlying biological issue driving me over the edge. Often the episodes would be brief (heightened anxiety, agitation, some paranoia with crushing low self esteem) but if other stresses were going on and it was particularly bad the stress and strain would put me in a depression. It also would magically lift as you’ve described.

I took the birth control pill continiuosly for a year. There were side effects (bloating mostly) but it gave me some relief. But the thing that really worked was Chinese Herbs from an acupuncturist. I would not suggest Chinese Herbs for a psych diagnosis but if this is possibly hormonal it’s your best option. My life would’ve been completely different had I taken those Herbs early on. Even when I kept telling multiple drs and filling out forms at psych facilities in crisis saying I had my period, none would hear me/considered it.

Sorry if this is super soap boxy. It’s very frustrating to me and I don’t want other women to go through the same thing.

A b-complex vitamin wouldn’t hurt either. Again, not the sort of thing I normally suggest with psych stuff (tho harmless). I’m not someone that thinks diet will cure all.
 
Nah I'm a guy. That sounds rough though.

Update. I couldn't tolerate celexa at 20mg. I stopped it after 2 weeks. I couldn't sleep and had been awake for 72 hours when I stopped. I was having trouble swallowing my stomach was upset constantly. Most of all I felt I was coming unraveled. I was having these thoughts of slitting my own throat that I just couldn't stop thinking about. Every few minutes I would think what if I slit my throat now? What would I do it with? What would the blood look like? Just crazy shit. I don't know. So yeah my last dose was 72 hours ago I'm starting to feel more normal. I'm not depressed right now in fact I feel happy. This experience makes me consider bi polar even further. I'm going to wait it out and see if I cycle back to depressed and see how long it takes. Nothing in my life has changed to cause these shifts.
 
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