Input Appreciated

[Radiohead24]

I've been a longtime lurker and occasional poster a long time ago. I thought I'd type out what's been going on and hopefully get some input.

Most of the time, I am a healthy and fit guy. But in certain conditions I tend to drink way too much which leads to chain smoking and then a depression that lasts a few days. Part of the depression is probably from taking Paxil and mixing it with the alcohol. Some of it is based on guilt from smoking and guilt from being obnoxious when drunk.

This tends to happen once every week to 10 days. I am just now back from a weekend out of town for a friend's wedding. I was surrounded by super succesful people with beautiful familes, etc. I feel like a failure compared to these types becuase I don't have a family and dont have a ton of money like these people. I feel different in a bad way. But compared to most of the world, I am doing fine. Why isn't what I have enough?

Anyway, the usual pattern is that this week I will slowly feel better as I exercise and get back in my routine. But by the weekend, the temptation to escape the feelings of inadequateness and failure starts to grow.

Does anyone relate?

 

[ExInMil]

Do I relate, yes I think we all do. We can all compare ourselfs to references in our social peer groups who are doing better.
I have a sister who is a chemical engineer and I am just now getting out of being a full-time junkie..... at damn near 30 years old.

I think it is important to know that we are all doing our best, and we can all do better, short of being mentally stunted.

Cigarette smoking has been shown, well let me rephrase that, quitting smoking has been shown to greatly reduce depression. So it could be that your drinking and then subsequent smoking is causing this period of depression. Alcohol as well is not good for mental health.... but more to the point, I think you would benefit form some psychotherapy to explore why it is you feel in adequate.

Do you enjoy your professional life? Because most people who do, but reside on the lower income bracket tend to still be happy, it makes sense.

There are far too many potential issues here for us to explore on the forum, at least for me, but I do wish you best of luck and stop this behavior before it gets worse.

 

[herbavore]

I think anyone in the modern world can relate. We have been programmed to compare ourselves constantly to others and only in the narrowest of terms: money/looks/stuff/titles etc. We have been taught well and then we unwittingly teach it to others through our own participation. I believe that it is at its worst in America but I could be wrong about that. It takes effort and courage and determination to extract yourself from the fog. Remember, once when you were an innocent little kid, these messages came from outside of you; but now they come from your own head. There is no law that you have to participate but most of us happily, unhappily, miserably do.

So, there is probably a connection with the drinking. Alcohol as a drug is well-known to be one of the best at disconnecting you temporarily from the uncomfortable realities in your own head as well as the fallout from those realities, otherwise known as your life.

A family can be a wonderful thing but it can also be the source of so much misery. One of the saddest things in the world that human beings do is to create families as a way to mitigate their own loneliness and emptiness inside. Forgetting that making a family is making more human beings that will also feel lonely and question the meaning or meaninglessness of their own existence. Why is happiness and peace so hard for us to grasp? Perhaps because we have worshiped money for so long, so completely, that we cannot remember how to simply be; how to be ourselves, how to let others be themselves? Children created by people who are at peace with themselves are the luckiest children in the world.

Do you feel at this point in time that you have the ability to stop drinking for say, 3 months? Why not try it? During that time you can explore ways to unlearn the endless cycle of comparison>self-loathing. A good therapist, trained in practical strategies like mindfulness or cognitive behavioral therapy can give you the tools. If you cannot afford therapy or have other objections to that route you could get the same information from books, podcasts, websites, etc. Learning these tools--which are really no more than unlearning the self-destructive thought loops that consumer-driven societies steep us in will set you on a different path. Hopefully that path allows you to redefine your relationship to substances altogether.

 

[ExInMil]

^^^Word, well said.

 

[Radiohead24]

Do I relate, yes I think we all do. We can all compare ourselfs to references in our social peer groups who are doing better.
I have a sister who is a chemical engineer and I am just now getting out of being a full-time junkie..... at damn near 30 years old.

I think it is important to know that we are all doing our best, and we can all do better, short of being mentally stunted.

Cigarette smoking has been shown, well let me rephrase that, quitting smoking has been shown to greatly reduce depression. So it could be that your drinking and then subsequent smoking is causing this period of depression. Alcohol as well is not good for mental health.... but more to the point, I think you would benefit form some psychotherapy to explore why it is you feel in adequate.

Do you enjoy your professional life? Because most people who do, but reside on the lower income bracket tend to still be happy, it makes sense.

There are far too many potential issues here for us to explore on the forum, at least for me, but I do wish you best of luck and stop this behavior before it gets worse.

Thanks for the response. You are right in that we all can relate to feelings of inadequacy.

I think right now it's especially bad because I was surrounded for four days with people who were all constant reminders of what I lack in my life (spouse, kids, tons of money).

Alcohol is horrible for my depression and anxiety but at the time I am drinking it's like I put the world on pause and don't care about anything. But it's there in the morning worse than ever.

 

[Radiohead24]

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. I know I need therapy. I've tried before but never stuck with it. I need to try again.

As for stopping drinking for a period, I know that's what I need to do. I just need to do it and start some new patterns/habits. I am tired of living like this.

 

[ExInMil]

..... but at the time I am drinking it's like I put the world on pause and don't care about anything. But it's there in the morning worse than ever.

And that is the danger with any self-medication because it becomes a feed-back loop.

1. Feeling bad 2. Use to quell those feelings 3. Disrupt natural mood regulation --> Repeat

Have you tried any anti-depressants?

Try not listening to RadioHead, something more upbeat

 

[Radiohead24]

And that is the danger with any self-medication because it becomes a feed-back loop.

1. Feeling bad 2. Use to quell those feelings 3. Disrupt natural mood regulation --> Repeat

Have you tried any anti-depressants?

Try not listening to RadioHead, something more upbeat

Yep, it's definitely a cycle that repeats.

I've taken Paxil for the better part of 15 years, but I don't feel like it really does anything anymore. I've been thinking for a while now that I need to see the original doc that put me on it, but I can't get into to see until months down the road. My regular doc just keeps filling the prescription but doesn't seem to know much about this issue. When I first started taking Paxil it seemed to quell addictive impulses, but that is no longer the case.

And good suggestion on Radiohead, haha.

 

[ExInMil]

Oh yeah I'm sorry, you had mentioned that.

Well, personally I have tried about 3 different SSRIs with little effect, then I did a little research and (risking sounding like a pharma commercial) asked my doctor if venlafaxine was appropriate. which is an SNRI.

With out going into the difference between the two,
The SNRI worked a lot better for me, but that obviously does not mean it will work well for you, just something else to look into.

Point being, there are options, one of which will probably have efficacy for you. The best thing I can say from personal experience is to not drag your feet on the issue since getting better is going to be a easier experience when dealing with someone who has not been self-medication for long. The longer you self-medicate the longer you will adjust to coping that way, which is in itself self-destructive.

Again, tho difficult to do, breaking the cycle of associating self-worth with your relative position to your peer group, and I'm assuming expectations of you by those you love, is something that will lead to a better self image and a more realistic one. I too am dealing with the issue.

Wish I had something more concrete but we are dealing with a pretty abstract issue so... yeah.

 

[Radiohead24]

Thanks ExInMil. I will investigate the SNRI. I definitely need to figure something out besides the self-medicating. Paxil (SSRI) helped me immensely when I first started taking it. I was in a bad place then and it curbed some bad behaviors and just overall helped me become a healthier person. I wasn't drinking then though, so maybe now the alcohol is blocking the positive benefits.

 

[simco]

Radiohead,

Finding a good antidepressant is likely to bring you relief. I definitely suggest looking into that route.

I just wanted to second herby's point...given your symptoms, some work with a good therapist seems like it might really help you get to the bottom of the cycle you've described. The key point/challenge, though, is finding a therapist who is a good fit for you. This can be a really tedious process, but it's so important. I don't know if you've been in therapy before, so apologies if this is stuff you already know. But if you can swing it, I highly recommend "auditioning" a few providers. And if possible it's also great if you can start from recommendations of folks you know and trust, rather than cold-calling therapists from the phone book.

Do you have any experience with a really good therapist?

 

[Radiohead24]

Simco, thanks for the reply. I have tried therapy before but I never lasted long. I guess because I never found someone I clicked with. And I also had a hard time opening up and being completely honest about my issues. I am considering trying again.

 

[Radiohead24]

And the cycle begins again, right on schedule.

 

[Mafioso]

So I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts(more so when I was younger) most my life and since a very young age, well before my addiction took place. One of the best pieces of advice I've learned is to not allow yourself to catastrophize when you are in a low period and to focus on the fact that if you cycle between highs and lows then you will cycle through the period of feeling low. Positive thought and self-acceptance are key. Don't beat yourself up or allow feeling of inadequacy to control your thinking. I believe most people present themselves to the public as happy as it isn't really socially acceptable or fun to be around someone who is voicing their unhappiness. It doesn't mean others don't struggle. Money can become a source of contention in a lot of relationships as well, so a large income is not the answer to life's problems. I find it best to try and not judge people one way or the other, rather focus on enjoying their company and being good company yourself.

Maybe change the people you hang around if being around them makes you feel inadequate and it is something they are doing that makes you feel so. If you like exercising it might be good to find people you can work out with and build relationships based on similar interest in life. Maybe remind yourself that people who have a lot of money probably feel inadequate around people who have even more money, and people who sacrifice their health so that they can work more are probably envious of people in good health. It really doesn't matter in the end, what is important is being happy.

Sobriety will also help, although it probably wont make all the sadness go away, it will likely lessen the degree to which you feel high and low. Like pointed out, the cycle of addiction is self defeating. When we feel bad we use but when the drug wears off we feel worse and in turn likely want to use even more.

As far as the medication you are taking, I would suggest that you continue taking it until you are able to consult with a doctor and when you do talk to a doctor be as honest as possible, I would think you might even want to talk about your drinking with the doctor, as that could be a reason as to why it is less effective.