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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

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fnono33 said:
Martainnn, what substance did you relapse with?
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My symptoms got worse after I was around my friend smoking a joint, so essentially passive cannabis smoke. Which to me seems insane but I've seen people on both the DP and HPPD forums stating passive smoke making them worse for months. But I think it was a little more than this seeing as I'd been around smoke a few times before with no issues and I also actually took 20mg/1mg CBD/THC pills in the very early stages of this when I thought i just had depression/anxiety, so its kinda weird. This time I was under ALOT of stress with writing my dissertation and preparing for final exams, and Id also just had a rather bad case of tonsilitus which made my symptoms much worse for a period. So I think i was in a very sensitive state at the time. It's been 2 months and I'm not really seeing any improvements, in fact I had my first panic attack in over a year, but I'm holding out for 6 months or so. Its really hard atm actually.... I wasnt recovered but I was living life again and I'm just hoping to get back to that point :( TL;DR - Not 100% sure but I think a combination of Passive cannabis smoke + Stress + Illness
 
I have no motivation to do anything but a little exercise and the only thing that makes me happy is eating so I don't know how I 'll be able to do a perfect diet as then I have nothing and living is just pointless. Ffs I can't believe this is life now, surviving everyday until it eventually ends. I only took it a couple of times how can people get away with taking this for years, so stupid. I feel like I've been labotomised this is so bad.
 
Just can't believe I took something expecting to be ok in two days, instead it has transported me to a living hell I didn't believe existed.
 
martainnn said:
My symptoms got worse after I was around my friend smoking a joint, so essentially passive cannabis smoke. Which to me seems insane but I've seen people on both the DP and HPPD forums stating passive smoke making them worse for months. But I think it was a little more than this seeing as I'd been around smoke a few times before with no issues and I also actually took 20mg/1mg CBD/THC pills in the very early stages of this when I thought i just had depression/anxiety, so its kinda weird. This time I was under ALOT of stress with writing my dissertation and preparing for final exams, and Id also just had a rather bad case of tonsilitus which made my symptoms much worse for a period. So I think i was in a very sensitive state at the time. It's been 2 months and I'm not really seeing any improvements, in fact I had my first panic attack in over a year, but I'm holding out for 6 months or so. Its really hard atm actually.... I wasnt recovered but I was living life again and I'm just hoping to get back to that point :( TL;DR - Not 100% sure but I think a combination of Passive cannabis smoke + Stress + Illness
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Hey man, I've been there. For me it was 5 htp that f'd me up. I think your body goes through phases with this so different substances will have a different effect depending on how far along you are in your recovery. I know when I took an ssri pill in the beginning it would create this exploding sensation in my head. I would wait until you stabilize and then try some meds maybe? If you're doing everything else right and see no improvement that is.
 
socrilus said:
My Dp seems to fluctuate throughout the day. Its kind of a hyperawareness sort of thing/OCD like now. Like when I realize it isn't there I sort of create it at a low level

Does that mean it should probably dissapate soon maybe in the next couple weeks? Id also imagine if this is some residual ketamine stuff it probably should resolve with that time frame too right? Is that realistic?

My psychiatrist believes this dp/dr is still the residual ketamine stuff and that a bad reaction like this may be possible given the LTC and me in general possibly being genetically sensitive to drugs.

But the doctor who did the ketamine thinks its not related to it at all!

What I want to know is why when it comes to the brain/hormones/mental health are doctors so split on the issue and are never able to give any proper answers?

Is it just because the majority of people have absolutely no issues and that when they encounter outliers they just don't believe it? Even though statistically, outliers always exist.

This seems to be a HUGE issue in medicine right now. Theres people all over suffering from prescription drugs like Accutane/Propecia/spironolactone or whatever and somehow the doctors don't believe that those things caused their symptoms and say "its all in their head".

Why exactly would that be? Its absolute madness.
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I think you dp/dr is directly related to the ketamine. I also think that Dp/Dr is related to our sub-conscious. It is psychological but I think it hinges on our view of the world/self, core beliefs that are difficult to change. I think the ketamine shook something up deep inside you. I believe that's what started my LTC. My world-view shifted so drastically that my brain went into safety mode.
 
Aye, this is my 2nd relapse withe 1st being due to alcohol, however i started to make improvements after about 2 months last time which I why im starting to worry now. Its just hard this time because I feel like ive run out of energy to fight it. I put so much effort into it last year, runnining 5k everyday, getting up in the morning and walking 20miles just to try and feel better etc etc, and now Im just tired and feel like ive got no fight left. Also, ive just finished my final year of uni, which im proud of, but now ive got to get a job and ive no idea how im supposed to do that because I can barely function atm. I had a second chance at life and now it feels like im being tortured, what a fucking joke
 
I'm 6 months in and I have lost everything to this. Was a high achiever at uni on track for a 1st and everything and I had to fucking give in to temptation after saying no so many times. Lost uni girlfriend and my health and don't even know what recovery would feel like now. This is just torture and I often laugh at how unfair this situation is and how I could have been so stupid. Just dunno what the point is. I'm on medication and doing therapy which helps but it just feels like I had my chance at life and blew it.
 
I know how it feels dude I really do but you cant give up yet. I got struck with this bullshit at the beginning of my 2nd year of uni and I was so close to dropping out in the 1st few months but I carried on as best I can and I managed to pull a 2.1 out the bag despite going through what I can only describe as hell on earth. There wasnt a night for the first 4 months where I didnt pray I wouldnt wake up, but I kept pushing and even when I felt so shit I couldnt get out of bed and all I could do was cry, I put my running shoes on and I ran for as long as I could. I really started to improve at around 9 months, not recover, but at a level where I could deal with daily life. Ive worked so hard this year at uni and now Im proud to say I got to the end despite no one possibly understanding what I had to deal with day in and day out.

Im struggling quite a lot atm due to this fucking setback, in fact if Im honest Im almost suicidal once again, but Im pushing through each day with the hope in a few months time things will be better again. Have you considered the medication might actually be having a detrimental effect on your recovery?
 
I have considered it but it has made me functional so that I can work, and if I can't work and was just at home i would have probably be a lot worse than what I am now. I just can't believe how much life changed in one evening, and how everyone is so fucking oblivious to the effects of what they are taking and downright refuse that how I am now is a result of it. I had so much to look forward to and I've just ruined any potential I had. Just don't see the point of anything I do now, I've sat and prayed for death so many times and the thought of suicide never even crossed my mind before this, in fact the concept of it actually confused me. My view of the world is so negative now and I'm trying to change my behaviour with CBT but I don't get how you can work against brain damage if that's what this is. I'm so angry at how it has all been snatched away from me and that no one I know can possibly relate to this. I feel like I'm in some kind of really bad horror movie.
 
Do not give uo hope. There are so many treatments available from all kinds of realms--
natural/psychiatric/psychological/hormonal.
 
Just don't feel human. Will keep trying with everything but at the minute I'm just living the same day over and over and over. Seems like there's no way out.
 
Then wake up tomorrow and do something new. Things arnt going to change from day to day but if you keep doing the same thing day in day out waiting to recover then its gonna take longer. When I had bad day, what I did was check the weather forecast for the next day and if it was sunny, I would get up early, take a shower and eat a decent breakfast, put my shoes on and just walk for miles. Id plan a route using google maps based on somewhere I hadnt been or walked to before and Id just stick my headphones on and keep going. Yeah it didnt cure me but when I got home I praised myself for doing something positive with my day. Its positivity that will get you into a better state, even if for whatever reason you didnt recover fully. No excuses man, just do it. This forum helps and I know it can be nice to have an outlet for your problems because I do it sometimes too. However, we dont have a cure, we cant tell you what to do to get better tomorrow, theres no magic medication (at least 99% of the time anyway) or supplement, you have to work it out yaself man. It took me so long to get back on my feet and I never noticed any difference day to day...but every month I was like "oh yeah...I was like that last month'. Its taken me to relapse to realise how far I actually came. Trust me bro
 
hey guys just checking in after a long while of not posting. I am at the moment almost 3 years into this state. Things have gotten better but im still not 100% cured, im startting to wonder if ill ever be.. HPPD, dereleastion and social anxiety being the worst at the moment. I must say i havent tried very hard to cure myself, my sleeping schedule is really bad and i barely do cardio anymore. But still at the moment i have accepted my state, i realised i got depressed when i think about things i do not have control over. Which i let be now, so im not depressed at all. But still, one day I hope not to be anxious anymore. I have hope, because my LTC started like after 2 years of my mdma binge, because i then was reading on the web about brain dmg etc, but i have spoken to alot of people which have done it too (which are like 45,50 now), and theyre all 'fine' to a certain degree. So I keep my head up. Best of luck to everyone.
 
Brahhhh said:
hey guys just checking in after a long while of not posting. I am at the moment almost 3 years into this state. Things have gotten better but im still not 100% cured, im startting to wonder if ill ever be.. HPPD, dereleastion and social anxiety being the worst at the moment. I must say i havent tried very hard to cure myself, my sleeping schedule is really bad and i barely do cardio anymore. But still at the moment i have accepted my state, i realised i got depressed when i think about things i do not have control over. Which i let be now, so im not depressed at all. But still, one day I hope not to be anxious anymore. I have hope, because my LTC started like after 2 years of my mdma binge, because i then was reading on the web about brain dmg etc, but i have spoken to alot of people which have done it too (which are like 45,50 now), and theyre all 'fine' to a certain degree. So I keep my head up. Best of luck to everyone.
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You mean your LTC suddenly came up (including HPPD) 2 years after you had taken your last MDMA or that you were binging on MDMA for 2 years on/off and then it started?

How can HPPD just randomly begin?
 
socrilus said:
You mean your LTC suddenly came up (including HPPD) 2 years after you had taken your last MDMA or that you were binging on MDMA for 2 years on/off and then it started?

How can HPPD just randomly begin?
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Well I did have some small issues during those 2 years i didnt use mdma, but then i started reading on the web one day and seeing all these posts about how mdma can ruin ur life etc (so i started thinking my life was ruined too, and all the other bullcrap), also in that time i tried shrooms, and all that together got me into this state. Which was almost 3 years ago. While the abuse was in 2012 ( like 20 times in 1 year), but back then i didnt really have hppd or derealisation at all. So basically what im trying to say is ur mind is powerful and can make u either better or worse.
 
socrilus said:
You mean your LTC suddenly came up (including HPPD) 2 years after you had taken your last MDMA or that you were binging on MDMA for 2 years on/off and then it started?

How can HPPD just randomly begin?
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My HPPD didnt appear till after 8 years of MDMA use and I had no signs what so ever of it. I certainly experienced some mild dp/dr very occasionally (didnt know at the time tho) but had never ever experienced any hppd symptoms. It literally came out of the blue after probably ~100 rolls.
 
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